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ApathyandDew

Is it better to be depressed and feel feelings or on meds and apathetic and uncreative?

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I am on Paxil, Vraylar and Seroquel. I am apathetic. I am emotionally numb. I am creatively dead. And I don't know if I like it. Yes, I'm not suicidal or crying day in and day out like I would probably be without it but damn, I want to feel something! I want to be able to write again...write poetry... be me!  I don't know what to do. It's the lesser of two evils. How have you compensated?

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Same here.... I constantly debate which is better. I get told when I am apathetic & numb that it's a better state than the other, but in reality I don't know if I agree. I guess it depends on how bad things were before...(and sometimes, we selectively forget how bad it was)

Is there a way to lower the dose of your meds? Or switch one out with a PRN? Sometimes that can help with the degree of numbness. I totally understand though, over time you begin to feel as if you are already dead and that is no way to go through life. I try to take the lowest dose of medications & deal with breakthrough symptoms, because complete anhedonia for years & years is no better!

it is really a balancing act. All I know is i must stay on something, otherwise, I'll go completely off the rails.

Edited by Blahblah
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Blahblah's ideas sound like they're worth a shot if you like the sound of them

Also I wonder if while in this numb state you can do work that will make you prepared for what things might be like with a lower dose...
Building new habits that fight or prevent, that you could keep up once the dose was lowered and they became more important
Working with a tdoc
Having plans in place for what to do on the darkest days
Having a self-care toolbox (a literal physical box)

I mean the body itself can turn us numb to protect us from difficult emotions, and meds can also do that for us, and either way we can kind of gradually and cautiously reintroduce those feelings in a safe way with work and with a little help from people who care about us and our process


 

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I wouldn't say I feel numb on my meds but they do seem to affect my creativity. Like, I have none right now. It sucks but is still better, I think, than how things were before.

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I'm not a artist but I know I would not get anything done, that is similar like reading or learning a language, without my meds when they are working currently. I can get super creative when I'm manic but its no use since I can't accomplish anything. My big problem is memory issues. I am constantly forgetting the names of things. 

To the original poster, perhaps you are on too many APs. I don't know your current situation but I could see how being on two APs could be too sedative and make you feel apathetic. Maybe something to talk to your pdoc about.

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I am dealing with this very issue now that Effexor has failed me after a decade. I'm on my survival combo of wellbutrin/adderall, which keeps me from setting fire to myself, but I'm feeling things again, and that's not so good for an autistic depressive. It's nice that my muse has started talking to me again, up to the point that some random wave of anguish leaps on me like unawares like some leopard that has been eyeing me hungrily from a nearby tree and decided I looked enough like a Thompson's gazelle to give it a go. As it is gnawing on my cervical vertebrae I miss the dull sense of mental peace I experienced on Effexor. Note: I did not say 'enjoyed', just 'experienced'. I've never reached a point in either state that I could call enjoying life. I just hope the leopard enjoys the meal, at least.

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