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  • Stuff That Makes You Feel Like Crap
    • Bipolar Spectrum Disorder - The Pole Dance
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  • Coronavirus: Because You Don’t Have Enough Crap On Your Mind
    • I Need An Adult!: Where to Find Accurate Information
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    • Oh, No, I Couldn’t... Well, Maybe Just One More: Hoarding. Or, uh, Being Prepared
    • Casual Everyday: How to Stop Watching Cat Videos and Get Some Work Done At Home
    • Absolutely No One Walked Into a Bar: Best of Coronavirus Humor
    • But I Need a Damn Haircut: When You Don’t Have the Virus, But You’re Still Falling Apart
    • Countin’ Flowers On the Wall: So Bored We Need a Board For It

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  1. So for seventeen years I've had pain depression. It especially feels like it's squeezing my heart. It hasn't historically been *about* anything. I've just chalked it up to biochemistry, heredity. And I've thought about suicide, most days, for at least fifteen years - because pain sucks. Ups-and-downs. Roller-coasters. Probably every person on here has done time at the worst torture theme park in the world. Two years ago, my cocktail started working. There was some CBT and DBT in the mix too. I decreased my daily Ativan from 3mg to 2mg. Plus 20mg Latuda, 300mg Sertraline, 100mg Topamax. I actually felt happy, for about two years, until this October. Then it stopped working. And I stopped working. I work in a level I trauma center, where I identify cancer, anemia, and the effects of the coronavirus on the human body. I feel like I have a front row seat to human suffering, without being empowered to ameliorate it, and it's another kind of torture. I am very tired of fighting. If there was a euthanasia travel agency, where I could just walk in, plan my funeral and end-of-life arrangements, plan my ideal death, and just call this thing at 38, that would be a somewhat attractive option (not telling, The Tallest Man on Earth, flaming-Viking-burial-at-sea.) I'm tired of fighting this disease, personally. And I'm tired of coming up against the tsunami of "world suck" (H/T Vlog Brothers) which seems to be hate-fucking itself ad astra. So the strain theory, which I haven't read much on yet, is that we consider the termination of our lives when under one or more types of strain. I personally find this theory hopeful, as targeting the sources of strain, i.e. "world stuck," could reduce the inducements to terminate one's life. The General Strain Theory, according to one Wik I. Pedia cites loss of positive stimuli, addition of negative stimuli, or the inability to reach a desired goal, as three possible sources of strain. I will follow up on this with my tdoc on Wednesday. I think work is introducing negative stimuli, and I have a shit ton of unreached goals, but am starting to care about goals less and less. Basically, it pisses me off that I've had to dramatically reduce my goals due to my diseases, and it's kind of tempting to just leave the party. Please feel free to weigh in if you have personal and or academic experience with this. I'm also meeting virtually with my pdoc tomorrow... to tweak the cocktail. Would love recommendations. My current rx mix, dxs and rx, failures are in my signature. Lamictal induces hives and vomiting. Depakote causes dyskinesia. Lithium ruined the thyroid and causes acute renal failure. Medicine. Ha ha. Organ roulette. So the observation about different species of depression is that while for a decade-and-a-half I experienced what seemed like purely biochemical, chains-around-my-heart, tar-and-shark-filled, basements-beneath-basements depression. This feels more like a rational(?) depression, which has me concerned about whether it will be responsive to biochemical therapy.
