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I don't understand ANY of this and i'm fed up. I haven't left home in months, the clinician who has been occasionally coming to my home has said she doesn't believe in hospitalization for anything other than emergencies and can't personally do anything to get me into hospital anyway. I am feeling completely hopeless. I have a long history with the local hospital(only hospital in our city) and i've been repeatedly denied admission. I'm only 18 and i've been dealing with this joke of a mental health system for over 3 years. Along with anxiety and major depressive disorder, I was also diagnosed with BPD "traits" by an emergency department physician I saw for 10 minutes when I was 15, which was the start of this all. Looking back at my old posts really show how long i've been going through this. I have anxiety and depression almost 24/7. Every day is a struggle to just get by and normal activities stress me out so much. Due to myself being unable to leave home because of anxiety, i've not been seeing doctors or real therapists(besides the clinician that has come to my home). Nothing has been accomplished. The most recent meeting was to try and get me into the psychiatric unit, but obviously that didn't work out. The emergency department is obviously always an option, but I am 90% certain I will be sent home instead of kept inpatient. To them, it doesn't matter how suicidal I am(even if I have a plan). Last time I went was in March and was sent home(Which I made a post about as well). I don't know what their deal is. Apparently its not uncommon in Canada, but how is this legal? What DOES it take to get in? I seriously need intensive help. I can't focus on outpatient therapy while i'm this unstable. This is one of my old posts made more than 2 years ago. I really appreciate all the responses and suggestions and i've tried almost all of them. It seems like i'm just a hopeless case at this point, especially since nobody will help me. Its just hard to believe sometimes. A lot has changed since then, including the fact that I no longer even have a psychiatrist.

I believe I am ultradian cycling or something... I feel good in one part of the day and the other half I am so miserably and suicidally depressed I am borderline psychotic. I don't have the motivation to try to get through to my pdoc's office to get a work-in appointment, but that looks like what I'm going to have to do. I asked her about clozapine and lithium and she said no to both, and that lithium can actually induce suicidality in people. I'm desperate. I've been through just about every medication (see signature). Does anyone know of a bullet proof combo that both treats suicidality and prevents it from reoccurring again? My support group is here for me, but I'm scared of worrying them too much or causing them unnecessary pain. I'd just like to be normal.

