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Therapy doesn't work. Medication makes me feel not suicidal. I've been depressed since eight grade, and every year since then has gotten progressively worse. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I've wasted my life and I'm only sixteen. I have no friends because I'm a reclusive person and I have almost no interest in other people. For my entire life I haven't been able to truly relate to anyone before. Looking back I haven't really... done anything. I mean, I have some good memories here and there but the overwhelming majority of my existence feels wasted. And every second of life not fulfilled to it's limit is a tragedy.

There is so much I want to do. I want to make video games, learn programming, do gymnastics, start a garden, martial arts, running, weightlifting, drawing, storytelling... but it all feels so unreachable. It's just a dream. I almost constantly, for the past few years, have had this "weight" on me. A black cloud, a monster, pushing against my being at all times to ruin me. All my dreams, my biggest hopes, I doubt will ever be fulfilled because I'm simply too weak of a human to follow through with the harrowing experience of achieving them. I like to imagine myself as the person who wins in the end, and this miserable part of my life is simply the beginning, before I succeed. But that's not true. There is a massive difference between thinking about doing something and actually doing it. Nearly every effort I make to take that first step into a journey, a skill, an experience, just repulses me back when I see how hard it is, and I look at my own inadequacy, and then I give up.

I'm only sixteen. I still have my youth. How bad will it be when I grow older? What will happen when my parents die? Who will be there for me? How will I spend my life? Things are so bad now, I can't even imagine how bad it could become in the future. I'm still young. I still feel like there's some small crack of hope left for me. But when I'm a middle aged man, living alone, living for nothing, that is one of the most depressing images I can think of. I used to be suicidal. Not anymore because the medicine artificially removed those thoughts. But at that point in my life? I can almost ensure that I will kill myself. I already feel as if I've wasted my life. The pain of feeling that as an old man, when I'm closer to the end of my life, the end of my only existence I will ever have, would be unimaginable.

Sorry for being depressing but I want to get this off my chest because I don't have the strength to say these things to anyone in person. Hopefully I didn't ruin anyone's day. 😅

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2 hours ago, esmerinhell said:

Sorry for being depressing but I want to get this off my chest because I don't have the strength to say these things to anyone in person. Hopefully I didn't ruin anyone's day. 😅

No need to apologize at all.....From your post, you say your medication takes away the suicidal thoughts, but according to what you're saying, you seem to be affected by a lack of motivation to do all the things you want to do.....Have you spoken to your psychiatrist about the lack of motivation?......I don't know what med(s) you are on currently, but it would probably be a good idea to speak to your doc about it.

You are only 16, so please don't give up on yourself......I'm in my 50s and I'm not about to give up........I hope you have a good day.☺️

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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I felt similarly when I was your age, except I didn't think I'd make it to my 20s. I'm in my 30s now and obviously still dealing with depression, but I have a pretty good life and a lovely family that I am happy and grateful for much of the time.

It sounds like your medication may not be doing the best it could. It's hard to advocate for yourself when you're depressed, but can you talk to your pdoc about how you feel?

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5 hours ago, CrazyRedhead said:

No need to apologize at all.....From your post, you say your medication takes away the suicidal thoughts, but according to what you're saying, you seem to be affected by a lack of motivation to do all the things you want to do.....Have you spoken to your psychiatrist about the lack of motivation?......I don't know what med(s) you are on currently, but it would probably be a good idea to speak to your doc about it.

You are only 16, so please don't give up on yourself......I'm in my 50s and I'm not about to give up........I hope you have a good day.☺️

thank you.

 

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  • 2 months later...
On 11/26/2020 at 11:07 AM, esmerinhell said:

Therapy doesn't work. Medication makes me feel not suicidal. I've been depressed since eight grade, and every year since then has gotten progressively worse. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I've wasted my life and I'm only sixteen. I have no friends because I'm a reclusive person and I have almost no interest in other people. For my entire life I haven't been able to truly relate to anyone before. Looking back I haven't really... done anything. I mean, I have some good memories here and there but the overwhelming majority of my existence feels wasted. And every second of life not fulfilled to it's limit is a tragedy.

