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Hi! Happy holidays! I hope everything's going well in your lives.

 

I had my first psychotic episode this summer. It lasted from around june to november, when I was put in the psychiatric area of the hospital. I feel totally embarassed by this, I went around town screaming at people some times. Me shouting around happened like 3 or 4 times, two of those days I called those people 'child abusers'. I was convinced they were. Also I started talking out loud with the voices in my head like, in...october? Maybe it was october, it's a bit hard for me to recall time frames for this. I thought everyone knew why I was doing that. I went around a promenade shouting what I was singing...Idk, this is a small town. I told some people I thought I was a Kaiser. Not to talk about the day I was put into the hospital...

 

I don't know how to cope with this. This is a small town and most probably people have been talking about it. Probably not as much as I imagine, but stil...I feel terribly embarrased and ashamed of my own actions. I think everyone my age knows about this, people are gossip and some of them quite nosy. Idk how to cope. I feel unmotivated. This year I have nothing to do. I didn't enroll uni - I'd probably have lost money if I had, but now I just have nothing to do and feel super extra unmotivated and...I just can't. It'd been some years ever since the last time I was this depressed, and I can't quite put my finger on how I stopped being this depressed. Having a job worked, and I felt useful, but now life has changed with covid... I also worry that because of this psychotic episode I won't have any job around here in a long time. Idk what to do. How do I get out of this mental state now that I'm well?? How do I stop worrying about people talking about an episode of my life I can't remember correctly?

Sorry if the post is too long.

 

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I feel for you.  Keeping busy is a good thing for me but it's hard during COVID - what about volunteering?  Are there any opportunities?

With respect to the embarrassment - I am sorry you're feeling that way.  My psychosis tends to be very quiet because when people are plotting against me, or tracking me, I can't let on that I know.  I am lucky that way.  But I have to keep my stuff secret, even from people who know I get psychotic.  They wouldn't understand.  

 

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It takes me months to get better after a psychotic episode.  Time doesn't exactly heal, but it gets better.  I too have acted out in public while psychotic --- many times across many years and episodes.  I can't control what people may think.   For the most part, I've learned that people are more understanding than I imagined them to be.  

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On 12/26/2020 at 6:24 PM, jarn said:

what about volunteering?  Are there any opportunities?

Not now with COVID that I know of. 

 

On 12/26/2020 at 6:24 PM, jarn said:

My psychosis tends to be very quiet because when people are plotting against me, or tracking me, I can't let on that I know.  I am lucky that way.  But I have to keep my stuff secret, even from people who know I get psychotic.  They wouldn't understand.

Me too. I didn't tell anyone, I just screamed one day that I thought my family was possesed cause I couldn't take anything more on, I was on the brisk of a panick attack. Though I think it'd be wise for you to tell someone who knows that your mind can get to that and that could help you. 

 

17 hours ago, Will said:

I can't control what people may think.   For the most part, I've learned that people are more understanding than I imagined them to be. 

I'm happy to hear most people are compassionate towards you and what you go through. Do you live in a big town or city? 

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Ah yes, that's one of the bad things about COVID.  

I can tell my husband - he's understanding and doesn't overreact.  I am lucky in that.

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8 hours ago, ElectricFeel said:

I'm happy to hear most people are compassionate towards you and what you go through. Do you live in a big town or city? 

Smaller sized city, but people in the neighborhood know because I have acted out in the neighborhood.  Also, I have gone to my wife's office and yelled at people.  In that instance all I could think to do was to send letters of apology explaining that I was delusional

Edited by Will

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I am from a small town and have massive paranoia. But the reality is very few people know. Pharmacists do not gossip. Doctors don't gossip. There was a book about life that i picked up decades ago.The very first page says everybody is thinking about themselves first. So stay confident even in a small town. Definitley don't send out cards because then you have labeled yourself as delusional and people will really gossip. I know many members on this site will tell you different. But living in a small town is hard.

When I fall into a depression I'm 'gone' so to speak. I don't like cliches, however, this one is true. Set one goal for yourself to accomplish. Only one. If and when, add two goals from the day. It is a start that may work for you.

Stay as strong as you can. 

 

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