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QUIET borderline vs REGULAR borderline


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hey i was wondering if anyone knows anything about the "quiet" borderline.  i have read somewhere that this type of borderline person does not act out like the regular borderlines.  i haven't been diagnosed with anything, but sometimes i think i may be borderline, except that i don't act out.  i have arguments in my head and i can stop myself from freaking out and i only show this side of me to a few people.  otherwise i hold it all inside.

are there any quiet borderlines around here?  if so, what are you like?  how can you tell you are bpd, and that you're not just imagining it or making it up?

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are there any quiet borderlines around here?  if so, what are you like?  how can you tell you are bpd, and that you're not just imagining it or making it up?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

duno. i'm quiet, i have a ?dx so not official, but they say tendencies. blah. i think my pdoc is reading linehan - i saw it in his office.

i was starting to get ragey and getting more vocal, due to a lot of stress and situation stuff; been depressed for a couple of years, but was getting into mood swing territory after a bout with ADs.

but yeah. quiet. ruminating hell. si and basic dysregulation.

now that i moved back home? i am beginning to seriously ponder (and maybe address in therapy) this notion of 'emotionally invalidating environment'  ;)

z/pj

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hey i was wondering if anyone knows anything about the "quiet" borderline.  i have read somewhere that this type of borderline person does not act out like the regular borderlines.  i haven't been diagnosed with anything, but sometimes i think i may be borderline, except that i don't act out.  i have arguments in my head and i can stop myself from freaking out and i only show this side of me to a few people.  otherwise i hold it all inside.

are there any quiet borderlines around here?  if so, what are you like?  how can you tell you are bpd, and that you're not just imagining it or making it up?

when you say you can stop yourself from freaking out and only show "this side of me" to a few people, what is that side?

do you ever freak out alone?

a large part of borderling is about keeping emotions wrapped up tight and hidden from the rest of the world.  a lot of borderlines only let them out when alone or around certain people.  often how the emotions are let out is in a quiet (as in not heard by neighbors, etc.) but maladaptive/self-destructive manner. 

not that i could ever diagnose you, of course, but more information would help.

take care,

penny

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when you say you can stop yourself from freaking out and only show "this side of me" to a few people, what is that side?

do you ever freak out alone?

a large part of borderling is about keeping emotions wrapped up tight and hidden from the rest of the world.  a lot of borderlines only let them out when alone or around certain people.  often how the emotions are let out is in a quiet (as in not heard by neighbors, etc.) but maladaptive/self-destructive manner.

not that i could ever diagnose you, of course, but more information would help.

take care,

penny

i usually (more often than not) freak out when by myself, and sometimes i let my weirdness seep out.  for example, my friends think i'm overreacting over something.  oftentimes i know i'm overreacting so i don't overreact, even though the feelings in my head can't help but overreact.  if my thoughts are stronger than my actions then i swear under my breath or turn around away from people's views and have a mini-freak out.  i try to hide my true feelings cuz i don't want people to judge me, hate me, or think that i'm being immature. 

one example is me and three of my friends had made lunch plans.  the day before, one of them called me and said that she had to do something with her family so we'd re-schedule.  i said "fine", but after getting off the phone i was super angry at her and had a little alone-freak out.  i knew it was irrational; we even re-scheduled!  but that really really bothered me... :S

so yeah, i babbled on sorry, but i DO freak out by myself more often than not, and a couple of my friends know that i'm very irritable.  sometimes i get so irritated i si.

THANKS for the comments so far everyone! 

so there IS a difference between regular borderline and quiet borderline?

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so there IS a difference between regular borderline and quiet borderline?

i'm not sure.  probably partially b/c i've never heard of the term quiet borderline.  but mostly because i think a lot of borderlines are quiet.  i was quiet for years (other than fights with my father) and only became loud during actual fights at the ends of relationships, and right before i went into treatment.  in other words, i became "loud" only after many many many years of escalation.  prior to that i either never cried or only cried alone, i never fought or would only fight with my father, i would have fits, but only when no one was there to see.  life was about maintaining a facade of emotional control....

so, i'm not sure if there is a difference.

i think being quiet, hiding emotions, is a large part of borderline.

perhaps loud is about degree of escalation?

i'm not sure.

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I agree with Penny.

I think most borderlines are pretty well-concealed, if that makes sense.  I only "do the weird stuff" or "act out" or whatever with people that I have a certain level of comfort/care/intensity with, unless there are other major emotional stressors involved.

I googled quiet borderline, because I'd never heard of it, either, and the article that kept coming up was weird for me in several ways.

