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  1. Hi fellow depressed people, Long story short, I am at the last chance saloon w.r.t. treatments. I've tried them all, every single one has failed, and one remains - VNS. Statistically, VNS will fail and the problem I will face is that there are so many things I want to do in order to bow out as I see fit, and yet I'm so depressed, there's no way I can do them - the irony etc. etc. Logistical tasks, organizational tasks, organizing my finances, making sure I say goodbye to everyone I want to - these are all things I cannot do alone, I'm just so depressed. Hence, can anyone think of something like Task Rabbit for suicidal people (tee hee)? What do you think a ... rabbiter (?) (the task-doer person) would do if you asked them to help you out with your final wishes and tasks and so on? I've no idea if it's even legal in the US! I can't ask family because they'd commit me, and my therapist has said several times that she'd be obligated to do the same if I asked for assistance etc. Hence 🤔 Any thoughts anyone? Any ideas, suggestions? 🙏🏻
  2. So for seventeen years I've had pain depression. It especially feels like it's squeezing my heart. It hasn't historically been *about* anything. I've just chalked it up to biochemistry, heredity. And I've thought about suicide, most days, for at least fifteen years - because pain sucks. Ups-and-downs. Roller-coasters. Probably every person on here has done time at the worst torture theme park in the world. Two years ago, my cocktail started working. There was some CBT and DBT in the mix too. I decreased my daily Ativan from 3mg to 2mg. Plus 20mg Latuda, 300mg Sertraline, 100mg Topamax. I actually felt happy, for about two years, until this October. Then it stopped working. And I stopped working. I work in a level I trauma center, where I identify cancer, anemia, and the effects of the coronavirus on the human body. I feel like I have a front row seat to human suffering, without being empowered to ameliorate it, and it's another kind of torture. I am very tired of fighting. If there was a euthanasia travel agency, where I could just walk in, plan my funeral and end-of-life arrangements, plan my ideal death, and just call this thing at 38, that would be a somewhat attractive option (not telling, The Tallest Man on Earth, flaming-Viking-burial-at-sea.) I'm tired of fighting this disease, personally. And I'm tired of coming up against the tsunami of "world suck" (H/T Vlog Brothers) which seems to be hate-fucking itself ad astra. So the strain theory, which I haven't read much on yet, is that we consider the termination of our lives when under one or more types of strain. I personally find this theory hopeful, as targeting the sources of strain, i.e. "world stuck," could reduce the inducements to terminate one's life. The General Strain Theory, according to one Wik I. Pedia cites loss of positive stimuli, addition of negative stimuli, or the inability to reach a desired goal, as three possible sources of strain. I will follow up on this with my tdoc on Wednesday. I think work is introducing negative stimuli, and I have a shit ton of unreached goals, but am starting to care about goals less and less. Basically, it pisses me off that I've had to dramatically reduce my goals due to my diseases, and it's kind of tempting to just leave the party. Please feel free to weigh in if you have personal and or academic experience with this. I'm also meeting virtually with my pdoc tomorrow... to tweak the cocktail. Would love recommendations. My current rx mix, dxs and rx, failures are in my signature. Lamictal induces hives and vomiting. Depakote causes dyskinesia. Lithium ruined the thyroid and causes acute renal failure. Medicine. Ha ha. Organ roulette. So the observation about different species of depression is that while for a decade-and-a-half I experienced what seemed like purely biochemical, chains-around-my-heart, tar-and-shark-filled, basements-beneath-basements depression. This feels more like a rational(?) depression, which has me concerned about whether it will be responsive to biochemical therapy.
  3. It's been a long while since my last visit here, and even longer since last writing anything. I don't know where to write this, or even what to write, but there really is no one else to talk to. So... long story short, I attempted suicide about 6 months ago (not my first try), and obviously, failed at that, again. I have been in a relationship more or less 5 years now, and I guess I can summarize that into "it's complicated". Things have been going from bad to worse since the suicide attempt. To a point that few weeks ago, my (I don't know what to call him, "partner"?) was violent towards me (not really the first time this kind of thing has happened, but certainly the worst). He so angry all the time (at me, I guess.. and certainly some of it is completely justified), it feels like he is expecting me to be "grateful" for him saving my life, and when I can't, it makes things even worse. It doesn't really make things any easier, that we both have some pretty serious issues. Me with depression, and trauma-related dissociative "disorder" (?), or at least a tendency to dissociate in difficult situations. And he with alcohol abuse, and some traumas of his own. Anyway, right now we are still living in the same house (he is occupying most of the space, and I am kind of living in my workroom) but we don't really have a "together-life". I don't have a lot of friends in general, and the few I have are living relatively far from where I live. My mother lives not-too-far-away, but we aren't very close, and I can't imagine talking to her about this.
