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when i'm alone with no one but my cat to judge me, i can't stop crying.

there's no reason to cry. not really. i have headaches. so what? big deal.

there's no excuse for this amount of emotion.

i wish i could donate my life to someone. i wish i could take someone who has a bad life and say here, take mine, i'll take yours...at least then i'd have a reason to be sad.

this may not fit here. i don't fit. i'm on the fringes. hlessi wanderer through strange warrens. but i can't stop crying. and i can't make it go away. i don't even know how to start.

how do you ask for help when you don't know what's broken?

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You say mild depression, but it may be more than you think.

i think you're right. i've never actually been officially diagnosed with anything mental, so i really don't know what category of anything i fall into.

i just don't know what to do anymore.

this board is the only place i feel safe enough to show that i'm sad. most of the few people that i talk to in real life are hours and hours away, and i feel stupid calling them up and interrupting their life just to bleat on about things. (at least here, if i bore you, you can stop reading and click away.)

i've basically given up on medication. nothing's ever worked like it was supposed to, with the exception of a few antibiotics here and there. why give away hundreds of dollars to have the privilege of swallowing tiny bits of uselessness? why bother trying to fix things? headache, depression, whatever. i may as well accept that i'll be spending my life in a dark room, crying silently.

i can't stop thinking about how much better life would be for people if i wasn't there. my parents wouldn't have to constantly fight anymore, my fiance could find someone else that shares his religion, and no one would have to put up with me bothering them anymore. everyone could just move on with their lives. and my cat could go live with my parents, since they adore him. i wouldn't be able to be a huge disappointment anymore if i was gone. i'm basically useless. and useless things should be thrown away.

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hi checkerboards,

i'm sorry you feel so crappy.

i know when i'm in that kind of place, nothing helps.  (i go to "can't stop feeling sad").

i know for me, i try to be gentle with myself when i'm there...  like if i can manage to do something sweet and comforting for myself while i'm there, sometimes that's nice.  but it's ok not to manage that too.  sometimes it's just too hard.  and sometimes all i have is "ok, i feel sad and i'm beating myself up and i'm mad about that and that's just the way it is."  and sometimes i don't even have that much.

so yeah, i feel you.  i wish you safe passage through this one. 

i think it's totally ok to feel whatever you feel.

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You say mild depression, but it may be more than you think.

i think you're right. i've never actually been officially diagnosed with anything mental, so i really don't know what category of anything i fall into. ...

i've basically given up on medication. nothing's ever worked like it was supposed to, with the exception of a few antibiotics here and there. why give away hundreds of dollars to have the privilege of swallowing tiny bits of uselessness? why bother trying to fix things? headache, depression, whatever. i may as well accept that i'll be spending my life in a dark room, crying silently. ....

i can't stop thinking about how much better life would be for people if i wasn't there. .....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

checkerboards -

I'm sorry you feel so miserable right now - the only constant is that everything changes so try to remember that it won't last forever and you will feel better.  You don't have to accept that you'll spend your life in a dark room crying, because you won't, that's just your illness talking, not you.

I have to disagree when you say life would be better for people if you weren't there - all the people you know would be devastated if you weren't there, especially your parents, your fiance and your cat.  You aren't useless and you have value, even if you aren't able to realize it right now. 

You say you've never been diagnosed with anything and you've given up on medication.  I hope you'll reconsider your position because it sounds like you're depressed, an illness that from personal experience I know way too much about, and I can tell you it will fuck with you unbearably if left untreated.

Please make an appointment with a pdoc, not a GP, and maybe bring along this post you wrote since sometimes it's hard to remember what to say once you're sitting there in the office.  Many of us here can confirm that medication, while far from a perfect solution, can at least take the edge off such overwhelming sadness and help you crawl out of the abyss.

I know right where you're coming from since I've been there myself many times.  It's a hard place to be but you can survive and get free from it, I know for certain.  Good luck to you.  Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Catnapper

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i don't want to sound angry, or stubborn, or like i'm out-of-hand rejecting things. hearing comments of people trying to help/provide support...it helps, it really does.

the only constant is that everything changes
that's a big part of why i feel so guilty about being depressed. i'm not depressed all the time, so i feel like maybe i shouldn't waste a pdoc's time with my trivial little stuff when they could be helping people that need it more than i do.

