...is this some form of OCD?

[Waxwingblooming]

Hello.

Apologies if this sort of thread is annoying. But so far I haven't gotten really gotten any insight into this from professionals. They file this behavior under anxiety.

Something I find incredibly painful are my circular thought loops, which I then counter in a self harming way. Where I will replay painful events or fears of doing something shameful, and then I will have to either hit myself on the head, bang my head against the wall or utter some kind of insult to myself. Now from what I gathered OCD prompts are not about actual past scenarios that were objectively shitty? and my counters feel ...compulsive but I do think I can control them...somehow???? I just find it incredibly hard to do so.

 

[echolocation]

i have a similar problem around obsessing over unpleasant past experiences, or even normal past experiences that i retroactively decided left a bad taste in my mouth. my doctor referred to it as ruminating, and said it was obsessive in nature. low dose risperidone shut it down for me.

shaking my head sometimes breaks the spiral. scratching my skin also works, but i try to do that less. i understand what you mean by feeling compulsive, but having some amount of control over it. it falls into a grey area of anxious and obsessive behaviour. a "true" compulsion usually has a fear behind it (ie, if i dont check my oven before i leave, my house will burn down). what you're doing is a reaction to a bad thought, but it doesnt sound like you fear a consequence for not doing it.

if you're on meds or looking to be on meds, ask about trying something used to treat ocd. what i've found is that while i don't have classic ocd, whatever i do have going on responds to ocd meds.

[Waxwingblooming]

Hey there, 

thank you for replying. Funny enough - I dreamt that I had replied to this thread in depth. But I hadn't. Hah. This is the type of Prozac vivid dreams I now have.

What you wrote is so validating to read. I posted this not because I am interested in getting another diagnosis. But I found - when trying to convey to professionals - the kind of anguish I would feel in replaying these thoughts, reacting to these thoughts, self harming in anticipation of these thoughts..."anxiety" didn't really cut it and I also feel like the meds that are chosen aren't fully addressing the issue either. You're right I don't fear a direct consequence, but I do fear in not reacting to my thoughts - I'm trying to let myself off easy, that I should be guilt ridding myself? Does that make sense? 😵

 

 

 

[Iceberg]

Do you mean the meds for anxiety aren’t helpful for ocd in general or do you mean your current med regimen isn’t helping you?

[Waxwingblooming]

2 hours ago, Iceberg said:

Do you mean the meds for anxiety aren’t helpful for ocd in general or do you mean your current med regimen isn’t helping you?

I meant, my current med regimen is not fully addressing all my issues. 

 

[echolocation]

On 12/1/2020 at 2:33 AM, Waxwingblooming said:

thank you for replying. Funny enough - I dreamt that I had replied to this thread in depth. But I hadn't. Hah. This is the type of Prozac vivid dreams I now have.

ADs have always made my dreams more vivid. i have silly dreams like this too that feel real until i figure out it was a dream.

On 12/1/2020 at 2:33 AM, Waxwingblooming said:

What you wrote is so validating to read. I posted this not because I am interested in getting another diagnosis. But I found - when trying to convey to professionals - the kind of anguish I would feel in replaying these thoughts, reacting to these thoughts, self harming in anticipation of these thoughts..."anxiety" didn't really cut it and I also feel like the meds that are chosen aren't fully addressing the issue either. You're right I don't fear a direct consequence, but I do fear in not reacting to my thoughts - I'm trying to let myself off easy, that I should be guilt ridding myself? Does that make sense? 😵

i agree, just calling it "anxiety" doesn't explain it properly. for me those thoughts are like a deep spiral, where it just gets more chaotic and painful the deeper down you go.

what you said makes sense to me. i think mindfulness dictates that one should observe the thoughts and then let them go, but i always feel like i have to do something about them, some sort of reaction. i have sexual intrusive thoughts fairly often, usually around assaulting people i know, and to me, they're too horrible to not react to.. i can't just ignore them, or let them drift by, i have to "get rid" of them, somehow. hence the head shaking and whatnot.

if you feel comfortable sharing, what meds are you on right now?

[Waxwingblooming]

On 12/3/2020 at 6:34 AM, echolocation said:

i agree, just calling it "anxiety" doesn't explain it properly. for me those thoughts are like a deep spiral, where it just gets more chaotic and painful the deeper down you go.

what you said makes sense to me. i think mindfulness dictates that one should observe the thoughts and then let them go, but i always feel like i have to do something about them, some sort of reaction. i have sexual intrusive thoughts fairly often, usually around assaulting people i know, and to me, they're too horrible to not react to.. i can't just ignore them, or let them drift by, i have to "get rid" of them, somehow. hence the head shaking and whatnot.

if you feel comfortable sharing, what meds are you on right now?

I'm only on Prozac at the moment. It has helped for my anxiety to a degree - my social anxiety has gotten loads better, I ruminate less - but I still have painful bouts throughout the day of these obsessive thought loops. Every time I bring these up in particular to a professional, I'm told this is anxiety and I need to get my anxiety under control. 
I kinda think I'm reacting to them as stress control - but also bc they are objectively speaking super horrible.... me too re: sexually intrusive thoughts 😧 My brain is like "What is the most taboo subject we can think and worry about? Oh yes let's go there"

[echolocation]

have you ever tried describing them to a professional as intrusive thoughts, or asked if they think that's what you're experiencing? sometimes introducing different vocabulary can change the conversation.

i'm glad prozac is helping some -- i've never taken it myself but i've heard it's good for obsessive stuff. i'd probably ask for an increase in dosage (depending on how much you're taking) to see if that touched the obsessive thoughts.

sorry you get those ugly intrusive thoughts too. they're awful. my brain's favourite scenario is "hey, what if during this very normal interaction with your friend/boss/acquaintance/coworker you said something horribly inappropriate? or grabbed them and [insert assault of choice]." then i think about how IF i did that, what the fallout would be and how would they react and how would i feel and blah blah blah. i get really deep into it in my head and have to make myself remember that none of that has actually happened, and everything is okay. it's really no fun.