Agitated depression

[GrannyG81]

Anyone else out there who gets Anxiety/Agitation with there depression??

A little background...I remember getting depressed as far back as when i was 16..Back then it was more low mood and staying in bed all day...No desire to really do anything and a dark cloud type feeling...It would be quite transisent...Throughout my life i'd say i've always had a undercurrent of depression..Its always been there lurking under the surface...I've had maybe 2 Major Episodes of depression..By that i mean like whats described in the DSM..One was when i was drinking and one was about 5-6 years ago..These episodes tend to be very mixed...I'm extremely anxious yet depressed (Low mood etc) I'm very agitated and impatient..Its like i have a complete Rage with the whole universe...And my moods tend to change really rapid..I can be sad one minute angry the next...I'll also get these very very brief periods were i'll feel a sense of calm that will last literally a minute then i'll be angry/sad again...Its a bit like a little bit of sunshine shines through a dark cloud only for the dark cloud to conceal it again...

Why am i writing this?? I'm just venting out thoughts in my head..This place gives me a outlet to get out the shit thats floating in between my ears...I live alone and dont talk about my MH to anyone really so here gives me a platform to vent with people who understand..

Right now i'm in a depression...I packed my job in the other week..I've not made any plans on when/if i'll return...I'm just auto piloting through life..I'm getting really anxious also..I've had lots of depersonalization..Especially today...Because i'm used to this i just put up with it..Which is no way to live..You could say i'm functionally depressed...If theres such a thing? Anyhow thanks for listening

[0112358]

I've definitely had anxiety, agitation, and irritability along with depression - both as part of the depression and as part of a mixed state.

There's certainly such a thing as functionally depressed, but it doesn't mean that your depression isn't as bad or worse as people who are more obviously suffering/impaired.

[Iceberg]

ive had some pretty epic rage meltdowns in the context of depression. Yes, definitely a thing 

[Banana Smurf]

My depressions are usually more on the irritable, agitated, restless side.  

Anxiety is a prominent issue most of the time for me.  It gets kind of querulous and grumpy when I'm depressed, though.  

Edited July 26, 2020 by Banana Smurf

[Catnapper]

I definitely get bouts of intense rage during depressive episodes. They don't last long, maybe an hour, sometimes a whole day, but always short-lived. When I'm well, I'm on a much more even keel. But when I'm depressed and get pissed off at something or someone, I scream my head off in private, and I live alone so I have the freedom to do so. I've never screamed at anyone, but if someone is infuriating me, such as someone on the phone, I am polite and understanding while on the phone and then when I hang up, I just lose it. This also happens when I'm out and if someone gets under my skin, for instance at the bank, I wait until I'm back in my car and then yell until I feel a bit of relief. 

My pdoc, who I also see weekly for therapy, seems very concerned when I tell him about these episodes. During one memorable one that happened in my parked car, if I'd had the means with me, I would have killed myself, no question. That, of course, is what's concerning to my pdoc. We've talked about it and both realize those are really dangerous moments for me. Luckily they don't last long and don't happen that often.

[Complicated toad]

On 7/22/2020 at 1:12 PM, GrannyG81 said:

This place gives me a outlet to get out the shit thats floating in between my ears...I live alone and dont talk about my MH to anyone really so here gives me a platform to vent with people who understand..

Same reason I show up, I live with people but it's hard for them to understand (they say - you need to try harder to think positive.  Um, it doesn't work that way.  If I could get out of this with happy thoughts I'd have done it years ago).  

I have depression that simmers under the surface a lot of the time.  Sometimes agitated and anxious, sometimes drained of energy and don't care.  But I have been functional for a lot of years which makes people understand less.  If I can do the things I need to do I can't be that bad off.  Truth is, we are bad off we are just really good at hiding it.  I don't talk to many people and don't share a lot so no one usually knows when it's bad.  Being such a good actor can be tiring.

