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This time, I just can’t get back up

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I was diagnosed as bipolar II in 1994. I closely followed my pdocs' and therapists' advice, carefully adhered to my meds, followed the advice of everyone—even Oprah. I became very successful despite getting fired every other year. I practiced acceptance and swallowed the humiliation, being disliked, and having people just not want to ever see me again. I carefully analyzed my behavior and worked on corrections. I meditated, prayed, practiced mindfulness, was vegan for a while, told myself there must be a reason for all this. I have tried just about every med out there. I resolved that it was okay I never had a long term relationship or children. I've followed the rules. Then I would reach out, find the strength, and would start again. 

Finally, there came a day two years ago when I reached out and I did not find any ability, desire, drive, want, or need. I was fired from three jobs in three months. I had a heart attack. I sat down and just lived in fuzz. I actually am on a pretty good cocktail, but that strength is nowhere to be found. I am finally broken, and I turn 53 in a week. 

I’m not sure what to do. Any suggestions? Thank you. 

Edited by Lisa0Marie
Missing word
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