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I woke up this morning, resolved to finish writing a paper for school. I am not even close to capable at the moment, because I'm in sucha  fucked up mood.

It came on rather suddenly, like an obscene panic attack, but its been happening for hours. I'm shaking/screaming/crying/having panic attacks/so desperately trying not to stab myself in the face with a pen.

But mostly, I'm enraged, that my doctor would let this happen to me. This is the worst feeling I've ever felt, my most severe depressions are nothing compared to this. And I was one of those, literally not get out of bed for 3 months at a time, depressed people.

I"m making 2 emergency appointments tomorrow after I hand in this paper. The first with my pdoc, so I can tell him to his face what a worthless piece of shit he is, and how i've never felt more disappointed than when I walk out of his office, and that if I ever see him again it will be too soon.

The second, to my family doctor, for a new referral, and some real medication. I don't know what the hell he's going to give me, but I hope it's something better than klonopin. I just took one from the stash I took from a friend (something I do not condone, but a fact is a fact) and it's not helping at all.

I feel bad that theres hardly if any point to this post, I just need to write this down somewhere to feel validated.

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ehygon, you're being heard.  I can be a pretty rapid cycler.  An episode can come upon me so suddenly, and I feel so much rage sometimes that just getting it out in any way possible feels better.  I'm glad you chose to post to help.

One thought at a time, I try & tell myself out loud.  Those damn racing thoughts & how they love to get out of control, don't they??

Take care.

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How much Effexor are you on?  I went too high because it was helping GAD, but it induced rapid cycling and bad mixed states.  I'm down to 75 now and it's a little better, slower cycling. 

I'm going the lithium monotherapy route monday.  Pop a seroquel and an ativan NOW.  I see they are in you cocktail.  It will help the mixed.  I'm surviving on valium and seroquel until monday.

Oh, are those old prescriptions listed?  Ok, what do you take now that brings you down?  Seroquel is the best if you still take it.

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How much Effexor are you on?  I went too high because it was helping GAD, but it induced rapid cycling and bad mixed states.  I'm down to 75 now and it's a little better, slower cycling. 

I'm going the lithium monotherapy route monday.  Pop a seroquel and an ativan NOW.  I see they are in you cocktail.  It will help the mixed.  I'm surviving on valium and seroquel until monday.

Oh, are those old prescriptions listed?  Ok, what do you take now that brings you down?  Seroquel is the best if you still take it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

almost all the ones in my sig are old. Right now I'm taking 300mg lithium, and 1mg ativan prn.

I took 1mg each of ativan and klonopin, and after a half hour or so, I came down, felt dopey, and went to sleep. Even then, I only got 6 hours heh.

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Did you just start the lithium?  Your levels might be low, especially on that dose.

Why are you so mad at pdoc, did he refuse to help you?  I hope you can get

something to help you out of this.  I know it sucks but hang in there!!

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Did you just start the lithium?  Your levels might be low, especially on that dose.

Why are you so mad at pdoc, did he refuse to help you?  I hope you can get

something to help you out of this.  I know it sucks but hang in there!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I originally started lithium, added to remeron, in like, november. I stopped taking it the first of february, because I couldn't handle school work. I would sleep for about 14 hours, go to like 2 hours of class, and then come home, clean out the fridge, and go back to bed. I know there's a lot of things I could have done, like jsut forget the remeron, (which was pooped out anyway) but I decided, fuck them all, I hate the pills. I went to see him feb 22, and told him about it then, and he decided that if i can make it three weeks without meds, I can wait another month before he gives me new ones. He hands me two sets of three questionaires, and sends me packing.

Soon before my march 22 appointment, I started to really lose it. I would have quasi-delusions like "that girl on the bus can hear my thoughts." Which, while I know doesn't make sense, it still really upset me. I always feel the eyes of the world on me, and it really agitates me. I went to his office on the 22nd, and i was so upset in his waiting room, i was shaking, rocking, and twirling my hair, because I was about ready to jump out of my skin. He gave me a choice; Lithium again, or Zyprexa. I decided I didn't want zyprexa, because I don't want to become a zombie. I am a student, and I feel that any medication that intereferes with that, is not worth taking.