  4. So I don’t know how to come out and say this ...... but life has been driving me slowly even more mad and I’ve been looking into killing my self using vet medicine ......... but giving my self a plan and a date gives me peace I don’t know
  5. They told me my epival levels were low, and then the entities stopped moving my body towards the edge of the platform when the nurse practitioner gave me a pill doser.... I probably never updated that much. How can I find a proper way to kill myself? If I kill myself, then I wake up somewhere else. If I die by any other means, even if they use force to make me kill myself, then I am erased. I greatly apologize if this is inappropriate, lately I'm deemed as such everywhere. I''ve tried overdosing many a time, and I've been in and out of IP for almost 10 years (give or take). I just want to be in control of my death. The other option is really painful. From binging and purging my oesophagus is starting to tear because there is blood when I vomit. But it's OK because I'm an obese blob. I just want to die.
  6. I'm a better person when I'm drunk. I know this isn't a good way to think but it's probably true. The reason is that I can't stand myself when I'm sober, and in order to be able to offer anything to another person you need to believe that you have something to offer. One of the main reasons for hating myself is the depression and the life it's made me lead. Self harm scars and the countless times I've thought about killing myself. It's always been a part of me but it's a part that I don't want to accept. But shutting out a part of yourself makes you feel like you aren't a real person, and you can't just shut out the bad, it's all or nothing and if you shut yourself off from misery then you also shut yourself off from happiness. Self acceptance and self compassion have always sounded like good ideas. Here's a story. When I was very young I started cutting myself and my parents eventually found out. Not the best response from them. Didn't stop cutting but learnt that I'm a freak and no-one will understand or love me for being this way. If your parents won't offer you kindness and compassion then why would anyone else? Oh poor little me. But it set a pattern. It's wrong to feel like this and no-one will love you if you do. I'm older now and I realise how shit my parents were, but I can't say that I've got over this feeling. Release the drunken Kraken! When me and the monster are drunk enough we can get along and I can feel like a complete human being for a while. I'm sure that many people have had much more traumatic lives than me, but there's so much that I don't want to remember.
  7. Hi guys this will be my first time making a post, but I wanted to talk about this game I recently played. Some might know it and I would like to know your take on the howl thing.... this game messed me up bad I knew what it was about but I dident think it would effect me this much I just cant get it out of my head. For the past 2 days I have been obsessing about it, SPOILER ALERT! if you decide to play it for yourself but I wouldn't suggest it I thought I could handle it I have been stable now for 6 months taking my meds every day but guess I just not made for shit like that. Basically its about these 4 girls one is your best friend from when you where little named Sayori and the other 3 are Monica the club president, Yuri the quite strange girl and then Natsuki the cute girl trying to hide behind a though guy personality. Now the game starts all innocent and shit with you trying to impress the girl you want to romance with writing them poems that thy might like, but and this is where it gets dark Sayori ends up hanging her self no matter what dialog you choose all options lead to her committing suicide she suffers from depression and cant deal with here feelings but what bothers me most is that there is nothing you can do to save her, after a while you get invested with these characters and it hit me hard be cause you discover her no warning just BAM! in your face. Then the girl Yuri she cuts herself and end up stabbing herself to death in front of you because her OCD and cutting gets so bad she doesn't know what to do anymore once again no option to help or save her. Natsuki gets abused by her father and always acts cute but hiding under a harsh and hard exterior she doesn't end up killing herself though but she gets deleted from the game file by Monica. And this is the twist there is never one on one dialogue with Monica and she gets jealous and starts making the other characters mental health issues worse until they end up killing them self so she will be the only one left and you will have to talk to her, but you end up having to kill here by deleting her game file and she dies but before that she restores all the other girls so you can be happy because she loves you. So you start a new game and all seems normal and well, with only Sayori, Yuri and Natsuki in the game now you play till the first scene and its starts again with Sayori doing the same as Monica, but she gets stopped by what remains of Monica and she deletes the entire game saying that they can never be happy and this is the only way and she loves you and plays an love song for you she wrote on the piano, after that the game is corrupt and you can no longer play it. This messed me up so much and it probably sounds like I'm a weeb but yea just as a disclaimer the creator does have warnings all over the place for people not to play this game if you are sensitive or suffer from mental health issues but i chose to ignore it and ended up regretting it. If you know the game please share your feelings I would like to know thanks Darth out
  8. I don't understand ANY of this and i'm fed up. I haven't left home in months, the clinician who has been occasionally coming to my home has said she doesn't believe in hospitalization for anything other than emergencies and can't personally do anything to get me into hospital anyway. I am feeling completely hopeless. I have a long history with the local hospital(only hospital in our city) and i've been repeatedly denied admission. I'm only 18 and i've been dealing with this joke of a mental health system for over 3 years. Along with anxiety and major depressive disorder, I was also diagnosed with BPD "traits" by an emergency department physician I saw for 10 minutes when I was 15, which was the start of this all. Looking back at my old posts really show how long i've been going through this. I have anxiety and depression almost 24/7. Every day is a struggle to just get by and normal activities stress me out so much. Due to myself being unable to leave home because of anxiety, i've not been seeing doctors or real therapists(besides the clinician that has come to my home). Nothing has been accomplished. The most recent meeting was to try and get me into the psychiatric unit, but obviously that didn't work out. The emergency department is obviously always an option, but I am 90% certain I will be sent home instead of kept inpatient. To them, it doesn't matter how suicidal I am(even if I have a plan). Last time I went was in March and was sent home(Which I made a post about as well). I don't know what their deal is. Apparently its not uncommon in Canada, but how is this legal? What DOES it take to get in? I seriously need intensive help. I can't focus on outpatient therapy while i'm this unstable. This is one of my old posts made more than 2 years ago. I really appreciate all the responses and suggestions and i've tried almost all of them. It seems like i'm just a hopeless case at this point, especially since nobody will help me. Its just hard to believe sometimes. A lot has changed since then, including the fact that I no longer even have a psychiatrist.
