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i'm putting myself in hell at the moment.

i know i have posted about my ex before on here but im going more insane and i need some help, advice.

as much as i say he is a complete loser, asshole, the truth is- i loved him. i never love people and i never trust people, but i did him, in some sick and crazy way i managed to find some love in my heart.

now he is gone. not recently, he left nearly 2yrs ago now with just a promise that he'd always b there if i needed him.

but the pain isnt going away. im crying tonight like i cryed the night he left. its like it happened yesterday, i still remember the feeling i had as i walked away telling myself "not to look back".

See as much as he was an ass he wasnt always.

he was there the day my friend hung herself, he let me collapse and grief in his arms.

he was there the night i tried to take my life and he saved me from myself.

no doubt these two things are what brought us close but its ultimately what drove us apart.

but its not getting any better, the pain of the broken heart isnt going away. im starting to wonder if this maybe was my first real love and that is why it hurts so bad.

please help me try and make sense of this pain

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Pining away for someone after two whole years is a long time. But not surprising if he was your first love. To some extent you will probably always have a little twinge in your heart when you think of him.

Ever heard the saying "The best way to get over an old love is to get under a new one"? To some extend I believe that to be true. All you have are memories of this one relationship. When you meet and click with someone new and start building memories with the new one, the old feelings will fade somewhat. The catch 22 comes in with the fact that you don't WANT to meet someone new when you're having such strong feelings about someone else. You just gotta look at it in a different light. Yes you have fond, loving memories of this one particular person, but that doesn't mean you'll never have strong feelings for someone else. You just gotta get back out there. It will eventually happen. In the meantime, you're only torturing yourself by ruminating over him. Sounds like your thought processes are stuck in a cycle that are only hurting you. Thought stopping techniques might be in order here.

Croix

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i spent a long time pining in misery after i got dumped. i'd been so in love- nothing like it ever before-

anyway- i got very depressed- my first big time major episode with the hospital and the whole works. i kept missing him and missing him- crying a long time later like you.

what i ha to learn was that this depression was not my first, but that my misery over him channeled all my emotions into missing him.

in fact they had little to do with him- some granted- but it was years of difficult family life etc. He'd kind of rescued me too- like you describe. In all the sadness you start to believe you can't rescue yourself- that you depend on him for that.

its great that he was there to give support during such terrible times for you. but the fact is, you can and will learn that you can rescue yourself. lots of work and patience and reaching out liike you're doing now.

you'll be amazed at when your self esteem and confidence build- your next relationship will be so much better.

see if you can find something to distract from the tears. and try to learn what else the tears are really about.

take care of you- support is here on CB

mrs l

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I'm in a bit of the same spot myself I think. The last person that broke my heart was my best friend (who happened to be an ex but that was *another story although a completely resolved one). I miss her like mad: Crazy good mad, Crazy bad mad and Angry bad mad and it's been eight (OMG!) years since I talked with her.

I've got a few things pulling it up for me:

1. It was the second to last straw that broke the camels back for me before I stopped being able to "bootstrap" myself up on any kind of emotional/mental level so it's important on a Psyche level.

2. I moved back in very close proximity to where we used to live for a two year period (she still lives there)after being out of state for a few years. Thankfully I'm back OUT of state again. Whew.

3. I've gone to hell in a handbasket. I've got the whole crying-lonely-hating life-why bother thing going on and I just want to have one of two people right here right now ...

So, glomming on to mrsloony, I might be thinking about my friend, but all I really want right now is someone who cares about me like my friend used to care about me to be sitting with me on the couch or living in my town STILL OUT THERE IN MY WORLD but they are not and I'm bereft.

Ruins

see if you can find something to distract from the tears. and try to learn what else the tears are really about.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

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see the other thing that i have failed to mention before is that i have been in relationships since then and am even in one now but i cant get passed him. its like the feelings just linger on, and i am just starting to think that maybe they will always be there, the hurt, the pain, as well as the good memories.

i know he is never coming back to me its not like i am delusional about the reality of the situation and the fact that he has moved on. it just seems that none of this has helped my pain heal.

