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I've been off my meds for about a month now as I never can remember to take them. Last night my fiance and I got into an argument while I was making dinner and it got really bad. He's Bipolar and not on meds right now, but he usually manages it pretty well (he has BP2). He's been super maniac the last few days (full moon, anyone?) and with our current situation at home which includes a lot of variables that have contributed, he's also been extremely cranky. I hate when he yells at me, I want to mention he has NEVER, EVER threatened to put a hand on me, but growing up my parents did a little uh, mental abuse here and there about me being "Crazy". And it usually ended in me in my room, bawling. I began crying because he had been yelling, and wouldn't back off and give me space. Me, being my overdramatic self TW: pulled a knife on him. A FUCKING KNIFE I'd never hurt him. Ever. I want to put that out there. Unless he hurt me. Like actually, physically put his hands on me. I have a friend who lives a couple blocks away, and I called him to come over and diffuse the situation. He gave me the good ol cop talk of "I can arrest you for that, don't do it again", sitch. And he mediated between us both. I also know that if he felt like my fiance was in danger, he'd have me arrested or do it himself. My fiance even said he doesn't feel unsafe and part of me doesn't get why..... I put the knife down in the kitchen and was crying so hard because that is not like me at all. (This was before he came over. I had literally no intentions of using it, but I am so fucking overdramatic it's unreal.) I'm now in a constant state of worry that my fiance's mental health is worse because of me. He's had abusive exes in his past and I vowed to never be one. He has PTSD from being abused as a kid, too. So he's really screwed A lot of this post is me "venting" or getting things off my chest. I'm going to try to do better with my meds. To add insult to injury, my therapist moved away a few months ago and never told me. Not a word, so I have a new appt with a new one in my psych office this week...and I'm worried about unloading this onto her. I'm worried about a new therapist in general. I don't like new things. The entire situation, thinking about it, makes me sick to my stomach.....I...don't know how else to feel.....

I haven't self injured in around 3 years. Traditionally, I would cut myself. In the event that someone took my tool or I didn't have it for whatever reason, I would take to burning. But things in my life have changed and I cannot risk anyone finding visable scars or burns. But I'm getting SI urges from hell. To try and get my mind off it, I started exercising. But after the first few days, I over did it by accident and was sore. Like really sore. Now, Im finding that when the urge hits, I end up seriously overworking myself to the point I nearly pass out And/or vomit. The only reason I am being as descriptive as I am, Idk if this is even really a form of SI? Or just a really good alternative? I've never heard of anyone else hurting themself this way before, so I'm kinda unsure. I guess on the plus side, I've lost a few lbs past 6 weeks haha

So I’ve recently had my heart broken by someone I thougth was the love of my life. The way he ended the relationship was disrespectful, disregarding our years together and just overal shattered my heart into a million pieces. The first two weeks I was going on fine, I kept myself busy, I was barely home and I didn’t give myself the time to even think about it. It has been in the last week that it has really hit me. How much I invested into the relationship, only to find out that I was the only one. How much love I still have and have had for this man, only to find out that he didn’t feel the same. How many years I’ve spent building something together, memories, a life, only to be all taken away in a second. I think what hurts the most, is the when I realized how easily he ended things. Withouth remorse, without so much as a blink of an eye. That really made me realize how little I ment to him. And that’s what hurts the most. Someone being your whole world, and you not being even a speck of theirs. How could I not see it all along? My friend told me, that it’s because I really did and still do love him. I couldn’t see that he was not as invested as I was. She didn’t see it either. How do you guys deal with heartbreak? I haven’t been able to eat, sleep or think straight since it happend. And the urges of a relapse are really really strong. I’ve already relapsed in my eating, I don’t want to do it in SI too. What is something that helped you through a rough breakup? When you feel really worthless, unimportant and just broken?

They told me my epival levels were low, and then the entities stopped moving my body towards the edge of the platform when the nurse practitioner gave me a pill doser.... I probably never updated that much. How can I find a proper way to kill myself? If I kill myself, then I wake up somewhere else. If I die by any other means, even if they use force to make me kill myself, then I am erased. I greatly apologize if this is inappropriate, lately I'm deemed as such everywhere. I''ve tried overdosing many a time, and I've been in and out of IP for almost 10 years (give or take). I just want to be in control of my death. The other option is really painful. From binging and purging my oesophagus is starting to tear because there is blood when I vomit. But it's OK because I'm an obese blob. I just want to die.