  9. im 37 im gay, im intelligent, im kind, im caring, im not coping, im misdiagnosed, i know what causes my bipolar, im lonely, want to know youre not alone...
  10. Perceiving value in your life is not a thought form of perception (awareness) at all. Rather, it is an emotional awareness. In other words, our emotions do not have some sort of mind control effect on us where they force us to perceive, through our thinking, our lives being good or bad to us. It is purely the emotions themselves that allow us to see values in our lives. Emotions are actually a sense like sight. They allow us to see the values that things and situations hold in our lives. It is only our positive emotions that allow us to see the positive qualities of life (i.e. the good values) while it is only our negative emotions that allow us to see the negative qualities of life (i.e. the bad values). Having neither positive nor negative emotions would be no different than a blind person. No value judgment can allow this blind person to see just as how no value judgment or mindset can allow us to see the values in our lives.
  11. So sorry to hear of his suicide! Prayers to his family and friends. I started listening to their band years ago when my son left his cds laying around. Great music.
  12. If you are taking either of these medications and are experiencing suicidal feelings, I want you to hold on, and tell yourself it is the medication and not you. Hold on: you have a precious human life - taper gradually off the drugs, and find other ways of dealing with the symptoms for which the medication was prescribed. After my experience with the world of psychiatry, I have this to say: if you can find a way of functioning without antipsychotics, then don't be pressurised into taking those medications. I found in my case that even when I was largely functional, and not suffering too much, there was some zeal on the part of the psychiatric profession in trying to push antipsychotics at me, simply by virtue of the diagnosis. The diagnosis was an episode of psychosis, or with psychotic elements, and therefore antipsychotics were strongly recommended. This was even after I was experiencing these strong suicidal feelings which were so uncharacteristic of me, and which I hadn't been experiencing before taking the drugs. I decided to try an extremely low dose of Abilify - less than the so-called "effective minimum dose", since I found it hard to function on the dose originally prescribed (something which the prescribing psychiatrist didn't really accept.) On this "below minimum" dose of Abilify, I started to experience strong agitation - one of the side-effects. Therefore I doubled my dose of Clonazepam. As a result, I became very tired - my energy levels plummeted, and I found myself having to limit my sporting activity to about a third of previous levels. My walking became relatively slow. I started to develop symptoms associated with schizophrenia which I hadn't had previously: less mobility in my facial expressions, it started to be a struggle to look after myself, to clean my home, to go shopping - though I forced myself through it all. I started to go to bed early because of extreme tiredness, and stopped going out in the evening, and as a result became socially isolated, and felt myself spiral into a depression. Weeks before becoming depressed, I already started to experience suicidal feelings - disembodied: unlinked to depression. My depression was so severe that I found it hard to eat, and rather than gaining weight as is the tendency on this drug, I rapidly lost weight. I found it hard to write fluently - the drug seemed to affect my muscular ability, and lost my articulateness, finding it relatively hard to express myself (and as you can see, this is something I have no trouble doing without the antipsychotics!). I lost my creative ability, and was unable to engage in the activities that made my life meaningful. These also contributed to my spiralling downwards. Deep inside the depression, I lost interest in all the things that had made my life meaningful up to that time. Instead of accepting my view that the suicidal feelings and depression were linked to the drug Abilify, the psychiatrist described it as "the evolution of an illness". Another psychiatrist decided to transfer me instead to the antipsychotic Seroquel, even though it states in the contra-indications that this drug may intensify existing suicidal feelings, and surely enough, it intensified mine. Since (I presume) I was on such a low dose of Abilify, the psychiatrist didn't instruct me to taper Abilify, but simply to stop it, and start Seroquel. I was taking half a tablet with the minimum dosage. Since I didn't like feeling suicidal, and I guess I didn't want to end up going that way, I decided I wanted to discontinue the antipsychotic medication. I was told that I could simply stop taking the medication: I suppose it wasn't felt necessary to advise me to taper the medication as it was below