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  1. Starting with a new therapist who does psychoanalytic-type therapy. She is focused on tuning into the subconscious mind, because our conscious mind apparently only accounts for like 5% lived experience. We spend entire session in unstructured conversations and she questions my associations in detail. I spent decades on behavioral-focused therapies (CBT, DBT) thinking that it's "my fault" (or fault of my genes) that i cannot regulate my moods, crying spells, negative ruminations. I've failed those sorts of therapies, always trying to "force change" my conscious thought patterns & behaviors. I'm beginning to believe that maybe I have repressed & unprocessed trauma, much of which I cannot remember. I spend a lot of time dissociated, trying to go about my day. I've been reading about the effect of subconscious trauma, and the symptoms of it. Having large memory gaps... Chronic fatigue...Always plagued with irrational feelings that come out of nowhere... they say that in order to access the memories is to return the brain to the same state of consciousness as when the memory was encoded...but what if you were under the influence or in an unsafe situation? What if you were 4 years old? How do you even access the actual experience, if you don't remember the specific event? I am afraid to go down this road and open a Pandora's box of feelings, random associations, and impressions that I won't be able to make sense of. Consciously, I do not think about any specific events or trauma from the past....Some doctors say that efforts to uncover potential memories stand a strong chance of creating false recollections and narratives that could harm, distress, and destabilize. Can recovering repressed trauma actually be psychologically damaging? Memory itself is not reliable, and extremely malleable; no matter how strong and vivid memory may be, the human mind is desperately prone to fallibility.
  2. I am going to copy this out and hand over to my new trauma therapist, will circle which applies to me. I met with her last week and she educated me with certain diagnoses I was given that now fall under the new PTSD criteria. I also am keeping a daily log of my symptoms and triggers. CAUTION: May trigger * * * * * * * * * * * * Full copyrighted criteria are available from the American Psychiatric Association (1). All of the criteria are required for the diagnosis of PTSD. The following text summarizes the diagnostic criteria: Criterion A (one required): The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, in the following way(s): Direct exposure Witnessing the trauma Learning that a relative or close friend was exposed to a trauma Indirect exposure to aversive details of the trauma, usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, medics) Criterion B (one required): The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced, in the following way(s): Unwanted upsetting memories Nightmares Flashbacks Emotional distress after exposure to traumatic reminders Physical reactivity after exposure to traumatic reminders Criterion C (one required): Avoidance of trauma-related stimuli after the trauma, in the following way(s): Trauma-related thoughts or feelings Trauma-related reminders Criterion D (two required): Negative thoughts or feelings that began or worsened after the trauma, in the following way(s): Inability to recall key features of the trauma Overly negative thoughts and assumptions about oneself or the world Exaggerated blame of self or others for causing the trauma Negative affect Decreased interest in activities Feeling isolated Difficulty experiencing positive affect Criterion E (two required): Trauma-related arousal and reactivity that began or worsened after the trauma, in the following way(s): Irritability or aggression Risky or destructive behavior Hypervigilance Heightened startle reaction Difficulty concentrating Difficulty sleeping Criterion F (required): Symptoms last for more than 1 month. Criterion G (required): Symptoms create distress or functional impairment (e.g., social, occupational). Criterion H (required): Symptoms are not due to medication, substance use, or other illness. Two specifications: Dissociative Specification. In addition to meeting criteria for diagnosis, an individual experiences high levels of either of the following in reaction to trauma-related stimuli: Depersonalization. Experience of being an outside observer of or detached from oneself (e.g., feeling as if "this is not happening to me" or one were in a dream). Derealization. Experience of unreality, distance, or distortion (e.g., "things are not real"). Delayed Specification. Full diagnostic criteria are not met until at least six months after the trauma(s), although onset of symptoms may occur immediately. Note: DSM-5 introduced a preschool subtype of PTSD for children ages six years and younger.
  3. Has anyone here come to realize the moments when you are projecting in a relationship? By Projection, I mean the behavior where you do not accept your own thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings as your own. These "unwanted" feelings or thoughts are dealt with by being projected / placed outside of yourself or attributed to someone else... I've noticed (as a chronically depressed, anxious, highly-sensitive person) that I have a habit of often projecting, and misinterpreting other's behavior as critical, unloving, uncaring, angry and disapproving...when in fact, these are the constant ruminations that I have about MYSELF. This is simply how my brain operates in the world. I'm VERY critical of myself (I often see myself as unlovable, unworthy, lazy, too emotional, disorganized, I never do anything right)... Ex: Someone communicates a neutral statement to me, but I over analyze and read into it emotionally, and start feeling and questioning that the person is angry with me or disapproves of me. Anyone experience this? How do you de-program your automatic projections?