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Hi,

I completely concur with ruins & iona.

i still love my soon-to-be ex husband even though he has a paramour.

when husband and i separated 2 years ago - i had a bf. moved in & out with bf. no longer have that bf. being with bf did not reduce my love feelings for husband.

move 3000 miles away to be under my parents care - and i still love the husband.

yuck.

db

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there is something so indescribable about someone being there for you during tragedy and then being gone from your life (in THAT way). my ex was there when i found my dad dead on the floor, BP suicide. he was such a support. when we broke up, i didn't know what to do. i think my meds and getting into new relationships helped. but the pain is never-ending.

this is probably stupid, but i think you should write it all out. write about everything. just write free-form, and don't worry about if it makes sense. it is your heart talking, just that. get it out on paper. you can burn it afterwards if you like. it may be a releasing experience.

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Ooooookay,

Man, I hate to do this but I am going to have to go all Dr. Phil on you.

If this has been going on for two years, you are somehow getting something out of it subconsciously. You need to figure out what that is.

For some people, pining for someone is a good way to keep themselves cut off from other potential mates. It makes a really good wall. It prevents you from getting hurt again; opening yourself up for pain.

In the same vein, you tend to romanticize that person so no one else can live up to that memory.  Sometimes that helps you forget about how awful the bad parts of the relationship were so you don't have to feel that pain.

I know for me it can be an excuse to feel sorry for myself and not try again with anyone. Any excuse to tell myself I'm worthless and I'm there, baby. Sometimes I think that if I try hard enough to convince myself that I am useless, I can give up on the things that are hard to do in life.

Does all of that sound really hokey? I really do think it is a wall of protection, because you are scared to give someone else a real chance. Despite the good things he did, he was a jerk, but you are not seeing that. You can say it intellectually, but you are not internalizing it. He must have made you feel horrible. Why are you wanting that back? What sort of reward did you get out of being treated that way?

Anyway, there are reasons and it's not really about you "getting over" him. It's deeper and more complicated.

I hope you feel better. I didn't mean for this to sound harsh. [/channeling Dr. Phil]

Sam

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If "real love" is what you want, I can assure you that it's possible to fall very hard for someone at least several times in a lifetime.

I think this kind of thing can be fueled by how we feel about ourselves and any reservations we have about our present relationship. Also, of course, by any depression.

For the last couple of decades, I've sometimes have a mild crush on a friend who's been married for years. My crush seems to be activated if there's something wrong with my current situation. Even if I don't know it.

Hoping, for your sake, that you can let go a bit.

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iona,

i have been hesitant to reply to this thread because i don't think i know better than you, and so the title has kinda intimidated me, heh.

i think maybe he is so hard to let go of emotionally because he was a witness to some very tangible traumatic events.  and a witness is validating, a witness says "yes, that crap did happen and there's a reason why you're still in pain because that stuff was really fucking bad."  as long as he's in your life there's another person who shared that pain with you.

so, with my little witness theory, letting go of him involves letting go (working through) the painful events that happened when you were together.  but, it's just a theory.

have you told your current boyfriend about your friend's suicide and your attempt? 

are you seeing a therapist now?

being stuck on a guy sucks.  i've been stuck, but managed to get unstuck with the whole rebound thing, which doesn't seem to work for you.  so, i think it's about finding the things and events that have you stuck to him and that time in your life, and being willing to work to move on from them. 

take care of you.

penny

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i like the theory about him being a witness i think that is kind of true, because there is no one else who can really validate for me that those things did occur and that they were truely fucked up. its like i can tell others and talk to others about it, but they dont get it as much as he does cause he was there and saw it.

i try to tell myself that if i get healthy and exercise and start taking care of myself i will get over him, i will be focused on something else. but i can never keep it up, i will be doing fine for a while but then i will always fall back into the pattern.

i know i get something out of it, i get the hope that maybe one day he will come back and all will be well again. its like what we had was so good, and then my friend killed herself and i fell apart and i couldnt pull it back together, not without exterme medical intervention. i still hold on to that dream that maybe one day we could go back to how it was before she died and i attempted.

he has told me so many times he isnt coming back, and i know i shouldnt want him too, after he turned his back on me. but i cant stop that little bit of a fire burning in my heart for him.

the worst thing is i try to do things for him, to win him back, things i should  really be doing for myself, and i get dishearted and i stop for example, i start exercising and eating healthy because i know he likes that, but when i dont get the results i want, like attention from him or weight loss i give up and sink back into depression.

i want to take control back of my life, and i cant do it while i pine for him. but i cant stop.

