So I joined this forum to talk about my various mental health issues and try to find a solution or two with people who can relate. I been diagnosed with autism, clinical depression, and oppositional defiant disorder at various points in my life and I'm currently 16 years old at the time of this writing. I hope to have a great time with you guys.
Holy cow this site is AMAZING! I’m in love! I’m a psych nurse who loves her (my?) job, currently on disability leave of abcense from work in order to ‘deal with’ my multiple substance addictions & corresponding compulsive behaviors that are vying with my ADD as reasons that my executive functioning is lacking... I was still outstanding at my job (once I showed up and while I wasn’t locked in the bathroom for 45 mins) right up until I had a full blown panic attack outside the inpatient psychiatric hospital where I work causing the admission team to call the paramedics who insisted on taking me to the ER. I managed to clearly enunciate that I was NOT having any suicidal thoughts or urges to harm myself and therefore being taken against my will to a hospital where they would want to start an IV and realize I have zero veins and tracks for days under thise long sleeve undershirts would constitute kidnapping which is still frowned upon in the first world. The paramedics released me to a family member and I chose a primary care physician who is also a Suboxone doctor and requested a medical leave of absence to be backdated to the day that I panicked instead of clocking in for my shift. I was given paperwork for a 90 day leave of absence and I became the patient for the first time in my life. So far I’ve been able to stay clean for 10 days straight after attempting to kick for almost 2 months and then relapsed for 18 days straight and now I’m looking at kicking again starting tomorrow... I wake up with that feeling of running out of time. I’m embracing failure as a valuble learning tool in a radical acceptance / gentle with self kind of way. I’m optimistic that I can kick this habit and be well on my way to slaying my own dragons (deamons?) by the time I’m due back on the other side of the nurse patient tango. I really was great at my job right up until I wasn’t great at anything anymore. I never diverted medication or made errors that resulted in harm. I’m proud of my nursing practice and I genuinely miss it and look forward to getting well (still sounds so strange to say it ‘outloud’) and returning to work.
I happened upon this site at random while conducting an image search for a 25mg Quetiapine that was among my bottle of 200mg Quetiapine I had been asked to destroy for a patient who was no longer prescribed that medication... I’m beginning to see how full of shit I was when I thought I never diverted medication (never at the expense of a patient I should say because that allows my morality to remain intact).
Anyway, I randomly happened upon this site and immediately fell in love with it on so many levels. I read every heading and forwarded the link to the home page to 3 people at 3:30am because I make good decisions that have a positive effect on those around me. LOVE, love, love it! So real and so clever. I can’t wait to read everything everyones ever written!
Oh and besides being a psych nurse (RN, BSN btw) I have an 80lb pitbull who I absolutely adore and who is easily the sweetest, most handsome dog ever & a boyfriend who I equally adore and who I succeed (i do?) at life because of and despite. He is also the sweetest and most handsome of boyfriends and he tells me I’m beautiful in a way that makes it feel true :). God! I can’t believe I’m just now finding this site! I can’t wait to tell all my patients when I go back to work! Nice to meet everyone :). Thank you for having me!
By Waiting To Be Found
Hi, very good question one which I ask myself frequently
I have had depression since my teenage years due to a crappy childhood, but in the last few years it has got progressively worse.
I have severe depression and severe anxiety. I have tried many different medications none of which have lifted the dark cloud that suffocates me every day. I have also tried numerous therapies and am currently in CBT treatment.
Meds wise I am taking Fluoxetine 40mg for depression and Propanolol for the anxiety daily.
It helps to some extent but I still have days where there's thoughts that people would better off without my sad existence weighing them down. I have no motivation with eating, cooking, cleaning personal activities, managing finances or even being alive some days.
What I hate most is the constant heavy feeling in my chest, the need to sleep constantly but then having horrible dreams non stop that leave me shaking. Depression for me is a physical feeling of dread along with all the crappy stuffs...
I waited 9 months for my latest therapy to start and I've been hanging on to this life line hoping the will offer some relief to the pain or better coping methods other than self harm and the incessant need to get high or just leave reality for a while. Needless to say 3 weeks in and I'm loosing faith.
I wish I had a switch for the old brain, so I could turn off the inner voice that hates me so much. Turn off the constant worrying and illogical thoughts oh I wish I wish I wish!
i wish for a lot of things really but most of all would like to believe I fit in this crazy world somewhere for some purpose and that I deserve to be here as well.
And breathe ......
So that sums it up in a nutshell apologies if none of this ramble makes any sense but I'm not used to sharing and I guess the main message was Hello