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Found 11 results

  1. So basically im dead inside. I currently being emotionaly dull, i cant feel any motivation or desire to live, despite that im still doing my everyday things, going to college, working out, doing my usual duties and chores. The thing is that i have an schizoid disorder, and im very paranoid. I posted in addiction because one of the most destructive things is my addction to many things. I smoke, not weed, regular cigarettes, the thing is that my parents think that i quited smoking but i dont, i wanna quit to, i hate it, and i hate it because my parents are well known religious leaders in my town and a lot of people know them and know me, when i smoke outside im always paranoid, i dont wanna live this way, my paranoia is getting worse but i always end up smoking again because my friends smoke and i always fall but i wanna quit. If my parents get to know that i still smoke they probably stop paying my colleges fees, a lot of people know them and can snitch on me. I have this fight, i cant keep going anymore, at the same time smoking helps me cope whit my side effectos made by my antipsychotics, but they dont understand, they always judge merciless even do im an adult in my twenties. Can anyone give advice, all advice is very helpful.
  2. When you experience a change in mood, be it mania, depression, hypo or mixed does it creep over you slowly or is it like a switch got flipped? I would like to ask the same question in regards to delusional/paranoid/psychotic symptoms. For me and a few others I know it's a switch. Sometimes with a known trigger and sometimes just because BP wants to fuck with me. Winter depression creeps but turns off all at once for me. So a bit of a creepy switch. Do you find the same in reverse? Your depressed for a period, say 6 weeks and then click the switch gets flipped and wham it's gone? Enquiring minds want to know. Well at least one mind does.
  3. I can't claim having much stability. However I have had a pretty good run. Almost 4 months. Dealing with lots of things. Big issues, small issues. Work stress, home stress......big home stress between myself and my husband. We no longer sleep together, mostly because of my actions. I have been dealing with it pretty well. It's been hard though. I have been doing better taking care of myself. Sleeping, eating, exercising. But........I seem to be losing my shit recently. Touch of psychosis. (If you can have a touch) it was short lived and then I rolled right into depression. I have lots of mixed days. I am feeling more fragile and crying more. I want to disappear. Why the sudden change? It's sort of a dumb question. It's part of the nature of BP. I have worked hard to identify triggers. My question is have you been able to isolate what triggers a mood episode? Depression or mania or psychosis? What are those triggers? Maybe I am missing something. Maybe I am asking a question that can never be answered. Worth a try. I am hoping I missed something.
  4. Hi all, I'm new here, so if this conversation has already happened, would you kindly point me to the correct thread? I'm in a tad of predicament. My therapist wants me to be doing something to express and "process" (whatever that means exactly) both my present and past experiences. Journaling is, of course, the go-to and used to work, but lately it has just triggered me terribly. Last night, after I tried journaling, I felt like I was going mad (I'm going to guess it was a strong dissociative episode...), and I didn't even talk about anything that crazy. I'll keep working on timing myself or art journaling, but at the moment, I'm terrified to try again because last night was so hard. Has anyone else experienced this? What has worked for you? What other ways have you found to express yourself without ending up feeling like the world was ending? Thanks so much for any help you can offer!
  5. <<<<<<<TRIGGER WARNING>>>>>>>>>Last friday ( Nov 14th) the house right next to mine burned down, nearly costing me my own house,pets and belongiings I was sittting on the couch doing my word finds which i ussually do to unwind when I heard this very loud BANG! that shook my house, saw smoke and heard my neighbor yelling GET OUT! YOU HAVE TO GET OUT!!! NOW! I saw flames shooting out of the windows and door of the house close to mine ( which was 10 feet away) and All I could think of was if I am gonna loose it all F**** it and let ME burn up too then. Then nighbors had been using like 7 space heaters at once becuz they refused to pay the gas bill ( using their money for not so great things but you know...). So they overloaded the fuses in the 100+ house. All I recall is myself being DRAGGED out of my own home by a cop becuz i was refusing to leave.. I wanted to just be left the F alone. I can't recall every specific detail and it still makes me very angry to discuss it so I will just post about my recent personality changes. I have become very hateful, Mistrusting and not wanting anyone near me lately. yet at the same time EVERYTHING scares me... even the broken windows my house has. I actually HATE my home now. being here makes me vomit. All i can see outside is the burned debris of what once was the nieghbors house ( never mind the fact these were not good people. I used to babysit their kid). This person turned on me and MY family and even blamed us for the fire. Then she lately emailed me and said " since I lost everything, your house should be next". I did contact the police and filed an order for protection but now i dont know who I can trust anymore.. people come up to me and my family and sneer at us or treat us like scum. it's hard to have sympathy for someone who caused their own plight and were chronic lawbreakers. I feel for their kids but I can't find any pity for the adults since the fire was their fault and they endangered others as well. All I feel is HATE and wanting to smash someone in the face. SURE things COULD have been worse for my family... but the trauma is there and I no longer feel secure.. like ANYTHING could ignite my home. I am also tired of others telling us " well you guys didn't loose anything.. you only have some damage to your home". I have gotten to the point where if someone comes up to me and mentions the fire.. asks questions. I snap and say LEAVE ME THE F ALONE! the other day some woman came up to my mother and handed her a 20$ bill and I snapped and told her I didn't need her pity. We still have to see the debris outside.. plus freeze becuz of busted windows. The broken windows themselves are a major trigger for me since I have a phobia of broken/crakced windows stemming from a childhood trauma. WHEN WILL THE TRUAMAS END?????
