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working from home aka the ever spiraling cycle of doom


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i don't leave the house anymore. i dont think my employer is ever going to bring us back onsite. i'm ok with not commuting. driving terrifies me since my accident in 2015. i have no reason to leave. everything i need, and some stuff i dont gets brought to me, though not necessarily on the day they say, which causes all kinds of anxiety, so i jump in the chat box and be rude to the bot. i am completely alone and i need social contact bc i am spiraling into the worst depression of my life. saw my therapist today, virtually of course. but i still sit here and cry on my couch. i need a life. i may not have covid, but it's taken my life from me. i've become agoraphobic and am scared to leave, but staying in is making my MI so very much worse. everyone i know is tired of my shit and stopped talking to me. like i told my cousin to stop trying to fix me and that i can't just "be happy" i have literal brain damage. she hasn't spoken to me since. everyone's lost their damn minds. but i don't know what to do with myself. this endless din of the inside of my own mind with no respite. i dont know how to fix any of this. it's gotten to be, screw the haircut, fuck the pedicure, i'll make do with whatever is in the freezer because frozen pineapple makes a good dinner right? i'm not actively suicidal. i just dont know what to do anymore. is this ever going to end? how do i get my life back? in so many ways i just don't care about anything anymore. i miss me. i miss everything. but i dont have any motivation to get any of it back and with the new covid world i dont even know if i could. i'm so damn tired 

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  • 5 weeks later...

Hey, I can empathize to some extent and I'm really sorry you're so depressed. 

I myself am happy about not going into the office as much and would prefer I not go in at all. However being in the apartment all day does make me feel more lonely and isolated. Esp since my wife and I are divorcing so there's no support or warmth from that relationship. 

TBH I was basically a hermit before Covid and Covid gives me a convenient excuse for not going to social engagements or trips out. 

Either way I hope you start feeling better. 

Pete

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thanks for replying. I am with you on wanting to work from home. i had a car accident and driving on highways now triggers bad ptsd reactions. social anxiety is happy to not have to be social all day. it's wonderful that i can have meltdowns at my desk when i get overwhelmed instead of having to run down the hall to the ladies room to cry. i'm an introvert. i am happy with this lifestyle. i just need to do something to balance it. with covid, the world is weirder and scarier than usual, so i just stay home. more and more. and it's definitely making my depression way worse. i dont know how to find the balance. the stress at work is enormous right now. i couldnt handle it if i was working in an office with other people and commuting. i would have a total breakdown. i'm verging on it as it is. we have the choice to stay permanently remote and when asked this week it was my choice to do so. once that's confirmed i can live anywhere. especially since my landlady is getting flaky i am looking to find a place to live where i actually dont have to be at the whim of others ... moving 4x in 4 years has been too much, and now my lease is up for renewal in january and idk if she will renew it, or raise the rent or what. i am thinking about buying but houses are so damn expensive right now. i feel like there has to be somewhere cheap to love in New England where i can buy a small house in a quiet neighborhood, and just settle down. finally. i wish i never had to sell my house in 2017. seems like a lifetime ago. i thought unburdening myself of the house and renting would make my life easier and less stressful. it has done just the opposite. i'm 57 years old and i am starting all over again. again. i'm really just too old for this shit.

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