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Just hoping someone here can relate to what I'm going through. Last night I went out with 3 people and had what felt like a fun dinner and a couple of drinks. Then when I got home and went to bed I couldn't sleep all night because my negative internal voice was telling me how stupid I came across to people. Literally for 7 hours the voice kept saying things like everybody hates you, you sound like a fool, you should just kill yourself, you're an embarrassment, you're so unlikable, you're a total fuckwit, everything that comes out of your mouth is pathetic and stupid, you should just shut  the fuck up. etc etc. Realistically I know I didn't do anything wrong last night and had a simple fun night out and we chatted and ate and talked small talk for 90 minutes. It's because of this negative voice that I feel that it's easier to isolate and not socialise  because the after effects are torture. We are told it's unhealthy to not engage with others and that we need to interact with others to avoid loneliness, but there is a massive price to pay and this is why I am so much happier being alone at home. This is so difficult and I am so sick of being cruel to myself. Can anyone understand? This is unbearable. 

Edited by Unburdened

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1 hour ago, Unburdened said:

Just hoping someone here can relate to what I'm going through. Last night I went out with 3 people and had what felt like a fun dinner and a couple of drinks. Then when I got home and went to bed I couldn't sleep all night because my negative internal voice was telling me how stupid I came across to people. Literally for 7 hours the voice kept saying things like everybody hates you, you sound like a fool, you should just kill yourself, you're an embarrassment, you're so unlikable, you're a total fuckwit, everything that comes out of your mouth is pathetic and stupid, you should just shut  the fuck up. etc etc. Realistically I know I didn't do anything wrong last night and had a simple fun night out and we chatted and ate and talked small talk for 90 minutes. It's because of this negative voice that I feel that it's easier to isolate and not socialise  because the after effects are torture. We are told it's unhealthy to not engage with others and that we need to interact with others to avoid loneliness, but there is a massive price to pay and this is why I am so much happier being alone at home. This is so difficult and I am so sick of being cruel to myself. Can anyone understand? This is unbearable. 

have you been given specific diagnosis(es) that help explain this issue?

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Totally relate. Sometimes worse than others, but totally relatable.

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i do get an anxiety at night but it usually has no relation to reality. Sometimes I have memories I've done that make me totally embarrassed, but i think it takes me a long time to recognize my social inability.

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On 8/9/2020 at 10:39 AM, Iceberg said:

have you been given specific diagnosis(es) that help explain this issue?

I have depression, anxiety and OCD (Pure O). 

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I can totally relate to this - I often deal with horrible, constant intrusive thoughts that I can only distract myself from with reading. One thing that might be relevant - I've often found that alcohol can cause this kind of state/these kinds of thoughts.

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Unburdened - The negative self-thinking and suicidal ideation you describe is characteristic of advancing stages of depression. It sounds as though your condition may be worsening. If you are seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist, you should certainly call them right away and explain these new symptoms - a change in treatment strategy is likely in order. If you are not currently in the care of a mental health professional, now is the time. You do not have to endure this. There is effective treatment available;  it may require some trial-and-error to find the right prescription and/or therapy modality to work best in your case, but help is available, and there is no reason to wait.

For the immediate moment, it is important to realize, right off the bat, that the terrible things your mind is telling you about yourself are not true. In fact, they aren't even real thoughts. They are miscommunications produced by misfiring neurons in your brain as a result of chemical imbalance. Think of it this way: You're listening to music you really like on the radio, and the station keeps suddenly unexpectedly shifting to some rude shock-jock talk radio station because it has a loose wire. What you hear isn't your choice, and it isn't about you - it's just unpleasant, disturbing noise caused by a malfunction.

That's a crude analogy, of course, and science doesn't fully understand the causes of depression or its specific symptoms yet, but if you keep an understanding of what is actually happening to you in the front of your mind, and not allow yourself to internalize the false thoughts as though they are real, you can begin to develop cognitive skills to resist them. Therapy and the right medication can make that process far easier.

On 8/10/2020 at 3:30 PM, 0112358 said:

I can totally relate to this - I often deal with horrible, constant intrusive thoughts that I can only distract myself from with reading. One thing that might be relevant - I've often found that alcohol can cause this kind of state/these kinds of thoughts.

It's worth pointing out that alcohol is a depressant - the absolute last thing a person suffering from depression needs is a depressant.

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I can definitely relate to what you’re saying, and though it gets worse when I’m depressed I think for me it is largely a symptom of social anxiety disorder. It happens to me even when I am not especially depressed. I go out and end up questioning everything I’ve said and whether the people I was with really dislike me, beating myself up, etc. When I’m depressed, though, it can be especially brutal self talk like you mention.  I’m sorry you’re going through that. You mention an anxiety disorder, but has social anxiety in particular come up as a possibility?

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Posted (edited)
On 8/10/2020 at 7:35 AM, Unburdened said:

I have depression, anxiety and OCD (Pure O). 

I tried to understand where this feeling is coming from and it seems to me that when I am depressed I get sort of “disconnected” in social situations... which later makes me view that disconnection as me not interpreting social cues correctly... so later it all runs in my head again, picking up “missed” parts where “I must have been really awkward/mean/stupid when I said... this and that”

I have the exact same diagnosis btw

 

Edited by HydroCat

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I get this at times, not as much as I used to, but yes I can relate. I agree that it’s probably good to tell your pdoc or tdoc. 

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