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I can't get anything right, it seems....


~nestling~

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I can't seem to get anything right just now...well, ever, really..but that's an exaggeration....

OK, so I'm being transferred to back room stuff at work.....good, but, its also a disappointment, and I don't cope well with change...or being with people I've never met before...

So, I'm coping with this, pretty well, considering, (especially as I'm in the last stage of tapering off efexor)and then last night my flatmate has to hassle me about how  they're planning on getting broadband...mainlu because apparantly I block the phoneline when I use the internet and they're waiting for calls...well....I have been trying to use it less...I usually use it in the morning before they get up (but that's wrong too, as that's when friends in India want to call.....apparantly..and they can't handle using the 1571 answerphone...) and late in the evening....I'm out all day and most evenings (work) and why the heck is it a problem, still.......

I reacted badly to being told this....

The problem is...I have an old laptop that would be majorly complex to hook up to broadband....

And, yes, I reacted badly....felt like I'm being treated as 2nd place all the time...only the other week my other flatmate wrote me a huge long note asking why I hadn't been putting a new loo roll on the holder when it'd been finished....why the heck is that such a big deal??????

Another part of it is.....I never have friends call me.....(they disappeared on me a long time ago...I phoned one of them on Friday...she was out, so I left her a message to call me over the weekend...and seems like she doesn't want me as a friend any more as she's not called me back....) and never call anyone....the internet is my only connection.....my only friends...and it feels like being deprived....I use the internet for support, not fun....

I feel ashamed of being selfish...as it seems that is what I am....

The only way out is for me to...buy a new computer....ha...money???? Deprive myself...... or move out......which is what it may come to....to somewhere where I have my own phoneline and can do what I want with it....I feel that they WANT me to move...want to 'get rid of me'...that would figure....work don't want me any more either...have I become a horrible person?

I'm sneaking online now to post this...will have to be fast.....

Then, I'll have to tell my therapist about this today, and she won't be happy with the way I overreacted and how I reacted badly and from a victim stance.....nothing is ever fair...it seems.....

I said to my flatmate that I am invisible from now on.....well, its the easiest way....then I won't be a problem...then they can't upset me....

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N

Being invisible might not be too bad. For me, I have learned that verification is hard won, and never can come from outside; its a lesson that I am still learning. I guess thats why we might come to this place, to have someone say, "yup...know what you mean." That's why I am here at 3:47 am..to feel a connection. Again, its a lesson I need to learn before I die. Don't fret.

Love,

Sylvia

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