  2. This is something I’m thinking about a lot lately. People without a mental illness don’t understand the costs we have: broken relationships, lost jobs, and poor spending episodes (putting it mildly). Add in all the costs of meds, doctor visits, therapy appointments - I didn’t choose this, but it is what it is. Staying on meds, for me, has created some stability after years without any. But now I face homelessness in a couple days unless a miracle occurs. I’m pissed off at myself for HAVING this, although I can’t control that I do. I’ve been depressed for quite a while, but still able to get to work. Over a year ago, when first diagnosed, I was off a few months, a total wreck, and am still crawling out from the financial fallout. Last month the pdoc added a new med. Within a week, I was hearing voices (not something I do) and was terribly depressed and had suicidal ideation. I quit the med and felt better within a week. During that time I took two days off work and hibernated, feeling hopeless and majorly depressed the first day. The next day I went to the pdoc and told her the effects of the new med I’d stopped. I went because my work demands a dr note to return to work. Telling her I felt like crap but have to work because I’m alone and have no back-up for money, I needed the note. She refused and said I’d get no note until I went through IOP. I went and after week 3 I told a dr there I’m ok and can’t continue because I must work. Got the note, no problem. They said they wanted me to stay off at least 2 more weeks, maybe more, but gave me the release. *sigh* Been back at work a couple wks and doing pretty well. The first of the month came and I had no way to pay my rent. A small disability pymt was expected but hadn’t arrived (not enough for rent anyway). The way our pay works, and since I was gone 3 wks, no pay for me until the end of the month. Yesterday I came home to a 3 day notice on my door. The property management is a big corporation and not willing to even give a few days and see from my dr release I’ve been out, doctor’s orders. I’ve asked a couple of people but they can’t help. I’m sad that I’ve failed. Loathing myself and my illness at all right now, I’m just hit in the face how much having this sucks. The costs go way beyond buying something one doesn’t need. Even when doing things the way they’re supposed to be done, it still can bite ya in the butt. Tired. Exhausted. Fed up. Rant over.
  3. Hi all, I'm currently having real difficulty at work and with a lot of my other relationships. The issue is that I'm constantly being talked over and really have to fight to be heard at all. I stutter slightly so that doesn't help me, and no-one seems to give a fuck most of the time. At work it is particularly bad because my bosses will start to talk over me before I've finished half a sentence. This is an issue because I work as a software developer and communication is key to getting my job done. The issue is so bad at work that every Sunday before I go to work I get angry thinking about having to deal with any of them. I feel that part of the issue is discrimination, because of my illness (I regret telling folk at work about it). I don't feel that I can move onto another job because I'm becoming unstable because it is leaving me feeling alienated. Other folk in the office seem to be following the example of what the bosses are doing. I've tried to tell the bosses that they're doing this, but I'm being largely ignored. Does anyone have any experience on how to deal with this sort of issue?
  4. The thing is we're moving in few months. I will need to change my job. The place we're moving into is quite far away from the city we live now in our apartment. I might find a job somewhere closer but I have another oportunity from my cousin. She works for the company where you can just work from home. I could do what I do now proffessionally, but I could appear in the office just from time to time. What do you think? Is it a good idea for someone with a bit of social anxiety? Or will it only deepen my phobias? My therpiest is very sceptic about that as she thinks i shoud be more among people. I really liked the job I've had and the people there. But there is always a risk that in another office it might not be that good. On the other hand I don't know if i want to stay at home most of the time and separate myself from the people even more. If you have any ideas or experiences please share.