  4. I went into the ER for trying to kill myself and they had a male doctor come in and take all the sticky wire things of me. I had to pull my shirt up. It triggered me because of past sexual trauma and because i am transgender. He was also making a creepy smile while doing it witch is espeically weird because i was literally in the ER for trying to kill myself. Geez, great pediatricin.
  5. I went into the ER for trying to kill myself and they had a male doctor come in and take all the sticky wire things of me. I had to pull my shirt up. It triggered me because of past sexual trauma and because i am transgender. He was also making a creepy smile while doing it witch is espeically weird because i was literally in the ER for trying to kill myself. Geez, great pediatricin.
  6. Hi, the stress in my neck and my shoulders have been absolutely crazy for the last couple weeks. I was able to get into see a friend of mine who does massages. She had been working on my neck and my shoulders and telling me how freaking tight they were and somehow we started talking about a place in my upper back that's a little bit messed up. She asked me what happened and I told her that I had been crushed by a forklift in 1987. I was 25 at the time. I was young, I was in good shape, and it really didn't affect me one way or the other. I didn't feel emotionally or physically hurt. She asked me if I had been to therapy before, and I said sure for my childhood. She said, no I mean about the accident. I told her that I didn't really feel like a trauma had occurred. She said that she thinks my head and neck stuff are all related to the trauma associated with the accident. I'm not sure how to phrase this question, but have you ever had any psych therapy done for something you didn't realize it was a trauma? Did it help? Thanks
  7. Hi, I was questioning if I might have Complex PTSD or Borderline Personality Disorder. I'll start out about my life. I was born sensitive and raised by helicopter parents (In which I am now 22 years old). I had a good, disoriented early childhood, but everytime that I did something wrong, I would get spank, yell, threatened or shouted. My father has ADHD, and dropped out in Grade 7 and My mother has MS, GAD, and Depression, dropped out in Grade 11, (but got her GED 25 years later). My father was nice, and took me out for a drive, but when I did something wrong, I would get yelled, then get a smack bottom, but sometimes I would get a head smack by my father. But his anger was so bad that I ended up detach from my father then I always went with my mother, because she is calm, and nice. Luckily my father went to work everyday while my mother takes care of me and my sister. When I was 2, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (in nowadays, I believed that I was misdiagnosed). At that time, my parents didn't know about it. But now they know it. Sometimes I get spanked by my mother when I did something wrong. However, when I was in daycare, everytime I did something wrong, they would put me into time out and raise their voice, in which I was feeling scared that I am going to be spanked like my parents did, but they didn't, even throughout the years in daycare. But time outs was traumatizing. But one time, when I was 5, they took us to the soccer field, but one time, I must of been acting out inappropriately, and got put into time out into the bench with a daycare worker, holding my hand, and for few minutes, she slightly pinched my hand, close to my thumb. But the daycare workers are nice, but due to being a highly sensitive person, when I was put into time out for being naughty, Sometimes I was feeling hyper vigilant that I am scared that they would spank me. I remembered that when I was 4, they took the children to the Shopping Mall, and one kid from daycare bought a piece of paper towel, then I was like, I might do the same thing, then when they went to another store, I was in the shopping cart and as they go idle to idle, I quickly snatched a bag of smarties, then they laugh, when they got out of the store, they took the bag of smarties away in which It traumatized me (in which I developed kleptophobia and worsen anxiety later in life.). When I was being babysat by a teenager, sometimes I would be put into timeouts if i did something wrong, in which I had a same feeling as I was in daycare that I am scared that I would be spanked. But he is a nice person by the way. In which I remembered after acting out in store, they took me back to his house and put me into time out right afterwards, then they let me go then two hours later, I was put into time out again. When I was 6, I started Kindergarten, my biggest fear is getting disciplined by teachers and headmaster because I don't want to hear their raised voice in which it would result another psychological injury. But by the age of 7, I was sent to the headmaster's office few times. One time, that I remembered is that I refused to go outside in which I got forced to go outside, then after the bell rang, I was sent to his office and I was crying as he was raising his voice, I refused to look at his eye, resulting an avoidance of looking at him. When I was 7, I witnessed my brother was having an accident in his undergarment, in which I witnessed that my mother told him that if he doesn't use the toilet, he would be put back in nappies, in which she showed the nappy to him and It traumatized me, in which at the same day, my emotions and my brain couldn't take it anymore. The next day, I was watching a VHS tape, showing a woman discipling at them, in which I developed intrusive memories while daydreaming, that I'm scared that the woman on TV would put a nappy on me, even people in real life discipling at me, I had intrusive thoughts. *You may seem like a typical childhood, but in my own perception, I was hurt. Over the next few months, I developed OCD-Like symptoms, but while having rituals, I was having distressing images in my head that is related to the trauma. After few years that intrusive thoughts about being put in nappies for misbehaving had disappeared. Even I had an intrusive thoughts on having a wrong character on a wrong TV Show and scared that the main character would get mad at me. It haunted me in