First off, statements such as:

At the root of so much of BPD, is anger and rage because it is anger and rage that are summoned up to protect against the pain. If one is not acting out that anger and rage (classic borderline presentation) then one is more likely to have an even more severe depression since, essentially, depression is anger turned inward.

make me really uneasy- they seem to be kind of emotionally invalidating themselves.  Like the "quiet borderline" is the "good" borderline, and the rest of us are angry evil borderlines who don't suffer as much.

I also don't see how these women's experiences were particularly "quiet"... or what that even really means.

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I googled quiet borderline, because I'd never heard of it, either, and the article that kept coming up was weird for me in several ways.

First off, statements such as:

At the root of so much of BPD, is anger and rage because it is anger and rage that are summoned up to protect against the pain. If one is not acting out that anger and rage (classic borderline presentation) then one is more likely to have an even more severe depression since, essentially, depression is anger turned inward.

make me really uneasy- they seem to be kind of emotionally invalidating themselves.  Like the "quiet borderline" is the "good" borderline, and the rest of us are angry evil borderlines who don't suffer as much.

I also don't see how these women's experiences were particularly "quiet"... or what that even really means.

UH.... wtf is that noise? 

yeah, the quiet ones feel the REAL pain.  that's crap.  all borderlines suffer immesurable crippling emotional pain.  and that theory about how letting out the anger makes it better is bullshit as no amount of cutting or drinking or smashing of mirrors or whatever ever made me feel one iota better.  living a life of loud desparation is no easier than a life of quiet desparation.  if i was, in fact, "loud"

i realize that sometimes borderlines get scary and  throw shit, and yeah sure, there was one ex who i put through living hell (he did fuck my best friend though) but ... i don't see how the experiences these women described are any different from the experiences i had, the experiences of my borderline friends, or the experiences of the borderlines on this board. 

i don't think there is a difference. 

the majority of the time, in my experience, that a borderline "acts out" they act out ON THEMSELVES.  sure, substance abuse and parasuicidal behavior can have spill over and affect family members and friends.  and i'm not denying that some borderlines do cause scenes/threaten suicide/get dramatic... but i think the manipulitive nature of borderlines is HIGHLY over emphasized.

or, as my tdoc put it... describing borderlines as manipulative is absurd because they are simply so bad at actually manipulating the behavior of those around them. 

oh, and this quote, this quote just..

The quiet borderline is not the feared borderline.

WOW THANKS!!!! way to help out borderlines and end stigma!

so yeah, becca, i concur... the "quiet" borderline is somehow the "good" borderline. 

but, by that article's definition of a "quiet" borderline, i see no distinction.  and while i would like it if no borderlines were "feared" i think that creating a false subtype does nothing but confuse people and obfuscate the fact that all borderlines are in pain, and all borderlines pretty much get dicked over by the mental health system. 

if there is a "loud" borderline out there, let me know.  i'll get you a megaphone so you can cuss out the people who came up with this absurd distinction.

penny

(who is sorry for the rant, but didn't want to bottle up her rage.  because, unlike what the article implies, it is the repression of all negative emotions (anger included, but also sadness, fear, shame, etc.) that leads to maladaptive harmful behaviors and so i am self-validating my emotions here by sharing the fact that this article hurt my feelings and angered me, and those feelings are valid and real.  so there ;) )

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as someone who is borderline i think this whole notion of quite borderline sounds rather silly. i am quite, until i snap or hit breaking points then watch out if your around me cause the gloves are off, no holds barred, elbows allowed, shoes go flying in peoples faces.

i think it is wrong to class boardlines in that way because really when u think about it we are all different in symptoms, we are all quite at times, all loud at other times, all talk to ourselves sometimes. and just the notion that quite is different or better, to me its kinda like arguing over which form of eating disorder is better anna or bul.

i think if u r worried u mayb r borderline have a look at the DSM criteria and then have a chat to your p-doc. good luck 2 u

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thanks for all the responses everyone!

ya i don't even remember where i heard this "quiet borderline" theory, but now i agree yes, it is quite silly.  the site you guys were talking about i'd never seen.

subcategorizing is NOT a good idea...

well i think that everyone has their quiet and loud moments (this is everyone in general, not just borderlines).  depends who you feel comfortable with, and what topics you have in common with other people.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've gotten the BPD diagnosis.  I'm extremely needy and clingy to my loved ones..I don't know how to deal with my feelings without these special people.  It's a harsh dx, o doubt.  You get labeled a "difficult one" right away, but don't let this discourage you fromt trying to get adequate help. Life sucks but there are a ton of people you can rant to that can make you feel better :-P

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my shrink gave me that diagnosis. quiet borderline.

i think of it more as "managed" borderline. because mine is under control. well, hidden really. because i'm very functional. but it's still in my head. i just deal with it.

i agree that quiet borderline is very much the "good" borderline. which is a piece of judgmental shit.