  6. Dear Friends, I have to go to court on Tuesday and will probably come face to face with a person that traumatized me. Haven't seen this person in over 15 years. I am worried that this will be a trigger. I have spoken to my pdoc and was given some Valium, but I'm wondering if there are any techniques that you can suggest to help me. I particularly need help dealing with the time between now and Tuesday. This is difficult to me and I appreciate anything you guys can teach me. Thanks.
  7. i would like to talk about the sexual abuse that my ex-husband did to me, in explicit terms, say exactly what happened. Is that ok here? I don't want to trigger someone or freak them out. Thank you!
  8. I'm a bipolar in my twenties, and my husband and I are expecting our first child this fall. I'm a wreck. My moods are unstable, even though I've been allowed to stay on a stabilizer while pregnant because I'm on Latuda and it is schedule B. I have recently had to add Xanax for overstimulation, I need an SSRI (but can't have it because I'm pregnant), and I am tired and lethargic all the time. I'm a writer and my creativity and spark have been sucked out of me. I am panicked about this baby for a variety of reasons, the biggest one of which is sleep deprivation. I know from the DR and from experience that I don't have an ice cube's chance in hell of having my meds work if I'm not on a consistent, full sleep schedule. How exactly does one do that with a newborn? I am trying to figure out if I can afford an overnight sitter, or what my other options might be? On another sleep related note, I often have terrible problems with overstimulation. One of the best ways to turn it off is to lay down and sleep. I won't have that option anymore and I don't know what to do. The overstimulation gets so unbearable that it is as uncomfortable as a mixed state. It isn't uncommon for me to have to get up and leave stores and restaurants. But now when I'm overstimulated I can't just lay down. I'm going to be responsible for someone else. How did you handle sleep deprivation and the demands of a baby with the demands of bipolar? Did it go better than you thought? Did you have an overnight sitter? Did you hire a babysitter or daycare center for your baby? How many months old was your baby before it got easier, or did it? I don't know what to do. I'm having this baby because my husband wanted one, and I'm trying to be excited about the poor little thing. but I don't feel cut out for this. It takes all my time and energy just to take care of myself. I don't see how I'm supposed to handle a newborn.
  9. Hi Everyone, I'm trying to look for a job right now. First time I really have looked for a job in over 5 years ( yes, since the economy crashed). I have only held a couple jobs on and over before that, when I was in my early 20s my schizoaffective and borderline were really, really bad. Now that I am better I have been going on interviews, but not finding anything. Today I called back about a job and was told I didn't get it. I'm taking it so hard. When he told me I didn't get the job, I was in tears. I was so sure I nailed the interview. I called one of my friends who understands, and let it all out to her. She is pretty much my only friend right now, and I am so jealous because even though she has a " MI" her life is so good, she has a good looking boyfriend and a good job. My boyfriend is not even attractive to me. I am so ugly and repulsive. I cannot get anyone else to date me. I feel like people look at me and don't want me to sit near them, or want me to work for them. I feel like I will spend the rest of my life on SSI. I will end up going back to a " home" for people with mental illness. I wish I was someone else today. I went home and told this to my boyfriend and he said that I should stop saying all of this crap, that this was all BS. Is it? How do other people on here deal with rejection? How do I not take it personally. I can't help feeling sad about it. What is wrong with me?
  10. :Trigger: Sometimes I get the feeling like I'm being watched and controlled by outside sources.Demon's or the gods and goddesses are trying to control me.And then I start feeling like I'm going to have a grand mal seizure.I haven't had a full blown seizure since I was 18 but I feel like I could in this state.First my legs start shaking then I start getting dizzy and I feel like I could have a seizure.Then I feel like I've hurt someone that I've loved then I leave the place ASAP and then on my walk I feel like I'm being watched and controlled by external forces and I could go into a full blown seizure.I am 44 years old now.I had my last full blown seizure when I was 18.And while I'm going through these things I feel like hurting others in particular my rapist from six years ago.It is not a pleasant feeling and I know it.Can anyone help me.Has anyone else experienced these feelings. Maybe I should tell my pdoc Dr S.
  11. Right now I feel like I'm going to have a seizure.I'm at the library and I have to head home but I don't know if I'll make it.Got the feeling like I was being watched and controlled again about a hour ago and I've still got it.Feels like I've done something wrong to someone.And it feels like I could fall down and have a seizure and i feel like hurting someone( :Trigger: my rapist from six years ago),I can't do it and I wouldn't but it feels like I want to do it it's what those controlling me want me to do.And I now I'm coming out of it the daze because I need to go home.But it felt like I've done something wrong and people are staring at me.And trying to control me or some external forces are.
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