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My husband and I - who NEVER fight - had a fight last night.  He'd been in the kitchen replacing the bag in the litter locker (for cats) and for whatever reason took the litter box scoop and put it on the stove.  On TOP OF MY PASTA STIRRER.  I eat pasta like once a day!  

I discovered this when we were both in the kitchen tidying and I wanted to clean the litter box.  

I LOST it.  It's just SO gross, and if he'd moved it eventually, I would've used the pasta stirrer without knowing it.  I still am disgusted.  

I know he did it without thinking.  But oh my.  

Anyways, I yelled and swore and he got angry I was yelling at him, so yelled back.  

We worked through it and we're fine now - made up within 30 minutes.  

My BFF said, he's depressed, he's probably just on autopilot, it wasn't deliberate.

Which is true.  Am I in the wrong then?  I guess I should've approached this differently.  I was just so shocked.  And I'm not exactly perfect mentally right now either.  Having small mini cycles.  

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At this point it doesn’t really matter who’s wrong or right. As long as the fight is over you can just move on. He probably won’t be doing what he did a second time. It was gross though.

I learned early on in marriage to pick my battles and if it’s a minor issue, it’s best to just hold my tongue and let it go (I’m not a particularly resentful person so I don’t hold grudges). Very few things are worth starting a fight over. 

 

 

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You're right.  I have a lot of trouble letting stuff go.  We truly are fine - snuggled, walked the dogs, everything's normal...until I told my BFF about it and got upset all over again.  

I think I was just meaning, how much slack do I have to give a depressed person?  I guess I'm not giving enough.  He is hugely supportive of me (even when I had homicidal ideation) and I want to be AS supportive back.  I feel bad I'm not.

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Posted (edited)

I feel like you can give slack to a person who is having mental problems while still maintaining boundaries that are important to your physical(cat poop)/mental health and then you will have more reserves for you both.  I think it is tough.  I am sorry.  I have problems with figuring this out, too.  My partner has some mental issues as well as physical and it helped some asking what he needed because I really didn't know what was really essential for his support and where he was really struggling day to day because it changes.  He is upset sometimes because I am not communicative enough when I am having functional problems.  He has had to really encourage me to ask for specific help.  We sometimes have tiffs when we are less functional because it is super stressful when nobody can take care of what needs to be done and we are stretched thin, make mistakes, and feel super guilty.  

I have no idea if any of that helps, but I guess I wanted to say that I relate to both sides. 

Edited by Banana Smurf

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Thanks @Banana Smurf - I'm sorry you relate but it's nice not to be alone.  I find my husband lets things get bad because he doesn't recognize they've gone so far.  We both do that.  I think we're also grumpier right now with COVID that makes both of us testier.  

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we are certainly getting on each others nerves and I get lost in my head and do similar things

which totally annoy Transgester.  I hope I would not put the cat poop scooper on the stove.

That truly is gross. lol  but we are in a similar place and this staying home is tiresome

I take my dog outside a lot

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Posted (edited)

We both tend to do that, too.  We are both pretty grumpy people in general, but his dad is having heart issues in the middle of this mess, so we've been pretty edgy.  It is hard to keep in mind to stay relaxed with everything going on, and I find it hard to let things go, too, but it is kind of nice to work everything out, and tell the other person that you know that they're going through some stuff or be told that, and explain what's going on, and work on whoever's needs aren't getting met.  It can be kind of supportive in the end a lot for us, or I don't really feel like fair fights are always negative or right/wrong?  I always feel so guilty, though, no matter who is mad.  

Edited by Banana Smurf

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It's hard for us, because I'm working from home so am home ALL THE TIME and I'm a bit of an extrovert so it drives me bonkers.  Ladybug, clearly I need to walk the dogs more!  Toby is an introvert who works retail and finds the whole dealing with the public thing stressful.  

I think you're right though Banana, getting upset sometimes let us get to the bottom of issues and we can support each other that way.

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, jarn said:

You're right.  I have a lot of trouble letting stuff go.  We truly are fine - snuggled, walked the dogs, everything's normal...until I told my BFF about it and got upset all over again.  

I think I was just meaning, how much slack do I have to give a depressed person?  I guess I'm not giving enough.  He is hugely supportive of me (even when I had homicidal ideation) and I want to be AS supportive back.  I feel bad I'm not.

My husband went through a deep depression 2 and a half years ago and it was the first time I had to take care of him. The depression lasted for 2 solid years. It made him irritable all the time and he had black and white thinking about everything. He mostly just laid in bed and did nothing when he got home from work and on the weekends. 

It was probably the biggest test our marriage has faced aside from my psychotic episodes. I just kept saying in my head over and over "this will pass, you just have to get through another day, you can do this... just be there for him and listen to him as best you can." Sometimes I had to do that all day long. I had moments where I broke and snapped at him, but somehow I kept my shit together for 2 years and got through it. I managed to get him into a therapist and I would come with him to every session at first to make sure he talked. He didn't mind me coming. Eventually we just made it so I checked in at the beginning of his appointments to make sure I shared what I had been observing and then I'd leave him alone for the rest of the appointment. I'll add that I also convinced him to try medication which did help some (though not hugely).

I guess my best advice is to work your hardest just to be a constant for him, be a good listener, and know when to back off and give him his space. Don't take anything personally either. Even if it's super hurtful. It's not about you. 

Edited by saintalto

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Good advice, thanks saint.  I have successfully gotten him into therapy (CBT so he's not going anymore) and on meds.  He was really badly depressed 18 months ago and nearly lost his job (he chose to move into a less stressful position) and that's when I told him he needed to tell his pdoc that he needs a bigger change then what they'd been doing - and some outside of the box thinking - so in addition to raising the wellbutrin they added lamotrigine - and I told him one of the conditions of switching jobs would be that he had to go to therapy and develop some coping skills.  I hadn't realized how much it was affecting his performance.  I guess when I see him everyday  get used to stuff?  And I didn't know what he was like at work.  I'm trying to check in regularly.  

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