If you are taking either of these medications and are experiencing suicidal feelings, I want you to hold on, and tell yourself it is the medication and not you. Hold on: you have a precious human life - taper gradually off the drugs, and find other ways of dealing with the symptoms for which the medication was prescribed. After my experience with the world of psychiatry, I have this to say: if you can find a way of functioning without antipsychotics, then don't be pressurised into taking those medications. I found in my case that even when I was largely functional, and not suffering too much, there was some zeal on the part of the psychiatric profession in trying to push antipsychotics at me, simply by virtue of the diagnosis. The diagnosis was an episode of psychosis, or with psychotic elements, and therefore antipsychotics were strongly recommended. This was even after I was experiencing these strong suicidal feelings which were so uncharacteristic of me, and which I hadn't been experiencing before taking the drugs. I decided to try an extremely low dose of Abilify - less than the so-called "effective minimum dose", since I found it hard to function on the dose originally prescribed (something which the prescribing psychiatrist didn't really accept.) On this "below minimum" dose of Abilify, I started to experience strong agitation - one of the side-effects. Therefore I doubled my dose of Clonazepam. As a result, I became very tired - my energy levels plummeted, and I found myself having to limit my sporting activity to about a third of previous levels. My walking became relatively slow. I started to develop symptoms associated with schizophrenia which I hadn't had previously: less mobility in my facial expressions, it started to be a struggle to look after myself, to clean my home, to go shopping - though I forced myself through it all. I started to go to bed early because of extreme tiredness, and stopped going out in the evening, and as a result became socially isolated, and felt myself spiral into a depression. Weeks before becoming depressed, I already started to experience suicidal feelings - disembodied: unlinked to depression. My depression was so severe that I found it hard to eat, and rather than gaining weight as is the tendency on this drug, I rapidly lost weight. I found it hard to write fluently - the drug seemed to affect my muscular ability, and lost my articulateness, finding it relatively hard to express myself (and as you can see, this is something I have no trouble doing without the antipsychotics!). I lost my creative ability, and was unable to engage in the activities that made my life meaningful. These also contributed to my spiralling downwards. Deep inside the depression, I lost interest in all the things that had made my life meaningful up to that time. Instead of accepting my view that the suicidal feelings and depression were linked to the drug Abilify, the psychiatrist described it as "the evolution of an illness". Another psychiatrist decided to transfer me instead to the antipsychotic Seroquel, even though it states in the contra-indications that this drug may intensify existing suicidal feelings, and surely enough, it intensified mine. Since (I presume) I was on such a low dose of Abilify, the psychiatrist didn't instruct me to taper Abilify, but simply to stop it, and start Seroquel. I was taking half a tablet with the minimum dosage. Since I didn't like feeling suicidal, and I guess I didn't want to end up going that way, I decided I wanted to discontinue the antipsychotic medication. I was told that I could simply stop taking the medication: I suppose it wasn't felt necessary to advise me to taper the medication as it was below the minimum effective dose as recognized by the psychiatrists. (As a result of my experience, I would advise anyone to taper when coming off an antipsychotic - however small the dose. If, like me, you are taking half a tablet a day, you could then take it every other day for a while, and then every third day, etc.) I started to experience almost total insomnia which lasted about 6 weeks. At every stage, it was not acknowledged by psychiatrists that the manifestations I was experiencing were caused by medication, or withdrawal from it. Thus, the insomnia was attributed to my depression, rather than to withdrawal from the medication. It was on the internet that I was able to learn that chronic insomnia is a withdrawal effect from Abilify and Seroquel, and since I had only taken Seroquel for a few days while still having Abilify in my system, I must have been withdrawing from both. I was prescribed the highest dose of the sleeping medication Zopiclone (Zimovane) intensified by an extra Clonazepam tablet at night; this provided me with about two hours of sleep a night. While affected by this insomnia, I was still experiencing suicidal feelings, and would be lying awake almost the whole night thinking of the pros and cons of various ways of killing myself. After about 5 or 6 weeks, with the antipsychotics out of my system, the insomnia ended, and by this time, I had started taking an antidepressant, and my suicidal feelings subsided. By now I have come off all medication - including the antidepressant: Citalopram, since it was affecting my memory. If I feel the need, I take the very occasional half a tablet of Clonazepam. I firmly believe, following my experience, that a proportion of psychiatric patients are being misdiagnosed based on the manifestations of the side effects of antipsychotic medication, and the expression of beliefs which have nothing to do with brain chemistry. I further believe that for all the lives that may be saved as a result of the administration of antipsychotics, there is a significant proportion of patients who commit suicide not because of their illness, but because of the side effects of medication which they may be unnecessarily or inappropriately prescribed. These numbers then get lumped together with the numbers who commit suicide as a result of their illness, and is used as further evidence that suicidal action or attempts are symptoms of psychotic illnesses. If you are feeling suicidal, you will not believe that your life is precious. But hold on - because it is.

