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Today I heard something that really hurt me and at the same time was a relief.

Back in January I had a meeting with the OH doctor about my Depression and how it affects me at work. Since then my line manager has consulted with HR.

Today I had a meeting with my line manager and someone from HR.

Basically, from the week of 11th April, I'll be on 'back room duties' in the stock section, based in another library.

Which means I won't have to struggle with demanding and insensitive customers....

Which means I will be away from the colleagues who I have come to feel safe with, and who know me and my idiosyncracies.

Which means I will be in a new environment I don't know at all, with people I have never met before.

Which means I desperately hope they heard me properly when I described how I MUST keep to my current hour/day pattern , because of therapy.

Which means I feel.....lost.....sad....upset....frightened.....alone....scared....relieved....

I also feel a failure....I have, as in my previous jobs, struggled on and into work even when I felt terrible and have somehow struggled to keep going....and then its all crumbled down around my ears sooner or later....and this feels like a repetition.....I have failed....again...

Will I ever be really able to stay with and succeed at anything?

It will go through the official channels of organisation, then I will receive notification....and it will be reviewed in 6 months...or sooner if I have got significantly well enough in the meantime.

I am also angry...right now I am better than I was a year ago....6 months ago even...I have days when I feel well and can cope....I thought....I am coming off efexor, a notoriously difficult medication to withdraw from...and am coping pretty well in the circumstances..if this change had been made a year ago, I would maybe be more stable than I am now...I feel really mixed up...

There is part of me that really wants to hurt me, to punish me...and to reduce/control the level of emotional pain I am experiencing. Part of me feels suicidal. I have emailed my therapist....did so from work...don't know if she'll get back to me before I see her tomorrow....I just really really need support right now....I tried to talk about it to my flatmate, but her mind was on other things and it didn't help.....I'm also seeing my GP tomorrow afternoon, for which I am glad....

I feel so lost and alone....

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Sounds like there are some big changes in the air for you. It also sounds like your employer is actually interested in working with you to accomodate your illness. It's scary and stressful to make changes, but it's very very good that they want to help you! I know you're worried about moving to a place away from your friends at work, but try to remember that at one time, the friends you have at work now were strangers too.

As for feeling like a failure. That one is a little trickier. That is the voice that comes from depression, and even though you know it's a lie, it's hard to handle having an inner voice telling you lies 24/7. It's wonderful to have supportive people reminding you that it's a lie, but they don't get to ride around in your head to fight the liar.

I'm going to offer a rebuttal for the lie, and I hope you will return to it as often as you need to.

You are not a failure. You are taking important steps to keep yourself healthy and functioning. Many people would curl up into a ball and give up, but you are not doing that. You are trying, and that is admirable and definitely not the action of a failure!

I'm going to come back here in a little while with some other information, but I have to go look it up first. 

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thank you.

I'm hearing the part of me that wants to curl up in a ball and give up...but I'm trying not to give her much attention...and its the balance I have to make with knowing how much POSITIVE attention she needs....how much reassurance.....which I feel you have offered...thank you...

intruiged by the info to follow.....

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it reads to me like they are trying to make some kind of accomdation for you so you will have less stress in your working life.  like anything else, it's not 100% guaranteed, but i am very heartened by the part about 'not dealing with demanding customers'.

i know it's very hard to go to a new group (it's one of my weak areas too) but it can be done....you made friends out of your current group, right?

maybe what's bothering you is the idea that getting an accomodation means you're 'weak' and that somehow it negates all the progress you've done?  like if you've gotten better then you wouldn't 'need' to be moved?

if it were me, i would try to look at it as getting some help to make it easier to get even healthier....like my employer replacing all the snack food machines with vouchers to take a 15 minute walk!  like that will ever happen.

please don't let this get to you. it can be really hard to argue with the part of us that keeps saying 'failure failure' over and over, but perhaps now is the time to use this new tool from your employer to prove you are not a failure?

