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My mother is driving me crazy


faith

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Yes, bipolar disorder HAS been definitively linked to my mother. I'm pretty sure someone is spending a big research grant on exploring this bizarre connection, while in the Bahamas sipping a drink from a coconut shell no doubt.

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wow, that's a heap of crap you don't need right now.

i've noticed that very often when mothers come to "help" after a birth, they end up being everything but helpful.

they interviewed the editor of grand magazine on the today show (i know, it's corny, but it's innocious and kinda cute in the morning when you don't want to move.)  anyway, the editor went through a list of the top six mistakes grandparents make and one was:

Follow the parents' rules, even if you disagree with them

Remember that your kids get to set the rules here, not you.  Bedtime, feeding time, bath time, nap time, what the child is wearing, what the child is playing with

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Hi Faith,

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Where do they go when these people become grandmothers? I've had to tell my own mom over and over (and somedays still now I have to remind her ) that this is MY KID, MY RULES. Don't like it, go elsewhere. Can't follow them, you'll be asked to leave. Hurt feelings or not.

I guess in a way I get it. These are not their children to raise. They don't have to do the hard stuff, they just get to enjoy and spoil. I think they all do it. And you're right, they are nowhere NEAR as hard on the grandkids as they were on us. Just the way it is. But you don't have to put up with it. Sometimes, in some cases it can be overlooked as an opportunity to be spoiled by grandma. ( My mom still has to ask me, in private, if my son can have chocolate. When I say yes, she gets all excited about being able to give him a special treat from nana.) But sometimes in a developmentally delayed child the lack of consistancy when grandma's around can really fuck with em. You need to sit down and have a talk with mom. Set the ground rules. If she can't handle them, that's not your problem.

If you just wanted to vent and didn't want advice, Ignore everything I said.

Just wanted to let you know I feel your pain. I've been there, and sometimes when boundaries are stepped over I gotta go back there. Love you.

Croix

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Sorry your mom is stressing you out.  Maybe you could mumble "only 3 more days" over & over under your breath until it's "only 2 more days", etc...

;)   :)   Here are the swear words you can't say to mom: 

:P   :ninja:   :ninja:   :angry:   :D   :)   :ninja:

   

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Well, you actually have 2 issues here...

1) Your mom not respectig you as a parent

2) People who never dealth with special needs child deciding that suddenly they know better than you.

I have ALL kinds of experience with issue 2 so I feel for ya. On issue 1, I am happy my parents don't spend time with me. It used to piss me off, but now I am grateful.

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Hi Faith,

I think our mothers were separated at birth. My mother was an alcoholic who wouldn't get up on her own to take me to school. I was late all the time and it was just mortifying. If she was really late, she would be really grouchy and make me cry on the way to school, so not only was I late, but I was bawling, too. Her pet name for me was "fucking ingrate." If she wasn't out blowing the rent money she was drunk in bed. She is the most irrational person I have ever met. Oh yeah, she tried to blame me for the breakup between her and her boyfriend. By taking me to a rehab center and trying to get me committed for coke use. Scared me to death. Turns out they can't keep you there if you don't test positive for drugs. Yay.

Since I've been grown, she hasn't been any more stable. During her manias she would blow all of my grandmother's money and during the depressions she would stay in bed for days, sleeping and drinking.

She was dx'ed almost 2 years ago right around the time that I was. She cannot hold a job, she lost her car, she wants wants wants from me. When she comes over it's like a tornado hit. When she brings her two standard (read HUGE) poodles over they pee EVERYWHERE. I can stand it when she has a job, but I just can't when she doesn't. She drives me even more crazy than I already am. And that is no small feat.

I bet she will want to move in here at some point. I told her I would NEVER allow her to live here. This is my grandmother's house that I had to buy from my mother. She blew tens of thousands of dollars and has NOTHING to show for it. And I will be paying it back for 30 years. Yay.

Okay, so you have good advice from those above and an I feel ya, babe from me!!!

Take care!

Sam

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Thanks y'all. She leaves tomorrow morning and so far, she is still alive and I have not been disowned (again). Huzzah.  ;)

I guess part of what is making me so angry is that I already have low confidence esp. when it comes to parenting my oldest. I am always doubting and second-guessing myself when it comes to making decisions about her...then I finally get to a place where I feel like I'm dealing with everything OK and she is doing pretty well, and my mother comes at an already sleep-deprived and emotionally vulnerable time to turn everything on its ear. And I hate that I am so easily beaten down like that, I hate that it matters so much to me what she thinks. I feel like I revert to a 10 year old in her presence, the gawky and desperate for approval 10 year old I used to be. And I hate feeling like that.

She is not a horrible person, all in all. I think the worst thing is knowing her intentions actually are good ones, to her way of thinking. It would be so much easier to demonize her. I know she cares about her grandchild. I just wish, like some of our other posters here, that just once I could be "enough" to her when it comes to something important, and to me, my children ARE what is most important.

Ramble, ramble. One more day.

~Faith

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I just wish, like some of our other posters here, that just once I could be "enough" to her when it comes to something important, and to me, my children ARE what is most important.
Hi Faith, I don't know you personally, but have read many of your posts, and you are definitely of sound mind and parenting skills in my book.

Wifezilla's list should have included a 3rd item: parents who re-write history.

My Mom was more like Sam's growing up, but now, she is a saintly woman and all of those trangressions in the past, well, *just never happened!* Her pat reply to me is, "I'm sorry you perceive things that way."

I gave up a long time ago, and just pray and count the days too. Now that we actually live very close together, she never visits--ever. Which is okeley dokely in my book. I also think it's hard for them to take when they know if no other way intuitively that we are better mothers than they are, in spite of the mistreatment we received as children.

So you have a new baby in the house? Congrats!

S9

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Ahhh yes...revisionist history is an astonishing thing, isn't it? I have been flat-out told "that never happened" with regards to some of the most traumatic things I went through as a child. Ummm ok, but just so we're clear on this, hallucinating isn't my flavor of crazy.  ;)

I don't know. Live and let live, I suppose. She has to live with it the same as I do, and if pretending the past never happened helps her to get through the day, I don't feel like I have much of a right to try to take that away. Sometimes I feel like I'd tell myself anything if it gets me through one more hour, you know? Only problem is, I'm a terrible liar, and can't even convince myself!

~Faith

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Ahhh yes...revisionist history is an astonishing thing, isn't it? I have been flat-out told "that never happened" with regards to some of the most traumatic things I went through as a child. Ummm ok, but just so we're clear on this, hallucinating isn't my flavor of crazy.  ;)

I don't know. Live and let live, I suppose.

That's where I've gotten with it. I'm 45 and I see them for what they are, warts, lies (big and small) and all and I still choose to love them. Mom especially. The sins of my father were much greater, but I still love him too, and thanks to the grace of the greatest spirit, I have forgiven him. I give the credit to grace because I was unable to on my own for many years, to forgive. It's only since I've been to CB also that I've realized how common a practice this is in the "dysfunctional family" as we "the children" age...

Anyway, yeah, so those conversations get annoying, but I just look at them, getting older, knowing it's just going to get more so and shrug to myself and say, "whatever" to myself. I know the truth. And I'm at that place finally, thank GOD/DESS, I don't have to prove my truth to anyone anymore.

Grace and maturity are good things. Not only that, being a mom, I'm accountable too for some less than perfect behaviors. Even though they are not in the same universe, my transgressions are still such and I'm glad my children forgive me when I screw up.

Anyway, so she's gone now!! Can we do the Happy Dance?

S9

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