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Feeling Confused, Anxious, Lost


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I feel so pathetic right now. I can’t seem to figure things out or why everything feels difficult, it’s like my basic problem solving skills have gone out the door.

I’m even too afraid to take a damn shower every single day! I literally feel too scared and have this irrational thought process against showering. I shower, but inconsistently, and I definitely want to shower daily, however, it just seems too difficult and scary!

Is this anxiety or depression? Or both?

I feel confused and… i don’t know. I literally just don’t seem to know.

it’s as I’d the ‘bigger picture’ is right there in front of me. However, there’s a cloud surrounding me. No matter how much I try to clear this cloudiness away from my view, I still can’t see or tangibly think and grasp the ‘bigger picture.” The more I clear it away, the cloudier it gets.

What is this thing I’m dealing with?

I took 1/2 mg of my Klonopin at 5:13pm to see if maybe I can just rationalize and calm my a$$ down. I also see my pdoc on 12/20/21. He did increase the Trileptal on the 12/7/21. During our last appt, he did say that my moods are cycling and that the bipolar part of my illness is still a bit unstable. He said that we’d either increase Trileptal or decrease the Lexapro itself, because the Lex could be throwing the bipolar out of wack. I said no way to decreasing Lex, because I’m seriously too afraid of my kind of depression and my depressive episodes. I seriously said that, but he did agree to increase the Trileptal by 150mg. So, 2 in the AM and two in the PM since that appointment.

I think my medication list is out of date. I will change it once I submit this post. My DX’s are up to date… Please, someone help! Or at least, if someone can relate…
 

Current Medications:

Adderall XR: 40 mg AM/ 5 mg noon

Lexapro: 20 mg AM

Trileptal: 300 mg AM/ 300 mg noon

Rexulti: 4 mg AM

Klonopin: 1 mg PM (bedtime)

Omeprazole: 40 mg AM 

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I definitely think it is for sure. I've noticed over the months that when I took only 150 mg at noon, instead of 300 mg, my mood dipped tremendously. Taking 300 mg at noon seriously helps a lot. The only thing about this particular medication is that it's supposed to be taken ever 12 hours. For some odd reason, the effects only last 6 hours in my system. Same thing with Adderall XR, but for only 4 hours. I'm definitely not addicted to Adderall. In fact, it helps, not just my focus and concentration, but my functioning as far as motivation, impulse control, performance in life (not just in academics, but at work too), self control, emotional control, etc. Hence, why I take another 5 mg at noon. It's so odd with the Adderall, because it's supposed to last all day. Idk why the hell it only last 4 hours. My thought is that the Rexulti and all of the other meds calm me down so much that the Adderall only lasts so long... Call me dependent, because I definitely need Adderall to do things and to actually reach my goals, achieve, etc. I have very severe ADHD. BUT all of this is besides the point.

So update: I switched the Rexulti to night time instead of the morning. HUGE difference. I think that it was causing all of those side effects, like the weird thoughts that I was having, the nervousness, the feeling of feeling lost, and cloudiness. I think it was overpowering the Lexapro for sure. I feel a lot better in the mornings now. Evenings still suck though, so Idk. I do lose motivation after the last Adderall XR 5 mg I take. There is just something about my illness that makes me very very lost and unmotivated without it. I don't understand why. The anxiety and all of that does build right back up after the 5 mg loses effect. Do you or anyone else have any idea what this is or why this happens?

Tbh... I would like to ask my doctor for a 5 mg increase in the Adderall. It really helps me feel emotionally stable. I have no idea why it has such a good effect on my emotions. You would think that all of the other meds that I'm taking would do just that. Adderall is the icing on the cake. Idk if that's a good thing or a bad thing... I'm hoping that it's a normal effect. It's just that my pdoc might say no, because I do have history of manic episodes from 2014 and 2015 (last 2 episodes I ever had. None since then). He was very reluctant to even prescribe me the extra 5 mg, so another 5 mg??? I mean.. I guess all I can do is just tell him when I'm telling you and to just ask him if he can increase it, and the rest is just up to him... Ugh. He's a very good pdoc. I honestly don't think he will increase it, because I'm sure that he's afraid that I will be manic again. I've been on Vyvanse, Adderall, and other stims and non stims before (not at the same time, of course), and they really did help me a lot. I'm more depressive than manic, or so I've noticed over the decades. I'm more low than high the majority of the time. I can even sleep while on Adderall, hah. I get 8 hours of sleep every night still, especially with taking the Klonopin 1 mg. That really helps a lot with my anxiety during the nighttime when I am done with work for the day, etc etc.