which It disappeared by the age of 14. Throughout my late childhood years, My father continued to use corporal punishments, but he finally stopped at the age of 13, At the time, I was making a cuckoo noise at my brother and my father got snapped in which he smacked me in the head and yelled at me, resulting myself crying. but still threatened me with spanking. I used to cry almost everyday in elementary school. Few times, my mother would tell me if I kept crying in school, she would treat me like a baby and put in nappies in which it resulted me having a mild flashback. My mentally ill cousin used to wrestle me when I was 4, in which he covered me to suffocate for few seconds, in which it happened almost few times, but it was so bad that when I was 9, he got involved with the police telling him to stop. Then he switched from wrestling to time outs for no reasons, from the age of 9 to 13, he would put me into time outs for few minutes, sometimes he would keep going and would torture me emotionally and psychologically. When I was 12, I was going to get my telescope that it was close to the staircase, and as I attempted to grab it, it fell downstairs and off from the empty railings and fell into his son in which I was an accident and was put into time out. When I was 13, every time my mother is gone, I would do something that I did not do, and he would put me into time out for no reasons, in which I was sent to the room, and the door has a lock, and I was scared that he would lock me and leave me to starve. One time, he took out a case and took out a razor blade, telling me that he would cut my tongue out, etc (due to dissociation that I could not remember the rest of my traumatic memory). He called me a pussy once, he tortured me by making a noise (in which I had Misophonia) that sets me off into a rage (in which by grade 6, one student spread gossips that I don't like certain noise and they all picked at me, I told my vice principal and got after them twice, but throughout the years, they were picking at me, (not just noise, other things that upsets me) I ended up defending against them with attempted violence and cussing and I got into trouble and told me that I was lying (due to lack of knowledge of Misophonia)), and he made me to do push-ups and told me that my mother is gone forever. Thankfully, my mother had enough and hauled me, my brother and my sister out of his place and went to my grandparent's house, I continue having intrusive thoughts and distressing memories of the trauma for 2 years including flashbacks, I had nightmares few times. My cousin began to take drugs, got drunk and destroyed few walls at my Grandmother's house where I was psychologically and emotionally abused, in which he got kicked out by my mother and went with his girlfriend, broke up few times, then when I was 18, I told him to get out (due to trauma), and by 19, he came to my house By Grade 10, i was sent to the learning center (special education) in which I don't belong to that my IPP English Teacher found out that I was at the Learning Center (usually at lunch), but in the first day, I was on the computer with the Assistance standing back against me, in which it was hard on me, then I left the place and went to the desk crying, then the Assistance sat down next to me and touched me with her finger onto my sides of my abdomen, in which I believed that she was treating me like a baby. I went to their outings and it went well until one day, they took us to eat, and I thought I was going to have a big meal until I found out that they are ordering from the Children's Menu (due to the result of the childhood trauma, I grew up too fast and stopped playing toys at 11.) I attempted to refused to eat the children's menu, and after that incident, I chose not to go with them ever again. One of the fellow with moderate autism was making a noise that triggered my Misophonia, i told him to stop, and the Assistant told me that he's allowed to do it. Few weeks later, my IPP English teacher told me that I don't belong to that Learning Center. Then I finally rebelled against the Assistances at the Learning Center, by telling that I am going out to the Cafeteria, because I was left out from my old friends, and they said, "NO, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO OUT TO THE CAFETERIA!" and I was crying so bad and told them "I DON'T BELONG IN THERE!" after a hour of rebelling, they told my IPP English teacher and she told them that I do not belong to that Learning Center in which I won the fight and told me that I will be out in one week. One week later, I was finally set free! (a happy ending for that part) But however I was doing my dance project, and my assistance took me into the Learning Center to do it rather than their classroom in which I rebelled for once again. But by Grade 11 (17-18 years old), they finally shut up. But I began to rebel against my mother due to my undiagnosed CPTSD (in which the intrusive thoughts and distressing images has morphed into a full-blown PTSD Symptoms), and every word that she said has traumatized me and made my condition worse. They even threatened me to turn around and go home instead of my friend's house, she mistreated me once by treating me like a 5 year old child. And also threatened me to take my stuff back. In which it resulted me of having violent flashbacks from it. I began to fantasize revenge via violence against the perpetrator while having a flashback including causing me to scream my lungs out of anger in which the flashbacks went away). My parents was separated for few months. I was happy about it, but however when they are arguing, it increases my hyper vigilance that I am scared that my father would go upstairs and break my stuff, due to his violent anger issues resulting from dropping out from Secondary School and his ADHD. But thank goodness that I did not have a flashbacks but intrusive thoughts. But one week before christmas, my father went in her house with his baseball bat, went upstairs and start breaking the railings in which I thought that he was killing my mother and I thought that he said, DIE! DIE! DIE! but it didn't and I left the house for my safety and I was shaking. I went back in the house and went upstairs to my