There is so much I want to do. I want to make video games, learn programming, do gymnastics, start a garden, martial arts, running, weightlifting, drawing, storytelling... but it all feels so unreachable. It's just a dream. I almost constantly, for the past few years, have had this "weight" on me. A black cloud, a monster, pushing against my being at all times to ruin me. All my dreams, my biggest hopes, I doubt will ever be fulfilled because I'm simply too weak of a human to follow through with the harrowing experience of achieving them. I like to imagine myself as the person who wins in the end, and this miserable part of my life is simply the beginning, before I succeed. But that's not true. There is a massive difference between thinking about doing something and actually doing it. Nearly every effort I make to take that first step into a journey, a skill, an experience, just repulses me back when I see how hard it is, and I look at my own inadequacy, and then I give up.

I'm only sixteen. I still have my youth. How bad will it be when I grow older? What will happen when my parents die? Who will be there for me? How will I spend my life? Things are so bad now, I can't even imagine how bad it could become in the future. I'm still young. I still feel like there's some small crack of hope left for me. But when I'm a middle aged man, living alone, living for nothing, that is one of the most depressing images I can think of. I used to be suicidal. Not anymore because the medicine artificially removed those thoughts. But at that point in my life? I can almost ensure that I will kill myself. I already feel as if I've wasted my life. The pain of feeling that as an old man, when I'm closer to the end of my life, the end of my only existence I will ever have, would be unimaginable.

Sorry for being depressing but I want to get this off my chest because I don't have the strength to say these things to anyone in person. Hopefully I didn't ruin anyone's day. 😅

You didn't ruin our day, ...have you looked into GeneSight testing?? TMS,, ECT, or ketamine/spravato?? maybe something to talk to your parents or doctors about.. I'm sorry you have to feel this way, i completely understand, i've gone through the same as you ..

Try not to worry about the future, it's hard because I admit I do it too, but we can only hope that things will get better, and not sure what country you live in ? I assume US? there are programs out there that will help you..

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On 11/26/2020 at 5:07 PM, esmerinhell said:

Therapy doesn't work. Medication makes me feel not suicidal. I've been depressed since eight grade, and every year since then has gotten progressively worse. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I've wasted my life and I'm only sixteen. I have no friends because I'm a reclusive person and I have almost no interest in other people. For my entire life I haven't been able to truly relate to anyone before. Looking back I haven't really... done anything. I mean, I have some good memories here and there but the overwhelming majority of my existence feels wasted. And every second of life not fulfilled to it's limit is a tragedy.

There is so much I want to do. I want to make video games, learn programming, do gymnastics, start a garden, martial arts, running, weightlifting, drawing, storytelling... but it all feels so unreachable. It's just a dream. I almost constantly, for the past few years, have had this "weight" on me. A black cloud, a monster, pushing against my being at all times to ruin me. All my dreams, my biggest hopes, I doubt will ever be fulfilled because I'm simply too weak of a human to follow through with the harrowing experience of achieving them. I like to imagine myself as the person who wins in the end, and this miserable part of my life is simply the beginning, before I succeed. But that's not true. There is a massive difference between thinking about doing something and actually doing it. Nearly every effort I make to take that first step into a journey, a skill, an experience, just repulses me back when I see how hard it is, and I look at my own inadequacy, and then I give up.

I'm only sixteen. I still have my youth. How bad will it be when I grow older? What will happen when my parents die? Who will be there for me? How will I spend my life? Things are so bad now, I can't even imagine how bad it could become in the future. I'm still young. I still feel like there's some small crack of hope left for me. But when I'm a middle aged man, living alone, living for nothing, that is one of the most depressing images I can think of. I used to be suicidal. Not anymore because the medicine artificially removed those thoughts. But at that point in my life? I can almost ensure that I will kill myself. I already feel as if I've wasted my life. The pain of feeling that as an old man, when I'm closer to the end of my life, the end of my only existence I will ever have, would be unimaginable.

