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My apologies for the long post, I'll try to keep it as brief as possible. As the title says, I'm just picometers away from checking myself into a psych ward. I have shit going on in my life with my family that I'm just about done with trying to care about and mange. We have a live-in "stray" we picked up who is a mooch, a biggot, a homophobe (I'm gay), an a real class A ass hole. My friend and I and him got into a shouting match last night and he almost got violent with us. Of course, my mom, who is infatuated with him (and if I didn't know any better, is having an affair with him), hardly did anything to intervene except saying "stop yelling!" But that's another thing, I digress. Not to mention, my mood has been on a downswing the last month into a massive, bottomless-pit of a depressive episode. I knew it was too good for me to be feeling good for as long as I did. It was the first time in years to be feeling that good for as long as I did. I was probably actually hypomanic because I got myself into some pretty nasty credit card debt that I can't pay off because I'm unemployed and have no source of income. I knew I was due for a depressive episode sooner or later, which is fantastic because now I don't have the willpower to get a job. I can't get to my pdoc until, at the very soonest, Wednesday, and it's not guaranteed that I'll even get to see her then. It may be Friday, or even next week. I'm heavily considering checking into a psych ward. I've talked with friends about which one in my area is the best one, and I think I've decided which one to go to. I'm just scared to death of being stripped of my belongings like my cell phone and everything. I'd like to at least have my pen and notebook so I could journal or something. Is that really what they do? Do they treat you like prisoners? I've been taking copious amounts of Restoril (> 360 mg ) + gabapentin (>3600 mg) + Valium (> 40 mg) + Xanax (> 6 mg) + Thorazine (> 100 mg) + Zanaflex (> 12 mg) all at once just to feel out of my body. I want to be gone. I want to be away. I don't want to die, I just want to be gone. Away. Not here. Just for a while. I don't want to be anywhere. I just want to go away for a long time and come back when things are better. I've been doing this every night for the past few days. My parents and best friend know about it, and it breaks their hearts to know I'm doing it, but I can't help it. I feel like I need to do it. I ran out of Restoril, so I've just been taking the combo without the Restoril. I've been slowly escalating the dose of gabapentin as I started out at 2400 mg. I'm almost out of Valium as they're 2 mg pills. I'm almost out of Xanax and Thorazine. Soon I'll just be left with gabapentin. Please help me. I don't know what to do. I'm scared of this guy living with us, he has long overstayed his welcome. He was supposed to move out once he got a place of his own. He has a place of his own, he just has to fix it up. He hasn't worked on it in months. I'm terrified of him. I'm having paranoid hallucinations of him coming to harm me even when he's not here.
Before reading this, don't get my pdoc wrong, she's excellent, well educated, and a very compassionate, caring, and even loving pdoc. But she hasn't been the same since her husband passed away, and it has reflected in her prescribing habits. So at my last visit at my pdoc, apparently, she was going to lower my duloxetine (Cymbalta) dosage from 120 mg to 60 mg anyway, regardless of how I was feeling (I told her I had been sleeping all day, had been feeling drained, and had been feeling worthless...). She had been "threatening" to do that for months but apparently, this was it. But I expressed an interest in switching to imipramine (Tofranil) since I had heard it worked miracles for some users around here in bringing them out of their deepest, darkest depressions. She honored my curiosity, but I had in mind that she would give me enough imipramine to switch from duloxetine (Cymbalta) to imipramine... She just tacked on 60x 25 mg imipramine to start with 25 mg and then go up to 50 mg. Seems pretty low to me... So she has me on duloxetine 60 mg and imipramine 50 mg... it doesn't seem to be doing anything at all. As far as the duloxetine dosage lowering went, I had some 30 mg caps left over, so I added them to the 60 mg for 90 mg so it wouldn't be such a dramatic dosage reduction for a week, and I couldn't do anything but sleep all day but all the while have horrendous nightmares. I'm now on 60 mg duloxetine and still having nightmares, but I'm "recovering" from sleeping all day. In my signature it says I take the imipramine in the morning--I do that because it's actually stimulating for me and not sedating. Anyway... this is what I'm unsure about... I don't know if I should give imipramine more time, or if I should switch to an SSRI + desipramine (Norpramin), which I took about two years ago and did so well on but I gave up on it because she wouldn't let me have more than 75 mg and I needed (desperately) more than that. At the time I was actually on duloxetine, but originally I was on fluoxetine (Prozac) + desipramine which my GP prescribed (I had to go to him because I was doing so horribly and couldn't wait for an appointment for my pdoc). The idea was the SSRI + desipramine would create a potent SNRI-like effect, more potent than any of the SNRIs on the market. I'm thinking about switching to sertraline (Zoloft) (which I've done well on before) + desipramine for a SNRI-like effect. But I'm wondering if I even need the desipramine and if that would be over-medicating because I have a stimulant--dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine). Won't that give me some norepinephrine reuptake inhibition and release? I would differ to my pdoc but I'm wondering if she's starting to lose her edge? I don't want to switch pdocs though... I've gotten so close with her and trust her... She knows me. The office staff knows me... (well... most of them...) Any input and responses would be appreciated!
I felt this wave of sensation come over my body and I felt suddenly light on my feet. I almost fell because I got a little disoriented. I felt this anxious feeling in my chest. It was a scary feeling. I keep trying to research what these are. They started 2 months ago. They are not a constant feeling and they happen like 1-2 times a week. Is this a type of seizure? What's a seizure like? Should I seek help seizure or not seizure? P.S. Pardon my ignorance. I don't understand seizures. My dad had them when he was a kid but he's sleeping right now so I can't ask him.
Hi all! First time posting and I'm new to the site. I have struggled for large stretches of my life with depression, anxiety, self-harm, trichotillomania (chronic hair pulling-out) etc. In the past couple years I've found an amazing therapist and gotten on Zoloft for depression and Buspar for anxiety. I have a wonderful Spouse, a great job (despite a rough boss,) and a stable home with adorable pets. Overall life is pretty good these days. I have around 10 alters. Some have come out of nowhere, some have splintered off from other alters over time. They all basically have jobs: protection, regression, self-soothing, order, fun, sex, etc. I have some lost time and amnesia but overall we're all pretty co-conscious these days, sharing experiences and memories. Mostly. I think I'm getting to a point in therapy where I am about to figure out some of the root cause of the DID. I know I was sexually assaulted by another kid (a bully/"friend") at least once when very young, but I don't think I was every assaulted by an adult when I was a child. But my parents moved me and my siblings around A LOT. Like 25 times before I was 16. All over the world. Hotels, relatives' homes, friend's apartments, etc. Could this lack of consistency, home country, and sense of "home" in general ...BE the root cause for my apparent DID? Could this continued and forced reinvention of identity be the cause of my DID? I don't have an official diagnosis yet due to going to a free clinic, because insurance reasons. But my therapist has said, "unofficially," that I do seem to have DID, and we talk about it all the time. Did any of you who have DID develop it without a "clear childhood trauma?"