bedroom and crouched myself in a fetal position, fearing for my own safety, but a hour later, my father was calm and watched TV with my mother. (In which it resulted in having violent flashbacks and revenge fantasies) Few months later, my mother told me to stay with my father every weekend and I rebelled against her because of the past of what he has done to me. But I did spent a weekend but I did not talk to him of that much by staying in the basement for the rest of the weekend. But one day, my father told me that I am going to spend few nights resulting in a full-range rebellion. He took me to the barbershop as I was letting my hair grow long. And shaved it off in which I told my father that I am going to reshaving it off because I don't want to be like him. I rebelled at him many times and I have a thoughts of running away from him because I don't want to be with him and for my own safety. I did researched at school about how to run away from them. But I did not run away due to anxiety. That incident by staying with my father has resulted of having flashbacks and revenge fantasies. After I finally went back to my mother, It took me 2 weeks before I finally re-shaved my head. (Happy Ending) I couldn't handle with her arguments (mostly in the car) and it made my symptoms worse. Few months prior to Graduation, I was having an anxiety attack while riding a bike, then when I got off from the bike at the park, I was feeling dizzy and about to pass out, I drank a bottle of water. I went to the park and sat down on the bench to stop the dizziness, then I told the strangers the story about what happened and told them that I was drinking (in which I forgot to say water), resulting them to think I am suspicious of being drunk, then I sat onto another bench and start singing next to the lady and she left the seat causing anxiety, then I told them about my favorite singer then I sat on the empty bench, then all of the sudden, the police came and told me to get up as they want to talk to me, even though I had no friends at that time, and I told them, "There's something wrong?" and they said, "You were drinking, picking up children and crazy talking" so I told the Police that I wasn't drinking alcohol but the water bottle and I did gave them evidence with my water bottle, then he smelt it and he was like, ok. Then I told them that I wasn't picking on children or even touch them and I told them that I wasn't doing crazy talking. Then I asked him a question, "Are you going to taser me or arrest me" and they said, no, then he asked me why am I in this park, then I told them that I have no friends, then they redirected me to a center to find friends in my age, but I refused to go there due to anxiety. Then I told them, Am I going to be on the Criminal Record? and they told me, "No, everything is cleared" then they left. I was upset and having anxiety attack, in which I went home and told my mother on the phone and she almost going to tell the police, about it, but I told her no, do not call them, because it would make it worse. (Due to fear of being traumatized even more). I spoke to my then-girlfriend on the phone about it. Then the next day, she told me that I am in the Criminal Record but her uncle is a police officer, so he saw it and called the main headquarters and told them about it and they cleared my Criminal Record because it was a false accusation. But I disbelieved her. It resulted in increase of hyper vigilance level, Intrusive thoughts and memory, worsening anxiety, locked myself in my bedroom for few weeks and refuse to leave the house for 2 months, due to fear of police officers that I am scared that they would tell me to go home, also developed Social Anxiety as a long-term consequences. Over a month and the half, they announced that they would check our pockets before going to safe grad party, in which I was anxious that they would reject me due to the incident, but it got eased right after the security check and went to the safe grad party. (But almost 4 years later, My counselor brought me in to speak with the police officer to overcome the fear, and he clarified that I am not on the Criminal Record and explained the process of how it works, in which my anxiety levels dropped, but only 15%). After Graduation, I returned as an undergrad, I had an assistance for a month, before the resource teacher told me that I do not need her anymore, and I celebrated. But the worst part is that I got picked on by other people and told the principal on them, but It was hard to described due to pieces of the memory of the traumatic event. After a month of suffering, They denied that I was picked on and my mother told me that I was lying due to lack of evidence. (resulted in worsening of trauma symptoms) Since growing up I cannot go outside of the neighborhood without a friend, and I began to rebel against her, and I managed to seek counseling and I told her every story that my mother was overprotective. Also I dragged her to her office twice then she tone it down. It took me a year before she finally set me free. Resulting in a huge Facebook party. (But before she set me free, it resulted in worsening trauma symptoms). I began to hide my negative stories to people because I feared that they would tell on her and she would go against me and telling me that I was lying but I was telling the truth. This happens a year before the denial of me being bullied, I told a stranger about what happened, even in the past, then she called her, and I got into trouble and threatened to ground me as I was lying but I was telling the truth in which I was unaware that she was gas lighting me. When arguing in the car, she often puts me down, calls me a spoiled brat, and she threatens me to put into a group home in which I ended up threatening her with suicide, but I don't attempt it, I used that when I am angry and just to leave me alone. I take Klonopin for my Anxiety and she told me that the meds are not working. (In which It resulting in having violent flashbacks, intrusive memories and thoughts and revenge fantasies in which it never went way, especially certain lyrics triggered my flashback.) And last year, I finally spit it out by telling her that I don't like her, due to her obnoxious behavior. In