jarn Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 The last few days I have suicidal thoughts pop into my head - my husband took one of the dogs out mid-evening yesterday and I went into the washroom and thought ‘You have time to drown yourself before he gets back’. Similar thoughts today - ‘do it now’. I don’t think I’m actually suicidal - I do feel down - I think they're OCD intrusive thoughts...? Am I off? But I’m not sure if I need to see pdoc or not. I don’t think I’m in danger. I was supposed to see him next week but changed it to the March 10th so we could have my lab results (go March 8th). Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dancesintherain Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 I've had what sounds like similar things before. I think it wouldn't hurt to call pdoc--can you say what you said here (that you're not feeling suicidal but do feel down and think they're OCD-related)? This feels like one of those better to be safe moments. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jarn Posted February 26 Author Share Posted February 26 Thanks @dancesintherain I think I'm worried they might be command hallucinations - but I hear it inside my head. I've had an OCD/psychotic violent thought combo before, so who knows. I did email pdoc, and Toby is going to come home (he's at work). I need to work though, but it would be good to have him with me. (I'm halfway through a review of a 80 page legal document, fun fun fun) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dancesintherain Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 I’m glad you reached out to pdoc and Toby (and here). I could see how it is possibly ocd, possibly command hallucinations, and possibly both. good to be safe. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Goofball Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 (edited) 1 hour ago, jarn said: Thanks @dancesintherain I think I'm worried they might be command hallucinations - but I hear it inside my head. I've had an OCD/psychotic violent thought combo before, so who knows. I did email pdoc, and Toby is going to come home (he's at work). I need to work though, but it would be good to have him with me. (I'm halfway through a review of a 80 page legal document, fun fun fun) My command hallucinations have been in other voices, not my own. That said, I’ve had them come from both inside my head and outside my head. So I’ll have someone else’s voice inside my head compelling me to do something (typically suicidal/homicidal or non-lethal SH), possibly with visuals to boot, OR inanimate objects telling me to do something in their own voices. The objects have been real objects so far, not visual hallucinations. The singular defining feature of these command hallucinations has been that I feel very strongly compelled to perform the command. It can take a lot of strength not to act on them, especially when they’re suicidal or instructing you to harm yourself in a very significant way. But for the intervention of friends on some occasions, I very likely would have succumbed. That’s just my experience. YMMV. I would definitely mention this to pdoc, even if you think you’re safe from acting on them. At the very least, you might learn something about them, even if you can’t stop them from happening. Edited February 26 by Goofball Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jarn Posted February 26 Author Share Posted February 26 Yeah last night it was a mix of my voice and the main guy who tells me what to do. This morning it was all him. When I had homicidal thoughts last year, pdoc said they were both compulsive (felt compelled) and psychotic (no remorse). My husband has come home to help me, and hopefully I hear back from pdoc soon. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
yarnandcats Posted February 26 Share Posted February 26 just wanted to say sending support your way @jarn no real words of wisdom; i get what you're dealing with, though. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jarn Posted February 26 Author Share Posted February 26 Thanks @yarnandcats - I appreciate it. I DID get an appointment for next Thursday, so the appointment was bumped up by a week. I think I'll be okay until then. I hope! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jarn Posted February 27 Author Share Posted February 27 I was just thinking - I've been anxious this week for no real reason. Then this. Must remember to tell pdoc that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jarn Posted March 1 Author Share Posted March 1 The weekend was better, but Sunday went downhill a bit at the end of the day so Toby stayed home with me again. I have had a lot of voices today urging me to kill myself - sort of me, sort of not. My bad anxiety continues. Toby said he'd stay home with me tomorrow, but I don't want him continually missing work either. I didn't work today. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Goofball Posted March 1 Share Posted March 1 1 hour ago, jarn said: The weekend was better, but Sunday went downhill a bit at the end of the day so Toby stayed home with me again. I have had a lot of voices today urging me to kill myself - sort of me, sort of not. My bad anxiety continues. Toby said he'd stay home with me tomorrow, but I don't want him continually missing work either. I didn't work today. It’s too bad your pdoc appointment is Thursday instead of tomorrow. I hope you can hang on. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dancesintherain Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 sorry jarn, that sounds distressing. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
echolocation Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 good for you for taking today off. it sounds like you needed it. i'm sorry your head is so noisy lately. hopefully thursday comes quickly. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jarn Posted March 2 Author Share Posted March 2 Thanks @Goofball @dancesintherain and @echolocation I will play tomorrow by ear I guess. I think I will be okay, but I know Toby is concerned what might happen if the voices get stronger. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
yarnandcats Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 hang in there @jarn we're all here if you need to share more, should that help Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jarn Posted March 2 Author Share Posted March 2 Thanks @yarnandcats - just got up for good, one strategy is to sleep away the day I guess! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dancesintherain Posted March 2 Share Posted March 2 sleeping sounds like a perfectly acceptable option right now. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jarn Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 I worked a bit today - 4 hours, split up into two. So that's good. I did some research that was simple enough. My husband is back at work. I feel worse today than I did yesterday. When I feel really bad I think 'I wish I was dead' though I also know I don't really mean it. Ugh. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dancesintherain Posted March 3 Share Posted March 3 that;s about how much I worked today also, though mine was split into more than two segments. I'm sorry you're feeling worse today. Do you feel ready to talk with pdoc tomorrow? Maybe get a new idea on the table? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jarn Posted March 3 Author Share Posted March 3 I hope I'm ready. I mean, a zyprexa increase isn't going to happen (being at 30mg already) and in many way I am uncomfortable with zyprexa. I don't know what to suggest or ask for. I have some questions about what the zyprexa could be doing, so I'll ask those. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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