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reddog i think your right for me its like a form of self injury, cause i am not able to cut or make myself sick at the moment so this is a way of hurting myself but not leaving any marks.

i guess in away thats why i have let myself go so much since he left me, put on weight, not cared ofr myself phyiscally, cause in away i want him to come back and rescue me out of this misery and then i will do all these things i used to do that made me feel good.

yes i do remember a time when exercising and looking goood and taking care of myself made me happy. now to look in the mirror, or to go to buy new clothes is horrible torture for me. i hate it, i have no self esteem i have just given it away.

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perhaps another reason i am so messed up over this is because i have no one else to talk to about any of this. no one else to encourage me or support me like he did. i am alone. i have no friends anymore. im just so unhappy.

you said you are dating now; can you talk to your new bf about this?

do you have a therapist?

and, of course, if you're comfortable, you can talk to us.  though i know it's not the same as someone who can bring you tea and wipe away your tears.

having no friends suck.  i understand.  it's hard.  my closest friend lives far away and i'm fighting with my other closest friend, who lives clear on the other side of the country.  it's hard to be without a support circle of friends.  very hard. 

if you have already talked about this on the board, that bad time period, will you let me know where so i can read it?

take care of yourself,

penny

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i hate it, i have no self esteem i have just given it away.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi Iona,

This struck me. Because the nice thing about giving something away, is you can take it back.

I am moving into the 2nd year of mourning a relationship with a man that was very intense made so by the fact he was the best friend of my husband, who died of cancer in October of 2001.

I too have spent the last year feeling stuck, and the break up with 2 is was extremely enmeshed with my loss of 1. That we shared this deep love for this person who died brought us together romantically a year after husband died. I was a wreck, I had totally felt alienated from everyone else, friends/family, because they didn't *get* where I could still be in so much pain. Where #2 guy *got* it.

I would suggest doing what Croix suggested in writing out a chronology of events because I have done just that. I also have been in therapy for over 2 years, dealing withe the WHOLE of the matter.

Upon more careful examination, he, #2 wasn't there for me in so many ways I had convinced myself, in my grief, that he was. Even 6 mos. ago when I came to CB, I was not able to see the relationship with #2 for what it really was, but I do now and it wasn't good--at all. In fact it was terrible. We stayed together 2 years and that was 2 years of prolonged greiving on my part for my husband, and I'm not sure #2 ever greived as I now see him as pretty much a smooth talking predator for whom I paid the freight for the privilige of having him in my life.

Where I used to obsess and cry about him ALL the time, I'm to the point now where I see it more clearly, and as Sam/Dr. Phil said, "see what I got out of the relationship."

It took months, and months of talking ONLY about this issue with my therapist--that and how it tied into how I was taught to love--etc., before I could take off the rose-colored glasses about this guy and see how toxic he really was for me and why that type of personality allowed me to be semi with someone, yet still shelter myself from the pain of loving someone as intimately as I loved my husband. Loser guy was low risk, even though in my emotions I had built him up to be my savior. Upon reflection, and on paper, he was much more an antogonist in the story than any kind of savior. He made so many things harder to accomplish than easier. But I won't get into the details.

You have (we have) some good advice on this thread. Because of the extenuating circumstance of a shared tragedy, it does make it HARDER to let go--but by no means impossible.

Just keep being honest with people, mostly yourself about how he really treated you, and take your life back (along with it comes your self-esteem!)

Hugs,

Suze

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