It's not a problem?

[Fluent In Silence]

Hello! I'm Fluent in Silence and I don't think I have a drinking problem. Just drink for days. On my forth day now. That's normal isn't it? Try to ignore how I'm destroying myself. I don't want to do this but I can't feel comfortable in my own skin without it. Stops the thoughts about how crap and worthless I am. I wish I could feel good without it. No I don't have a problem. What the fuck are you doing to yourself you fucking idiot?

[Fluent In Silence]

But maybe I'm a better person when I'm drunk because I've never really managed to fit in anywhere. Ah stop it!

[Fluent In Silence]

Really find it difficult to like myself. Stupid fucking worthless prick. Sorry. This is too much isn't it.

[Iceberg]

I’m sorry your feeling that way Fluent 

Do u have any kind of support system to reach out to?

[Cerberus]

It’s not a problem? Who’s asking the question? Of course it’s a problem, and you know it’s a problem. You know it’s hurting you, and you know that you do it as  a maladaptive coping mechanism to deal with other issues that perhaps could be - strike that, absolutely certainly could be - treated in a better way.

Just about every psychoactive medication plays badly with alcohol. Some of them very badly. And alcohol is a depressant, so swilling down a depressant whilst taking antidepressants gets one nowhere.

You may find it difficult to like yourself, but that’s because you are unable to see yourself objectively to assess your actual likability. You must therefore rely on the feedback of others, and I like you very well. In my studied opinion you are not a) stupid, b) worthless, or c) a prick. And believe me, I’ve met pricks and know one when I see one.

Try to lay off the sauce if you can. It’s not a solution, and just digs your mental hole deeper.

[Gearhead]

Colonel Legendary Sex Panda, we’ve been through this before. As usual, the wise Cerberus has put it well. I’m sorry it hurts so much in your head sometimes. There are better ways to cope. Have you tried jigsaw puzzles? Building wee houses out of matchsticks? Drag? You’d look great in heels.

I like you, too. And I think you’re funny. Do you think I’d read 1,001 posts of drivel?

[Cerberus]

6 hours ago, Gearhead said:

Building wee houses out of matchsticks?

I can’t recommend this. Terrible fire hazard. One bit of friction in the wrong place and the whole structure becomes an inferno, all the wee tenants burn to death, you get a talking-to from the Fire Marshall, and your insurance rates go up. Do the puzzles.

Or the drag. Whatever floats your boat, you cheeky monkey.

[Complicated toad]

On 12/20/2020 at 4:49 PM, Fluent In Silence said:

I don't want to do this but I can't feel comfortable in my own skin without it. Stops the thoughts about how crap and worthless I am. I wish I could feel good without it. No I don't have a problem. What the fuck are you doing to yourself you fucking idiot?

Pretty sure I have said the exact same things.  I drank 20 years of my life away in an attempt to stop the self-loathing and still have a hard time.  Thing is, there is a line you don't want to cross between drinking to feel comfortable in your skin and drinking because the drink has taken control and you have no choice because without it you become unbearably sick.  I don't want you to relinquish your decisions completely to it.  You have creative ideas that the rest of us enjoy so we would all prefer you keep driving the ship.

I hope you find a way to bear through the ugly moments so you can get to better ones.  Sometimes I get incredibly busy to push through (unreasonable work hours, night school, learning to record and mix my own mediocre music on my home pc, planting a freaking vegetable garden).   For a couple of beautiful years, Lamictal made me comfortable in my skin.  Currently I have four needy pets that demand my attention.  Find your thing even if you have to try a few things before you get it.  

[Fluent In Silence]

Drinking for four days, you're going to crash eventually. Knew well enough it was coming but went there all the same. After posting that I did do the sensible thing and go to bed. Woke up feeling terrible for much of the week. Drinking now but it's Christmas day, and I haven't drunk as much as I usually would. I've never been in much danger of being an alcoholic. I do stop eventually, though that might be after an epic binge which lasted a week. My liver explodes with delight. I have been drinking less regularly recently since I have to attend online classes and study, and I know that my brain don't work too good after a heavy weekend. I'm doing well at my Uni course, I think. Still there's doubts about how my mess of a life is ever going to work out well, so there's always that scab to pick on. I'm doing OK, and I get on fine with my tutors and my fellow students. I think. But hey, let's fuck that all up by getting wasted yeah?

