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Waiting for assessment & struggling....


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Gah! I messed up and this is the second time I have tried to post this.

Well.Anyway.

This will likely be kind of long so i apologize in advance....

So,I will be turning 46 in July.I have had my eating disorder now for decades.In and out of treatment.I feel so pathetic.There have been periods where I have been able to maintain a healthy body weight,but my eating was never really normalized.

My anorexia arose pretty badly when I was 32 after leaving an abusive relationship.It was-it was my solace.It was a focus away from my pain,but it quickly got away from me.

In June of last year I was quite ill and went into a general pysch unit where they didn't quite know what to do with me,other than to police my eating.I went through refeeding there,came out with a positive attitude and started working with a private dietician.I did really well from July till the end of December,although I was growing weary of feeling like my life revolved around eating,cooking,shopping for food,monitoring myself and my meal plan in my journal.Really pretty kind of ironic as it takes the same kind of energy to live a disordered life.But yeah,it was starting to bother me.

And my body.It was changing of course.All my beloved sharp angles were gone.My dietician wanted me to do body image work with my pdoc who is also my tdoc,but I don't think either of us was comfortable with that.I mean,I trust him implictley,but I did not want to discuss my body image with a man,and my dietician did very little work with me around that.

Anyway these old feelings were arising,and I didn't quite know what to do with them.I was scared.I had an appointment with my dietician two days before Christmas to plan how I was going to stick to my meal plan throughout the holidays without her or my pdoc's support.She also added in a challenge of a holiday treat I was supposed to have.At first i felt pretty confident I could be ok,but at Christmas I binged on that treat and felt so ashamed and defeated.My whole meal plan flew out the window.

When it came time for my appointment with my dietician in Janaury I sent her an email saying,"I have a lot going on right now and I am just unable to focus on recovery." She said she understood our priorites can change,but she left the door open to me.I firmly shut that door and lost a great deal of weight in just over a month.

But it was not just anorexia.I was truly attempting to starve myself to death.I just felt completley hopeless.But despite all the abuse I have put my body through over the years it has proven to be incredibly resilient.I figured well,this is taking too loo long,took an overdose and ended up hospitalized involuntarily.

I had been inpatient at that hospital before,and I was a familiar face to some of the old staff.I was on the general pysch unit but they also have an EDU pf ten beds there where I have also been a patient.I was actually very lucky because they did something unsual for me.They let me work with the EDU's dietican and I could choose my meals from the EDUs meal plan instead of being on the general pysch unit's meal rotation.

I did pretty well and my head became clearer,my mood improved.I only missed two meals when something triggered me.I was only there 3 weeks so didn't really gain any weight,but by discharge i had it in my mind that I could go home and do it on my own.What a joke.

In the hospital my inpatient pdoc had referred me to another hospital's partial program,and although I was not too keen on doing yet another program I agreed it wouldn't hurt to at least talk to them.It would be three afternoons and evenings a week but I would be responsible for my meals and snacks the rest of the week on my own.

Well the morning after I got home from the hospital all my motivation died.I did go get food.But it was just my two "safe " foods.I started restricting heavily right away and started losing weight rapidly.I have only been out of the hospital a month and have lost quite a bit of weight to the point that I highly doubt I would be accepted into the partial program based on my BMI and because I simply do not eat meals.I don't.

My pdoc/tdoc is very worried about me.We both agree that my OCD has most joyfully latched on to my anorexia and is just fueling it along,I am constantly weighing myself,recording my BMI in my journal and writing how I feel about it and writing little else.I have been doing insane things like obsessivley watching the food network and even staring at pieces of cake on my computer,(Can't believe I am telling you all this I am so ashamed)

My pdoc is an OCD expert and has actually said he hopes that my OCD will decide to switch gears and come up with a new obsession to replace this one,as that is how my OCD works a whole lot of the time.

But I am so addicted to losing weight.I love it.In such an admittedly sick way.I just cannot stop.