First time poster, long time reader. I've gotten so much advice from this site so I'm hoping someone can help me try to figure out what's going on with me or at least lend some advice. I was first diagnosed with MDD at 19 years old during an 3 week inpatient stay after a severe, paralyzing depression, with anxiety, from a traumatic car accident. I'm now 40 years old and have suffered 4 moderate recurrent episodes, including this current one that slammed me out of blue about 6 weeks ago. I should also mention there is family history of bipolar, addictions and unipolar depression, so I'm well versed in symptomology, treatment and therapy. Anyway, this current episode of depression is VERY different than any other episode I have suffered thru. I have no problem with motivation, concentration or energy and my mood is decent most days. I get up every morning at 6am (although I'm usually awake at 4a or 5a) with no problem and shower, get dressed, take care of my 2 dogs, drop my teenager off at school and then to work for an 8 hour day. Weekends are a little lazier and although I'm usually awake by 430a-5a, I don't get out of bed until 830a-9a. Here's the dilemma...besides some days here and there that I feel hopeless, the biggest problem in this episode is insomnia and suicidal thoughts and intrusive thoughts. Just this morning, while laying in bed before I got up, I was thinking what my suicide plan would be and then had a disturbing image of my wrists being wrapped in gauze. Then I started thinking about who would miss me, what would my obit say, how many people would be at my funeral and what would my note say. I have NEVER had these thoughts in this intensity or this many in any other previous episode, at least to this extent. But as disturbing as this was this morning, I still got out of bed, showered, took care of the dogs and came to work like it was just a normal day. And the thoughts went away, for now.Needless to say, I find this very disturbing and nerve racking, because I don't and can't understand why I feel like my normal self during the day and then the dark thoughts are rampant in the morning when I wake and sometimes before I sleep. About 4 weeks ago, my podc started me on Prozac, thinking it would be best for the ruminative, intrusive thoughts. However, about 12 days on 10mg, it was clear I was having a paradoxical reaction as the depression, intrusive thoughts and crying spells got worse and my mood was Ultra low. So, the pdoc changed to Viibryd and Seroquel and Gabapentin. I've now been on Viibryd for 24 days total (7 days at 10mg, 7 days at 20mg and 40mg for 10 days). Seroquel 200mg at bed with 600mg Gabapentin and 50mg Vistaril to help with insomnia. I also take 25mg-50mg of Seroquel at 9a, 1p and 5p as an adjunct to the Viibryd. So, what gives? How can I feel completely normal, like I'm almost back to 100% me but then be plagued by suicidal and intrusive thoughts at the same time?!? Is it simply a matter of that being the last symptom that will abate with the meds or do I need to ask pdoc to change meds again? I really hate to do that bc the Viibryd has worked so well for the anxiety, motivation and energy and mood. Has anyone else ever experienced this? Any advice, suggestions or feedback would be much so much appreciated!

Hello, I have diagnosed residual psychotic disorder - substance induced subtype, generalised anxiety disorder and social phobia. I'm 24 years old, female. I'm taking currently 100mg of Sertraline (Zoloft), 75mg x 3 Pregabilin (Lyrica), and 10mg of Ability a day. I was on Seroquel (Quetiapine) before, but due to side-effects I switched to Abilify. I've been on Abilify for roughly about 5 weeks now, having increased from 5mg to 10mg after 2 weeks in. Within a week of increasing my dose to 10mg, I've become really depressed. The pain is just unbearable throughout the day, until the evening when it becomes cope-able. Until the next morning where the cycle restarts all over again. I'm finding it really tough. I've tried many things, the general advice given for depression, but nothing really improves it significantly enough to give me any kind of relief whatsoever. Its been like this for roughly about 3 weeks now. Has anyone else had this experience with Abilify, and was it something that went away with time (and how long did you have to stomach it out for?), or was it there to stay? And how old were you when you started? Any input whatsoever would be extremely helpful. Many thanks, RedMeeko

I've been avoiding this site like the plague for a while. I think. I frankly haven't worked up the courage to check my profile yet, to see when I was last here or what i wrote. But tonight I really need someone to sort of... acknowledge my words? Too know that i have communicated these thoughts to another person and that it wasn't scary. I've been telling myself that I'm faking everything related to metal illness. I've been like an opposite Sherlock Holmes piecing together terrible explanations out of the tiniest things to prove to myself i have been an attention seeking liar all along. (Seeing how this has been during months of isolating myself, I'm almost impressed by how convinced i am that I'm seeking attention!) _____//talk of suicidal stuff!!//________ Two months ago the was a snow storm and i had to travel somewhere by bus. I just gave up, sitting on a bench, wearing just a thin jacket over my clothes, and stayed there for about two hours. At some point in the middle, after i had lost feeling in my hands and while internally berating myself for not admitting just how fine and healthy i was, i could feel the joints in my elbow spassming and laughed out loud at the irony of that. Because i really, really wanted to just stay there and die and never have to deal with anything ever again. (One of me had made a call to tell someone where i was, and they would have found me if I hadn't gone home when I did) ________//done with that subject now//__ I keep losing time and it's so fucking scary. Sometimes i feel like i change into someone else, and my lost time is back, fully or partially, but then the other time is missing. Like there is a partial link between the parts of me that remember different things but can sort of give a few impressions of certain memories. I've been (and am) going through some major real life crisis since maybe spring. So I pressed all my realisation about this stuff, depersonalisation and all, deep down into the bottom of my head. It's starting to come back this week. I think it's because i keep crying in my dreams the last many nights. I haven't allowed myself to feel too much, mainly because there is no doubt i will break if i feel anything right now. I need to not cry until my basic survival is less threatened than it is right now. If i feel things before i know I'll not be homeless I'll just give up completely. But i keep switching to someone/whoever i was a few years ago and i keep feeling this weird dread that time has passed. I feel unreal and exhausted. I don't know what I want with this post. I think I just need to tell someone, again, that the problem i have is identifiable and understandable and that I'm not alone. There is a name for this, I'm not doomed, I'll be okay.