I like what you said about an outlet to get out the shit between your ears.  Often I feel better just reading what other people post because it validates that what I feel is a real thing and other people experience the same.

[GrannyG81]

On 7/28/2020 at 4:46 AM, Complicated toad said:

Sometimes agitated and anxious, sometimes drained of energy and don't care.

Thats how i am at the moment...Just dont care,everythings a effort..I'm also feeling very irritable/Aggitated along with it..

 

On 7/28/2020 at 4:46 AM, Complicated toad said:

But I have been functional for a lot of years which makes people understand less.

Same here..MH is just something i dont talk about..Unless its with someone who also has MH issues...I just cant do with peoples ignorance around it..

 

On 7/28/2020 at 4:46 AM, Complicated toad said:

Truth is, we are bad off we are just really good at hiding it.

That hit home..I've become so used to My Mental health Symptoms over such a long period of time that its just normal life...But its not normal and i should not accept it as normal....One issue for me is that the very thing there to help me (Medication) is the very thing i've developed a severe phobia of...I've been offered "tools" to combat my symptoms yet i'm scared to try it..How fucked up is that !

 

On 7/28/2020 at 4:46 AM, Complicated toad said:

Being such a good actor can be tiring.

Agreed 100%

 

On 7/28/2020 at 4:46 AM, Complicated toad said:

I like what you said about an outlet to get out the shit between your ears.  Often I feel better just reading what other people post because it validates that what I feel is a real thing and other people experience the same.

I spend most of my time just observing around this forum...Sometimes i then just think fuck it..I need to get what ever off my chest..Or sometimes i just want interaction with people in the same boat..Thanks for responding..A lot of what you have said resonates with me..

[GrannyG81]

Thanks everyone for your Imput @0112358

@Iceberg

@Banana Smurf
@Catnapper

@Complicated toad

Edited July 29, 2020 by GrannyG81

[Catnapper]

On 7/27/2020 at 11:46 PM, Complicated toad said:

Same reason I show up, I live with people but it's hard for them to understand (they say - you need to try harder to think positive.  Um, it doesn't work that way.  If I could get out of this with happy thoughts I'd have done it years ago).  

I have depression that simmers under the surface a lot of the time.  Sometimes agitated and anxious, sometimes drained of energy and don't care.  But I have been functional for a lot of years which makes people understand less.  If I can do the things I need to do I can't be that bad off.  Truth is, we are bad off we are just really good at hiding it.  I don't talk to many people and don't share a lot so no one usually knows when it's bad.  Being such a good actor can be tiring.

I like what you said about an outlet to get out the shit between your ears.  Often I feel better just reading what other people post because it validates that what I feel is a real thing and other people experience the same.

 

I agree with everything you said, Complicated toad. I have a few very close friends that actually understand that when I say I'm sick, they believe it, and I never get the. "Oh, just snap out of it!" response. I traveled a lot for work so these friends are all in different states, and we don't talk all the time, but when we do I can (mostly) speak my heart. It was very validating when one of them recently said, "I'll never really understand depression." But hearing her say that made me feel like she understands me. Since they're not here, I don't think they realize my complete lack of activity outside of work, and I never want to freak them out or upset them, so I never discuss suicide with them. I save those conversations for my pdoc.

As far as functioning, when I'm well, it's easy, and when I'm not, it's a pure act and completely fucking exhausting. As in, I get to work, come home (I live alone), read the paper a little bit and crash. On the weekends, I just stay in bed. This forum is a godsend.  

 

[wookie]

I had a severe episode of agitated depression/anxiety in my youth, and consistent anxiety and fluctuating depression from age 30 until now. 

As a teen I was depressed with a lot of energy.  I remember a friend commenting on how I can't sit still.  I couldn't.  I felt like I had to move to accommodate my internal energy.  A lot of major life stressors caused the state as a teen but it carried on into a few episodes, and it sometimes almost seems like it's partly my permanent state in some way.

Edited August 18, 2020 by wookie