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Intrusive 'suicidal' thoughts?


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The last few days I have suicidal thoughts pop into my head - my husband took one of the dogs out mid-evening yesterday and I went into the washroom and thought ‘You have time to drown yourself before he gets back’.  Similar thoughts today - ‘do it now’.  I don’t think I’m actually suicidal - I do feel down - I think they're OCD intrusive thoughts...?  Am I off?

But I’m not sure if I need to see pdoc or not.  I don’t think I’m in danger.  I was supposed to see him next week but changed it to the March 10th so we could have my lab results (go March 8th).

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Thanks @dancesintherain

I think I'm worried they might be command hallucinations - but I hear it inside my head.  I've had an OCD/psychotic violent thought combo before, so who knows.

I did email pdoc, and Toby is going to come home (he's at work).  I need to work though, but it would be good to have him with me.  (I'm halfway through a review of a 80 page legal document, fun fun fun)

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1 hour ago, jarn said:

Thanks @dancesintherain

I think I'm worried they might be command hallucinations - but I hear it inside my head.  I've had an OCD/psychotic violent thought combo before, so who knows.

I did email pdoc, and Toby is going to come home (he's at work).  I need to work though, but it would be good to have him with me.  (I'm halfway through a review of a 80 page legal document, fun fun fun)

My command hallucinations have been in other voices, not my own. That said, I’ve had them come from both inside my head and outside my head. So I’ll have someone else’s voice inside my head compelling me to do something (typically suicidal/homicidal or non-lethal SH), possibly with visuals to boot, OR inanimate objects telling me to do something in their own voices. The objects have been real objects so far, not visual hallucinations.

The singular defining feature of these command hallucinations has been that I feel very strongly compelled to perform the command. It can take a lot of strength not to act on them, especially when they’re suicidal or instructing you to harm yourself in a very significant way. But for the intervention of friends on some occasions, I very likely would have succumbed. That’s just my experience. YMMV. 

I would definitely mention this to pdoc, even if you think you’re safe from acting on them. At the very least, you might learn something about them, even if you can’t stop them from happening.

Edited by Goofball
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Yeah last night it was a mix of my voice and the main guy who tells me what to do.  This morning it was all him.  

When I had homicidal thoughts last year, pdoc said they were both compulsive (felt compelled) and psychotic (no remorse).  

My husband has come home to help me, and hopefully I hear back from pdoc soon.

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The weekend was better, but Sunday went downhill a bit at the end of the day so Toby stayed home with me again.  I have had a lot of voices today urging me to kill myself - sort of me, sort of not.  My bad anxiety continues.  

Toby said he'd stay home with me tomorrow, but I don't want him continually missing work either.  I didn't work today.  

 

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1 hour ago, jarn said:

The weekend was better, but Sunday went downhill a bit at the end of the day so Toby stayed home with me again.  I have had a lot of voices today urging me to kill myself - sort of me, sort of not.  My bad anxiety continues.  

Toby said he'd stay home with me tomorrow, but I don't want him continually missing work either.  I didn't work today.  

 

It’s too bad your pdoc appointment is Thursday instead of tomorrow. I hope you can hang on.

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I worked a bit today - 4 hours, split up into two.  So that's good.  I did some research that was simple enough.  

My husband is back at work.  I feel worse today than I did yesterday.  When I feel really bad I think 'I wish I was dead' though I also know I don't really mean it.  

Ugh.

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I hope I'm ready.  I mean, a zyprexa increase isn't going to happen (being at 30mg already) and in many way I am uncomfortable with zyprexa.  I don't know what to suggest or ask for.  I have some questions about what the zyprexa could be doing, so I'll ask those.  

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