the minimum effective dose as recognized by the psychiatrists. (As a result of my experience, I would advise anyone to taper when coming off an antipsychotic - however small the dose. If, like me, you are taking half a tablet a day, you could then take it every other day for a while, and then every third day, etc.) I started to experience almost total insomnia which lasted about 6 weeks. At every stage, it was not acknowledged by psychiatrists that the manifestations I was experiencing were caused by medication, or withdrawal from it. Thus, the insomnia was attributed to my depression, rather than to withdrawal from the medication. It was on the internet that I was able to learn that chronic insomnia is a withdrawal effect from Abilify and Seroquel, and since I had only taken Seroquel for a few days while still having Abilify in my system, I must have been withdrawing from both. I was prescribed the highest dose of the sleeping medication Zopiclone (Zimovane) intensified by an extra Clonazepam tablet at night; this provided me with about two hours of sleep a night. While affected by this insomnia, I was still experiencing suicidal feelings, and would be lying awake almost the whole night thinking of the pros and cons of various ways of killing myself. After about 5 or 6 weeks, with the antipsychotics out of my system, the insomnia ended, and by this time, I had started taking an antidepressant, and my suicidal feelings subsided. By now I have come off all medication - including the antidepressant: Citalopram, since it was affecting my memory. If I feel the need, I take the very occasional half a tablet of Clonazepam. I firmly believe, following my experience, that a proportion of psychiatric patients are being misdiagnosed based on the manifestations of the side effects of antipsychotic medication, and the expression of beliefs which have nothing to do with brain chemistry. I further believe that for all the lives that may be saved as a result of the administration of antipsychotics, there is a significant proportion of patients who commit suicide not because of their illness, but because of the side effects of medication which they may be unnecessarily or inappropriately prescribed. These numbers then get lumped together with the numbers who commit suicide as a result of their illness, and is used as further evidence that suicidal action or attempts are symptoms of psychotic illnesses. If you are feeling suicidal, you will not believe that your life is precious. But hold on - because it is.
  13. This happens to me all the time. I'm honestly not sure if I've ever actually experienced mania despite what doctors say. This whole mess started when I crashed into a really bad depression after having the best summer of my life. The thing is, during that really awesome summer, I don't recall ever having this intense euphoric feeling, having trouble sleeping, or being intensely focused on anything. I did feel pretty awesome, though. While normally I'm incredibly shy, introverted and depressed, I was suddenly really outgoing, being able to talk to strangers without any anxiety. I was also obsessed with public transportation for some reason. I had to ride every single train in the city and go to every stop. I have no idea why that was. Then there was this whole issue of me spending money frivolously like paying $15 for a bunch of freaking guitar picks, buying my friends things, and a plane ticket out west. Early that fall, I started to crash after I became obsessed with my self-image. My mood started to really deteriorate until I hit rock bottom after botching a job interview. It was then that I tried to end my life for the first time by taking an unknown amount of Zoloft. Thankfully I didn't suffer any serious effects from that, but after telling my therapist about it, she had me sent to the ER and I barely managed to avoid the psych unit somehow. After seeing my psychiatrist, she mentioned the possibility of me having bipolar and put me on Lamictal. I kind of just brushed it all off as me being weird that whole time. I'm not really sure if that sounds like hypomania. I know about how it's pointless to overthink the whole diagnosis thing, but this is constantly torturing my mind throughout the day and I feel like I need to know whether questioning the diagnosis is a symptom of the disease, or if I've really just been faking it this whole time. I really don't want to be taking all these meds if I really don't have to. I know I'm kind of rambling, sorry, but can anyone else relate?
  14. I don't feel anymore, all I hear is noise. No touch of a hand, no tickle of a whisper in my ear, not a kiss, an embrace, nothing. Nothing except noise. This constant white noise of sounds I can't even string together anymore. It's all consuming and too much. I want to switch it off but I can't do it alone. I need to know that there is someone out there who also hears the noise. Who, like me is ready to not just turn it down but switch it off completely.
