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Life is something I “get through”


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So a little about me since this is my first post. I’ll try not to write a book. Had my first depressive episode around the age of 19. Pretty much came out of the blue.

Back in the early 1980’s, there were only the tricyclics or the MAOI’s. Was put on imipramine and then doxepin. These were miracle drugs for me. Literally gave me my life back. Doxepin became my “go to” drug for years. Would get off of it and when another bout arose (usually after a physical upheaval or after extreme pain) I’d go back on it. 

Fast forward to the past ten years. This current bout has dug it’s claws into me and will not leave. Pdoc said let’s try some of the latest and greatest drugs. Maybe they wouldn’t cause the weight gain and other side effects that doxepin unfortunately does. Trial and error (as I’m sure you all know) and most of them sucked.

I then suffered a concussion about 4 years ago and, of course, went into post concussive syndrome with some of my worst depression/anxiety ever. Nortriptyline helped a lot and pulled me out of that black hole but not all the way. So again, trial and (many) errors.

I told my current pdoc this past March that I wanted to go back to the doxepin and just deal with the side effects. And it did help. Some. Lo and behold, my “go to” drug is now totally failing me. Wellbutrin has been tossed in but eh….the fatigue is still crushing.    

I’m not really living. I’m just getting through things and barely at that. I dread having to do something and am thankful when things are cancelled. I’ve thought that if this is my life now, what’s the point? I feel useless most days. But I can’t end it all (wish I could) so I often just hope I won’t wake up. I hate waking up most days.


 

 

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On 11/12/2021 at 12:02 AM, 2Tired said:

So a little about me since this is my first post. I’ll try not to write a book. Had my first depressive episode around the age of 19. Pretty much came out of the blue.

Back in the early 1980’s, there were only the tricyclics or the MAOI’s. Was put on imipramine and then doxepin. These were miracle drugs for me. Literally gave me my life back. Doxepin became my “go to” drug for years. Would get off of it and when another bout arose (usually after a physical upheaval or after extreme pain) I’d go back on it. 

Fast forward to the past ten years. This current bout has dug it’s claws into me and will not leave. Pdoc said let’s try some of the latest and greatest drugs. Maybe they wouldn’t cause the weight gain and other side effects that doxepin unfortunately does. Trial and error (as I’m sure you all know) and most of them sucked.

I then suffered a concussion about 4 years ago and, of course, went into post concussive syndrome with some of my worst depression/anxiety ever. Nortriptyline helped a lot and pulled me out of that black hole but not all the way. So again, trial and (many) errors.

I told my current pdoc this past March that I wanted to go back to the doxepin and just deal with the side effects. And it did help. Some. Lo and behold, my “go to” drug is now totally failing me. Wellbutrin has been tossed in but eh….the fatigue is still crushing.    

I’m not really living. I’m just getting through things and barely at that. I dread having to do something and am thankful when things are cancelled. I’ve thought that if this is my life now, what’s the point? I feel useless most days. But I can’t end it all (wish I could) so I often just hope I won’t wake up. I hate waking up most days.


 

 

Just wanted to say that last paragraph, I feel like that a lot most days. I know how it feels. It sucks.

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Just existing rather than living, in the forlorn hope that life will someday make sense and be worthwhile. I think that's all pretty common with depression. I wish I could say that it can all turn out wonderfully in the end but I'm not there yet, and I have my doubts. Maybe for the best. It's annoying when people are so positive. Why are you depressed? Life is wonderful. Why aren't you depressed you fucking idiot! Sorry, I'm getting angry and sweary about a hyopthetical fuckwit. For what it's worth I've struggled with depression since about age 12. Things have been far worse than they are now, though I do constantly sink back down there, and I'm no stranger to suicidal thoughts. I never thought I'd be where I am today, although I'm still fucking miserable. I don't know if life will ever be wonderful. Hopefully it will be tolerable some day. I don't know. You aren't alone though. 

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