  5. So I first had issues with the psychosis when i was 16. Im 26 now. I tried to go back to school when i was 17 but I was asleep far too much to be able to get to classes and do all the work Since then I have really not done much. I've never worked. No work experience. I did a course or two here and their but that's about it. Recently my Dad has suddenly started on the 'you need to get a job' thing once again. The last time this happened I ended up moving out for two years because it was driving me nuts and was very stressful. He doesn't seem to recognise what my condition is and instead sees it as laziness. But simultaneously I do realise that I ought to be doing something. My struggle is finding work/courses/volunteering that I actually give a 'F' about. On top of that I sleep a lot (easily 12 hours a day if not usually more) and I don't drive so it has to be relatively close to me. (I get the bus a lot but is very slow) So much of it just seems so meaningless, and uninteresting, that even if I had an easy way to get to/from it, I still wouldn't really care about the activity. I had an Occupational Therapist work with me a while ago, and its the only patient/professional relationship I've been in that completely broke down. She didn't seem to understand that I didn't care about the actives she had lined up for me. She kept saying things like "Everyone has to start somewhere" - "when I was your age I did all kinds of lousy jobs" which while I do understand, it doesn't make me any more motivated to do it. Working with her was the only time I've tried to take my own life because I didn't feel like life was worth living. (She also wouldn't listen or wasn't qualified to address my psychotic problems, and persuaded me to move into a place that I absolutely detested) "You should be thankful for doing these activities" really though? It often felt (and still feels) like I'm not doing it for me, I'm doing it because I'm being told to do it. Does anyone have any practical advice to be motivated for work/volunteering? Any jobs or volunteering that someone with schizoaffective disorder can do well? Ive looked over my local volunteering website many times and I'm almost always never impressed or optimistic about what I find. There's also really not that much advice out there for finding and surviving work for schizophrenics
  6. Ok, so life sucks sometimes. It happens. Some days your riding high and others you wonder about your purpose. Recently, I've been going through this phase of wondering just what the hell I'm doing here. What is my purpose? I used to love my job. I didn't even mind that my boss was a micromanaging, controlling, deceitful, narcissistic dick. Water off a duck's back. Lately, however, it's been getting to me. Seems as though the aforementioned prick has decided my job can be done better. 10 years and I've never made a mistake with the equipment I handle while this a-hole FUBAR's it in some way almost every time and somehow manages to place the blame on others when called out on it. I get tired of not being told the score, of things changing in the middle, of the deception and lies. I get tired of there being only 1 way (a-hole's) of doing something or having the process made 3 times harder than it needs to be. I'm at the point of should I stay or should I go now? Thoughts? -grimmie knows
  7. I've been clean almost three years...That's crazy, I never thought that I would live to see that. But sometimes it's really hard to stay alright with myself. I don't know how to support another person and still support myself and my own needs. Some might say that I just need to leave that relationship, whether it be platonic or otherwise, but this particular relationship has also enriched my life in ways that I never realized existed before I met this person. Spending time with them makes me happier than I've been in a really long time, yet they struggle with their own issues and seeing them in pain makes me feel like I can't do anything to help the people that I love. And that makes me feel like a failure. And that makes me want to self-harm. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Thoughts?
  8. What kind of job do you enjoy? I really enjoyed working in security for quite a while. Always time to socialize, adaptive to both low and high energy states. Always new situations to manage. Need space? Do a perimeter check, or pretend to read important stuff. Need to keep busy? Create a new filing system, or help someone out with whatever they're doing or forgot to do. In a sucky job right now and brainstorming. Also interested in what everyone else likes to do and why. En Todas! -Toas
  9. I posted this in the depression board and no one was recalling finding it so I'm moving it here. "I don't have a lot of time to get the message out as I am currently hiding in the restroom at work.... I just need to get it out. About 2 Or 3 weeks ago I started thinking about self harm. I have a pretty long past with it and always seem to turn to it. The problem is my husband gets so angry and blames himself when I do and then he babies me for months like I'm just gonna go jump off a bridge if he's not watching me 24/7. That's the only reason I don't. Because he gets annoying. Well yesterday I was passed up for ANOTHER promotion by my partner who, although has worked for the company a tiny bit longer then me, she's actually only been at our store for like 5 months.... I needed that promotion... It was my ticket off night shift (which takes a huge toll on me, any over nighter can tell you) and a higher pay check which means I could've gotten meds or a tdoc. I hate my job so much I've called in 3 times this month just because I can't get myself out of bed to go..... I've been walking around with a rubber band on my wrist for these few weeks snapping the crap out a me and tonight I think I may have caused a blood blister.... :/ I'm not happy with this situation at all..... I just want to be happy again and like my work..."