  15. ... this is a question for anyone who has ever thought about or attempted suicide. i am just a kid. I'm twelve years old. yet I'm already thinking about it. my question: do you think its worth it? i means in both aspects. is it worth it to commit suicide, and is it worth it to live. the reason i ask this, is because i have a very... confusing mind. i do not have disabilities. i think farther ahead actually. i thought about it. my mind came to this conclusion: why is it worth living, if you know you will just end up dying in the end. even farther- the entire human race eventually has to die out. my achievements. my ideas. they will all vanish. and if im not remembered, thats worse. i would just be that girl that died. it might be talked about for a week to a month- but then I'm gone. forever. im not a very positive person, as you can see. i wont do it now. i wont do it until very later. until im sure i will be remembered. but i just want to ask, if i should do it at all. yesterday, we went to the aquarium. we were on the fifth floor in the parking lot. my dad caught me staring at the railing. i don't think he knows. i don't want my family to know. then that brings up the question- what will it do to my family? i bet they would be better off without me yelling. without me be sassy, or rude. i bet they would forget. i bet they would laugh. but i know that's not true. i know they would be devastated. but i want to twist it in my mind, to make it seem alright. to justify it. whats wrong with me....? i don't want to die yet. not until im sure i did something. maybe i wont ever do it, if i find something worth living for. maybe I want to twist things because don't feel empathy. standing in other peoples shoes... wonder what their feeling? thats nonsense. i dont care. i dont care. they can tell me that this person feels bad about something i did. i dont care. i cant care. i want to care. i dont want to care, because then it will hurt, and i would be a different person. much more different. i would want to live with all my heart. all these superstitions, daydreams of red.. would vanish. but i need them. i dont want to let them go. my mother is coming up the stairs. i dont want her to see this. shes with my sister. im posting on the internet about this because my family wont understand. they will try to hold me down. they will try to bring me to some therapist. they will try to "fix" me. i need advice from people who have thought this before. my family is not bad. but they are too good for me protective. i may not respond right away, as i try to hide my thoughts as best i can. goodbye.
  16. For the past 2 weeks I have been stuck in a rut. I don't know what caused it, but I can't get myself out. 3 nights ago, I was home and I just felt getting sucked into it deeper and deeper. I called my boyfriend, because I felt like if I were to stay home that night I would've done something bad. So I drove to his house. On my way over, I was overflown with dark thoughts. I kept thinking about driving my car off the highway or runing into a truck. Nobody would know that I did it with my own will. I could've made it look like an accident. I was so close to doing it. But somehow I stopped myself. I still don't know how. Now everytime I get into my car I keep having those thoughts. I didn't tell my boyfriend, because I would just scare him. He was already worried about me, because I wasn't reacting to anything. It was like I wasn't there. The next day I woke up, feeling better, but during the day it got worse again. I can't get myself out of this rut. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm typing this post. It's not like anyone can really help me. I have no reason to be suicidal - I'm not suicidal, but why did I have those thoughts. I can't believe how close I came to crashing my car. I even scared myself.
  17. I've been titrating Seroquel down from a dose of 600mg XR and I'm now down to 0mg. I've been titrating slowly, without going cold turkey. Because of the way Seroquel XR is formulated, you have to drop from 50 mg to 0. It is worth noting that I'm being treated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, not schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. I'm in the process of taking Prazosin (minipress) and titrating it up to a therapeutic level and now that I'm up to 20 mg of Prazosin, I'm feeling okay in general. Prazosin is an alpha 1 adrenergic receptor antagonist in the same way that seroquel is - hence the change in medication. I reduced the seroquel from 50 mg to 0 mg on Thursday night. I slept fine on the Thursday, but by Friday afternoon, things fell apart. I became irrationally suicidal. I had a large amount of medication due to weaning off seroquel, titrating up the Prazosin and also taking 300 mg of Pristiq per day. Since then, I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night. I can't seem to get to sleep before 5 am, and I wake after a couple of hours at best. The insomnia is intolerable, I just can't drift off to sleep. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to go to the GP and get some sleeping tablets.because I just need something to get me to sleep. My psychiatrist has been really unhelpful, he tells me to just take enough seroquel to make me sleep, but I don't want to do that. I feel like if I do that, that I'll never get off the seroquel. I need to be able to sleep because I'm a law student, and my trimester is starting in a week's time. How long will the insomnia from the seroquel last?