So he returns me to 300mg lithium. He had mentioned previously (the appt before? one before that? i dunno) that it wasn't even close to therapeutic (which I'm sure shocks and amazes). And I really don't understand why. He's very aware of my more-extreme-than-is-probably normal mood swings, but I guess since I don't complain about how 'horrible' it is to be elated, focused, and goal oriented is, he's not willing to call this shit bipolar. I've been told off in the past by my first pdoc, for trying to find a name for what's wrong with me, so I don't tell doctors my opinion to avoid stepping on toes.

I'm mostly mad, because I think if he had made said conclusion (bipolar dx), and given me proper medication, this wouldn't have happened to me. Last night was the most agonizing and torturous event that has ever happened to me, and I'm still not quite right. I took some seroquel I had left over, and it's helping a bit.

I will make it through this, mostly so I can tell him what I feel I need to.

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i think sometimes they just try different meds and depending on how you respond and what the meds are RXd for then thats how they decide a diagnosis ( ie: if lexapro worked, you must be depressed with GAD, etc...)  its like they want the dx to fit the meds when  it should be the other way around!

i hope you do get straightened out and are able to clearly express to the dr just what you think! hang in there!!!

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i think sometimes they just try different meds and depending on how you respond and what the meds are RXd for then thats how they decide a diagnosis ( ie: if lexapro worked, you must be depressed with GAD, etc...)  its like they want the dx to fit the meds when  it should be the other way around!

From my experience this happens way too often.  That's so fucked up.  I hate that feeling when you know your pdoc is doing that....and then you keep returning with the same checkbook....

I need to get a  new one before I get way too bitter.

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I have a suggestion- maybe try Risperdal and an AD, perhaps with the Li. I liked Risp, except that it made me lactate. It calmed down my weirdo psychosis (sounds like you have what I have) and stabilized me a bit. While on the Risp and Li you can be pretty sure an AD won't send you flying, so you could try it in small doses and see how you do...

loonier than ever!

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I know how it is waiting for meds.  The place where I go had me going to therapy

before I could even make an appointment w/the pdoc.  My therapist told me I was

"fine" as she thoughtfully contemplated which of her toe rings she was gonna play

with at that session.  She told me if I wasn't fine she would have sent me to the

hospital.  So, apparantly, there are only two ways of being: fine or batshit crazy.

Your pdoc should be treating symptoms regardless of whether you are BP or not.

Talk to him and tell him your symptoms are not being controlled.  He should be

working with you to find some combo that will help.  Not all people with mental

illness run screaming in the streets naked.  Maybe think about getting referred to

another pdoc if this one isn't taking you seriously.  I really feel for you, I know

how frustrating it is waiting for stability.  Let us know how things are going.

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I have a suggestion- maybe try Risperdal and an AD, perhaps with the Li. I liked Risp, except that it made me lactate. It calmed down my weirdo psychosis (sounds like you have what I have) and stabilized me a bit. While on the Risp and Li you can be pretty sure an AD won't send you flying, so you could try it in small doses and see how you do...

loonier than ever!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm open to almost any drug really, that could control this crap. The only things i have a problem with are the extreme sedation and obscene appetite increase/weight gain. As far as I can tell, that eliminates only zyprexa and seroquel. I'm kind of iffy on risp, because i think if i started to lactate, i would kill myself from embarassment, but it seems like a good idea.

I know how it is waiting for meds.  The place where I go had me going to therapy

before I could even make an appointment w/the pdoc.  My therapist told me I was

"fine" as she thoughtfully contemplated which of her toe rings she was gonna play

with at that session.  She told me if I wasn't fine she would have sent me to the

hospital.  So, apparantly, there are only two ways of being: fine or batshit crazy.

Your pdoc should be treating symptoms regardless of whether you are BP or not.

Talk to him and tell him your symptoms are not being controlled.  He should be

working with you to find some combo that will help.  Not all people with mental

illness run screaming in the streets naked.  Maybe think about getting referred to

another pdoc if this one isn't taking you seriously.  I really feel for you, I know

how frustrating it is waiting for stability.  Let us know how things are going.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm going to see my pdoc on the 19th, and i'm torn between telling him up front that i hate him, or playing it so i get some meds to tide me over, til i see my GP on may 11th, so i can get a new referral. either way, new doctor ;)

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