  10. I'm already feeling burned out at my job, and I've only been here since late february... and I think it's mainly because a) I've been working really hard and seeing very little result and b) there's been a lot of drama and I am not good at blocking out other people's negative energies. I worked 50 hours last week... and yet it felt like a marathon. 3 12-hour days, 1 4-hour day, and 1 8-hour day... with all the negative energy swirling around... I just feel dead. And I get to back tomorrow morning!!!! Yipee! (ugh..) Thankfully I set aside time to book an appointment with my therapist. Since starting this new job I've had real trouble setting aside a time to actually meet with her. So she knows like NONE of all this crazy stuff going on. It's been like over a month since I've last spoken to her. I know I am not lazy. I work very hard. Yet I can't help but feel pathetic that I feel THIS drained after what most people would consider just a normal work week. Now I know most people don't deal with mental illness and aren't as sensitive to negativity and other people's stress as I am... but still. I can't seem to get calm enough to just be still. My mind is just clouded with too much negativity for that to happen. If only I had like a valve to let loose some of the things inside my head. That would make life so much simpler..
  11. Hey guys, First time here. I'm wondering if anyone else has disclosed their MI to their job. I work for a big corporation and my boss said verbatim "it's impossible to get fired from here if you disclose a mental issue" is it f-ed up of me to want to disclose to HR that I have a (long) diagnosed mental illness. The thing is, I would definitely be much better at my job if I didn't have mental issues which cause me to space out for a day at a time from time to time. Has anyone else had experience with this? I specifically have been diagnosed with primarily GAD but also issues with depression and mild hypomania. I just got a new pdoc and I'm not sure how able he would be to provide evidence but my previous one has PLENTY of evidence. thanks~
  12. Today I had a total breakdown at work. I'm talking ugly crying while my boss held me before sending me home to "rest". There's been some staffing issues and I've had to take on a lot of extra responsibilities so I think the stress finally pushed me over the edge. Right before I had this weird experience where it was like everyone was speaking in slow motion or maybe I was thinking slowly? I don't know. I could barely follow a normal conversation and completely blanked out at one point (just a minute or two but still). Afterwards I could tell that I had still been working during this time but I didn't remember completing it. Then it was like I could hear mumbling and indistinct whispers that were so loud it was hard to focus on the actual people in front of me. I'm not sure if I was hallucinating or having an anxiety attack or some combination. Has anyone else had any episodes at work or other public places? I am beyond embarrassed to show my face again after this melt down. There's a difference between someone knowing you have a mental illness and seeing the reality. Anyone have any advice on how to deal?
  13. It can be very confusing to know that you won’t find a decent job, pay off student loans or put in a down payment on a house in the next few years — even though you may have graduated from a top-tier university or secured glowing references from all those unpaid internships that got you to where you are today. Even if you are lucky enough to have all of this going for you, you’ll still be one among hundreds of applicants for every job you apply for. And you’ll still watch as the world becomes more unequal, with fewer paid opportunities to do what you feel called to do in your work or for your life path. What’s more, you won’t find much help from your friends because most (if not all) of them are going through the same thing. This is a painful and difficult time that is impacting all of us at once. There will be people who tell you it’s your fault. That you aren’t trying hard enough. But those people are culprits in perpetuating a great lie of this period in history. The standard assumptions for how to be successful in life a few decades ago simply do not apply anymore. The guilt and shame you feel is the mental disease of late-stage capitalism. Embrace this truth and set yourself free. The Pain You Feel is Capitalism Dying
  14. I started a new med cocktail and it felt like my anxiety got overwhelming better overnight. Overall I feel so much better but I can NOT focus on work. It's like I forgot how to do what I do. I want to go home and stare at a wall. It's gotten better since Friday but still. Today has felt 12 hours long.
