in the cold ground

[echolocation]

my bearded dragon died yesterday. we buried him in a garden that we named after him years ago due to his fondness for hiding under the plants there, and put a large rock on top of the grave so no animals can dig it up.

i know he's dead. i felt the rigor mortis freeze up his body. i touched his eyes and his mouth to see if he would react. he didn't. i know he's gone. i know there's no life there anymore.

i still am having a lot of trouble with the idea that he's outside in the cold dirt. i can't get over the fact that his little body is wrapped in a cloth and just... in the ground. like i could go dig him up. it feels wrong that we just put him out there alone in the cold. it doesn't seem like a good fate.

i'm definitely having obsessive intrusive sort of thoughts about this, but i don't know how much of that is grief or OCD or just how OCD manifests in grief. but it's horrible to live with.

 

if any of you have anything comforting to say about the practice of burial, i'd really appreciate it. i need to find reasons to feel like this is okay. i've never been to a burial or had to bury pets before. i've only experienced cremation, which to me feels like freeing the soul of the binds of the body. i feel like i've condemned him to the cold, lonely earth.

[CrazyRedhead]

10 hours ago, echolocation said:

if any of you have anything comforting to say about the practice of burial, i'd really appreciate it. i need to find reasons to feel like this is okay. i've never been to a burial or had to bury pets before. i've only experienced cremation, which to me feels like freeing the soul of the binds of the body. i feel like i've condemned him to the cold, lonely earth.

In the past, I've had some pets cremated, and some were buried, also....I believe that when an animal dies, it's spirit is released from the body, whether the little body is cremated or buried.

For burials, I've always found that putting a little memorial grave marker can be comforting.. You can make one yourself, or have one professionally done.......If you are able to, maybe planting a little memorial tree near where he's buried could be helpful as well..

I'm so sorry for your loss....

Edited December 22, 2020 by CrazyRedhead

[echolocation]

thanks, @CrazyRedhead. it's comforting to think that the spirit releases when the body dies. i'm still trying to get my head around that.

i think when the weather gets warmer i'll paint the rock marking his resting place.

i had a hysterical crying fit over this shortly after posting last night. my mum asked if i want to dig him up and cremate him, but i don't want to see his body again, and i don't want to disturb him. she suggested the problem isn't actually the burial, but that's the front my brain has chosen to mask whatever i'm actually upset about. you know when you have a horrible day and then something small makes you cry? it's not the small thing that's making you cry, it's everything else. 

i think the bigger picture here is that i feel powerless over his death. a big part of caring for bearded dragons is keeping them warm, and i can't even keep him warm anymore. i hope that makes sense.

[sugarsugar]

Totally makes sense to me. It’s hard to lose a pet of any kind and I admit I have the ashes of my cremated pets. I’ve never buried a deceased pet but think I too would not be comfortable, cremation seems what I would choose too. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s hard no matter what. 

[echolocation]

i read something today about a person who raised rats as pets, and when they died, the owner would bury them and then plant flowers above the body. they said the body decomposes and feeds the flower, and in that way, the deceased is with you forever. that's so far the most compelling explanation for burying a pet i've read. i'm still more comfortable with cremation, but that.... it helped, a little.

i have the ashes of my dog sitting on a shelf in the living room. i understand holding onto them.

i'm listening to a lot of nicole dollanganger. she sings about death and burial in a few of songs off her album observatory mansions. unsure if it's comforting or just picking at a scab.

this should probably be in a blog. thank you all for putting up with me while i work through this.

[jarn]

I think the flower idea is a lovely one.  I've buried and cremated pets, I am not sure which I prefer (most of my pets have died in apartments, so...yeah).