which it resulted into a huge hurtful arguments and worsened my symptoms. As of the result of her, I ended up packing my bags and stay with my sister who is very nice to me and quiet. I helped her a lot and I believed that it was a very happy family. I cut-off contact with my mother for 4 months except for few visitations. Every time that I came to her house, she begs me to come home, but I refused. I blocked her from my phone and I had a happy life, but I went to college at the same year, due to having undiagnosed CPTSD Symptoms, I ended up missing few days from school, being late for class, and almost had a poor performance due to suffering from trauma. Thankfully, my instructor referred me to see the counselor and I told her every stories that I had in my life. And I still see her as of now where she referred me to see the psychiatrist to get a diagnosis as I suspected that I am suffering from Complex PTSD, she invited to her cooking class and workshop sessions. Every time that I told her, she told me that I misunderstood from the past, and sometimes lying, but I was telling the truth, even in the car when she argues at me, she told me that I was misunderstanding in which I was so upset and I questioned that if I have Dissociation Symptoms or she was gas lighting me, so I chose to believe that she was gas lighting. After being set free from my mother, I was in fear, having hyper vigilance episode, and sometimes if I wear certain clothes including a Military trousers and combat boots in public, I became hyper vigilant and I was scared that the police will come, or entering to the building, I feared of what people might think of me based on my looks and behavior and scared that they would report to me (she told me that it's a sign of social anxiety even though I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder). After the stage fright 2 months ago, I took a bus home, I told the stranger that I was having a stage fright due to strained tenor notes (i do very well in practice), but the man told me to sing in my normal voice (in which I had a flashback of when I was trying to imitate other singer's voice, my mother forced me to sing in my own voice, and also forced to wear what she want me to wear before I gained my freedom in appearance and my own decision.) and I told him that I have a good knowledge of how singing works, but he has a lack of knowledge of how singing works (chest, mixed, and head voice) and I think he called me an a**hole, and I told him that I have PTSD and he told me to smoke pot, in which it resulted in a flashbacks, revenge fantasies and having intrusive thoughts and memories. I had a revenge fantasies during flashbacks that I could push him out from the bus and call him a r*tard. I still have the flashbacks as of now. Due to being bullied, I was growing my hair long, and they called me "Sissyface" and it was so bad that I shaved my head off and wore sunglasses. But the happy ending is that I disappeared from public and went to another town to spend the rest of the summer in which it turned out a good one, then I changed my appearance drastically, then no one including the bullies have noticed me at all in which, it was a happy ending. If I have traumatic bad days, I would go to my bedroom and have a nap for 2 hours, then I wake up and pretend that It is a new day. In which I begin to cry hysterically that I love that day better than the last one. After all of these years that I been through, I have thousands of Mental Scars in my brain. I still have flashbacks, hyper vigilance, distressing memories, intrusive thoughts and memories, violent revenge fantasies, severe anxiety, multiple phobias, excessive seeking help, impulsivity (shaving my head to the skin everyday, always on the go and excessive spending sprees), avoidance behavior if hyper vigilance is worsening, avoiding triggers, bits of pieces of memory of the traumatic event, maladaptive daydreaming, excessive crying (after a flashback is over), mild dissociation, mind wandering, fear that I am re-experiencing trauma, blank stare (when being traumatized) social isolation, growing up too fast, and thoughts of running away. I only get mild nightmares related to the trauma, once in a while, but mostly 95% of the time, I have good dreams, (i use it to escape from trauma). I tend to get traumatized more easily when something is bad. When I get yelled at, raising their voice, being criticized, and disciplined, It triggers flashbacks and undiagnosed Complex PTSD attacks causing re-traumatization and psychological shock that could lead to having a future flashback, distressing memories, revenge fantasies, intrusive thoughts and memories of the recent traumatic event, but when telling the counselor, I cannot remember some parts of the trauma. The only symptoms that I don't have is, Self-harming, Nightmares and difficulty sleeping (except If I was having a flashback, in which it lasts from 1 to 3 hours then crying for an extra 1 hour after a flashback) I wear sunglasses to hide myself from the public and to ease anxiety attacks in which without wearing it, I could become dizzy, even can lead to panic attacks and I could possibly faint (due to suffering from an anxiety disorder). Sometimes, I would write a brutal lyrics on Facebook based on my trauma. Would you tell me if i am suffering from an undiagnosed Borderline or Complex PTSD?
  8. I have a friend who suffers from horrible flashbacks and I have a question regarding flashbacks. We know the types of experiences flashbacks can bring back such as certain smells, sounds, and emotions. But are there certain types of experiences that cannot be brought back during a flashback such as feeling hungry, tired, thirsty, etc.? The most important question I have here is, would that also include the completely altered and strange horrible mental states we experience in our dreams and nightmares? These types of altered mental states during dreams and nightmares cannot be described. They are entirely new experiences unlike any other. They are not experiences like touch, smell, feelings, etc. They are completely altered mental states. So can those altered mental states be brought back and experienced during your waking life during a flashback or not?