  15. I have a dilemma: My boyfriend wants me to work, but I'm in school full time, schizophrenic, and my psychiatrist thinks working is a really bad idea. In fact, she said she was upset with me that I was considering working again, because every time I do, it triggers psychotic symptoms. I need to work. I need the money, even though I have disability. Or at least that's what my boyfriend insists. I don't know if I should resent him for pushing me (when I've explained what my doctor said), or push myself harder to succeed in employment. Any suggestions? Experiences? -utherwerldgerl
  16. I recently started reporting to someone new at work and I got in trouble for coming in late too often. My previous manager and I had a system of communication and she knew the severity of my conditions and was ok as long as I kept her informed, which I always did. Geodon is all that keeps me out of in-patient but it makes me CRAZY drugged-feeling unpredictably in the mornings no matter what time I take it or what my dosage is. I feel like I've tried every combination possible. It doesn't happen every day and I've tried really looking at other factors to try and isolate why it happens when it does but it's been this way for years and I can't predict it. So I'm doing a relatively fast taper off Geodon to not be late to work and in that regard it's worked - I'm not sleeping much so I've been early to work all week, but I'm a mess and feel like I need to be in-patient already. I'm so paranoid, I have tremors, I'm cycling between hot and cold, and did I mention SO paranoid? :( My anxiety is through the roof and I don't even feel like I can do my job right now even though I haven't missed any deadlines. I'm having those feelings like everyone/thing is out to get me and I'm one second away from being fired no matter what I say or do. I talked to HR and they've told me we'll have a meeting on Monday but everyone's out of town tomorrow for a company-wide event. They said in the meantime not to worry about it. I'm crying in my cubicle writing this. I'm waiting for my doctor to call me back but I can't leave for an emergency appointment and I can't take anything that makes me sleepy. I'm not covered yet by FMLA because I've only been here 6 months. I like it here, I'm good at my job, etc. but I feel like I'm under a cloud of horrific panic/anxiety and I can't distract myself. Has anyone else had to go through this? My worst fear is this going on for a long time, I've been back on the drug for a while. I feel sick to my stomach and I'm just faking being ok.
  17. I'm not really looking for advice or anything. I just need to put these thoughts down somewhere in the hopes that it will help me work through this. My pdoc wants to switch my meds because mine aren't working anymore. That's fine but my dream job just came up and I got it. That in itself is okay - a little scary at a time when I need to change meds but not necessarily unsurmountable. In addition to that, I have my grandmother at home and she's really old and to take the job I need to find someone to stay with her. I have some people but they have schedules so I have to juggle their schedules to make sure I have coverage. When I read this as though someone else wrote it - it looks challenging but doable but in my head it's just overwhelming. Also as I read this I get this feeling that the series of circumstances in my life make me identifiable and someone from work will read this and know it's me. That in itself is a whole other issue. The minute chance that someone would read this and know my identity is very improbable and if they did - so what? Except that then I'd have the MI stigma to deal with at work too. That in itself is kind of amusing because I'm the one who advocates for others with MI at work so if I want to talk the talk, I'd better walk the walk. Oh man, I'm rambling. I'm gonna need a blog soon.
