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Having a rough time

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So nobody apart from very close family knows that I am bipolar.  I have been doing quite well on Lamotrigine and Citalopram for a few years.  I cut out Abilify and Dex when my insurance jacked up the prices and I couldn't afford them anymore.  I feel like I was more stable when I was taking abilify.  I still have Clonazepam for sleep and to prevent freaking out, and ambien which I only take a few times a month when I really need sleep and have been on a roll of not sleeping for a few days.  My husband has no idea of the extent of my mental illness past and has some idea of what I am going through currently.  He is supportive sometimes.  And other times just goes off and tells me I am useless and lazy (because I want to sleep and not do laundry and dishes ... sidenote, he is on disability and home all day every day unless he goes out to a store or some such).  Which just makes things worse.  So much worse.  Half the time that I talk about work, he gets pissed off because I am not at work and shouldn't be thinking about it.  (I am an assistant manager at a store that makes more money than Walmart per day).  He gets pissed off when my gm calls me to confirm things.  He gets pissed off when I contact employees about schedules and other things when I am off.  It is killing me. 


Today I texted my boss about my cousin who is in a national magazine with her medical analysis company that is doing really well.  He got pissed off because I did not go over it with him first.  To be honest, I didn't tell him because I was pretty sure that his response would be "Who the fuck cares?"


So now ... I just want to harm.  Myself.  I took a colonopin to make the thoughts go away.  I am going to try to eat.  Something.  I just feel so torn.  Sometimes it is so good and sometimes I feel like a useless piece of shit and just want to get out of this situation.


Just  needed to vent.  I am ok, I won't do anything.  I am not considering abandoning this relationship at the moment.  I have in the past and I am sure I will in the future.  I am just REALLY FUCKING FRUSTRATED.  UGH.

And really don't want to do anything stupid.  Dinner.  Food.  Hopefully that will put me to sleep


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Well. Dang.

Whether you want to abandon him at this point or not, I hope you can read back over your post and see exactly how much grief he’s causing you. He hasn’t got the right to tell you how to do your job, or to snap at you when you do it to the best of your ability. He hasn’t got the right to dictate what you talk about on the phone, or with whom.

Going off a med because you can’t afford it is a special kind of hellish. Have you tried https://www.goodrx.com ? Maybe they can help you.

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I really struggle pretty frequently asking myself why I am still here.  Here are some of the answers ... the dogs; the fact that I just put a huge chunk of money down for the new house we just moved into a few months ago; where am I going to go and what will I do with some of the dogs?; my family will hate me.

I know that I am being mentally abused to a certain extent.  Example: about 15 minutes ago, I was dressed down for not having decorated the  bathrooms and kitchen yet.  Because "You're a woman.  I have never known a woman who didn't want to put her own stamp on a kitchen and bathroom.  Nevermind ... I'll do it myself"  At the moment, I just don't give  a shit.  I don't care about things like that.  They just don't cross my mind.  I love other people's homes that are nicely designed etc etc ... I just don't have any desire to do that to my home.  Not for any particular reason, just there are other things I would rather do. 

Ugh.  I hate myself for writing this.  I hate that I COULD write this because it just happened.  I just ... know what I should do but am putting it off.  Money is not an issue.  I have plenty of that.

Why am I still here doing this?

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