  18. Alright, let's do this. Long story short, I had an amazing childhood, plenty of friends, loving family, I was outgoing, life was just awesome. Fast forward to middle school (8th grade), I suddenly become shy out of o where. Lost friends, became a loner, got teased/bullied daily. Same shit happened in high school, except it was worse. I thought things would be better once I got into college, and guess the fuck what? It has never been this bad. Frankly, I don't understand why I'm picked on. I think it's bc I'm so quiet/shy and people take advantage of that. Any fucking ways. I'm sick of it, and I'm ready to bounce. So, basically I've developed depression, aniexiy, horrible social skills, and blah blah blah. I don't wanna bore you. You get the picture though. I've done lots of research and I found a painless, peaceful way to die. I could do it anytime I want, BUT IM SO FUCKING SCARED. I'm terrfied of the after-life. I'm Christian, and I don't know if suicide is a forgivable sin. One day I was watching a horror movie, and a woman had acid poured on her face, and her flesh was burning and melting. And I thought...THAT COULD FUCKING BE ME IF I DID IT. I know, a fix to my worries is to endure a miserable life in order to avoid eternal torture, but I seriously can't. Some people might say, "omg shut up life is hard for everyone, suck it up". I couldn't care less about those people. You expect me to continue my misery because you're telling me that I should? Fuck outtaaaaaaa here. There are other factors/consequences for my actions, like hurting my family. I thought about it for nearly 4 years and I'm going to be selfish and do it anyways. All that crap people say about "it will get better" is not true. There's something else I'm not mentioning because I'm too embarased to say (the main reason for this suicide), but let's just say that I cannot have any social life or even a job because of it. I cannot be around people. I cannot make a living because a job requires an interview and co-workers. I'm barely getting through college, and my grades are struggling because I skip classes (since it's a huge room filled with 600+ people). I don't eat or go to the dinning halls bc again...people. I literally have nothing to live for. I don't mind the isolation, in fact, it's the only time I'm at peace. But I can't be isolated forever. I hope I'm making sense. Anyways. I need some thought about this. If you're reglious, do you think I will be forgiven? If you're not, do you think life after death is peaceful?
  19. This is an inoccent question, i am not suicidal, i am purely curious. Is suicide illegal? And if you where to survive it, could you be charged, even if its rare to do so?
  20. Self harm is very addictive and it becomes an addiction at times and something that is so difficult to stop. Sometimes I wish I never started but now I just can't stop. Cutting has been a real struggle for me and I just relapsed and now everything seems to be depressed for me. I just wish that I wouldn't have to live with this addiction anymore. If any of you can relate, feel free to add your struggles too. Thanks.
  21. This is an inoccent question, i am not suicidal, i am purely curious. Is suicide illegal? And if you where to survive it, could you be charged, even if its rare to do so?
  22. Not many of you know me, infact probably none of you. But I just picked myself up off the kitchen floor where I had been laying in my own tears and snot for hours, so I figured at least trying to write something out might be helpful. And where better to do that than somewhere people might actually understand and not tell me to get over it?. So here it goes. My name is eleni delacour (yes the suicidal bullied girl from bbc news -sigh-, )I have depression, anxiety, bpd, ptsd and lately a while lot of migraines. I grew up around crime, my mum was a drug dealer and dad and stepdad both abusers, bla bla bla you get the jist. I spent years not being able to handle physical contact and being afraid of the outside world. 7 years ago I moved to England thinking my life would change. Well it did but it didn't improve, school bullies changed faces but kept their cruelty, my mum got a legit job but still lied and became a hypocrit. So everything changed but at the same time nothing changed. I still was mentally ill and I got worse, panic attacks began suicidal attempts were constantly on my thoughts... again you get the jist. 5 years ago I met someone who changed my life for the better, he forced me into hugs not drugs, he made me fall madly inlove with him. Hooray happily ever after! Not! To this day he is the most amazing person in my life. But the rest of my life is crashing down around me, I finally found my reason to live, and it's slowly becoming my reason to die. 4 years ago I had a mental breakdown at work and lost my job, they put me on strong medication and signed me 'unfit'for work. I was still living with my mother who insisted I went on benefits even though I really didn't want to take money from the goverment. So yay, I had money. I paid rent to my mum and stayed in my room most of the time, out of the way and best of all away from people. But that wasn't good enough for her, she held an 'intervention'on my lifestyle. I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink, as long as I was left alone then I couldn't cause trouble. Couldn't lose control. Couldn't hurt anyone. But her ideas were different, a bed time, a waking up time, an exercise plan and food plan, scheduled meals and social interaction... no, I didn't want this I just wanted to be left alone. After I said no she kicked me out. Then lied saying she didn't so I would have no choice but to return home and follow her schedules and plans. I know she done it out of love but she also done it out of selfishness and guilt. Mostly guilt. So after a few months her and her new boyfriend decide they are done with responsibilities. My sister and I were given a date to move out by because my mum decided we were old enough to look after ourselves. Fair enough. But being unemployed, unfit for work, drugged up, depressed, and just downright nowhere near ready didn't matter to her. My boyfriend, the truly amazing man that he is moved out of his mother's and we got a flat together to save me from the fate of homelessness, and suicidal behaviour at the thought of losing my cats (They are my children. Don't judge) and one has brain damage and would be put down if not cared for. And this is when it's all began, life decided it hasn't kicked me in the nuts enough already so after finding a flat to live in that allowed pets and was affordable once you add up my partner's wages and my benefits, my doctors discharged me as a patient without teĺling me which left me with no meds for 6 weeks, then I found out that by moving in with my partner the goverment now class his wages as mine and took away the little money they have me to live, then I lost all my friends and my volunteer job because I couldn't cope under pressure once. And after all this wasn't enough the goverment have decided I now owe them £2000. Which I found out today. We can barely survive on what we have but they just want more from us. And I'm still not allowed to work. I think I'm due another mental breakdown. The reason for this whole history lesson on my life is this, I feel like a burden. I feel like all I am doing is costing people money and making their lives difficult. I don't know if it sounds nuts or not considering I love my boyfriend and he loves me. But i want to die, I want to die because I feel like it would be best for him. Without me he could afford to live and not just survive. I'm stuck in a shot storm and there's nothing I can do to make anything better except cut the head off the snake. I am the root of the problems and I need to go. It's the only logical thing I could do to fix this. But I can't bring myself to do it because of how much it would hurt him. But sometimes the things that are best for us don't make us happy, he wouldn't be happy for a while but he would be able to live. Ha and to think I was worried about Christmas!
