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I was told "I miss the old you". Translation: they miss the drinking partying hypersexual manic me who zipped through life without a care. I just don't trust myself to be that person anymore. I'd rather be boring and grounded. When you meet someone while manic and then get your shit together, you do seem to be a different person. Others can't believe the stories they hear about me because it's so different than the me of today. Just thinking out loud. 

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Did they know that you're bipolar? It's a pretty damn shitty thing to say to someone anyway -  "I liked you more in the past" - but especially shitty to say to someone with bipolar. You could reply "Why yes! My mood goes up and down to such an extent that I might seem like different person sometimes. You, on the other hand, are unfortunately stuck with being the same fucking arsehole every day."

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That is seriously messed up. I don't doubt that there are people who were once in my life who feel that way about me, but they aren't in my life anymore. I'd rather be boring and grounded, too. I doubt you're actually boring, though.

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Yes, especially the carefree hypersexual me. I’m sure I don’t want to go back. If some people want the old version, I need to wonder why they even bring it up. That’s not a very helpful type comment. 

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Do you miss the old you?

How fond of, how close to, these thoughtless people are you? Did you know them before they knew Episode HR? Do they have an investment in your health, or is the relationship based more around partying?

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I dreamt tonight of the old me. Woke up in a real blues, had breakfast with my wife but am back to bed in a kind of depressed stupor. I think it's going to lift in an hour or so. But to the topic.

The old me was fierce, hypercritical, expected my friends to expect the most of me and not hold punches otherwise and I was the same. I spoke very fast and very articulately. (Now I slur my syllables somewhat.) I was extremely rationalistic. Overall really sharp, if that makes sense.

A decade-plus of meds changed my whole personality. I'm mellower, happier overall, more sexual. But I'm also prone to valuing irrational, from-the-guts thinking, and magic thinking to some extent. I bluff about my productivity at work but come through 98% of times. Old me would have anxiety doing this, wouldn't trust his general tendency for getting things done once he hunkers down and powers through. 

In some ways I think the world was deprived of something. I'm happy, mellow, my wife and workmates can depend on me. But I also have lost a kind of ambition. I'm happy doing maths on my whiteboard at home, I don't need to get to something that people would find valuable in a research paper. So with my music, my robots, my writing. It's like there's a reality show vibe to my life. Not because people are watching, on the contrary, but because a reality show is time-bounded and I feel like I'm living as if I'm time-bounded. I'm going to die anywhere between 65 and 80 anyway. Why not just enjoy life while I can.

Old me was immortal.

 

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