I suggested inpatient to my pdoc and he said he would support an admission but it would have to be the last time.I tend to agree with him.He keeps asking if I have heard from the hospital with the partial program but no.I am so lucky to live in Canada where we don't have to deal with the insurance issues you in the US sadly must,but this also means long waiting lists.For both partial and ip I could be waiting up to 3 months.And that is just for an assessment not for a certainty of a place in their program.Meanwhile I am getting more and more sick.

I...I just can't contact my old dietician.I can't get rid of my scale.I have such fiery ambivilance in me.My pdoc says that once the disorder starts affecting me cognitively that is when I get scared and am more willing to attempt recovery yet again.I am sure in this post you are noticing my starved brain...I *am* getting scared.Yes my body has been resilient as I said but sooner later it *will* give out.

My life span has already likely been significantly shortened.

One of the things about treatment is that I am usually the oldest or one of the oldest patients,and I just feel like my place should go to someone much younger,someone whose life is still full of promise,of dreams and the chance for a full and rich life.i just don't see that for myself.i see nothing beyond recovery for myself.I am still so hopeless.So do I even try? yet again?

I admit this is a miserable way to live and I want out.

I cannot do it on my own.

But as my pdoc tells me it is really my last chance.

If you are reading this and are much younger than  I am and struggling,I beg you please get help now,Embrace recovery,even though the process is scary.Don't let it steal your whole life away as it has mine.

Forgive me for how long this was everyone.

Thank you for reading if you have.

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I read it.  I feel for you.  I don't have helpful suggestions - I have struggled off and on with food issues/ED NOS for thirty years (42 now).  I also do stuff like weigh myself every day.  I do weird things with foods as well.  I've been vegetarian since I was 16 (42 now), vegan off and on - which even a vegan dietitian said maybe wasn't right for me because of the greater restrictions of foods...I do have a moral component to it, but it's hard.  I have vegan friends and they're so thin (they also run tons) and I wish I could be the same.  

This doesn't help you though, in fact, probably the opposite.  I don't know what to suggest.  But I do hope you're able to get help and feel healthier.  Do you see pdoc exclusively for therapy?  Could you see a tdoc to help with with exposure therapy for OCD/food?  Would that be something you'd consider? 

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Thank you all for your non judgemental replies...it means a lot.

I do think my pdoc would be willing to work on exposure therapy with me,or try pretty much anything I'd suggest to help me right now,I just somehow fear I am just too far gone.I am waiting,like him,for my OCD to assault me in some other way.But it is much more than just my OCD.I know it is kind of a cliche to talk about it being a control issue,but that cliche is true.

There are things happening in my life right now outside of this that are completely out of my control,that I absloutley cannot do anything about,but I can control my weight.But yes,my OCD so loves this.(Forgive me for personifying my OCD,but I really feel like it is another entity somehow if that makes sense...I don't mean literally....I mean- Oh I dunno.Forgive me,it's 2:06 AM I probably shouldn't be replying to this right now in a sleep deprived state...)

I just feel so hopeless.

This has taken over my life.

Thank you for all  so much for caring,truly.

 

 

 

 

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So I was in emerg. yesterday for i.v.fluids.

Talked to my pdoc today and he told me to go back and get myself admitted.i tried to tell him that they will just have me talk to some useless crisis worker who will tell me to use my ice pack,box breathing,and take Springtime walks.

He doesn't think so.

he told me to tell them that I am losing a lb a day and that I have already had to come in to be rehydrated once.

I am scared to go in and just tell them this for them to just tell me to go home and eat.

I highly highly doubt they will admit me unless I overdose again and i am scared of being humiliated.

I don't know what to do,

And it is a long weekend.

I don't know what to do.

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The possibility of being “dismissed” can be really rough  and I understand why the ER brushing of the severity of your symptoms is a scary prospect. Is there a way to have your pdoc contact the hospital directly? I imagine that if they hear directly from your pdoc about you needing to be admitted it would be very hard for them to send you away

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22 minutes ago, Iceberg said:

The possibility of being “dismissed” can be really rough  and I understand why the ER brushing of the severity of your symptoms is a scary prospect. Is there a way to have your pdoc contact the hospital directly? I imagine that if they hear directly from your pdoc about you needing to be admitted it would be very hard for them to send you away

Well,I guess i could go in and just say that my pdoc wants me admitted and this is why.I'm sure he will talk to them.I am terrified of encountering some smug resident or crisis worker who will see me with a bag packed thinking i am looking for a vacation.