I burn my legs alot on top of my thigh to make sure no one will look there at it. I thought I was done hurting myself but then I started again it has been almost years that I don't hurt myself. I can't do anything right at all.I rarely have time to smile most of the times. I can be a emotional rollercoaster. My mental disorders are such tough time time to deal with. I have schoziaffective disorder and other troubles. I can't stop doing it. I am hurting badly but oh well like anyone would care and to write a letter on this messenge. Not that anyone would care.

Hi ! I don't know if this topic is in the right forum so tell me if I should put it somewhere else. On Friday 30, around 10:20pm, I overdosed on 700mg of Seroquel, and I was wondering if it was really dangerous. (I'm 5'2" and I weight 115lbs.) The first thing I noticed was my whole body shaking, then I felt high and cut myself in front of a friend while laughing. And like 1h/2h after I felt exhausted. My best friend doesn't think it was that dangerous because doctors can prescribe 800mg... P.S : I did it on an impulse, I didn't want to die.

Trigger warning just in case so i'm 33 and I've always wondered in the back of my mind if alcohol is a problem I know I abuse alcohol but when does it come to a point where you seek help alcohol has been in my life for a very long time we have video tape of me at around age 2 saying my abc's and getting sips off my parents beer I have always taken sips of my parents beer as a child small guzzles - I liked the taste my parents took me out for my 19th birthday and told all the bartenders it was my 21st and got me really drunk to teach me what it felt like when I was 21 I would drink a ton -- which I think is normal in college then I went through a trauma and the next summer I was drinking every day and while at work and skipping classes to chug vodka and powerade I came home from college and stopped that no problem I would then only drink mostly on the weekends or whenever my parents were drinking I know no limit with alcohol -- sometimes I have one or two and stop sometimes I drink until I cannot drink anymore in my 30s the alcohol use really picked up for a while I was going to the bar every night and spending every penny I had to drink - then eventually I started (shamefully) stealing from my parents business to fund my alcohol I ended up having 3 seizures from mixing my meds with alcohol I cut way back on drinking going weeks or months with just a few drinks fast forward to now I find myself slipping back into old patterns when i'mm lonely of drinking until I can't drink anymore - 2 weeks ago I drank 18 lite beers then a couple nights later I drank 15 I don't know if I want to give up alcohol as I feel it is the only thing that I have in common and makes me comfortable around my family I don't know if I even have a problem I've never gotten a hangover am I just blowing this out of proportion or do I need help and if I do need help what do you suggest

so last Tuesday I overdosed in an attempt to end my life, obviously I failed - not sure how I feel about that but I can't stop thinking about what I could have done differently to have made it more successful - so that the next time I get it right I've been obsessing over this all day

I need help with something I'm struggling to understand. I used to be friends with this kid who I'm going to refer to as X and had to get a restraining order against him about a year and a half ago because he was homicidal and describing very graphic things he wanted to do to people and he said he was afraid he would accidentally hurt me. I talked to him for the first time since the restraining order. It was through our school that we talked (because the school has been involved in this since the beginning) and X told me that he has since been diagnosed with Intrusive Thought OCD and I don't believe that his OCD is how he got homicidal thoughts. When I first got the restraining order I looked up all kinds of stuff about homicidal ideation and things and came across Harm OCD. All of the sites that I looked at explained that in Harm OCD, people have these thoughts and can't control and rarely ever actually want to do these things or act on them. They tend to express a lot of fear around these thoughts too. The only time X expressed fear was when he said he was afraid he might accidentally hurt/kill me. All the others times he would describe to me in graphic detail what he wanted to do to people and he was super nonchalant about it. He even laughed about it. X also told me that he always just says what he needs to say to get by, so when he doesn't want to be in a situation he makes stuff up or goes with what he thinks is the best answer, regardless of what he's actually feeling. He also likes to play the victim in things. I'm confused and need help understanding this. Please help. I'm scared at school because I don't know if he's going to hurt me or someone else. Thank you.