Sorry for being depressing but I want to get this off my chest because I don't have the strength to say these things to anyone in person. Hopefully I didn't ruin anyone's day. 😅

Gosh @esmerinhell you're only 16? You sound wise for your years 🙃 Sounds like something I could've written and I'm about 3x your age. You seem to have a solid awareness of your patterns.

Have you tried therapy? You do have youth on your side now, so you still have time to improve things! I know exactly what you mean by meds artificially removing the thoughts. But they are a somewhat necessary band-aid. I wish I had an answer...sometimes you have to hang on to things that keep you afloat, whether that be a parent, therapist, a pet, nature, creative outlet... Yep, I know "surviving" is not "thriving" but Suicide has never been an answer for me, because I don't know what eternal Hell exists beyond, maybe even worse than existing here & now....Anyway, maybe this wasn't helpful or encouraging, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

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3 hours ago, Blahblah said:

Gosh @esmerinhell you're only 16? You sound wise for your years 🙃 Sounds like something I could've written and I'm about 3x your age. You seem to have a solid awareness of your patterns.

My exact thoughts. @esmerinhell Late teens can be a difficult time, let alone adding mental illness. I feel your pain. And you don't have to apologise, we are always here for you.  

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  • 1 month later...
Posted (edited)

im back, happy to see what people have said.

On 2/8/2021 at 2:45 PM, Blahblah said:

Gosh @esmerinhell you're only 16? You sound wise for your years 🙃 Sounds like something I could've written and I'm about 3x your age. You seem to have a solid awareness of your patterns.

Have you tried therapy? You do have youth on your side now, so you still have time to improve things! I know exactly what you mean by meds artificially removing the thoughts. But they are a somewhat necessary band-aid. I wish I had an answer...sometimes you have to hang on to things that keep you afloat, whether that be a parent, therapist, a pet, nature, creative outlet... Yep, I know "surviving" is not "thriving" but Suicide has never been an answer for me, because I don't know what eternal Hell exists beyond, maybe even worse than existing here & now....Anyway, maybe this wasn't helpful or encouraging, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

 

On 2/8/2021 at 6:27 PM, KJ said:

My exact thoughts. @esmerinhell Late teens can be a difficult time, let alone adding mental illness. I feel your pain. And you don't have to apologise, we are always here for you.  

thank you both, i really appreciate it.

Edited by esmerinhell
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On 2/8/2021 at 2:00 PM, ilovemusic123 said:

You didn't ruin our day, ...have you looked into GeneSight testing?? TMS,, ECT, or ketamine/spravato?? maybe something to talk to your parents or doctors about.. I'm sorry you have to feel this way, i completely understand, i've gone through the same as you ..

Try not to worry about the future, it's hard because I admit I do it too, but we can only hope that things will get better, and not sure what country you live in ? I assume US? there are programs out there that will help you..

i haven't really looked into medication other than CBD oil and antidepressants, and overall i'm really not into taking more things than i already am, i hate relying on it. i don't worry about the future much as of lately, i've been distracting myself pretty much 24/7 for months now so i haven't had an existential crises in quite a while. whatever you're going through i really hope you find some way out,

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On 11/26/2020 at 4:07 PM, esmerinhell said:

And every second of life not fulfilled to it's limit is a tragedy.

Nah! Sit back and watch crap on TV sometimes. You don't have to spend every minute of every day productively. Though I know that restlessness which comes from feeling unfulfilled. Have to be busy but nothing seems to fill the hole.

 

On 11/26/2020 at 4:07 PM, esmerinhell said:

I want to make video games, learn programming, do gymnastics, start a garden, martial arts, running, weightlifting, drawing, storytelling...