  23. Hi all, I haven't posted here in nearly a year I guess. Not because I've had some miracle recovery from depression but mainly because I have been managing to survive day to day with a bit of help. I'm on no meds apart from 1 or 2mg per week of lorazepam for panic attacks or sleep. I cut right back from 3mg per day over the last year. Now it is more PRN. But the last month my mood has gone super low again. I have been looking for a part time job but I realise due to my mental state and physical health I have so many limitations it is almost impossible. My care worker has tried to bring forward my Pdoc appointment, it has been over a year since I saw a doctor. I don't see how they pdoc can help as I have tried so many medications over the years. I also have physical issues going on for years - chronic pain - I had surgery to fix my knee last year which helped a bit but not as good as I had hoped for. I still have pain.. I'm waiting to see a rhematologist now to see if there is something inflammatory going on. Yes so I feel super low and suicidal again. Plus this week now my mom, the only person I have any real connection with, is waiting on test results to see if she has cancer. This has totally freaked me out. If she has cancer and dies then there is basically nothing left for me at all. I feel useless. I have failed at study. failed at working. failed at making friends and failed at having a life. my life is 24/7 internet or computer. pathetic.
  24. I have had horrible depressive nightmares as a result of severe depression throughout my life. These depressive nightmares were not normal experiences of a normal healthy depressed brain. They were experiences of a severely ill and tormented brain since my depression has gotten to the point of being so severe that it has taken my life away. The depression (hopelessness) and the horrible mental states experienced in those nightmares were nothing normal and was beyond anything imaginable since experiences in nightmares are nothing like experiences in your waking life. People who have near death experiences sometimes have distressing or hellish ones. They experience the horrible indescribable mental states that they experience in their worst nightmares just as bad or even far worse than their worst nightmares. But it's much worse since they experience it fully conscious since people are fully conscious and aware during their near death experiences. They are hyper aware and everything is hyper real. To be fully aware and conscious of these horrible experiences is far worse than being less aware of them during your nightmares. If I ever have a near death experience myself someday, then there is the possibility that I could experience those horrible indescribable depressive mental states that I experienced in those depressive nightmares. To experience that fully conscious would be something so indescribably horrible that there is no way for me to be fine with that and not worry about that. The possibility (no matter how slim) that I could have such a hellish or distressing near death experience has completely taken my life away from me. It is a constant non-stop 24/7 obsessive worry that has destroyed my life to where I am not functioning and not doing any of my hobbies, it has troubled me, traumatized me, and has made everything in my life completely devoid of all joy and meaning to make my life worth living. So my life is now completely gone and is no longer worth living which is why I have to somehow find a way to address this worry so that I can have my life back. But I don't think it's possible and I think there is no hope since it is impossible for me to let something this horrible go and to be at peace with and allow myself to be fine with the idea of possibly experiencing this. I am fine with and am at peace with facing any horrible experience in my waking life since these experiences are normal no matter how bad they are. But those experiences in my depressive nightmares was something indescribable. They were completely altered abnormal mental states that were an indescribable hell. They were far beyond just some really horrible nightmarish experience. It was beyond anything imaginable and there is no way I am fine and at peace with the idea of possibly experiencing that again fully conscious during a near death experience. There is no way for me to just be here in the moment and not to worry about it. I don't think any therapeutic techniques can help this. This is something so far beyond horrible that there is no possible way for me to let this go, be at peace with, and not worry about. This situation seems like it is far beyond therapy and other known relaxation, meditation, coping, etc. techniques. So what do we do for this and what hope is there for this? I will add two additional points that are important that I would like to make. The first being that as long as I have this obsessive worry, my life will continue to remain empty and miserable like this. Having such obsessive depressive worries in your life causes your mind to focus on a problem and to shut out everything else in your life so that everything else is completely shut out of all joy and significance (meaning). As long as I have this worry, then everything in my life will continue to remain dead and empty to me since my mind will always continue to shut those things out. I will also remain non-functional in doing my hobbies and such since having this trouble and worry has rendered me this way. The last point I would like to make is that some therapists and mental health professionals would say that it is all my way of looking at those mental states in my depressive nightmares. That if I were to instead look at them differently