Hi guys, I guess I have a very adverse reaction for antipsychotics, both times I was treated I experienced severe side effects like loss of motivation, enability to enjoy ANYTHING, emotional numbness and sort of a "tunnel vision", inability to lose focus a bit and constant suicidal thoughts and fear that I'll never be the same as before treatment. After 1st time (1 month of Risperdal treatment) I managed to recover in about 6 month (only by that time I becamse physically active and get a job). This second time I was treated with Haldol (2 weeks of injections + 1 shot of haldol deconoate 3 months ago). 3 months later I'm still experiencing loss of libido, emotional numbness, inability to feel pleasure from anything and this "changed" perception of the world. I'm 100% this is not the illness as I've never been diagnozed with schiz. Both times I felt really damaged, but this second time really sucks. I've very afraid I'll never be the same again. Please could someone tell me will it pass? Could it be that Haldol fried my dopamine receptors (can't get pleasure from taste, smell, music, nicotine etc.)? I've talked to several pdocs and they all say I don't need any meds but they don't know about side-effects/aftereffects of these meds.

I'm not 100% sure this is the best place to vent out my feelings, but I've joined anyway. I'm a person with a lot of problems. I have anxiety, an eating disorder, and severe depression. I often feel lonely and suicidal even. I'm not gonna get into that right now though. I've been on one other forum before, though I stopped, not sure why. Now I'm rejoicing because problems have popped up for me, I feel like I'm at a breaking point, and I do know there are so many people out there struggling, and way more than me. Some of you have bipolar, schizophrenia, etc. I sympathize with you indeed, I'm not typically looking for the "it get's better line" I need solid advice. I know I am mental, I have terrible thoughts, I feel stupid, guilty, and uninterested. Worst of all I have the lowest god damn self esteem ever. I hate myself and the way I look, I've been at 90 pounds and still felt ugly. I hate my face and my body. Hell even my hair, anything. I truly feel worthless. Okay so I'll stop, I think you know why I'm here now... I really hope to help others AT LEAST, if no one knows how to help me. I've heard it all from "Just eat." when I didn't want to, to "Get over it" to "You're not ugly" (without further explanation or thought) and even " you don't have depression" I hope I will not hear these words on here. In fact I doubt I will, people who have depression know better than to tell these things to someone else. Anyway, It's early in the morning I believe, in a couple hours I'll be off to my personal hell. So, all I'm looking for is someone to help me cope, someone to talk to me when I'm borderline suicidal. Anyway, I hope all of you have a good night/morning/evening. I will try to get some sleep now before morning... Goodnight <3

i'm freaking out. i've been doing okay. but the past few days everythings started getting on top of me again something really fierce. it's been about 2weeks of holidays and my case worker has been away and i've been stuck with a boyfriend who is distant and much older and a mother who is angry at me for a reason i don't know and won't return my texts and my brother who is busy with his girlfriend and school. im trapped in a tiny little flat with a boyfriend who doesn't want to deal anymore with my feelings. my family feels forever away. im jobless and have no money and next month it's going to be a year since my nanna passed and im dwelling on that. im trying to sell everything to make money to survive. my boyfriend is getting sick of supporting me and is now starting to use his position of power to manipulate my feelings and actions i feel. im getting paranoid probably. i know he loves me. i know it's stressful but he does it out of live. but i FEEL different. i can't stop thinking about self harming or ending it all. i feel like i'll never amount to anything. im scared of myself and my feelings and how bleak everything seems. i've confined myself to the two seater couch with my laptop and whale plushie. i've promised myself not to leave it until i stop thinking about harming. because i will do it. help. im so fucked up in the head right now.