If I could talk to my younger self, and I also had depression from a young age, I'd say do it! Take the risk and know that you're going to fail at some of those things but that's OK. You probably won't be and expert programmer and gymnast, gardener, martial artist and writer, but at least one of those things might be something which fills that hole and which you excel at. I wanted to explore a lot of things too when I was young. Maybe I could be a rock star, novelist, scientist, and things like that. Afraid of failing so I never tried. Try everything and fail at some of them. So what? As others have pointed out you sound like a smart guy, and you're going to succeed at some things.

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esmerinhell -

You placed a call to 40 years into your future - I'm basically 40 Years In Your Future, calling you back.

My depression started when I was in the 8th grade. I was a reclusive person, could count my friends on the fingers of one hand and have spares left, and found people difficult and unpleasant in general (it would take thirty years to find out I'm autistic; until then, I just thought I must be a freak). Throughout middle school and high school, I was a laaaaate bloomer, and didn't get the whole "sex" thing that had every other kid around me going insane. It wouldn't fully click until after college, which was, to be fair, somewhat freakish. Depression came and went, more and more frequently, until it just grew roots, doubled down, and stubbornly refused treatment.

For ten years, I saw a therapist, but took no meds. It was a long haul, with limited success, but it did teach me valuable cognitive skills. Then I met a woman who for some utterly inexplicable reason wanted to marry me. Love lifted the depression, and for a short while, I did not need the therapy. Then she decided she had made a terrible mistake and un-married me, I realized depression had never actually left, and returned to my therapist for another ten years until he retired. This time, I decided to use the meds because something was necessary to keep my nose above existential water. Lots of meds were tried, nothing worked until Effexor at the top dose. That let me tread water for about a decade. Then, recently, it stopped working. Now, Wellbutrin and Adderall are holding me on by my existential fingernails.

If it sounds grim, that's because it is... for me. But all that doesn't paint a complete picture.

What it doesn't include are the very fulfilling career in public service. It doesn't include the incredible joy at seeing my son and daughter born into the world, and the joy at being with them every time I see them. It doesn't include the sense of accomplishment I feel when I look at the books I've published. It doesn't include the sense of wonder I've experienced at seeing natural wonders that few other human beings have ever had the privilege of seeing. It doesn't include the utter satisfaction I feel when I re-read The Lord of the Rings again each year and discover something new in it every single time. It doesn't include the unexpected friendships I  made along my way with people whose existence I never imagined, and whom I could now not imagine ever having lived without knowing.

I am 54 years old. Looking back toward 16, I see my years as a long, unwound path of choices made that could have been made other ways. Soooo many other ways. There were so many options, so many chances to do things. As I look back, I constantly ask, What if I had done that instead? What if I hadn't done that? Could I have prevented this? Could I have accomplished that? The questions are pointless, because I can't follow those paths to find out. You only get to follow one path. But the point is, you get the choices. You get so. many. choices. So many chances. So many opportunities to turn your course the way you would like to be going.

Not all your choices are going to work out, but that's not all on you. It's a big world out there, and there are more than 8 billion other people all trying to do the same thing. Our paths bump into each other like mad, and very often we knock each other off course. Other people have knocked me off course rather seriously, so that at 54 I find myself at the very existential crisis you worry about. Have I wasted my life? Is there any point in my going on? Have I squandered all my chances? Am I just waiting for death? What was it all for, anyway? After all, in 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 years, we'll reach the Energy Death of the Universe and nothing will ever matter again. Ever. (Yes, that's the actual theoretical number. Compare it to your age of 16.)

You're not going to live that long. You are going to live long enough (barring accidents) to have lots of opportunities to make choices. Right now, you have absolutely no way of knowing what is coming your way, who you will meet, where you will go, what you may have the chance to do. I can tell you this: It's not what you think. There's more out there than you could possibly imagine, behind innumerable doors that you could open. You just have to open them.

But you have to open them. You can't sit there and be afraid to open them because you're worried you might open the wrong one. There is no wrong path. There's just your path. Where you end up in the end is your course.