[Cerberus]

1 hour ago, Fluent In Silence said:

I've never been in much danger of being an alcoholic.

Said every alcoholic, ever.

Not saying you’re there yet, just that you might not be the most objective judge of your risk.

1 hour ago, Fluent In Silence said:

But hey, let's fuck that all up by getting wasted yeah?

Or, alternatively, no.

This is a choice you’re going to make, and it’s still, relatively speaking, easier for you to accomplish than it may be down the line if alcoholism becomes entrenched in your life.

Doubts about how your life is going to turn out? That’s only valid when you have no control over what happens - in this matter, you absolutely have control over the outcome. If you don’t want an addiction to alcohol to scuttle your future, you do this: You pour the damn stuff down the drain. You don’t spend your money on it any more. You find something else that helps you cope when your mind hurts. And if any of these things becomes too difficult to accomplish on your own, you get help - and help is available. But you have to decide what you’re going to do, and then do it.

It’s Christmas Day. Today is a reminder that a dark situation can be completely turned around - our darkest day is behind us, and the days will grow brighter moving forward. If we choose to seize the brightness of the days to come, rather than dwell upon the darkness that lingers, all our efforts become more certain and less doubtful.

Choose well, Horatio Hornblower.

[MiaB]

14 hours ago, Fluent In Silence said:

I've never been in much danger of being an alcoholic. 

I think it's worth noting that some of the alcoholics who were in chemical dependency rehab with me (I was there for the abuse of other substances) were binge drinkers. It's a thing. The fact that you stop for periods before going on an all-out binge for days does not mean that you don't have a problem, or are not causing yourself damage.

[Fluent In Silence]

13 hours ago, Cerberus said:

Said every alcoholic, ever

I know. But just because I stop after a while and I'm not drinking everyday doesn't make it fine. Like MiaB pointed out bingeing is hardly better. Maybe worse in some ways because you're still doing damage to yourself but think it's OK because you can stop (or at least do stop). Also the fact that I'm not usually a bad drunk. If anything I'm nicer and more outgoing since I'm not as cripplingly self-aware. I've seen it as self-destructive for quite a while now, and sometimes in the past that was very much the intention. And I don't want to need to drink to get over the crippling self-awareness. I have gotten over it to some extent. I used to be completely alone and scared of walking out the door or communicating with people. Walking down the road to pick up some booze used to be my social highlight of the week. I'm not like that anymore, and I should know by now that people aren't going to treat me like crap because that's all I deserve. I do know, though sometimes I regress.

But now I'm making excuses. I can't be a binge drinker and a diligent student who impresses his tutors with his work and his knowledge. Someone with a bright future ahead of him. It is a struggle to see a bright future though. I'm trying but I'm so used to thinking the opposite. Self-loathing probably isn't the best way to react to drinking, but I do know that it's a problem. Thanks for all your replies. I regretted saying all that at first but maybe it's not a bad thing. I know I have a problem and that I should cut it out. That's the first step in AA isn't it?

[notloki]

It's the multi drunk days and drinking till you puke. Or staying drunk continually. 

You see alkohol is a poison, it is highly toxic. Your liver can only process so much in an hour and when you exceed this alcohol unchanged circulates through body until the liver catches up, so this poisons you.

I'm all for you seeing a psychiatrist, who has a repertoire of much less toxic drugs to treat what hurts you. Psychiatry offers a bridge off of the sauce while reducing the symptoms.

[Complicated toad]

I started as a binge drinker, keep it to weekends, and it did make me more agreeable because the crippling anxiety got better.  Then the binges got longer, the nice drunk became one no one wanted to be around and the drink became more important than everything else so I threw everything else away.  So life sucked even worse.  I am sorry to keep preaching my cautionary tale but I'd love to stop someone from the same mistake.  

[Fluent In Silence]

18 hours ago, notloki said:

It's the multi drunk days and drinking till you puke. Or staying drunk continually. 

You see alkohol is a poison, it is highly toxic. Your liver can only process so much in an hour and when you exceed this alcohol unchanged circulates through body until the liver catches up, so this poisons you.

I'm all for you seeing a psychiatrist, who has a repertoire of much less toxic drugs to treat what hurts you. Psychiatry offers a bridge off of the sauce while reducing the symptoms.