  18. OMFG I typed a shit ton and accidentally swiped the bluetooth mouse and the whole thing disappeared. So TECH SUCKS. Surgeons suck, especially when they don't listen to me and do things and then accuse me of abusing narcotic painkillers. Seriously?! Rich asshole, listen up. Had morphine 3X in my life, all three in the hospital when I was in blinding ass pass-out level pain. I don't take painkillers on the whole because they don't fucking work on me anyway. Plus they have this dumbassed arrogant attitude that gives them the moxie to tell me, this is a complication free procedure, what you're describing can't be happening. Well tell that to the ER doc who took one look at my knee and calf and drained 200 cc of blood out of it and tells me its a fucking normal complication, rare, but it can happen. Surgeon ends up next day draining 120CC blood out of my knee that filled up again in seven hours—and yells at me because he gives me the smallest single hit of lidocaine [sIC] so I'm climbing up the damned walls in pain. I usually can't do locals because I can take like ten doses and still feel every goddamned thing they're doing. But he uses that as a basis to tell That Woman I Live With I'm a drug abuser. Awesome. Surgeons can really suck. It took me four weeks to get the surgery— two weeks over the 100% rapid recovery outcome for a dude my age with that injury. All because some rich asshole on a medical group's insurance panel says, it's not medically necessary. Seriously dipshit?! I RUN for a living. It's my fucking JOB. So insurance people suck too. Anyway, being injured for two months and another 4-6 weeks in PT & rehabbing the knee I should be able to go back to work just in time for league finals and HS season. Yay! An entire season without income also SUCKS! (more so when you suddenly have to hire a defense atty to protect your son). So I had even more "free time" to work on the fiction author stuff. One of the four novels is a stretch piece. I've never written a Romance or Erotic Romance before. I did an initial round of queries to pubs, get the ole chestnut, 'love your work send us more... but this one we can't use right now.' yay. Whatevs. stock and trade. Not that big of a deal. But I want this thing out there and off my shoulders. So I want to go the indie route but I need an indie editor. I need some beta readers too because I've been celibate against my will for 14 years so I have no fucking idea beyond my research (reading a shit ton of other people's EroRom work) what's "hot" to the median 39yo female reader and fan of EroRom. I friend who's a copy editor some how decides after like a year of my going on about this friggin story asks me for the logline. I pitch it. She loved it. turns out she's a huge fan of EroRom. Her guilty pleasure YAY! progress, finally! Chapter 3 is the big rip roaring floor furniture and chandelier chapter. and I have no idea if it's laughable or legit. She gets to the end of Chapter two and her life blows up. OFFS. So I get 8 beta readers. mostly not the demographic and only two admitted EroRom readers. One person stops at chap 1 and says, hate it. Awesome I figure I got 7 others and two I really need to listen to. Weeks, months go by. I send inquires of them. SILENCE. So betas readers who say they want to read and don't and don't even have the moxie to say, I can't do it just totally SUCK too. The other three novels and now five shorts over the summer I have regular betas for. Suddenly this week as I'm ready to send them stuff they've been asking for all summer as I worked text me and say, 'sorry, I'm out, my life blew up (divorce dead parent, etc.).' Aw fuck. What can you do, right? So a friend at a Con says, hey I know this editor who's between things and she loves your work. Awesome. I contact her. She gets back to me and says, I'll do it, but right now I have three friends dying of cancer in MT, VA and PA. Hopefully by December but I definitely want to do it. YAY.... December. I have four novels, five stories I'll have completely editor ready by Oct 1st. Sure I'll still be pounding out content in the meantime, I'm a workaholic and I work around the clock since I can't work games until my knee is 100%. But the shorts could be out there now if I had the editorial support that I lost. At least one of the novels could be out there too. The production plan was Oct 1st but everyone's lives blew up. That totally fucking SUCKS. Oh yeah, my website disappears on me, and the ISP domain host can't figure it out and when I tried to reupload it something weird happened and it's inaccessible. Awesome. I meet with a designer friend who said four months ago she could help with the platform tech. YAY. This week she says she's retiring "to follow her bliss." Jeebiz fuck me. Now that I've wasted an hour writing this rant, I better get back to work. When the dam finally breaks I don't want to be all, 'uh, i bailed out.' I just have no one to talk to so... yeah.