I've been avoiding this site like the plague for a while. I think. I frankly haven't worked up the courage to check my profile yet, to see when I was last here or what i wrote. But tonight I really need someone to sort of... acknowledge my words? Too know that i have communicated these thoughts to another person and that it wasn't scary. I've been telling myself that I'm faking everything related to metal illness. I've been like an opposite Sherlock Holmes piecing together terrible explanations out of the tiniest things to prove to myself i have been an attention seeking liar all along. (Seeing how this has been during months of isolating myself, I'm almost impressed by how convinced i am that I'm seeking attention!) _____//talk of suicidal stuff!!//________ Two months ago the was a snow storm and i had to travel somewhere by bus. I just gave up, sitting on a bench, wearing just a thin jacket over my clothes, and stayed there for about two hours. At some point in the middle, after i had lost feeling in my hands and while internally berating myself for not admitting just how fine and healthy i was, i could feel the joints in my elbow spassming and laughed out loud at the irony of that. Because i really, really wanted to just stay there and die and never have to deal with anything ever again. (One of me had made a call to tell someone where i was, and they would have found me if I hadn't gone home when I did) ________//done with that subject now//__ I keep losing time and it's so fucking scary. Sometimes i feel like i change into someone else, and my lost time is back, fully or partially, but then the other time is missing. Like there is a partial link between the parts of me that remember different things but can sort of give a few impressions of certain memories. I've been (and am) going through some major real life crisis since maybe spring. So I pressed all my realisation about this stuff, depersonalisation and all, deep down into the bottom of my head. It's starting to come back this week. I think it's because i keep crying in my dreams the last many nights. I haven't allowed myself to feel too much, mainly because there is no doubt i will break if i feel anything right now. I need to not cry until my basic survival is less threatened than it is right now. If i feel things before i know I'll not be homeless I'll just give up completely. But i keep switching to someone/whoever i was a few years ago and i keep feeling this weird dread that time has passed. I feel unreal and exhausted. I don't know what I want with this post. I think I just need to tell someone, again, that the problem i have is identifiable and understandable and that I'm not alone. There is a name for this, I'm not doomed, I'll be okay.

I got stitches in a few of my cuts a week ago, an one has gotten very infected. I had to remove one stitch because the swelling was pulling it through my flesh and pus was oozing from the stitch holes. The inside of the cut is grayish but it is leaking yellow and pink fluids. My mother is out of town and my father doesn't care, so I have to take care of it myself. It's very swollen, so I may have to drain it but I'm not sure. What should I do?

I did not put this on the 'Self Injury' board because this topic is not about Self Injury or recovery specifically, but about scars. I figured it would be more appropriate here because of the context and content. But of course, any mod or admin can move this where it may be most appropriate. Warning: contains triggering content. I talk about self harm, scars, and wounds. I also provide a link below which has more info, and a picture of the kind of scar (scar, not wound FWIW) I am referring to for reference. If you are triggered by ANY of the mentioned content, please do not read further! ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** ***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** I had Social Anxiety since I was a toddler, but didn't develop clinical depression until I was a teenager. I started self harming when I was 13 with burning (with erasers - which didn't cause scars), but when I was no longer satisfied I found out about cutting through internet "friends" when I was 16. At the time I didn't know about 'hypertrophic scarring', or that I was one of the *lucky ones*(sarcasm) who was predisposed to it. A hypertrophic scar (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypertrophic_scar) is a scar that has excessive amounts of collagen which makes it look raised, and never looks healed. And getting stitches makes the scar look worse, because the collagen builds over the stitches. Hypertrophic scars are red, and sometimes pink or bright white. They are also thicker than they are supposed to be because of the collagen that builds up. And no matter how old they are they itch like hell when they get wet. They are sometimes even painful when they get hit or poked. I once used a edged pocket knife which required stitches, and only felt brave enough to tell someone what I did because I was told that if I "got stitches I wouldn't have a scar". To this day, it's the worst scar I have because the collagen grew over the stitches and the scar is raised and is pink and white. You can actually see each stitch still. Because the collagen grew over. Each. Stitch. I only Self Harmed for a year, and hypertrophic scars is huge reason why (as well as cutting only made me feel guilty). However with hypertrophic scarring, it doesn't have to take a knife to make me scar like that. A cat scratch, when a dog jumps on me and slides his claws on my skin (but doesn't cause blood), when my own nail gets caught, an accidental cut, even a scrape when I slide against something - every cut or scratch I get leaves a white, pink, or red, raised scar or mark that itches. My scars cause A LOT of negative attention from doctors (not worry BTW). So much so its annoying. I haven't SI'd in 10 YEARS and I get lectured on visits. A lot times the conversation get's sidetracked away from the reason why I am there (Neurology, Gastroenterology, GP, etc.) and directed towards my scars and they talk about cutting/"how depression can mimic *insert why I'm there*. And when I interrupt and tell them about my scars and "look, they are obviously old, I haven't SI'd in 10 years".....the look on their face is priceless. But the fact the conversation NEVER get's back to me being a serious patient, infuriates me. Does ANYONE have issues with scarring like this? Especially who has dealt with Self Harm and so has a lot of them (and thus has the same kind of issues)? How do you deal with people, and your very NOTICEABLE scars? How do you deal with the scars themselves (is there ANYWAY to treat them...because Mederma is out of the question)? I have tattooed over some of my scars (it takes a couple of sittings BTW-they soak up ink). Other tattoos (from crappy artists) have CAUSED hypertrophic scarring ON the tattoos where there were no scars before!