You aren't useless and you have value, even if you aren't able to realize it right now. 

everyone's always telling me that i'm useful. but no one, not my parents, not my fiance, no one can ever tell me how i'm useful. worthwhile. and if they can't point it out, who could?

just about everything i've ever done was only accomplished by following someone else's lead. and anyone can follow someone else. does the world really need another follower?

i really don't want to see a pdoc. at least, not right now. not while i'm on my parents' insurance. it's complicated. but in the end i feel like a failure for being depressed, like i'm just a big disappointment, and it's less painful to avoid the issue than it is to discuss it with them.

so far today i've been able to eat two pieces of toast and a few sticks of pocky. the headache/nausea is certainly not helping the depression. or vice-versa. i wish food would taste good again. it's almost like being back on topamax, but without the incessant moving and the extreme impatience.

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Is there any rational basis for believing that meds wouldn't work? Have you tried antidepressants before? I'm guessing you haven't, since you haven't had a diagnosis. I'm willing to guess that depression is part of your picture. It doesn't take much of a guess either. Depression is what's telling you you're no good. It's like having shit colored glasses welded to your head. For this kind of thing, drugs are often AMAZING. And in other cases they help a lot. It might not be the first one, but the odds are good that you can find something that works for this. And some therapy that will help, too. But you have to go to a therapist. If that seems hard, you might ask your GP for a referall. Or get someone you love to go down to the office with you and sit in the waiting room until you're done. But please get some treatment before you do anything rash. You don't have to do your own diagnosis. That's the tdoc or pdoc's job.

BTW, there's not really an excuse for any emotion. They happen. Sometimes they are a problem, I know. But why do they need an excuse? If something is wrong with your head, being sad isn't some evil thing. It's a symptom. Do you need permission to run a fever? Do you need an excuse to cough? If you want, I will write you a little slip saying that it's ok for you to have emotions, but it would be better if you did.

BTW, if I had a headache all the time, I'd feel pretty crappy too.

Sorry if this comes out cranky. I'm a curmudgeon sometimes. But I want you to feel better. And if I was there, and you seemed comfortable with it, you'd probably be getting a hug. A shrink of mine once told me that a speaker at a conference he attended said that there should be a minumum daily requirement of 10 hugs a day. The guy got a standing ovation from a room full of hundreds of shrinks. So we have the established medical opinion. I hope we can get some of those into your treatment program.

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snip

that's a big part of why i feel so guilty about being depressed. i'm not depressed all the time, so i feel like maybe i shouldn't waste a pdoc's time with my trivial little stuff when they could be helping people that need it more than i do.

Thinking you should be thrown away is trivial? I don't think so. We are talking about the destruction of a unique universe of feeling and perception where things are different from what they are anywhere else. I realize many of those feelings are pretty bad right now, but they won't always be.

everyone's always telling me that i'm useful. but no one, not my parents, not my fiance, no one can ever tell me how i'm useful. worthwhile. and if they can't point it out, who could?

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Is there any rational basis for believing that meds wouldn't work?
kind of. halfway. everything i've taken works fine at first, but then stops working until i raise the dose again. this goes for everything from excedrin to nortriptyline.

nortriptyline (an antidepressant) is what i'm on now (theoretically to prevent migraines as well as depression). it's about to be retired, whenever i can get in to see the neurologist, because it doesn't work and we can't safely raise the dosage any more.

it worked at first. after the third or fourth raise in dosage, there were two or three days when i walked around, mostly headache-free, happy, and i thought - my god, is this what life's supposed to be like? but it stopped working again.

i've seen what the right meds can do for people. i've also seen what the wrong meds can do to people. and here at school, living alone, if i fall, there's no one to catch me. if i decided one night to go away, no one would be there to stop me.

i've been in this round of therapy for about three months. (he's tdoc #3 for me.) as of yet, it hasn't been much help. it's lovely to have a sympathetic person listening to me. but is that all therapy should be?

If something is wrong with your head, being sad isn't some evil thing.

when i was young, i was told repeatedly that crying for no reason was bad. that if there was no reason to cry, there should be no tears. (a valid reason would be a broken friendship, a broken leg...not a broken mind.) and this only applied to me. so it's only wrong for me to cry. (i'm trying to break this thought pattern. but it's been around a long time, so it's hard to dismiss.)