This has happened to me in the past when I have tried to get help for myself.I never want to go through that again.

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I don't know how Canada does hospital admissions but here a criteria is "gravely disabled" also you are a threat to yourself if your starving yourself. I know how hard it is to go the ER and have to endure the snide comments and judgements by the staff but it sounds like you really need to get admitted. I'd go. Tell them your pdoc told you to go. I'm really sorry for you and I hope you get help soon.

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I think you should go too.  Tell them your pdoc is sending you - I've done that before.  They took me seriously.  Losing a lb/day is too much to be safe.

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7 hours ago, CeremonyNewOrder said:

I don't know how Canada does hospital admissions but here a criteria is "gravely disabled" also you are a threat to yourself if your starving yourself. I know how hard it is to go the ER and have to endure the snide comments and judgements by the staff but it sounds like you really need to get admitted. I'd go. Tell them your pdoc told you to go. I'm really sorry for you and I hope you get help soon.

 

7 hours ago, jarn said:

I think you should go too.  Tell them your pdoc is sending you - I've done that before.  They took me seriously.  Losing a lb/day is too much to be safe.

Thank you both for your support.

I am still so scared.

My pdoc said they will want to see I have a goal for admission so I suppose I could say I just need to get on track with my eating while I wait for my assessment.That it was really helpful during my last admission to be able to work with the EDU's dietcian.

Also I should really tell them that I have been having the worst panic attacks of my life (My pdoc attributes these to my low weight),that springtime is my worst time of year for depression,that I have taped black garbage bags up on my windows to keep out the sunlight,that I am having more and more of a hard time leaving the house,and that I have a family stressor that is overwhelming me...

If I go I had better go today so they can call my pdoc.It being a long weekend he won't be back in the office until Tuesday.

I am up again at 2:16 AM and I am so so anxious about this and I have nobody to talk to.

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6 minutes ago, jarn said:

I hope our encouragement can help you.  It's really scary, but you need to get help.  You have our support.  

Thank you so much,jarn.

i do appreciate your support.

On the verge of panic right now....so afraid I will have another terrible experience with them.

Or,who knows,they may not even have any beds....

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You'll only know by trying.  I know how scary and awful it can be.  But if you do get in, and get help - it would be worthwhile.  

I hope the panic passes.

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Thank you,jarn....panic has passed only to be replaced by dejection.

ER doc talked to me for 5 minutes.Told me they don't do admissions through emerg,??? Huh?

Snotty pysch nurse talked to me for 5 minutes.

Pompous crisis worker talked to me for 5 minutes.

They would not help me even though I had said that my pdoc had recommended an admission.

Got told it takes 6-9 months to get into the program.

In the meantime my BMI is now in the "Extreme" category of anorexia.

I am waiting to hear back from my pdoc but he may not be able to call me until Tuesday.

I give up.

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Another reply to my own reply....hope that is alright??

Just need someplace to...vent I suppose.

Made the huge mistake of buying a ton of candy the other day,and sleep ate a whole lot of it.Only hazy,hazy memory of having done so,but woke up to evidence of it in my bed and in the trash,all these wrappers.Out of control.

Having food dreams a lot.All I was dreaming the night before last was a long drawn out dream about various kinds of bread.

A very bad sign.

In the past,when I had started having food dreams it meant that I was at that point very ill.

Pdoc will be back in the office on Tuesday and will call the hospital with the partial program to find out the satuts of my referral.He ha wanted me to admit myself over the long weekend to the major mental health centre (Not a regular hospital,they only deal with mental health) but I refused,only after briefly considering it.

They really really push ECT there,which at this point i don't feel I need and they tend to try and mess with your meds which i do NOT want them doing.They just police my eating for 10 days then discharge me back to my same situation and i need a specialized ED program.no matter how long the waiting list is.