such as looking at them from a more positive and less horrible perspective, that I wouldn't have to worry about experiencing them again fully conscious during a near death experience. But the experience is what it is. It truly was that horrible and no change of thinking can change that experience for what it truly was. During that time I had those horrible depressive nightmares, I was so desperate to try this. I was so desperate to try and take away the horrible power of these experiences by telling myself before I went to bed that they are nothing more than unpleasant experiences, that I can look at them from less horrible perspectives to make these experiences less horrible, etc. But that did nothing. When I had those depressive nightmares, the experiences were just as horrible. So this says that experiences alone in of themselves can be the absolute worst and most horrible or they can be the absolute best and glorious. This says that the experiences themselves alone have this power and that it is not just simply your way of looking at them. If it was nothing more than your way of looking at them, then a change of thought should change the experience. In other words, if you looked at a certain experience in the very beginning as the most horrible experience, but then changed your perspective of that experience as being nothing more than an unpleasant feeling, then that is all that it should be now. So next time you have it again, it won't bother you that much and would now just be nothing more than an unpleasant feeling and would no longer be the horrible experience it was before. But this isn't the case for me. The experience is what it is regardless of how I choose to view it in a different manner. In conclusion, some therapists would tell me: "Yes, it may very well be that horrible of an experience. But you'll get through it no matter how horrible it is if it ever does happen to you." This statement does not make me any less worried. It does not bring me peace or anything. You do not realize what this is. You do not realize just how horrible that experience was. There is no possible way for me to be at ease with the idea of experiencing it fully conscious during a near death experience.
  25. So the story is really complicated but I don't know how to move on with my life after it. To summarize, I got married 4.5 years ago and we moved here together. From the beginning he constantly threatened me with divorce which took its toll on my mood (I tried commiting suicide a few months after moving here). I never wanted to cheat but in addition to threats of divorce, he always called me oversexual and suggested I see a doctor (I wanted sex once a day... not unusual for a guy). Despite all of this I worked hard at a job I hated to support the both of us (he wouldn't work, he was a full time student and could have worked to help me, but he didn't want to do anything not related to his field of study). Anyway, fast forward we got our green cards (from my work that I only stayed at for him). A few months later he started dating (we were trying an open relationship but dating was not supposed to be allowed). He also lost "part" of his virginity to the guy he was dating and who is now his current boyfriend. He went back home to visit for the summer and asked me for a divorce 7000 miles away. We agreed to try and work through it, but meanwhile he was having sex with lots of different guys and he got back here only to mislead me and get me to still pay for his expenses despite being in love with someone else. He claimed "I can't decide about our relationship if I don't have food" so of course I bought him food... I'm bipolar and I have tried years and years of medications with no luck. Earlier this year I started smoking meth which I know is not good for you. I minimize the risks as much as possible of course and I can hold my own in an argument about whether it's actually as bad as the media portrays (for example, I know hypertension can cause LVH which is a serious risk factor for things like sudden cardiac death, not to mention aortic dissection and congestive heart failure... I want to be a vet lol). So here's the thing, smoking meth helps prevent my suicidal thoughts, but I do want to give it up and start focusing on my future. I need help though. Logically I don't want to be married to him, he's a terrible person (you can't say deep down he's a good person, I left out something very big because it's too painful for now, but I can share if it helps you help me :-( ). How can I move on from what he did? I just can't seem to do it. Logic is failing me which really sucks. What has cheered me up lately is accepting the fact that I think I'm done with relationships. I've had it, and I don't want it. You can say I'm jaded, I'm just in shock, or I'll change my mind one day, but it's the only thing that helps me when I'm feeling down. Recognizing that that part of my life is over. I do have a long road ahead of me, vet school (hopefully) but first I have to work about 2 years to save up for it. But despite a great plan, I can't get over it. It doesn't help that he's not cooperating at all with the divorce (which I now want of course). So now I'm filling out the papers and paying for my own divorce... that's really some twisted stuff right there. See? He's not a good person. Please help because the suicidal thoughts are stronger than ever. I tried going to a psychiatrist to get on meds again and he said he wouldn't prescribe me anything for at least a few weeks.... I've been on at least 10 bipolar meds and he's making me wait with vivid suicidal thoughts... first, do no harm? Can anyone help me please?
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