  19. I am extremely concerned about this. My depression has gotten out of control lately and I find myself crying almost all of the time everyday which is not normal for me. It is agonizing to me. I tell my husband that I just need extra affection and to be extra sensitive. However, he says that him doing that doesn't seem to help and has started getting frustrated with me and often has an attitude toward me when I get upset or acts angry or as if he doesn't care. I told him that him acting that way toward me will only make it worse, and while doing the things I asked may not make it go away, it will help me feel comforted and get through this rough part easier than with him acting this way to me. Unfortunately, I need therapy. Medication alone isn't helping, but because of our work and school schedules, it is impossible for me to ever get the chance to go for a long time. The only places I have time to go to is class on his days off and to get anything we may need on the way home. My classes also last from early morning until evening. The other part of the strain is that we do not spend much time together. This isn't by choice either, we both hate it. He works two jobs to be able to pay the bills living pay check to pay check. He works night shifts full time and during the day at his other job with only a few hours of sleep inbetween. On his days off, are the days I have class so he can watch our son since we cannot afford a babysitter or childcare, nor do we have any friends or family that live close enough to help us, even sometimes. So our time together is very brief, and often consumed by our son. Since we have no one to watch him, we never get time to ourselves, which we have both expressed we want very badly. For a while, we could see the light at the end of the tunnel. He started getting trained for a management position so he could only have to work one job. We would get to be together more and that would put less stress on both of us. Maybe even get an occasional babysitter too. However, because he works two jobs, it takes quite the toll on him. Because of this, his boss says he is not giving him the promotion because of his lack of focus and inconsistency. Sadly, that won't change until he gets promoted or another job that pays enough for only one job. At the same time, he won't get promoted unless it does change. It is vicious cycle and I know it greatly disappointed him more. I was also very upset because this means we have to continue living like this, so miserable. I'm at a loss of how to handle or cope with this.
  20. I've got an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but I need to vent because I'm freaking out. I apologize in advance for the long post. If even one person reads it all it will help me. I'm a software engineer and I've been at the same job at a big company for 5 years now. In that time, I've always done well and got a promotion last year. Over the summer, I had somewhat of a breakdown. Horrible anxiety, worst of my life, major depression. I took six weeks of disability and went to a day treatment program. Ever since I've gotten back to work, I still have residual anxiety and depression. My confidence is shot. But they've been very supportive. The problem is, I'm stuck working with old technology. My job is pretty secure, I think. But I fear if I stay here much longer it's going to hurt my career because I won't have relevant experience anymore. So if I got laid off I wouldn't be able to find another job. So I've started to look elsewhere. I always get emails from recruiters and I usually say "no thanks, I'm happy where I am" but I've started looking into some jobs. One problem I'm having is that I think I went for way too many positions. I've had four phone interviews, and four in-person interviews scheduled. Plus two other companies want to phone screen me. I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life. I am getting calls and emails from recruiters multiple times a day trying to set all this up. I don't know how to balance it. What if one company makes me an offer sooner, and by taking it I give up a better opportunity that I might have gotten? Are you still with me? I know this sounds like a humble brag but I can assure you it's not. My stomach has been in knots for days, I feel like I'm going to throw up whenever my phone rings and I don't recognize the number. My second problem is a fear of failure. Despite the lack of growth at my current job, I have 5 years of good performance and a good relationship with my manager. I feel like my job is pretty safe for these reasons. As I said, my confidence is shot to ribbons lately. My fear is that I get one of these jobs, and I can't handle it. At the new job, I'm new and unproven. I fail hard, and get fired. How can I ever hope to recover from that blow? My self-worth would reach an all-time low. In short, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. One one hand I can strike out with a new job but face failure. On the other hand I stay with my "safe" job and let my career stagnate. I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I can't sleep at night and can't focus at work. My hands are shaking as I type this. If you made it all the way to the end, thank you so much for listening.
  21. So I graduated college with a paralegal diploma last year. Toward the end of the program, I realized that I was in over my head, and wouldn't be able to hack a career in this industry. I finished the program, however to at least have a completed education. Now, it looks like I will have to get part-time, supported employment through the Canadian Mental Health Association in the retail sector. Somehow, I don't know why, I feel really bad about that. My brother and sister are really successful. These are the kinds of jobs that Ive heard my friends make fun of in the past. I want to feel good about it, but I just don't know how to frame it, what to tell myself so that I can accept it all. Im wondering if any of you out there have had to take an undream job because of MI, and how you've made peace with it? Please help.
