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I am a screwup


messy
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I used to work in a hospital. I made some mistakes that I should not have. Not purposely, but possibly negligent. I have not worked in that field in 18 years and will not return. The memories torment me. My therapist has pressured me to talk, but I am not comfortable. I feel like people would think I am a monster. I have occasional suicidal ideation just to escape. My therapist makes light of it and says people make mistakes, but she does not know the magnitude. It is not anything that she would be mandated to report.

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People do make mistakes. It does sound incredibly trivial to say that but it is true. Some people lack any sense of responsibility and can walk away from a building they just set on fire saying "Fuck it! Wasn't my fault". By the level of guilt you obviously feel it's clear that you aren't one of those people. I haven't been in such a position of responsibility, and so don't have any comparable experiences, but I understand guilt very well. The things I feel guilty might seem petty - I said something which offended someone or something like that, and this guilt becomes a hammer to beat yourself over the head with. I did something bad, therefore I'm a bad person. You maybe did something bad. Does that make you a bad person? A bad person would say "Fuck it! Wasn't my fault". You're doing the opposite of that. You don't sound like a bad person and people do make mistakes. It really does sound like a pathetic thing to say to someone weighed down with so much guilt but it is, as I've said, very much true, although probably not very helpful.

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