So as the title says really, I've tried a whole load of antidepressants recently and over the years and felt worse on most of them. The SSRIs seem to make my really agitated, restless and generally uncomfortable in my own skin and it was the same with one of the tricyclics I tried. Others I've tried either haven't helped or have had intolerable side effects. Now I'm on Moclobemide which is a reversible and therefore safer MAOI. OK I'm only 1 week in but these last 3 days I've been feeling tearful which is unusual for me and even more sad/depressed than I was previously. Plus I can feel a subtle agitation starting to build up, not as bad as with previous drugs but it is still there. I have been thinking more thoughts about suicide/death and I've had waves of tirdness/fatigue. So basically a weird mix of activation and demotivation (sorry can't think of a better word) at the same time - identical to what has happened previously. Not sure where the f*ck I go from here if this med isn't going to help. I'm starting to wonder if my DX's are correct or if I have some other issue, as surely antidepressants should HELP not make things worse. I know you have to try new meds for 6+ weeks to see the benefits but I'm not sure I have the energy to see it out. Last 2 meds I tried I stuck with for that length of time and just felt increasingly worse the longer things went on.......... plus the washout period, etc. ughhhh maybe I need to see a Pdoc rather than my GP. Any thoughts? Anyone had any similar experience and found ANY med that can help anxiety/stress/agitation?

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The thought of suicide gives me butterflies.

I am very depressed, anxious, and suicidal. I've been feeling this way, worse and worse for months. It got even worse 5 weeks ago and I've felt suicidal nearly every day for the past 5 weeks. I see a tdoc, but I'm not sure she really cares, or idk. for 3 weeks I told her I was suicidal (talke about plan etc) two weeks ago I was pretty serious (plan, intent, time, note, means etc) she said she was going to have to call the police if I didn't promise to be safe. Now see, I HATE these kind of promises because they mean nothing to me. I can't promise I won't hurt myself or try to kill myself because I can't guarantee that life won't feel like too much between now and next thursday Dr. kelly, and I don't fucking want to do to the pysch ward. I basically told her I didn't want to promise (for those reasons) and that even if I DID promise her I'd be lying because I didn't want to go to the hospital. so we sat for a few minutes and she said "I'm gona have to call if you can't promise you'll stay safe." I huffed and said "fine." But I lied. I would have said anything to not go to the hospital. See 1) I don't believe they help, I don't think anything helps I think life is a horrible nightmare from which I will never wake up and no meds or treatment helps. I see my tdoc because I don't like feel alone and at least she tolerates my ramblings. 2) I am a therapist (licensed MA level) AND a little less than a year away from being a psychologist (yeah even we can be seriously fucked up) and have worked in hospitals I KNOW they usually do more harm than good for people like me ("just" depressed and suicidal) they may help those with schizophrenia, unmedicated bi-polar, development issues, etc who illnesses need round the clock care for their life and who 100% need meds and are usually non-compliant). So I told my tdoc that I would lie to her and say "yes, I can stay safe" even when I can't because I'm not going to the hosp. She only wants to save her butt. I'd rather she just not ask. Theoretically she should have called anyway since I told her my "yes" may mean "no" or at the very least "I'm not sure" and sure enough both times I did this I either 1) drank until I blacked out, and the 2nd time I took 7mg of xanax with a couple shots of vodka in a weak ass attempt that resulted in me waking up almost 2 days later (don't do this, it was theoretically possible to kill myself that way, and I don't want to suggest to others that this will never result in death, it very likely could....which is why I did it). I still have not told my tdoc this. I did tell her that I will never willing seek a higher level of care, and that I'm not going to really talk about SI any more with her. But I want to, I want her to know I'm in so much pain. that I need help, even if I don't want it. that I can't do this anymore. All mental illness is isolating, but I feel super isolated as a mental health profesional, I'm in a large city but the mental health community is small, I can't go to some of the best treatment centers because my friends work there or I have worked there, and it's kind of taboo to be currently struggling with serious mental illness (some adjustment disorder or situational depression is okay, but MDD or ED etc not cool) wich sucks because we're supposed to be all accepting and shit. I don't know what my point is. I am just very lonely, suicidal, and depressed. and hopeless. going to my tdoc is like me going to mental health hospice I just go to ameliorate some of the loneliness ..it dosen't help me get better but it makes it slightly less lonely, but I will die. probably soon. Oh I also have eaten 1 chicken tender and an apple in the past 2 days total. She dosen't know or care to ask because I'm still too fat to have a "real" ED (bullshit). Sorry for talking too much. I'm sure no one read this.