Here's another important reminder: You signed up for all of this when you bought your ticket to Earth. Your soul knew it wasn't going to be a cakewalk, but you knew you were going to be up to the challenge, and that you would get through the course. You want to know why you exist here? This is you becoming More. You are more than the flesh that carries you around, and when the flesh is gone, what remains will have gained from its experience of living. That's the whole point.

Just today, someone told me that the problem people who suffer from Existential Crises have is that they usually see their lives as a story book, when they should instead see their lives as a book of poems. Not a story with a beginning, middle, and end, a plot, a purpose, and a point, but rather as a series of experiences building meaning. That's going to be a great big pill to swallow for me, because I'm very purpose-driven... but it might be right.

You're 16. You haven't wasted your life - your life hasn't even started yet, because you haven't reached the point at which you have the power to make your own life choices. That's coming, very soon. You won't have a legitimate excuse for questioning whether you've wasted your life for another 40 years. I should know. And do you know what? Forty years in your future, just like you, I'm still hanging on because I can still see some doors in front of me that I could still open. The reason I don't just give up is because there's a voice in me that asks, What if I just open that door? Where could that lead me?

You say therapy doesn't work? Try it with meds. The combination of the two has been clinically shown to be more effective than either of the two used individually.

 

This is 40 Years In Your Future, signing off.

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37 minutes ago, Gearhead said:

I definitely love you, Cerb.

 

1 hour ago, Fluent In Silence said:

I think I love you Cerberus.

Thank god, I thought it was just me. I love you @Cerberus

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3 hours ago, Cerberus said:

Just today, someone told me that the problem people who suffer from Existential Crises have is that they usually see their lives as a story book, when they should instead see their lives as a book of poems. Not a story with a beginning, middle, and end, a plot, a purpose, and a point, but rather as a series of experiences building meaning. That's going to be a great big pill to swallow for me, because I'm very purpose-driven... but it might be right.

This. Thank you. Lately I've been trying to stave off a mathematical existential crisis (amongst others). This is really very helpful.

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@esmerinhell I am currently using CBD oil (amongst a plethora of other drugs), I was hit sideways like Thor's Hammer with old lady hormones. Short story, it brought me back to some form of functionality. I think the dose is 100mg a day. It's a very expensive government regulated drug in Australia, at the moment. Good thing about that, is you know exactly what you're getting. I don't know where you are, so what the regulations are in your country, but the upside of paying a lot is the peace in knowing that it's rigorously tested, and I know it won't kill me, and the dose is exact. I know it really sucks to have to rely on drugs. REALLY sucks. But, we're lucky to be living in a time when the drugs are available. Hopefully you can find some solace in that.  I'm sure you've heard the "If it was diabetes you'd take the insulin blah blah blah", but it's really true. Try not to feel bad about the drugs, if they help. Just from what you've written, I can tell that you're pretty awesome.

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13 hours ago, KJ said:

a mathematical existential crisis

If you can describe this without further traumatizing yourself, I would be curious to understand what it means.

For me, a mathematical existential crisis is asking myself whether I could live if I forgot how to do math, and my answer to myself is, “Why, yes, quite happily. I never liked it in the first place.”

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On 4/6/2021 at 12:54 AM, Cerberus said:

If you can describe this without further traumatizing yourself, I would be curious to understand what it means.

For me, a mathematical existential crisis is asking myself whether I could live if I forgot how to do math, and my answer to myself is, “Why, yes, quite happily. I never liked it in the first place.”

45942411_MathematicalExistentialCrisis.thumb.jpeg.2b7b30768b0fed5dcb9139ee4763a4e1.jpeg

I hope you can see this, I've tried to make it as clear as well as could as I could. I can't do maths, I count on my fingers. I do love the lovely symbols maths have, though. I am unable to translate my picture thoughts to text. This is the best that I can explain it as well as I could.

 

 

Edited by KJ
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