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Showing results for tags 'symptom flaring'.
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Obesessive compulsive psychosis? No, it isn't something I'm diagnosed with. As far as i know it isn't a "thing", though it may possibly be. I don't know. I pulled it out of my ass. It describes what happens when my ocd starts to flare so much that it tiptoes to the line of mild psychosis and kind of stops there, taunting for a while, pointing it's finger: "i'm not touching you, I'm not touching you! hahaha". At least that's how it can start. I got this job, a part time job, and it's great. I can see that. It is a good job and a good place with good people. But its been really stressful. It's new and the POS is actually pretty complicated, more complicated than any I've dealt with and I feel stupid. And lately the OCD stuff, the obsession stuff had been starting up badly again anyway. I'm doing everything wrong. Like, everything. What I say, how I hold a pen, how I walk, how I breathe, where I put a piece of paper. I don't mean like social anxiety. I mean there is a right way to do EVERY SINGLE THING A PERSON DOES. But I can't constantly be trying out ways to do stuff. Everyone talks about me because I am doing these things wrong, because I am wrong, because I don't belong. See Luna's Top Ten List of Pure O Thoughts and Thought Patterns for reference ANd I know some of that sounds really mild. And it can be, when it's mild, just floating around, not hammering on my brain every second. But we're talking ocd here. Try to not think of a pink elephant and all you think of is a pink elephant. When it's bad, IT'S BAD. And work... work is getting bad. I feel like I'm always wrong, and I'm getting convinced I'm going to be fired, that they don't believe what I put on my application, and I'm also kind of getting afraid of one of the managers specifically there. I think he doesn't like me, doesn't want me there, and wants me to be fired. Any of which may be true, but there's NO way i can know any of it, and that's the stickiness of the situation. I can't know it, but I feel it to be true anyway. It's disrupting my functioning. I wasn't sleeping well before and I'm still not. I was nearly crying yesterday at the register. I'm rearranging things a long and it's troublesome, I don't often do that a lot. I put in a call to my tdoc and pdoc. This isn't an emergency but it's urgent, so I hope they understand that. I'm so frustrated. I want to be normal and have a job and I'm scared I just can't do that right now. It would be such a disappointment if I can't. But how much fear should I go through and anxiety and sadness to keep up a job or other people's expectations or mine even? I don't know. I'm scared and sad. I just could use some support if anyone has some to give.