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i ate a little macaroni. it doesn't want to stay down.

pocky is kind of like an unsalted sweet pretzel stick dipped in chocolate. it's japanese. it's yummy. http://www.alde.com/anime/pocky1.html

We can't know just how fully valuable and useful you are, just yet. (snip) Or, perhaps, you will have a friend whose confidence is boosted by you and they go on to make some large, visible contribution. Or you could be the one who does that. We won't know if you don't stick around.

this is hard to explain. there are times that i want to die, that i think that people would be better off without me. but no matter how low i get, i will never ever ever try to kill myself. ever.

to make a very long story short, my best friend/roommate at the time became suicidal about a year ago. writing out notes, making plans for her funeral, that kind of stuff. and she thought i'd be better off without her around. well, no, i wouldn't, because she's sweet and wonderful and fun and loving. and i know how much it hurt me that she wanted to die. (i took her to the hospital and made her admit herself. twice. she's doing much better now.)

so if i left, people might be hurt. i hate to see people hurting, and i never want to hurt anyone. so i'll never try to leave. when i think of trying, i remind myself of those two nights.

having migraines and depression is like being seated between two hugely overweight and sweaty men on an airplane. you can try as hard as you can to avoid touching either of them, but eventually one or both of them will shift position and crush you, or at the very least rub sweat all over you. right now they're both asleep and having nightmares, so both are crashing into me hard when i least expect it.

i'm trying to distract myself away from the depression by playing video games. so far, it's working, but it means i've spent hours and hours today playing dr. mario on my nes and zero time on homework and other assorted activities.

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i've been in this round of therapy for about three months. (he's tdoc #3 for me.) as of yet, it hasn't been much help. it's lovely to have a sympathetic person listening to me. but is that all therapy should be?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

If you've been expressing yourself to that tdoc for three months like you have been here and the tdoc hasn't insisted on refering you to a good pdoc, then it's definitely time for a new tdoc. 

I also take a tricyclic as you do, but in combination with Wellbutrin and Topomax (the tricyclic is Vivactil).  I wouldn't want to be on just the tricyclic because of the side effects, but that's just my results.  Lots of the newer ADs are easier to take.  Obviously I'm prejudiced in favor of meds, but they're the reason I'm still alive today.  Therapy didn't do much for me when I was really down, although it does have its uses.

I think you could get some relief from the suffering you're going through and I hope you will try to get some help. 

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Hi Check,

It's okay to cry for no reason. If you could control it, you would. But you can't. It is beyond your control. All the people who say that you shouldn't cry for no reason have no experience with depression. You have a chemical imbalance. It's not your fault. It's not your choice. Unless you choose to do nothing about it. You have to keep trying to find something that works. You don't want to feel this way forever, do you? There can be no excuses. Your mental health comes first no matter whose insurance you are on. And if your family never understands, then they will never understand. But you have to try to get better for you. You want a better life for yourself. A happier life for yourself.

If you feel like really harming yourself, you need to go to the ER or check yourself in somewhere. You CAN feel better. I know I did.

It doesn't matter if you think you don't have anything to cry about but you still cry. I used to cry over dead animals in the road. Just because you don't think you are as unfortunate as everyone else doesn't mean you don't have permission to be upset. The depression is enough. Try to lose the guilt. And take care of yourself.

Sam

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If you've been expressing yourself to that tdoc for three months like you have been here and the tdoc hasn't insisted on refering you to a good pdoc, then it's definitely time for a new tdoc.

i try to express myself. but i am not good at expressing depression verbally. i am much much better if i can type things out. (i actually had an instant messenger conversation about depression with my roommate, who was less than ten feet away from me, because i could get my thoughts out better on a screen than in my mouth.) so odds are very likely that somehow i make it seem less serious than it is. (and just now, i had problems even admitting in text that it was serious, which makes me really wonder how the verbal stuff's been coming across to the tdoc.)

i have problems asking for help, and i keep secrets like old ladies keep cats. the depression was the biggest secret i had for a long time. so it's scary to ask for help for depression.

my next tdoc appointment is tuesday. i'll talk to him about it. and i'll bring notes for him to read when i forget what to say. (and libby, i think i finally have the cash to go to the acupuncturist!) thank you all for trying to make me feel better/trying to help me.

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I express myself much better on paper than I do verbally on the spur of the moment. There have been many, many times I have spent a while typing out how I feel and what I want, etc. I print out a copy and hand it to my pdoc. He sits there for about five minutes and then we talk. I think this is really efficient. It cuts the back and forth out a lot. I only have to do this when things are really in an upheaval or, being bipolar, I am afraid I will be in too good of a mood to express how low my depression gets. But I think it's a good idea.

so odds are very likely that somehow i make it seem less serious than it is.

Exactly! This is exactly why I write stuff down. It's hard to express how bad things are.

So write him a novel. Part of the problem could really be that your pdoc does not understand how dire the situation is. It's your job to make sure he does. You deserve to feel better than you do now.