  9. Long story short, I only recently realized what I experienced as a child was abuse. I have not been diagnosed with PTSD but have been told I am suffering from the trauma caused by this abuse. This realization, along with recent actions by this person, have caused me to relive this trauma, and I am broken. I've recently gotten some distance from my abuser, but not much. They happen to be a family member and the rest of my family doesn't want to cut them out. Which is their right, but makes it impossible to get away. Every time I hear this person's name, or any detail that makes me think of them, I get a panic attack and feel sick and I can't stop crying. I can't get this person out of my life. I live at home, have no job, no money, (at least not enough to get me somewhere else) and no options. I am trying to find a new tdoc, which is very difficult, but even if I found the right person tomorrow, there are years of therapy ahead. I don't know how to hold on in the meantime. It is only a matter of time before this person will re-enter my life in a much bigger way, and I have no control over that. I see no light, I am angry with the concept of hope, I just want to run. But I have nowhere to go, no friends either. It's just that this is killing me, I feel like I'm dying inside. I don't know what to do. I will see my pdoc this week, but I'm not optimistic. Thanks for reading. anemone
  10. Though I came up surrounded by close family members who struggled with various mental illnesses, I wouldn't say I had an especially traumatic or even a really remarkable childhood, apart from the sporadic, sometimes episodic fireworks Crazy can bring. On the whole I had a pretty typical middle class upbringing, for which I am grateful. My older sister served as my introduction to the mysteries and miseries of mental illness. She suffered from Bipolar Disorder, and it was clear my parents despaired at her condition. There was much acting out, at least one suicide attempt that I am aware of, multiple stays at inpatient facilities, and an ever-changing cocktail of medications throughout her teens. She tapered off meds when she planned to start a family, and has done amazingly well without them. My younger sister struggles with panic disorder and more physical ailments than anyone her young age ought to be saddled with. My mother was a survivor of child abuse, and subsequent to the passing of her father when I was about 12, she suffered a series of psychotic breaks that led to the first of several inpatient hospitalizations, and a lifetime of profound treatment resistant MDD that continues to this day. Not only did she not perpetuate the cycle of abuse she suffered but I never even knew what she'd been through until I was much older. My father never (to my knowledge) sought treatment for any mental illness, and tended towards stoicism and emotional opaqueness. I suspect however that he suffered (or even suffers still) from depression -- at the very least. HIs siblings suffered from myriad mental maladies. His upbringing was somewhat of a mystery to me, as what remained of his immediate family were separated by geography. I believe he too was a survivor of child abuse, based on what I've gleaned from anecdotes. My older brother was a bit of a black sheep, and when youthful indiscretions of the self-medicating type became too much for my well-meaning folks to handle he was given an ultimatum and joined the armed services. He was stationed in South Korea, and I gather his self-medicating ways came along for the ride. Upon returning stateside he had a hard time reintegrating, finding stable work, and had to rely on the support of his family more than I think he would have liked. He was a very emotional person, and felt things very deeply. I imagine if I would have asked him for one word to describe himself he might have chosen "failure". That's certainly not how I would have described him, but he was the type of person for whom every setback might have seemed like the universe pointing a spindly celestial finger at the tip of his nose and proclaiming FUCK. YOU. By the time my brother killed himself with the sputtering exhaust of the sparkly brown hatchback my mother had given him, I was living my own kind of Crazy. Today, I find myself at a strange cross roads. I am happily married. Successful, especially considering I never finished college. I have more than my fair share of material possessions. I have family and friends whom I love, and who love me. As much as I curse those who use the phrase, I'm Blessed. And yet, I can't recall a time I felt more lost. You see, growing up as an insatiably curious child in a household surrounded by Crazy, and where both parents worked in the medical field. So I didn't just *live* with Crazy, I, in a sense, *studied* it. Psychology. Anatomy. Psychiatry. Biology. Pharmacology. And most especially *Psychopharmacology*. I was never under the illusion that reading medical texts would make me a doctor any more than reading cookbooks would make me a chef. But I found, and still find the subject phenomenally interesting. In the late 80's and early 90's before