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So... my nurse once said that I probably have avoidant personality disorder. According to Myers–Briggs test I have INTP personality which really fits me, but also seems to be this personality associated with all personality disorders from schizoid to borderline disorder. So either this means I have fucked up personality or that my personality disorder is effecting my results. How nice. Lately I've been getting worse with my anxiety. I've always known I'm fat and average looking, but lately I've started to think: "What if my personality is ugly too?" It probably is, but it's kind of soul crushing observation to make. Even though I didn't have friends growing up I always used to think I was at least good person to some extent. Few years I've tried to be more social, but it's not easy. More time I spend interacting with people around me, more it makes me feel like there must be something seriously wrong with me. Everything I say seems to offend people even though I don't actually mean to offend anyone. Also my emotions are all mixed up. I'm so emotional and sensitive when it comes to what people think of me, but on the other hand I feel like I could probably sell my own grandmother if I wanted to. It just doesn't seem normal, but I don't know what I should do to change things either. When surrounded by friends I feel lonely and leftover. When I try to go to sleep it gets even worse, which is why I usually stay up all night. Maybe I should just find a hole to hide in and never come out again? I just feel so tired of being so lonely, but unable to spend time with people without thinking they must actually hate me or at least think I'm disgusting. I don't know what anyone could do with this information I've given, but hopefully someone can relate. I guess I'd like to know if there is someone out there who feels the same way at least. Does this sound like avoidant personality disorder to you?

I'm not 100% sure this is the best place to vent out my feelings, but I've joined anyway. I'm a person with a lot of problems. I have anxiety, an eating disorder, and severe depression. I often feel lonely and suicidal even. I'm not gonna get into that right now though. I've been on one other forum before, though I stopped, not sure why. Now I'm rejoicing because problems have popped up for me, I feel like I'm at a breaking point, and I do know there are so many people out there struggling, and way more than me. Some of you have bipolar, schizophrenia, etc. I sympathize with you indeed, I'm not typically looking for the "it get's better line" I need solid advice. I know I am mental, I have terrible thoughts, I feel stupid, guilty, and uninterested. Worst of all I have the lowest god damn self esteem ever. I hate myself and the way I look, I've been at 90 pounds and still felt ugly. I hate my face and my body. Hell even my hair, anything. I truly feel worthless. Okay so I'll stop, I think you know why I'm here now... I really hope to help others AT LEAST, if no one knows how to help me. I've heard it all from "Just eat." when I didn't want to, to "Get over it" to "You're not ugly" (without further explanation or thought) and even " you don't have depression" I hope I will not hear these words on here. In fact I doubt I will, people who have depression know better than to tell these things to someone else. Anyway, It's early in the morning I believe, in a couple hours I'll be off to my personal hell. So, all I'm looking for is someone to help me cope, someone to talk to me when I'm borderline suicidal. Anyway, I hope all of you have a good night/morning/evening. I will try to get some sleep now before morning... Goodnight <3

The mirror is lying to me, it always has and I fear it always will. I've never liked myself, not since I was younger, and still don't. Even now the slightest comment that could offend that has to do with looks in any way irritates me. I had an eating disorder at 13 years old. I'm 18 and still struggle. I'm not sure if I should go into graphic detail or not, if this disgusts you skip this next paragraph. At school I noticed girls with skinny legs and arms (years back), I couldn't believe how fat I looked compared to them. My best friend at the time told me I wasn't. My mind, my eyes, and the mirror told me I was. I envied the models and the celebs who were so fit and thin. I pinched myself and the fat just thinking about it. That was when my eating disorder developed. I made it a point to eat less than 1,200 calories. Mostly, I would eat 500 cals or less, because I knew I'd burn it off easy. My body hated me...I had hunger pains, felt sick, and yet I started to feel pretty. I started to see my hip bones, collar bones, a FLAT STOMACH, and the most treasured of all, a thigh gap. All of this did not give me extreme confidence though (for those of you considering it don't...). Eventually I started shooting lower and lower. first was 100 pounds, then 90, then 85, to 70. I failed many times, the restriction led to binges, and the binges sometimes led to purging. I won't describe it, however I did not purge very often. I usually was too afraid someone would notice. It was very hard to do, I was more just anorexic than bulimic if there was a label. Weight wasn't my only disfunction, my face and hair too. To this day I hate my face, I am still planning and wondering if I should get plastic surgery, I've always been told how bad and "sinful" it is. Not to ruin my good looks which are clearly not there. While it may be dangerous, I know I have hated myself forever. When ever I look in the mirror, not only do I sometimes feel fat (depending on how much I specifically weigh at the time, for instance any time it's 120 and above + I can't stand it) but my face is like a picasso painting. I feel like my facial features are all wrong and ugly. I horrify myself....sometimes I feel like the hunchback, or a monster. I don't understand why, I am able to find the Mona Lisa beautiful, celebs like Kate Upton, or friendly people of the street are so good looking, but me? I don't fit. My hair is an ugly, boring, dark, black color, yet my skin is pale (most likely because I never even want to go outside with how ugly I feel) I have grey eyes, some say they have blue eyes, mine are a dull grey... I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish with this post, please... can anyone relate with hating every...single...feature...part of themselves? Who here? Who else is afraid of judgement, hates their looks so much they want to die? Do you ever think...wow if there is a god, he must really hate me for making me so fucking ugly... or maybe "god the other gender is so shallow" when really they might not be. Worse the "I wish I was dead I'm the ugliest person on the planet." The worst part is I'm now 100% I have BDD alongside my ED, I've never been curvy, when I realized I wasn't I also noticed how stick thin was so beautiful to me that I wanted to be that. It had always bothered me that I hadn't even had big hips or boobs to being with, but once I found myself being the SLIGHTEST BIT fat I wanted...more like NEEDED to be as thin and skeletal as possible. I think if I can't be a beautiful Marilyn Monroe, why not be an Amy Winehouse? Thin and perfect, before she died that is.. I'm gonna ask the therapist about having BDD, I never considered it so much until recently, which is stupid of me. I'd write much more but I don't wanna make this too long for anyone at all to read. Tell me does anyone have personal experiences with feeling fat, and exercising excessively? Eating very little, etc. Tell me I'm not alone?? The mirror lies to me.