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Additional researched information, as promised!

Franklin Roosevelt was stricken with polio at age 39. He had already made plans for his political career by that time, and he decided that being paralyzed from the waist down was not going to stop him from reaching his ambition. He was elected president for the first of four terms AFTER he had been handicapped.

I bring up FDR, not to feed you a bunch of silly stuff about mind over matter and rah rah rah, you can do anything if only you'll set your mind to it, baloney. I bring him up because he was acutely aware of his disability, and he decided that it wasn't as important as what he wanted to do. (Granted he did a lot to hide it from people, but that's a different topic) FDR made the accomodations that he needed in order to get on with his goals, and I don't think anybody would call him a failure for it. He needed a wheelchair, crutches, and extra sturdy podiums to prop himself up on during speeches. At times, I'm certain these medical equipment needs were maddening for him. But, they were what he needed to have in order to get 'er done.

So, you need to have your meds and to not work around demanding and insensitive customers. So what? It's not a failure to get the tools you need to get the job done. It's determination and in truth, a positive "I'm not going to fail" attitude. You've taken a step forward towards success, and not backward towards failure!

If you want to read more about FDR...

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thank you both.

I'm into remeron sleepy mode now, so I'll sleep on this, all that you've said, and come back to it tomorrow...

I'm getting increasingly good feelings about not being around demanding and insensitive customers....this is a chance to be really gentle on me...get me the gentleness and space that I need...

change is always scary for me...always triggers me....

and yes, reddog, I do feel disheartened that after all the progress I've made..I want the progress to be acknowledged.....

am off to bed now....hopefully no weirded out efexor withdrawal dreams will come my way tonight....

thanks again,

Katie

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Hey, nestling,

It probably came as kind of a shock to learn that you were being moved. Even though it's an accommodation, it's just a weird feeling. I'm hoping that as you think about it and get used to the idea, it will change from a new, scary thing into a new but good idea. The thought of working around books, without the grumpy customers, sounds like it could be mighty appealing. Give that little girl some fuzzy slippers and hot cocoa and tell her everything's gonna be alright.

greeny

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Institutions react slowly. They are probably accomodating where you were at some months ago. They probably still think you are useful if they are finding this other place for you. That doesn't sound like a failure to me. It's very possible that they think you will do a better job in that back room area. Maybe the person there now is bored, overloaded, or careless. And you are going to fix that.

Send a note or drop by your former colleagues now and then. Not just because you like them, or for your morale, which are good reasons, but to keep your ear to the ground, i.e. so you know what's going on. If you continue to improve you might be back next year.

I know it's hard to remember, but no matter how demanding or insensitive a customer is, they can't touch your worth as a person. I know that worth is hard to see right now. Depression seems to hit that sense worst of all. But what depression is telling you isn't real. When that's the voice you're hearing please be skeptical.

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hi all. sorry, had really intense therapy session yesterday, and then I crashed out at 9pm last night....and this morning I feel dizzy and sick again...efexor withdrawal stuff...it will pass...

I'm doing ok...apart from feeling wiped out physically...worked through things in therapy yesterday....will explain more later...

also, I got my next pdoc appt letter.....not until 16th May....4 months since last appt..... *shakes head in disbelief* was meant to be 3 months....  *tries not to throw up with efexor sickiness*

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nestling,

Just read through your thread and I am shaking MY head in disbelief, at all you have accomplished and your continued perseverance.  It's so easy to look at somebody else and see how  irrational they are - the "how COULD they think/feel'' this or that? business. (As if it were supposed to make sense! ;) )

Like you feeling inadequate when you've achieved so much.  Working through difficult issues in therapy, holding down a job (full-time sounds like), asking for what you need and being upfront about it - from colleagues, the old ones anyhow,  your boss and pdoc. 

Even if you don't get it, what a ballsy woman (sic?) you are for ASKING! (

And getting off the effexor.  Yes, you're right. Some people are lifers on it, because of the discontinuation syndrome. 