webforums, TV drug adverts, wikipedia, etc., it seemed physicians expected laypeople to know almost nothing about medicine, so much so, that if you knew even a little, and went in with talking points memorized, you were going to leave with whatever it was you came for (within reason). Maybe it's always been that way. But I certainly felt clever, and in retrospect maybe a part of the burgeoning vanguard that changed how pharmaceuticals are consumed. Modern medicine is so unabashedly, brazenly consumer driven, I doubt any clinician bats an eye when patients come in and know exactly what their diagnosis is, the name brand and dosage of the drug they want, and oh by the way I've already printed off my own coupon that makes my copay 3 dollars until the drug goes off patent in 2030. But back to my personal tale of medico-consumerism. 22 years ago, at about 14 years of age, I self-diagnosed myself with depression. PART II To Follow Later
  11. <<<<<<<TRIGGER WARNING>>>>>>>>>Last friday ( Nov 14th) the house right next to mine burned down, nearly costing me my own house,pets and belongiings I was sittting on the couch doing my word finds which i ussually do to unwind when I heard this very loud BANG! that shook my house, saw smoke and heard my neighbor yelling GET OUT! YOU HAVE TO GET OUT!!! NOW! I saw flames shooting out of the windows and door of the house close to mine ( which was 10 feet away) and All I could think of was if I am gonna loose it all F**** it and let ME burn up too then. Then nighbors had been using like 7 space heaters at once becuz they refused to pay the gas bill ( using their money for not so great things but you know...). So they overloaded the fuses in the 100+ house. All I recall is myself being DRAGGED out of my own home by a cop becuz i was refusing to leave.. I wanted to just be left the F alone. I can't recall every specific detail and it still makes me very angry to discuss it so I will just post about my recent personality changes. I have become very hateful, Mistrusting and not wanting anyone near me lately. yet at the same time EVERYTHING scares me... even the broken windows my house has. I actually HATE my home now. being here makes me vomit. All i can see outside is the burned debris of what once was the nieghbors house ( never mind the fact these were not good people. I used to babysit their kid). This person turned on me and MY family and even blamed us for the fire. Then she lately emailed me and said " since I lost everything, your house should be next". I did contact the police and filed an order for protection but now i dont know who I can trust anymore.. people come up to me and my family and sneer at us or treat us like scum. it's hard to have sympathy for someone who caused their own plight and were chronic lawbreakers. I feel for their kids but I can't find any pity for the adults since the fire was their fault and they endangered others as well. All I feel is HATE and wanting to smash someone in the face. SURE things COULD have been worse for my family... but the trauma is there and I no longer feel secure.. like ANYTHING could ignite my home. I am also tired of others telling us " well you guys didn't loose anything.. you only have some damage to your home". I have gotten to the point where if someone comes up to me and mentions the fire.. asks questions. I snap and say LEAVE ME THE F ALONE! the other day some woman came up to my mother and handed her a 20$ bill and I snapped and told her I didn't need her pity. We still have to see the debris outside.. plus freeze becuz of busted windows. The broken windows themselves are a major trigger for me since I have a phobia of broken/crakced windows stemming from a childhood trauma. WHEN WILL THE TRUAMAS END?????
  12. Dear Friends, I have to go to court on Tuesday and will probably come face to face with a person that traumatized me. Haven't seen this person in over 15 years. I am worried that this will be a trigger. I have spoken to my pdoc and was given some Valium, but I'm wondering if there are any techniques that you can suggest to help me. I particularly need help dealing with the time between now and Tuesday. This is difficult to me and I appreciate anything you guys can teach me. Thanks.
  13. I am beginning to go to a trauma therapist and she practices this. So i looked it up on youtube.. to see how the session would look. EMDR I was wondering what was your experience? i am a bit doubtful, i hope this doesn't offend anyone, but it looks like hypnotherapy...is it a form? Do you feel it actually helped? How long did it take before you noticed a huge change? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpRQvcW2kUM Somatic Experience I would just like to know how the therapy session goes with this... what is the actual process? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByalBx85iC8 I appreciate anything you can share and you responding to this post. I posted this in this part of the forum because it's mostly used for PTSD. I am scared that once i tell my past to this therapist that she will just call me a big drama queen in nicer words lol. Anyway!! Thanx!
