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May be triggers? Read at your own risk. ... I've had this window sitting in front of me for like 9 10 hours, without knowing what to write, but knowing that I want to write something. Thursday morning I meet with a medical doctor to have a consultation about beginning HRT. The discussion, at least at first, is going to be about doing a "trial"; Going on HRT for 30 or 60 days and seeing how I feel about it. Whether it makes me feel any better about myself, or not. I've seen this suggested by many people, but I've never been able to find any documentation about its medical recommendation. Right now, I theoretically identify as male. I say this because if I'd known what options were available to me, I would have transitioned at a very early age. Even though I have surrounded myself with LGBT people for more than 20 years, transition was something I had never even considered until recently. Mainly because I've never had what I thought of as classic dysphoria. While I've always wished I'd been born a cis-woman, with all accompanying bits, I've never had a *problem* with the parts that I do have. I've never wanted to remove anything. But I've always been a girl, even though right now I look like an overweight, bearded man. I associate with girls. I have always chosen to be the girl, in imaginary scenes as a child, to video games... especially in role-playing games. The online name that everyone has associated with me for more than 20 years is female. I don't know what I feel. I don't know what I truly want. I'm afraid of staying as I am, and I'm afraid of changing. I'm afraid of the ridicule, harrassment... I'm afraid I'll never look anything like I could have if I'd started young. I know I won't. It's not possible. I afraid to be "that freak," because I'm afraid I'll never come anything anywhere near "passing." I'm afraid of coming out. Of everything that you have to go through in transition. Coming out bisexual was easy. I accepted it in myself, I said it and it was done. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I've lost my way. I've lost the only person in the world that I want to have with me. I'm not sure I have the strength or courage that this will all require, especially since I don't know if it will make me feel any more "me"...
I am... a head case. You would currently recognize me as a 36 year old male. I'm recently separated from a relationship/marriage of 19 years. We have a five year old son together (who has his own behavioral issues, which compound my mental issues). We "share" custody. I take him every weekend while she gets to go out and play. I'm diagnosed as "Major depressive disorder, recurrent, severe, without mention of psychoses; panic disorder," with potential Borderline thrown on top due to infrequent but distinct manic episodes. I have dealt with suicidal ideation on a frequent basis since I was ten or younger, but now it's persistent. At any given moment you could ask what I'm thinking about, and unless I have specifically distracted myself, it's probably "how much I want to not be here anymore." I'm alone. I have no non-digital/non-long-distance friends that I can reach out to. I'm a terminal introvert, and meeting people, let alone making friends, is nearly impossible. I have family, and one or two of them actually care, but I don't interact with them. I am currently in consultations and discussions with doctors and therapists to potentially begin gender transition, male to female. So, yeah... you'll notice that most of the images I choose to represent myself are probably female, but if you ever see a picture of me I'm a bearded-guy. I have never been uncomfortable with my gender, per se, but I have never been comfortable. I don't hate what I am, but I don't like it. In my mind, from the time I was very, very young, I've always been female, and if I'd been able to change that all the way back then, I would have. As it is, even though I have been in and around the LGBT community for over 20 years, transition never presented itself as an option to me because I never felt like I fit the model. My gender dysphoria isn't accompanied by the hatred of my genitals that many people have. I'm quite comfortable, but if I had a magic pill, I'd take it in a heartbeat. So... I'm probably leaving a lot out, but that's me in a nutshell. My blog is there for the reading (I've removed the direct link at admin request because it contains some NSFW content, but you can find it associated with this username on tumblr - you'll just have to type it yourself). It's mostly a mixture of posts about my depression and ideation combined with re-blogged porn and other images that I find attractive. Just be forewarned about what you may or may not see there.