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so i was going batshit sitting in my apartment. i had been out on disability from august 2019 - february 2020, returned to work in feb to find that my role had been eliminated and i had 30 days to find a new job before i was laid off. found a new job 2 days before separation, but then days later we started going into lockdown and the offer wound up being rescinded. so i took a pt job as an essential employee. this was a very bad decision. my social anxiety does not play well with retail. i thought having somewhere to go would help manage my depression, but it's just stirred up my anxiety instead. i can't quit or i lose my unemployment. and while i continue to search for a new full time job, the pickins' are slim. so i am here as a cautionary tale, LOL

otherwise, i have been struggling. seriously struggling. this year saw the ending of a 3 year toxic relationship, a move to  new home, and the loss of my job, twice, a surgery and covid. thank god they re-started me on meds while i was out on disability for ptsd / fibro or i would not be making it through this. 

mostly i have been eating and binging netflix. maybe not as good as exercising and journaling and being creative, etc etc etc ... but it's keeping me out of my head and i think right now that's triage. i have been trying to read, but i have no focus and concentration. buying more books on credit on amazon has not helped solve this problem.🙄

looking for a job actually takes up a fair amount of my time, but it is so depressing to keep getting rejected. i had a phone interview the other day and  i failed miserably bc i have huge phone phobia. i become almost completely inarticulate. maybe before this is over i will get over it, but it doesn't look that way. for some reason being on the phone flips me out. 

i actually HAVE been exercising more because i am just that bored. which is helpful in many ways. i am rationalizing the weight gain, telling myself that muscle weighs more than fat. riiiiiiiight. lol

that's the other thing i have been doing, cooking which before covid i really didn't do. i am surprising myself when things come out well. i made the most awesome chili and was just flabbergasted how delicious it was. my freezer is full of food that i made (i am single and can only eat so much and make so little) but i have a bit of a food hoarding issue. history of eating disorders which are kind of at bay right now but i am definitely feeling them dancing on the periphery. 

i am thinking about writing though. this might be the best thing to do. it will make me feel like i have *done* something other than stare at my toes in a lawn chair, completely spaced out and in overwhelm. posting here is a start to that end.

i am super depressed and having a hard time doing ANYTHING that i used to find enjoyable.  so here are the things that i want to do:

  • read
  • write
  • crochet / knit
  • hike (but ew the people)
  • plant flowers in the yard where i rent
  • yoga
  • meditate (ok that's a lie i don't want to but i know it would be good for me)

i guess that's it for now. maybe i am just boring. other people are doing all kinds of creative things with their time. i'm just trying not to drown.

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Posted (edited)

I feel like I've become completely useless since this began.  I always thought I'd I had more free time I would write and be creative.  Instead I've become completely useless.  I sit and stare at the wall a lot.  I don't exercise either- so you have one up on me.  If you wonder why you're not doing better during this time, you aren't the only one.

Trying not to drown is a good way to describe it.

Edited by Complicated toad
Typo

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I seem to accomplish nothing at home and I really hate that. I wish I knew how to motivate myself. I make lists but do nothing on them. 
 

@WytchyWoman for some reason I have phone issues but do ok on speakerphone or video.  Well, usually—but at least it’s better than before. Very inconvenient. 

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18 hours ago, Complicated toad said:

I feel like I've become completely useless since this began.  I always thought I'd I had more free time I would write and be creative.  Instead I've become completely useless.  I sit and stare at the wall a lot.  I don't exercise either- so you have one up on me.  If you wonder why you're not doing better during this time, you aren't the only one.

Trying not to drown is a good way to describe it.

i remember when i was in DBT skills group they really stressed how having structure and routine is imperative for people with borderline. i've since proven to *not* have that dx, but it's always stuck with me bc i get completely lost inside my own head without it. it's like the world becomes too big, so i shut down bc i can't deal. when i have to focus on a thing, it makes things better, but when i don't have to do jack? i could wander around in circles for days. 

the thing that makes me feel so much better in all of this is that neurotypical folks are all screwed up by this. so i figure i am not doing that bad to be screwed up too. i think in some ways we have it easier bc we we have been training for this. we know what MI looks like. we know what to do to make it better. the fact that the world is so much crazier than our own minds right now is a really good flippin reason for us to be so overwhelmed by it all we can do is navel gaze. so i would invite us all to have some compassion for ourselves. i think we're doing pretty damn good if we are able to do anything at all at this point. honestly i think sitting and staring at a wall is a perfectly reasonable response to everything that's been going on. maybe we can just say we're meditating and it will sound better. 🤣

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14 minutes ago, sugarsugar said:

I seem to accomplish nothing at home and I really hate that. I wish I knew how to motivate myself. I make lists but do nothing on them. 
 

@WytchyWoman for some reason I have phone issues but do ok on speakerphone or video.  Well, usually—but at least it’s better than before. Very inconvenient. 

hey! you're making lists! that's a thing as far as i see it. maybe motivation is something we can find later. before i started this job i was in that place where i had no idea when the last time was that i had showered. i would get lost in my own apartment getting up to get a drink of water. i've been very much of the mindset of going easy on myself, but when i really want to get something accomplished i try and tell someone else i am going to do a thing.  there's something about that that gives me accountability and helps me motivate more.

i was trying to figure the phone thing out the other day, i think for me it's bc there are no visual cues, i can't know how to act if i can't read the room. so that starts winding up my anxiety. i am actually totally fine on zoom, which i thought would have freaked me out completely. 

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