Hi all! I'm a newbie here trying to organize my thoughts and gather some clearer vocabulary to explain my experiences with. I'm 17 and just got a part-time job, so maybe soon I can seek some form of treatment. The first thing you would notice if you met me is that being around other people is extremely distressing. I get extremely nervous, find it very difficult to speak well or at all, and have little 'tics' that help me think in these situations, like balling my hand up and rubbing the last set of knuckles (the joints before the end of the fingers) against my lips, or rocking my whole body back and forth. I get very intimidated by even the presence of another person, avoid eye contact, and avoid interaction in any way if at all possible. If I must interact with them, I get so nervous I tremble and feel a pit in my stomach, like I expect them to hurt me or something (but logically I know they won't). My voice gets very high and shaky, I begin to feel like I may vomit, and I find the entire event extremely draining. While that's going on externally, internally I'm consumed by thoughts that run like "Cmon just talk to them/they're making an effort and you're not/you're so selfish and rude/they wouldn't like you/no one likes you/it's easy, just open your mouth and say something/bet you'd mess that up too though/just like you mess up everything/you're messing up/you're such a worthless screw-up..." etc etc. It doesn't sound like a voice really, just thoughts I really wish would stop, but I can't make them. Sometimes it gets so bad that I think of leaving because I feel like people only stick around out of pity. This happens other times besides when I'm around people, but the narrative is usually the same: I'm deficient in a thousand ways and not worth the dirt on my shoes. Because of this, I've taken to extensively planning out and re-planning and re-planning any situation that might trigger that, to cover as many bases as possible. This usually leads to planning out different lives for myself, where I get better and am more or less happy. I spend hours and hours on these plans, get so consumed in them (or other engaging projects) that I forget or don't consider it important enough to do basic life things like eating (I rarely actually feel hungry, so it's easy to forget), bathing, or cleaning for several days. Nearly every night, I find it extremely hard to sleep until after 2 am, sometimes as late as 6 am, regardless of how long I've been awake. Even if I feel like death during the day, by 10 PM I'm wide awake, consumed in thought, and physically cannot sleep. Regardless of the time I get to sleep (even if it's 8:00 pm), if I am woken up or wake up before about 10:00 am, I'm dead tired and positively hostile all day. I often feel like I have no energy at all, like I'm completely disinterested in absolutely every aspect of life and wish I didn't have to live it. (I have attempted suicide multiple times, but not recently, ie. 2+ years ago. I have also self-harmed but again, not recently. I still have the emotions I just redirect the actions.) I often feel numb and "not real," which often leads me to ideas like "the universe is a giant video game and everyone else in it is an NPC". I'm not sure I always know it's not true, but I don't aggressively /not/ know it isn't true, either. I always circle back around to reality, more or less. Sometimes in with feeling not real, sometimes separate, I often don't feel like myself. During this I'm either highly engulfed in thought and practically do nothing all day for weeks or months, or else it only lasts for a few hours and is instead a feeling of intense tingly "high" where I'm euphoric and not thinking at all. I always do and say too much when the latter is happening, so I simultaneously feel like an absolute idiot. Any time I look in the mirror, I either get so ill I may vomit, or I spend hours staring at myself in it, thinking. Either way, my immediate reaction is "I don't look like that. That isn't me." (I've attributed this to my nonbinary gender, but I suppose it could be something else.) This is getting pretty long, so I'll cap it there for now. Even if you can only suggest terms for one or a few of them, any help at all would be great. Thank you.