  14. Hey All. I just went out last night for the 2nd time with a guy I am interested in, and I am worried that he didn't kiss me or make really any moves despite him seeming interested and my best efforts to show interest. For starters, I have a hard time with being insecure in the first parts of any "relationship" or "dating" situation-- for all I know, it wasn't even a "date" at all. I feel pathetic because I'm 30 years old and don't "understand" how to date. I have been in two long term relationships (5 years and 4 years, respectively) since age 16, and for any of my other shorter dating experiences, all of the first kisses have sadly occurred while we were both extremely drunk so it just "happened" (even with the long-term guys) without any tension, anxiety, or forethought. The one exception to this is the last guy I dated about two years ago (who was supposedly "in recovery", hence the not drinking, but he also lies about everything and stole my benzos, so I can't trust anything about that situation). He was a very assertive, charismatic person that had no problem knowing exactly the "right" moves to make at the "right" now, moved very quickly, and in essence was a sociopathic "player" that ended up being emotionally abusive and highly unpredictable with regard to affection, attention, contact, etc. (Sorry to throw around clinical terms, but that ex and I are both therapists, and he even self-described himself, I thought jokingly at first, as being a "sociopath.") That was my last relationship, and so I am especially sensitive to rejection and not knowing the "rules" of a new situation. (Yeah, I know there aren't really "rules," but I wish there were because I wouldn't be so confused and anxious.) I thought I was over having abusive relationships, but that last one snuck up on me (yeah, I've been working on it in therapy for a long time, but trying to date in general is bringing a whole new element to my insecurity.) So this guy, I had originally met him at my new job I started 6 mos ago, and he had just given his notice and now works elsewhere, so we worked together for about 3.5 weeks weeks total. We re-connected on FB (my initiation), starting talking more and more, and decided to hang out. First time was just a casual day thing (hiking, in which he brought his dog), so its understandable no kissing happened then, though we did hug. He ended up following up that "date"/hang-out session with a text (2 hours later) referencing something we said while hanging out, which led to a 1.5 hour text convo. We went out yesterday, late afternoon into evening (bowling-- we didn't want to stop, intended to play just like 2 games but played 6 or 7 due to having too much fun), then dinner-- he had found a veg restaurant, which I thought was nice b/c I'm vegetarian and I'm surprised he remembered that.) He paid for everything (except I bought the second beers at the bowling alley-- we both only had 2 that whole night, which is good), despite me offering to pay for half or different portions (like he paid for bowling, so I tried to pay for dinner. When I tried to pay for dinner, he said, something like, "No, I got this, you can get it next time...well if..." and then changed the subject. Through gestures, body language, flirting, etc, I tried my best to convey interest throughout the night. We never ran out of anything to talk about, but I was a little quieter in the car ride home because I was nervous about the possibility of kissing, but we still kept the convo going. Then he dropped me off, and it felt weird and awkward, at least on my end-- I thought he would at least hug me like last night, and he didn't. Didn't try to kiss me or anything. Granted, I also just grabbed my stuff and said goodnight and didn't linger long enough, but I didn't want to seem desperate or overeager or create anything awkward, like him thinking, "come on woman, why aren't you getting out?" We did have some physical contact earlier in the evening, mainly lots of "high fives" during bowling (but the "high fiving" and the one hug was the only contact). Just so he wouldn't think I WASN'T interested, I followed up with a text about 30 min after he dropped me just thanking him, saying I had a great time, hope he got home safe. We exchanged a few texts in which he said the same thing and we commiserated about having "bowling finger," etc. I feel like he seems interested, but maybe I am deluding myself too. (Or conversely, trying to convince myself he's NOT interested so I don't get hurt). He calls when he says he will, conversations on the phone are getting longer, we never run out of anything to say, our topics are appropriate (not too intense but also showing increasing self-disclosure), we laugh a lot, he sends me funny you-tube videos, we text during the week at work, he introduced me to his dog which I have heard can be a "good sign," etc). But I don't GET IT-- why didn't he make any moves? He also didn't mention doing it again, like he did after the first time we hung out (except the reference to me paying next time, which he cut off mid-sentence). But seriously, I cried a little bit last night after he dropped me out-- not because I'm so desperate for him to kiss me specifically, but because I felt rejected, insecure, embarassed that I misread signals, ashamed, frustrated about having to go through this uncertainty of trying to date someone all over again. Ugh, so I guess my question is, if a guy doesn't kiss you after two dates/hang-outs, does that mean they're not interested. Secondly, how do I cope with this constant roller coaster of feeling rejected and ashamed after I perceive disinterest (on a day to day basis, not just by dealing with it in therapy, which I do)? When I'm with him, I am able to be completely mindful and in the moment (so I don't think he can tell my level of insecurity in part because I'm simply not even feeling it then), but then later on, I am a mess.
  15. Well. My name is Louise. I'm 17 on the 19th of April. Don't know how to do this. I'm autistic. I hear shit, but they call it schizoaffective disorder. I have a bad anxiety disorder and crappy depression. I'm almost blind, almost deaf, my scoliosis is near crippling, and I used to be a victim of severe bullying... How are you today? I don't know what else to say. I have ADHD? Adopted young, but still fucked in the head....
  16. hammock


    I painted this around the same time as the "compliance" painting. In my bad moments I felt this way- a dark, claustrophobic space, in which mortality disassembles the person's mind, while doctor's arms (foreground, right and left) hold the person down, forcing them to participate. I often wonder about my ability to consent to and participate in my treatment. There are times when my illness wants to LIVE, and fights back, making me think that the medication or doctors are malignant, are forcing my compliance, are controlling or changing me against my will. I think this ambivalence about treatment is pretty common, the more I read the more I think I am not alone in having these moments. I am glad to be getting treatment, and I don't always feel this way (see my other painting for the opposite idea) but it definitely does hit me in my low moments.

    © @resonanteye

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