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  • 3 years later...
Guest quietmom

I am a borderline. Almost 50 years old. Suffered with "Depression" most of my life. Been in therapy most of my life. At the hospital they write that I am borderline, but the people I work with long-term never write it down, because they know I am not dangerous, but we talk about it alot. I see myself as the quiet borderline, because only my husband,clergy and mental health professionals knew I was suffering all that time. I don't explode, but I attach intensely to authority figures (looking for a father) and none can give me the extreme amount of attention that I silently scream for. Any little distancing behavior from them (and I can smell it in a second) and I feel I am being abandoned. Then I hate myself for being so needy and feel I deserve to have them leave me, and soon I am thinking how I want to disappear, but I can't because of my kids (still have young ones)I don't want to hurt them. So the only thing I can do is cut myself -- It's only quiet because it is more difficult to see and diagnose, not because of the level of pain. If you throw things, they know it. If you cut where no one ever sees, planning your death, but smile at everyone you see, help people, socialize normally, raise good kids, seem very patient, still and calm, what else can they call it? The difference is, I believe, do you endanger other people, are you going to attack the people who try to help you -- then they are going to be afraid of working with you. In my case, all they have to fear is will I kill myself if they turn me away. I always wonder if I created this myself, if it is real, if people even believe in the diagnosis or if they think it is just an excuse to behave badly. But each time my family moves part of me dies, and yet when I get to the new place I will feel myself sucked like a vacuum toward the nearest male authority figure. It is not in my control. Each time I leave the office of the person I am attached to, I feel sick and lost, as if I have ceased to exist to that person. It happens every time, place after place, therapy after therapy, medication after medication. I hope it is real. I need to believe it is real, or else I can't bear the weight of the thought that I am responsible for all this mess I live in.

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I don't explode, but I attach intensely to authority figures (looking for a father) and none can give me the extreme amount of attention that I silently scream for. Any little distancing behavior from them (and I can smell it in a second) and I feel I am being abandoned. Then I hate myself for being so needy and feel I deserve to have them leave me, and soon I am thinking how I want to disappear,

I could've written that myself. You're not alone.

Like May said - if you feel comfortable joining and you start a thread, I'm sure lots of people will relate to/support you.

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  • 2 years later...

I was told I had some Borderline Personality and some Avoidant Personality by a psychiatrist. I don't talk much and I feel angry a lot. I never let anger out. Sometimes I don't even know what I am feeling apart from depressed. I rarely socialise. Psychiatrists and psychologists have tried to convince me to socialise but I don't see the point. I have nothing to say anyway. I go to this anxiety group but I am not even sure that is my problem. I just want to be loved and I just want to be me. I am not even sure who me is anymore.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Maybe they mean "functional borderline." That's what my therapist calls me. Out of the 9 criteria I have 7 of them...however, most people would not be able to tell. I'm able to control my symptoms because I know what they are, I guess. I have never been hospitalized and I work full time as a nurse, am happily married, med/therapy compliant, etc. It's taken awhile for me to get like this but idk...

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OMG, that's such bullshit...I hate it when I hear other nurses at work say..."ugh..that's borderline behavior..." or today I heard "well, she said probably....that's a borderline word...so she won't do it." What the hell does that mean??? I'm sorry but I hear other people use the word probably all the time. No one wants to deal with borderline patients cuz "they're too difficult" and "we can't help them." I always take them in my assignment because I understand them...

Edited by Psychnut555
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  • 5 years later...

I believe that the theory behind "classic" and "quiet" types within the borderline spectrum came into being to either make it easier for treating doctors to recognize BPD in people who do not present as the "textbook case" or to make dealing with a diagnosis not so terrifying for people. 

I'm not going to lie, it still hurts me to this day that I was diagnosed with BPD. I do everything in my power to not be re-diagnosed because it hurts me as it gives validation to the points as to why nobody wants to be around me and it scares off potential doctors and/ or makes them believe I'm just being dramatic when I tell them anything. If I were to be re-diagnosed I'd honestly just off myself as most doctors don't talk about sub-categories of BPD and just see (mostly) everyone with it as terrible people who don't want or deserve help, so it is hard to find accurate help whether I'm honest or dishonest about my true self. 

Despite identifying as and wanting to be labelled as a quiet borderline, even I agree that sub-categorization in BPD is not a good idea because it further divides people with it and gives the notion of "good" and "bad" borderlines. It only serves to allow doctors to treat classic behavior within the diagnosis as a crime. 

No one with BPD is bad because of their symptoms and we all deserve to be treated fairly, and well, by loved ones, professionals, and peers. The system is failing if we are not treated with kindness and respect. 

 

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