I was studying this recently because I had to make an academic poster on the effects of a drug on synaptic transmission. I chose to do it on alcohol, for obvious reasons, and it does really mess up your brain chemistry. Explains "hangxiety" and the insomnia, neither of which is a good thing for someone already prone to depression. Another thing I read was that people who don't suffer the worst effects from drinking alcohol are more at risk of developing a problem. If you vomit all over the place and wake up with a murderous headache another drink is probably the last thing you want. Serves as a deterrent. Unfortunately I don't get bad hangovers, and I don't black out or vomit. I only feel ill when I stop. If I was 18 it would sound like a boast to talk about how much I can drink without puking or any of the other negative effects. I'm more than twice that age and now it just seems like something to be ashamed of. Definitely not trying to boast. Learning about how it works was a deterrent, but not enough of a deterrent apparently.

I do see a counsellor, and this topic does come up a lot. I do binge drink less regularly now but I maybe sometimes go too far because of that. "I haven't drunk anything for two weeks! I deserve a reward!" 🤦‍♂️.

17 hours ago, Complicated toad said:

I started as a binge drinker, keep it to weekends, and it did make me more agreeable because the crippling anxiety got better.  Then the binges got longer, the nice drunk became one no one wanted to be around and the drink became more important than everything else so I threw everything else away.  So life sucked even worse.  I am sorry to keep preaching my cautionary tale but I'd love to stop someone from the same mistake.  

No it's fine toad. I was probably nearly there on a number of occasions. I can't say that I always stopped drinking because I have amazing self-control. Obviously I don't. It was more that I've made such a wreck of myself that I can't be bothered going out to get more. Though I was sometimes tempted to make the long weekend last until the next weekend. I know it's not good what I'm doing, and I don't mean to sound complacent or anything, but I'm probably at less risk of becoming a full blown alcoholic now than I have been in the past. Stuff to do, people to talk to, some dawning realisation that maybe life doesn't have to be so grim. I actually have something to fuck up now, which I didn't in the past. On the down side that does add to the guilt and self-loathing when I do drink. Doesn't make it OK. Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. A fucking big television and all that. (From Trainspotting if you don't get the reference. I'm old enough that I can't assume that people will understand what I'm referring to anymore and feel I need to explain. Trainspotting is a Scottish film made in 1996 ... God I'm talking rubbish again. I don't need alcohol for my brain to wander off on to some irrelevant tangent.

Edited December 27, 2020 by Fluent In Silence

[Complicated toad]

I get the Trainspotting reference, I've seen it, I even saw it in the 1990's as soon as it came out on videocasette (apparently the word videocasette is so obsolete that my spell check didn't recognize it and tried to change it).

Having something you don't want to fuck up is good, that's as good a motivator as any.

[Fluent In Silence]

22 minutes ago, Complicated toad said:

I get the Trainspotting reference, I've seen it, I even saw it in the 1990's as soon as it came out on videocasette (apparently the word videocasette is so obsolete that my spell check didn't recognize it and tried to change it).

Hah! Yes. Back in the day we had things called videocassettes, which we'd pick up from a place called Blockbuster. Hopefully I won't be discussing this in a nursing home one day. Does anyone else remember Blockbusters? What's wrong with kids these days? We aren't that old.

[Complicated toad]

On 12/27/2020 at 4:19 PM, Fluent In Silence said:

Hah! Yes. Back in the day we had things called videocassettes, which we'd pick up from a place called Blockbuster. Hopefully I won't be discussing this in a nursing home one day. Does anyone else remember Blockbusters? What's wrong with kids these days? We aren't that old.

 Blockbusters was awesome, even more was the two independent video stores in my city that had the best selections of bad B grade horror movies.  I enjoy telling my teenage kid about rotary dial phones and TV's where you had to get up and walk across the room to change the channel.  She seemed genuinely impressed that I survived childhood without YouTube.

[echolocation]

i still have a video rental store in my town. i think it rents video games too, but other than that i'm not really sure how it gets by.

[aquarian]

On 12/27/2020 at 4:19 PM, Fluent In Silence said:

Hah! Yes. Back in the day we had things called videocassettes, which we'd pick up from a place called Blockbuster. Hopefully I won't be discussing this in a nursing home one day. Does anyone else remember Blockbusters? What's wrong with kids these days? We aren't that old.