Sam

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snip

to make a very long story short, my best friend/roommate at the time became suicidal about a year ago. writing out notes, making plans for her funeral, that kind of stuff. and she thought i'd be better off without her around. well, no, i wouldn't, because she's sweet and wonderful and fun and loving. and i know how much it hurt me that she wanted to die. (i took her to the hospital and made her admit herself. twice. she's doing much better now.)

so if i left, people might be hurt. i hate to see people hurting, and i never want to hurt anyone. so i'll never try to leave. when i think of trying, i remind myself of those two nights.

snip

I'm glad you remind yourself of this. Your roomate was lucky to have you around. I imagine, if you did this, that there are other people you've helped, as well. If it's not too much of a contortion, please pat yourself on the back for me.

about the meds:

Seems to me that meds from different families would act differently. Just because one family didn't work, doesn't mean another won't work. I don't think you mentioned, unless I missed it, SSRI's, SNRI's, or Welbutrin.

It's probably evil if it requires an advertising budget that large, but I saw ads for Topomax used against chronic migraines in the drugstore the other day. I tend to notice the word "migraine" since my girlfriend gets them. BTW, be sure to check, when choosing health insurance, for restrictions about how much migraine medication you can get in a month. Her insurance company only allows for treating 8 migraines a month, less for people who take higher doses.

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ah, topamax. that was my neurologist's first attempt at medicating me. i spent about a year on it. it would work for a little while after the dosage was raised, and then it spectacularly stopped working again.

my favorite topamax story concerns one night during my roommate's second hospital stay. the neuro had raised my dosage about a week beforehand, and it was not having the intended effect. i couldn't stop moving, i was irritable, i was impatient, my eyes were dilated so much that my irises were almost invisible...

so anyway, that night a mutual friend of ours came with me to visit her in the ward. as we sat around a table in the lounge area, playing cards, we decided that of the three of us, i looked like the one that should have been inside instead of my roommate. (perhaps it's funnier if you saw me bouncing in my chair, hunched over my hand of cards, visibly restraining myself from scolding them for taking too long with their turns. 'go fish, dammit!')

i really hope that they'll give me something else to try when i go back. (last time i tried, they sent me to the neurological rehab people and told me to do a food/stress diary. while it was fun transcribing my two sandwiches a day, it didn't tell me anything i didn't already know.)

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Hello Checkerboards.

You are important.  You've said some very kind things on my Springer thread.  I've enjoyed having your support.  And that was a kind thing you did for your roommate.  I'm sure your roommate appreciated it.

I've had the same problem with medication working for a short time and then failing.  It's happened with Effexor, Wellbutrin, and Provigil.  I don't know why this happens to some people, but I understand how frustrating it is.  Whenever I felt hope that maybe this medication would help my depression, it would stop working.  It sucks.

It's okay to cry when you feel awful, and it's okay to feel awful even if you don't think you have a good reason to feel awful.  Take care.

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ah, topamax. that was my neurologist's first attempt at medicating me. i spent about a year on it. it would work for a little while after the dosage was raised, and then it spectacularly stopped working again.

my favorite topamax story concerns one night during my roommate's second hospital stay. the neuro had raised my dosage about a week beforehand, and it was not having the intended effect. i couldn't stop moving, i was irritable, i was impatient, my eyes were dilated so much that my irises were almost invisible...

so anyway, that night a mutual friend of ours came with me to visit her in the ward. as we sat around a table in the lounge area, playing cards, we decided that of the three of us, i looked like the one that should have been inside instead of my roommate. (perhaps it's funnier if you saw me bouncing in my chair, hunched over my hand of cards, visibly restraining myself from scolding them for taking too long with their turns. 'go fish, dammit!')

i really hope that they'll give me something else to try when i go back. (last time i tried, they sent me to the neurological rehab people and told me to do a food/stress diary. while it was fun transcribing my two sandwiches a day, it didn't tell me anything i didn't already know.)

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hey Checkerboards,

I'm seeing a neurologist too. When I was titrating up Lamictal I was very irritable and had anger spurts. Today I just added Wellbutrin to the cocktail. It's making me irritable right now... Hopefully it will go away.

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my eyes are stinging. it's what i hate most about crying so often - that salty irritated ouchness like a mask on my face.

i'm going to go for a walk tonight. i can't walk in the daytime - too bright, even with sunglasses - and the most i've done in the past four days is a brief trip to see the therapist. since i live in the midst of nothing, it's highly unlikely that anything bad could happen.

and hey, even if someone attacks me in the dark, everyone wins, right?

right.

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