Well, idk. Thoughts???

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6 hours ago, Oniliscious said:

 It's so odd with the Adderall, because it's supposed to last all day. Idk why the hell it only last 4 hours. 

Just a thought, but how long have you been on the 40mg Adderall XR?..........

If you've been on that dose for awhile, it's possible that you may have built up a tolerance to some of it's effects.

There's no harm in asking your pdoc about the Adderall, but if you ask, be prepared he might say no.

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58 minutes ago, CrazyRedhead said:

Just a thought, but how long have you been on the 40mg Adderall XR?..........

If you've been on that dose for awhile, it's possible that you may have built up a tolerance to some of it's effects.

There's no harm in asking your pdoc about the Adderall, but if you ask, be prepared he might say no.

I agree with you that he might say no. I've been on Adderall XR off and on for a few years now. I've tried so many stimulants that I don't even really remember when I started it up again. I've probably taken this medication since sometime last year.

I also thought of something better that I think would ultimately make more sense and to my pdoc (hopefully). Honestly, I think you're right that I might have built up a tolerance to Adderall. And I thought to myself, "Do I or does it even scientifically make any sense to even be on more of this medication or to even take it long term?" And my answer is, a hard no. Thinking about it, it would more than likely end up ruining my life.  

However, I've been on Strattera 60 mg before. It's a non stimulant and an uncontrolled drug. When I was on it last year (2020), I was also on two antidepressants, two antipsychotics, one stimulant and a non stimulant, yes, all at once. It was ridiculous! But then again, I was seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner who just didn't really understand the science/art of psychiatric medication. I was numb af. Though, I did get one little glimpse of good from the Strattera one day while I was on it. I think now, with the current doctor, Strattera would be more beneficial to me, even more so than taking or increasing Adderall.

Look, I have severe ADHD. It's so chronic that I would rather just have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type and GAD together than to ever have ADHD with it or without the other dx's. Honestly, it's the worst! My other dx's are more under control than my ADHD, and I honestly do believe that the Adderall may be causing some of these mood shifts that I'm having. I want normalcy in my life, not more of a controlled substance. Strattera would seem more beneficial to me overall and for the long-term than taking Adderall and growing more and more dependent on it overtime. It doesn't make any sense. Adderall is no joke. It's realistic for a lot of people with ADHD, but I may not be the best candidate for this type of ADHD medication. Idk, but I think my pdoc would jump for joy when I suggest Strattera to him and to lower my Adderall overtime, to the point where I no longer even have to take it.

Thoughts?

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3 hours ago, Oniliscious said:

I agree with you that he might say no. I've been on Adderall XR off and on for a few years now. I've tried so many stimulants that I don't even really remember when I started it up again. I've probably taken this medication since sometime last year.

I also thought of something better that I think would ultimately make more sense and to my pdoc (hopefully). Honestly, I think you're right that I might have built up a tolerance to Adderall. And I thought to myself, "Do I or does it even scientifically make any sense to even be on more of this medication or to even take it long term?" And my answer is, a hard no. Thinking about it, it would more than likely end up ruining my life.  

However, I've been on Strattera 60 mg before. It's a non stimulant and an uncontrolled drug. When I was on it last year (2020), I was also on two antidepressants, two antipsychotics, one stimulant and a non stimulant, yes, all at once. It was ridiculous! But then again, I was seeing a psychiatric nurse practitioner who just didn't really understand the science/art of psychiatric medication. I was numb af. Though, I did get one little glimpse of good from the Strattera one day while I was on it. I think now, with the current doctor, Strattera would be more beneficial to me, even more so than taking or increasing Adderall.

Look, I have severe ADHD. It's so chronic that I would rather just have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type and GAD together than to ever have ADHD with it or without the other dx's. Honestly, it's the worst! My other dx's are more under control than my ADHD, and I honestly do believe that the Adderall may be causing some of these mood shifts that I'm having. I want normalcy in my life, not more of a controlled substance. Strattera would seem more beneficial to me overall and for the long-term than taking Adderall and growing more and more dependent on it overtime. It doesn't make any sense. Adderall is no joke. It's realistic for a lot of people with ADHD, but I may not be the best candidate for this type of ADHD medication. Idk, but I think my pdoc would jump for joy when I suggest Strattera to him and to lower my Adderall overtime, to the point where I no longer even have to take it.

Thoughts?

Agree with discussing strattera. 

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