Please forgive my "Yeah but-" negativity.The ED,I suppose,breeds,among other things,a truly negative mindset.

Hope was ok to post again....sorry if not ok to ramble on about myself again.....

 

 

 

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I'm so sorry.  I would be dejected too.

I don't know where you are in Canada, but I think they have online programs - maybe worth a look?  https://sheenasplace.org/

And it's always okay to post.  I was wondering if you'd gone quiet because you were admitted - I am angry at your options right now, none seem good.  Could you travel between cities?

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12 hours ago, jarn said:

I'm so sorry.  I would be dejected too.

I don't know where you are in Canada, but I think they have online programs - maybe worth a look?  https://sheenasplace.org/

And it's always okay to post.  I was wondering if you'd gone quiet because you were admitted - I am angry at your options right now, none seem good.  Could you travel between cities?

Thank you for the validation,jarn.

I felt like I was being annoying and whiny posting again....

I am actually in Toronto as well,and I used to attend Sheena's place groups.The last time I went though,I found myself incredibly triggered,and there were one or two people who really monopolized the discussion.The facilitator didn't really do much to try and include everyone.But here I go again with my "Yeah but-" I'm so sorry.It certainly can't hurt to try another one of their groups again.Thank you so much for the suggestion.For reminding me.

As I am sure you know,there is one hospital with a world wide reputation of being the "gold standard" of ED treatment.Their php program is at another hospital.IP has only ten beds.Ten.

Despite years of advocacy by mental health professionals,ED organizations and individuals,the provincial and federal governments refuse to fund ED treatment programs,even though as you know I am sure,that EDs have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

So.people sit on waiting lists,and while they wait,they die.Either due to physical consequences of their EDs or of suicide.

But,again,forgive me,I am certain you know all this.

I do not want to become a statistic.But my pdoc has already agreed that I suffer from a "Severe enduring eating disorder."

My quality of life right now is-well what quality of life?

But I am whining again I am so so sorry.

My pdoc is going to call the hospital with the the partial program tomorrow but I will probably just ask him to at least put me on the waiting list for an assessment for ip.

And if my depression gets any worse I *will* admit myself to the major mental health centre in our city....even though I swore I would never go back there...

Jarn,thank you so much for being here.

I appreciate it more than you know.

I really didn't think it was ok to write even more about my situation...

 

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Oh I'm glad to be here.  You're really stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I've done mood groups and had a variety of experiences, but hopefully a Sheena's Place group would be better this time?  I'm surprised the moderators didn't step in.  

10 beds is ridiculous.  Just awful.  

I know ED has such a high mortality rate - it is criminal treatment isn't better funded.  Is pdoc attached to any hospital?  Could he help?

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9 hours ago, jarn said:

Oh I'm glad to be here.  You're really stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I've done mood groups and had a variety of experiences, but hopefully a Sheena's Place group would be better this time?  I'm surprised the moderators didn't step in.  

10 beds is ridiculous.  Just awful.  

I know ED has such a high mortality rate - it is criminal treatment isn't better funded.  Is pdoc attached to any hospital?  Could he help?

Yes,it is very frustrating.This evening finds me in a really grouchy mood thinking that i really couldn't care less anymore what happens to me.

I'm sorry.

My pdoc is not attached to any hospital.although wherever I have been hospitalized in the past he has been great about advocating for my care.

He called late this evening but I missed his call.He apologized for calling so late but had had to catch up on long weekend calls all day.He also hadn't had time to call the hospital with the partial program.but he said he would tomorrow and call me to check in.

I think I maybe I better have him at least put in a referral to ip for me since my weight continues to drop and the waiting list is so long.

I have appreciated CB as I reached out to NEDA"s board in the states and got zero support.It is a very cliquey board.

Maybe it is because I am Canadian I dunno.

I binged today something fierce and loathed myself for losing control like that...

It seems an endless struggle and I suppose both frustration about fighting for treatment and having a starved brain is affecting my mood.

I really don't want to crash like a couple of months ago,but along with my ED springtime is really rough on me so..yeah.

Anyway.

That is my update.

Thank you for listening and for your support,jarn.

 

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