Well I'm not sure if I'll get much response to this, but I'm going to try anyway. Over the past few months I've been finding it increasingly harder to not act out on my violent urges. I've not been too bad when I've been alone or with my partner/housemates, but as soon as I go out in public I can feel my levels of aggression rising and I just want to lash out. I had been training full contact martial arts, which had been keeping me relatively sated, but after I had to apply for fight insurance, my diagnoses were discovered and I was stopped from sparring/fighting. Hitting a punchbag just doesn't have the same effect on me. I've come to the realisation that I don't want to be arrested again, I don't want to spend any more time "inside". But I find that consequence is quickly losing ground to irrationality. I've been trying to find a new coping mechanism, but I'm as yet to discover anything that works other than having my partner with me in public, and I don't want her in a potential firing line (from retaliation, not from myself). She is fully aware of my past troubles with criminality and also knows about my Schizoaffective, but not my AsPD diagnosis. There is some talk in the psychiatric community regarding the symptoms of AsPD lessening in the late 30's or 40's. I've only got a couple of years to go to for that and it would be good to stay out of trouble until then. I know that the symptoms might stay as they are, but it gives me something to aim for. Anyway, I'm really just wanting to hear any ideas for coping strategies from people. You don't have to have AsPD, just tell me if something worked for you in a similar situation. General questioning about my disorder is also acceptable.

I have been thinking about cutting for a long time. I finally gave in to the urge last night. I did very superficial cuts but they are cuts nonetheless. I feel so embarrassed and disappointed. I live in a boarding home so I am on checks every fifteen minutes because I told them about the cutting. That is a big part of my freedom being taken away. I can’t leave the boarding home without staff accompaniment. I wish I wouldn’t have done this. But I was so obsessed with the thought of doing it, I felt like I had no choice. The ritual itself was so calming. I just wish I hadn’t done it. But, part of me likes looking down at my arm and seeing the marks. Isn’t that messed up? Ugh.

I need to get this off my chest. When I first started hearing voices [maybe 5 years ago], they would tell me to do sexual things to the animals in my house. Same thing with children[i had no children at my house]. It ate me alive, because I am a huge animal lover and would never want to hurt them. And I love kids, too. Anyway, eventually I started acting on what the voices told me. I'm not sure how long it lasted, but I would snuggle with a dog and find myself touching them inappropriately in a half asleep, half awake state. The voices were so loud. I dissociated through most of it, like I was watching a movie. I can't believe I touched them. I don't want to give too many details, because I don't want anyone to find out who I am. Needless to say, I can't get over the fact that I did that. I feel like a pedophile. I feel dirty. At one point, I was going to make a career out of working with animals. Now, I don't know if I can ever own a dog! I love them so much but I don't want to hurt them. I now live someplace with no animals, and it breaks my heart that I hurt them. Also, I gave my cat [who now has a new home] some of my medication in a dissociative state. I rushed her to the vet and she is fine today. But it makes me feel like a monster. I never thought I could hurt a fly. But here I am hurting living, feeling, creatures. Now, that hasn't happened in years, but I still worry. I used to get voices telling me that I should hurt other people. It makes me wonder if I would ever act on that. I don't hear voices any more, thanks to my meds, but I still wonder. I live in a boarding home for people with MI, so I'm safe. I hope maybe someone with a similar experience will step forward. Thanks, A

