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Boredom, laziness versus apathy...depression?


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Even when my mood is stable (and I don't really feel depressed), I have excessive boredom... or is it laziness or Apathy? Especially since the confinement, nothing is open, nowhere to go, nowhere nice to even walk around to distract myself. I'm unemployed. It's been much worse. I can manage to do basic things on good days (like shower, exercise, go outside for a walk, cook, eat healthy)....but this literally is all I can do....

I try to initiate something enjoyable (like reading a book, or doing something creative, listen to music) and I cannot engage. I have extreme resistance, cannot sustain any interest. It feels like a combination of boredom, resistance and apathy..... I do sort of enjoy some things (napping and watching netflix). But it is impossible to get myself to do anything productive. I feel lazy and worried I won't be able to function in a job.

Since I do feel some pleasure in taking a shower, napping, I assume it isn't full anhedonia? There seems to be no cure for this, my pdoc seems to be pleased when I'm stable and not depressed. I've felt like this for many years and essentially just force myself to do everything....stimulants help me focus but they don't allow me to be interested in anything.... pdoc has no ideas & doesn't seem to think that this is depression.....or even worth treating. Help.

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Here's a bit more I've read about Apathy (Wikipedia). In life, I've experienced a lot of (disappointment, dejection, and stress) like everything I attempt to do does not work out & therefore it's useless to try if everything is outside my control. How do you fix this?????

The apathetic may lack a sense of purpose, worth, or meaning in their life. And may also exhibit insensibility or sluggishness. In positive psychology, apathy is described as a result of the individuals feeling they do not possess the level of skill required to confront a challenge (i.e. "flow"). It may also be a result of perceiving no challenge at all (e.g. the challenge is irrelevant to them, or conversely, they have learned helplessness). Apathy is something that all people face in some capacity and is a natural response to disappointment, dejection, and stress. As a response, apathy is a way to forget about these negative feelings.

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I relate. I hate the feeling of long-term inertia.  I almost started pulling out of it right before the pandemic but then everything shut down and the more time I have at home the less I do.  Makes me feel rotten about myself but I don't know how to get any motivation back. A few years ago an increase in my wellbutrin helped but that has since fizzled out.  No doc is likely to give me stimulants with my history of addiction.  I do work but that's about all I can manage and I don't enjoy it at all.  I agree with the lack of purpose & meaning in life being a factor, that and the learned helplessness might make sense, maybe something we can do is pay closer attention to the thoughts that regularly pop up and see if we can get some insight into what is driving some of it.  I know it's 2 pm and I have been sitting on my bed all day and that's not a very fulfilling life.

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I don't know if this is the same, but even when my mood is good I have very little energy. I use up most of it on ADLs (making food, brushing teeth, taking care of my kid's basic needs) and struggle with anything additional like cleaning or organizing fun activities. I spend a lot of the day curled on the couch even at the best of times.

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i'm right there too. i am working and it's taking everything out of me.  i come home, feed the cat, curl up on the couch until i can take my meds and go to bed. idk how much is depression, or battle fatigue from this year, or my meds have blunted my affect. at least i am not crying all the time anymore. i am trying my best to not beat myself up for this. i see so any people running around like they have been on vacation since march and i wonder where they get the money, how they can just forget the geopolitical climate and you know, the global pandemic. maybe its just how they cope. but i struggle not feeling bad about myself for not doing that. i am single and have basically been alone since march. i was happy to get the job in august, at least i have somewhere to go and something to do. and people to be around. it makes me take a shower and get dressed m-f, but then i collapse in a heap come friday night. i dont know what the answer is, but i feel like maybe, given the crazy world around us right now, it's normal to feel like this. and maybe your pdoc is right in that it doesnt need treatment. but its frustrating. what i keep going back to is the advice people give to think back to your childhood, or some other time when you were happy(er/ish) and what you did to give you fulfillment. idk, i had a shitty childhood, and spent a lot of time hiding in my closet, but in between i read and wrote. i dont have it in me to do anything creative right now, but i am holding out for the hope that one day when the world calms down a bit, it might return. meanwhile ... i just keep reaching out and trying to stay connected. i am so glad you posted. i'm sorry i dont have any great advice, but you are definitely not alone. and now i know, neither am i. 

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15 hours ago, Complicated toad said:

I relate. I hate the feeling of long-term inertia.  I almost started pulling out of it right before the pandemic but then everything shut down and the more time I have at home the less I do.  Makes me feel rotten about myself but I don't know how to get any motivation back.

yeah, I was pulling out of it in 2019, then when the pandemic hit early this year, I slipped back into complete inertia again....Then, before I could pull out of it again, everything shut down, everyone confined, and it's not a good time to look for a job. Nowhere to go, no one to see or talk to...

This entire year has been a complete waste and even when the world does begin to normalize, no idea how I will snap out of this.  I see others still working productively....and they are taking it as opportunity to learn new skills.....also enjoying zoom calls, and I just want to disappear. I cannot cope.

 

14 hours ago, WytchyWoman said:

what i keep going back to is the advice people give to think back to your childhood, or some other time when you were happy(er/ish) and what you did to give you fulfillment. idk, i had a shitty childhood, and spent a lot of time hiding in my closet, but in between i read and wrote. i dont have it in me to do anything creative right now, but i am holding out for the hope that one day when the world calms down a bit, it might return. meanwhile ...

i just keep reaching out and trying to stay connected. i am so glad you posted. i'm sorry i dont have any great advice, but you are definitely not alone. and now i know, neither am i. 

I read a lot too when I was young and enjoyed music. I now enjoy neither. Absolutely no energy (mentally or physically) to do anything.... I feel powerless, like with the state of the world, why bother.  Can't even force myself anymore. Just sleep, eat, netflix, repeat...

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