  22. Cream colored dildos with silicone dinglies, men that give me all sorts of nice tinglies, bright neon lingerie with uncomf'table strings, these are a few of my favorite things ......... Ouch! All the crotch bites, when the dongs stink, when I'm getting mad, I simply remember my favorite porn and then I don't feel SO BAD!!!!
  23. Hi crazies (lol), I've been on your website recently and found the information and sense of community quite inspiring. Well, I'm a 17 year old high school senior with major depressive disorder... that's about it i guess, that's all I've got. Obvious symptoms of a mood disorder surfaced at 14 years old, but now that I know more about mental health i realize that I was probably very different in the way I think from early childhood. Two years ago my family saw that my mood was become a problem and starting to affect my life so they made me go to our general practitioner and from there I referred to a psychiatrist, whom I am still currently with. I was hospitalized three times in three months back in mid 2013 for suicidal thoughts and intentions, self harm... and other usual stuff that we all go through here (stay strong together (: ). There has been some debate on the diagnosis which may explain why nothing has worked thus far. I was once given a diagnosis of bipolar 2 and bipolar NOS and doctors were treating me accordingly. However, after my most recent hospitalization the diagnosis is now MDD, but I think all of us (including the doctors) are a bit confused as to what exactly is wrong with me. So yeah, that's where I am now... in a long stalemate of doctor giving medications and me staring at them hoping one day one of them will work. I realize this is getting long so I'm done now thanks for reading if you did .
  24. So. I have no idea where I should be posting this, but I guess this is as good a place as any. I have screwed up some work-stuff so bad, I have no idea how to even begin to "fix" it or even how to tell about it to anyone. I'm at a point where I can't think about going back to work (I've been on vacation over the holidays) or even leave my apartment. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it would concern only me, and that I could just say "ok, I fucked up, I'm sorry"... but it's not. It concerns a whole bunch of people at my work, and on top of that, makes the whole company look bad in front of our customers and everyone else. I don't know what to do.
  25. Hi, everyone. I have not been formally diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. However, while Googling info on how to handle criticism, I kept running into Avoidant Personality Disorder. I understand that not being able to handle criticism is not the only criteria. However, after looking at the criteria for the disorder, I feel I may qualify, although I think it is not as severe as it may be for others I have never had many friends-especially close friends. I consider all of my current "friends" as acquaintances. I have had 2 best friends in the 43 years I have been alive and 2 boyfriends. I ended up marrying the second one (who is a great person). I have always felt that I do not know how to deal with people and that I must be doing something wrong. I have pretty much been a loner. Not because I consciously choose to, but it always ends up that way. I do not mingle at social gatherings. I used to escape to fantasy books up until I got married. I have always had a fear of public speaking which has gotten better within the last 2 years--not sure why. I have learned to deal with not having friends and enjoy being a semi-loner. I love my husband and we have a great relationship. We have a lovely daughter. I occasionally go out to lunch with 2 of my acquaintances, but this only happens every 2-4 months. I have always HATED criticism. It makes my heart pound. I get a sinking feeling almost close to fainting. I know that the comments are not directed at me personally and is only meant to help, but I am always devastated. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and am being treated for that, but for some reason the above topics (except being lonely) never came up. I don't feel that my case is severe enough to require therapy, as I seem to be coping pretty well. I managed to get through college and just competed Graduate school so I can teach English as a Second Language. Not the most friendly position for me, but I really enjoy languages and meeting people from other countries.My most recent incident with criticism was through my volunteer work with ESL. The instructor asked me to move around the room to work with the students rather than just sitting with some of the students. A reasonable request and I appreciated that she made the request in writing, as that reduces the devastation somewhat. However, I still was angry and hurt. So my question is has anyone come up with any coping mechanisms for dealing with criticism? Thanks. Sandra
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