Trigger warning: Cptsd, bullying, self harm, alcoholism, disordered eating, depression, Aspergers syndrome, suicide Hi all I was wondering if I have some Complex PTSD as a result of my experiences with bullying at school. I plan to maybe bring this up with my pdoc next time I see her but I don't want to seem like I'm just looking for diagnosis as excuses. I'm also a bit worried that my parents could be upset and guilty about my bullying even though it's not their fault as I hid it throughout my schooling. I coped fine at school and did well at my school work. The fact that I was being bullied and rejected by my entire school year did not affect me that much. In my first school where I was bullied I would escape to the library or play along with their game of running away from my "Rosie germs". This continued in my next school and High school where children would run away from me at lunchtime I tried to sit with them. Despite this I would persevere blaming myself for it happening. I can't remember a lot of my bullying in primary or high school. I know I was bullied from year 3 until year 9 or 10 as I can remember some incidents and the general things they used to do as well as hiding it from my parents and teachers. However I found a report detailing some incidents in primary school that I have no recollection of. This included: having stones thrown at me, children holding their breath as my parents walked through the school, having my buddy changed because she was related to one of my tormentors Having children move away if I tried to sit with them. Incident's I can remember are: being "accidently" wacked in the chest with a paddle at sport, having bricks put in my school bag, being hit numerous times by my high school "friends" having my friends at primary school tell me they couldn't be friends with me, Sitting alone every lunch time Having my high school friends tell a teacher to get me away from them. Despite all of this by the time I had finished High school I had looked to be a well adjusted student ready to move on to university. However when I moved to uni I struggled to believe that the group I had made friends with really liked me so I only met up once a week when we would go out. As a result I became very isolated. I also started to use alcohol to deal with my growing social anxiety as well to be able to take away some of the numbness I felt. As part of my social anxiety I was hyper vigilant and paranoid in my interactions with others. I also began to question the meaning of life and reality. I tend to go between extremes. I generally have a super organised routine or I have none at all. I am either very excitable, neutral or very upset and when I get upset it happens very quickly and I find it hard to calm down. This is probably part of my Aspergers though. So while I had a good routine in the first half of the year it started to slip and fell apart very quickly. I toyed with the thought that I had depression but assumed I was just lazy. I began to deal with the stress of assignments by looking up ways to kill myself if I failed. I did end up seeing a councillor and my doctor who diagnosed depression. As my alcoholism became worse I started to self harm and attempt overdoses but never took enough to harm me. I also began to binge and purge which eventually turned into restricting however I stopped before developing an eating disorder. In terms of dissociation or depersonalisation I often try and reject reality by escaping into books and TV shows. I often philosophically question reality and its meaning to the point where I get distressed. My questioning of reality also contributes to my lack of motivation. There have been times when I have been really depressed where I have felt out of my body and being on auto pilot. In terms of my perception of myself I have very low self esteem and hate myself and everything that I have become. I think I am a horrible ugly, disgusting person and I have a tendency to feel guilty and blame myself for everything that happens. I have a hard time trusting that others really like me. I automatically assume that people will hate me and if I don't please them or make a mistake in something I say/do they will hate me. I often feel trapped and that there is no way I will ever get out of this and move on with my life. I always thought that I would go to uni and be very successful as I was intelligent and good at doing my work. However now I struggle to do any work and I think I am dumb and stupid. So that’s about all I can think of at the moment do any of you think that I may have CPTSD. I know you're not health professionals but having experienced it yourself it would be good to get a perspective on this before I decide whether to bring it up to my pdoc.

Trigger warning: mentions self harm, depression, suicidal thoughts, bullying, disordered eating Hey I've come across this site and decided to join. I'm a 19yr old Australian girl and currently trying to do a bachelors of Arts/Science at University majoring in psychology and sociology. I have only been diagnosed with mental health problems since starting Uni last year. I currently am diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (formerly known as Aspergers Syndrome), Depression and some Social Anxiety (although it's a lot better than it was). I have also struggled with self harm and alcohol abuse for the past 2 years. My eating also became disordered at the beginning of this year with restricting, binging and purging (although I managed to stop before it developed into an eating disorder). My main problems are as a result of my ASD and being severely bullied from yr 3 till yr 10. I have been unable to complete my courses this semester as I have relapsed and am currently trying to get my depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm under control. My interests include but are not limited to: Harry Potter, Doctor Who, anything by Joss Whedon, Starkid, mental health issues, feminism and other equality movements, Sherlock, zombies and politics.

Hello! I've recently been discharged from a mental hospital, where, amongst other things, i was being treated for anorexia nervosa. I was on a strict 1900-calorie "meal plan", eating six times per day, and would be tube-fed if I failed to eat it. Now that I've left hospital, i seem to have segued from often physical inability to eat - the intrusive thoughts were simply too loud to defy - into binge eating on an almost daily basis. The past few days, I downed over 2000 calories per day. I've gained half a stone in a week. However, today, i find myself back with the crippling guilt and hatred of myself when I even picture food. I know it's sick, but i miss the days of unipolar, non-binging anorexia; at least then i knew where i stood. With this weird fluctuation between extremes, I have no idea what I am any more.

So apparently my last post on this topic was triggering. Sorry, I didn't mean for it to be. Trust me, the LAST thing I want to do is make anyone else feel like me. Here is more or less what I said: I can't even think of things that might trigger me. The urge is just always there in the back of my head and it's impossible to ignore. The worst part is, after so many people have told me I'm just an attention-seeker, I've started to believe it. I can't think of any good reason why I should stop, why I deserve help for such an insignificant issue. I just want to be invisible to myself. That's minus anything that could be triggering (I hope). I don't really expect that I'll get help, honestly, but I had the guts to post it the first time so I might as well post it again.