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Yesterday I had an angry outburst, I can't even remember what triggered it, I only remember I was in the car, in the passenger seat, me and my husband argued, and suddenly I lost control. I broke my finger in the windshield, broke the windshield, basically, I lost control and fucked things up.

I have the feeling like there are two people living inside of me, there is me the person I am, the person I want to be, and there is the monster, this angry, uncontrollable beeing that I hate. I hate losing control, but worse than that is cleaning up the mess that the monster makes. 

After the outbursts, the monster goes away, and I am the one who is left behind to pick up the pieces. I am feeling extremely guilty, the remorse is overwhelming, and I am having a real hard time dealing with all of this.

I don't want to act out, I don't want to hurt other people, but I still d I don't want to be like this, I don't want to be this person who breaks her own finger, who would do this. WTF, what kind of person am I???

I go to therapy, I take medication, I usually feel fine. My problem is when the monster awakens, and I can't control the monster, so now I'm just sitting here. I can't even look in my husbands face, how can I talk to him after what happened??

Anyone else??

 

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Your husband is probably used to your episodes, and he's still here with you, so it seems that he accepts you for everything you are- whether good or bad. Just talk to him. Apologize if you feel it's necessary. I usually just act like nothing happened.

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Are you having quick flare-ups that go away, or are having multiple instances repeatedly, in a way that is unusual for you?

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My husband and I had our first real fight last night. Actually, it was more of me becoming the ugly borderline monster for two hours and him having to deal with my craziness and tears. He knows about my diagnosis, I told him when we first started dating. He even read a book about mindfulness exercises. He's wonderful and did absolutely nothing wrong. He took a phone call from an old friend and I flipped out and completely lost it. Things were going on yesterday...my mom had cancer surgery and his friend's father passed away over the weekend (this is the friend who called last night). I was absolutely nasty...screaming, crying, shoving him, then hitting myself in the face repeatedly and yelling about how much I hate myself. I ended up apologizing profusely and he said it was ok and we had sex, then went to sleep. I still feel awful about it though, and I feel like he's just forgiving me to appease me. I've had episodes before in front of him, but nothing this horrible in almost a year. 

So yes, I totally understand what you are going through. Sometimes I don't know what's worse...the ugliness and the outbursts and this monster who takes over me, or the guilt and depression I feel afterwards. They are both horrible to deal with.

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