 

On 12/27/2020 at 3:47 PM, Complicated toad said:

I get the Trainspotting reference, I've seen it, I even saw it in the 1990's as soon as it came out on videocasette (apparently the word videocasette is so obsolete that my spell check didn't recognize it and tried to change it).

Having something you don't want to fuck up is good, that's as good a motivator as any.

Edited to add: My apologies to Fluent for veering even more off-topic with this crazy rambling post.

I actually owned Trainspotting on VHS back in the day. Even had the CD soundtrack at one point. Saw it pretty soon after it came out I think but not in the theatre as I would have been too young at the time to see an R-rated movie in a theatre without my parents present. I'm slowly coming to grips with the fact that I'm pretty much ancient at this point. Blockbuster kind of sucked IMO because the fines were ridiculous if you returned a movie like even a couple hours late or whatever. That's how they seemed to make their money...the fines. I always returned my videos on time but I saw many unhappy customers there complaining about late fees.

Remember when you had to drive to go to blockbuster to pick out a movie? You had to plan it as part of the night or date or whatever. Hey friends, let's go out to blockbuster and pick out a movie. 

I don't miss blockbuster (my library has an excellent dvd collection, no fines, plus there's streaming through the library, netflix, etc.) but I do kind of miss the porn/"adult" sections of independent movie rental places. I hear there's porn on the internet, but I kind of miss the separate section for "adults only" and browsing all the covers and crazy titles in person. I remember that if it was produced by Vivid or Wicked it was usually a decent production. This was back in the early 2000s though.

And I had to use google to remember Wicked was the other film production company/studio or whatever so now my google search history is filled with "popular porn film production companies" and all sorts of variations on that theme. God I hope those searches don't ruin my currently benign slate of targeted ads that want me to shop at LL Bean, Joann Fabric's yarn, etc. One time I couldn't resist clicking on a ball saxx ad and I got nothing but men's bulging crotches clad in tight undies for weeks in my sidebar...Christ. I remember when there was a discussion of saxx on crazyboards and whether it really was "life-changing" for men. (Reviews were either love em or hate em IIRC.) Now I've gone and googled ball saxx just to remember the correct spelling and up pops "Shinesty: Mens Ball Hammock Pouch Underwear". Is shinesty like a rip-off of ball saxx? Which came first?

Check out this pair (which by the way would scare the living bejesus out of me if I pulled down some guys pants and was confronted with that level of american patriotism, plus the angry eagle...it's like the eagle is warning me to stay away from the cock, which I would think is not the intended objective?):

Whoever wrote the description section for them deserves some kind of award or mention....if they gave out awards for best written clothing descriptions. (Do they?) I mean, the J Peterman catalog* would generally win the sartorial Pulitzer or whatever, but maybe they could get an honorable mention or nomination at least (at least in the childish humor category)?

"Introducing The Mascot Ball Hammocks, aka the eagle's nest, where your balls will experience an unprecedented level of comfort and support from here on out. It's as if your plums mounted a cloud while riding Falcor from The Neverending Story. Or, in this case, the wings of a god-damn Eagle. So check out our American Flag Ball Hammock boxers, you will not be disappointed."

*J Peterman example at random (christ, they make can even make 100% poly crepe sound almost appealing and it's on sale for $168 and everything...) :

The Eisenhower Jacket

"DETAILS

Don't Wear This in Minnesota.

The bold color. The military flair. You can almost hear Ravel’s Bolero in the background.

These splendid suit pieces are sure to command attention…which can cause problems in The Land of 10,000 Lakes. Because at least one city there has now enacted an Anti-Staring Ordinance.

(Does anybody remember anymore that the collapse of the Roman Empire was due to a surfeit of paralyzing rules and regulations? Attila just knocked at the gate.)

Elsewhere, please feel free to bask in the warm regard of people who will be disposed to expect good things of you.

Eisenhower Jacket (No. 6797). Military-inspired fitted suit jacket with medium wide lapels. Single breasted style with set-in sleeves and two chest pockets with button closure. Back waist belt. 100% poly crepe. Poly lining. Gold metal shank buttons. Imported."

Edited January 1 by aquarian