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I feel like a very dual person


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Sometimes, like the time I broke my leg, I can be pretty funny and chatty, but other times I'm a total nervous wreck who judges herself harshly every time she says something. I was a whole comedian for those paramedics, and for the people in my driver's ed class, but it's almost physically painful to interact with people who I kind of know. People who, we're not friends, we're not enemies, we just kind of know each other thorugh shared activities, school, etc. I think I hate talking to those people because there's more of a fear of failure with interacting with them, which doesn't really make sense. Anyone else have similar experiences? I literally will hide from people I kind of know so I don't have to see them.

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On 11/7/2021 at 12:40 AM, unlucky7 said:

Sometimes, like the time I broke my leg, I can be pretty funny and chatty, but other times I'm a total nervous wreck who judges herself harshly every time she says something. I was a whole comedian for those paramedics, and for the people in my driver's ed class, but it's almost physically painful to interact with people who I kind of know. People who, we're not friends, we're not enemies, we just kind of know each other thorugh shared activities, school, etc. I think I hate talking to those people because there's more of a fear of failure with interacting with them, which doesn't really make sense. Anyone else have similar experiences? I literally will hide from people I kind of know so I don't have to see them.

It happens to me too. I can't really explain it either, but my best guess is that it's easier to be extroverted or social with people you don't know / strangers because you don't know them and they don't know you. As opposed to people you know even superficially better. It seems more intimate in our brains, even though it's really not in reality. 

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Sure, it depends a lot on how I feel about myself. I can be outgoing and friendly when I'm feeling alright about myself. Other times I'm not feeling alright about myself and wish everyone would leave me alone because I'm no good anyway. It's a bit of a contrast. I don't want to talk to people sometimes and seem unsociable, which makes me feel guilty. But my head is full of miserable shit which nobody wants to hear. "Hi! How are you today?" "Fucking ahhhhhhhhhh!" I'm fine how are you?

But, one thing to realise is that this is normal to some extent. Maybe we're a bit extreme but nobody is the same day after day. I worry about how inconsistent I am as a human being but nobody is completely consistent. I don't know if this is obvious but it wasn't to me for a long while. I suppose it matters because it can feel like you're a different person rather than just being in a different mood. It's a mood. It doesn't always feel like that though. Jekyll and Hyde. Nope, still me. Just me full of anxiety and self-loathing.

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On 11/7/2021 at 12:40 AM, unlucky7 said:

other times I'm a total nervous wreck who judges herself harshly every time she says something. I was a whole comedian for those paramedics, and for the people in my driver's ed class, but it's almost physically painful to interact with people who I kind of know.

You're not alone.  The jokes I can crack are funny af.  But yeah I'm a nervous wreck at times.

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