Was particularly struck by:

dizzy and sick again...efexor withdrawal stuff...it will pass...

This is the kind of thing that has helped me survive.  Sounds trivial unless somebody's been there, but being able to separate ones chemical reactions - even more when there are emotional repercussions - can make all the difference in getting through a rough time, and NOT. 

Having withdrawn from several difficult addictions with major depressive side effects...If I hadn't been able to say "This WILL  pass"  and  "It's chemicals not the 'way things are'" I wouldn't have been able  to hang on by my fingernails. 

(As an aside, this can help with depression and other mental messes, but it sure is a lot harder when there isn't any known end-point to the chemical effects because they're just THERE. :-( )

A big high five to you!  You keep right on talking back to that part of you, the disser and doubter, that puts you down when you're doing so well and deserve so much credit.  And when you find it hard, write in and say so, so somebody here can  advocate for the brave, worthwhile you until it can take over again (as I think it has).

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Today I heard something that really hurt me and at the same time was a relief.

...

It will go through the official channels of organisation, then I will receive notification....and it will be reviewed in 6 months...or sooner if I have got significantly well enough in the meantime.

....

I am also angry...right now I am better than I was a year ago....6 months ago even...I have days when I feel well and can cope.

...

I feel so lost and alone....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Nestling,

Hey you, I'm sorry I haven't posted to you recently, had a meltdown of my own that I'm coming out of and I had to circle the wagons to take care of myself.

It sucks that it took your employer so long to respond to your need for accommodation, but, OTOH, I think like reddog or someone said, being in the cozy company of books without the PITA people to deal with will be good for you. Indeed, it might help expedite your healing process, which from what I can see, even though it's been dreadful in places, continues to move forward! Yay Nestling! That does not sound like failure to me. Sounds like a woman who asked for what she needed and <frowny face> got it 3 mos. later, but better late than never.

And like Ido said, pop up stairs or out front or next door or wherever your old workplace was periodically to keep in touch. Save this for your really *good* days. Meanwhile, bunny slippers and books.

Do you have visual reminders surrounding you of your growth? Your hard work? Your processing your PTSD vigilantly and painfully but PERSISTENTLY for how long now? When many would have given up? Maybe a photo? A small figurine, a quote printed out something that means success to YOU. That you can look at anytime at work (and at home) and have a visual reminder:

I am not a failure, when I feel this way it is my depression lying to me.

Asking for what you need is evidence alone that you are not a failure. The evidence keeps mounting steadily of just what a success you are!

Hugs,

Suzanne

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hey everyone. I've been away from CB for a while and I come back and find all this amazing support...I am really touched.... (little girl in me asks 'is this real?' and gets a bit anxious, hides behind my legs....)

I've posted an update on the work thing in NOS forum. Its GOOD. They are being soooo kind and great....I am so impressed with the way they've handled this.....I am used to so much mishandling of my situation, for example when I was at teacher training college, and when I was teaching....total lack of sensitivity on behalf of the official types, total lack of support...whereas now.....is sooo different...having to learn to breathe with it....

My therapist said today how the stimulation of being around the public isn't what I need right now, isn't supportive of my recovery...I need somewhere quieter, more stable and consistent.

I'll be working at 'my' library on Saturdays still, which is great.

Cerberus, the efxor thing......I'm now still on 37.5mg every other day...and am tapering off in consulatation with my GP, and we've had to diversify quite a bit from my pdoc's timetable plan.....

See my pdoc...you're having a larrfffff.....I am lucky to get the May appt I've got.....the letter was all like let us know as soon as possible if you're unable to attend, there's a long waiting list for the Tuesday afternoon clinic....blah de blah......

If I can get him to take my PTSD hyper-vigilance and acute startle response seriously.....

The efexor withdrawal is settling now....no afternoon dizziness, although I did vomit a little after lunch on Tuesday....I feel notiecable relief flow through me when I take the remeron each night.

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