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Feeling like there is hope


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I've been questioning so much since my diagnosis has changed to bipolar and I've felt everything on the spectrum from relief to finally feeling like there was an answer that fit better to questioning if we were way off base. I guess with some things you have to accept that only time will tell, BUT today was the first day I have felt pretty stable in a while. My thoughts aren't racing AND I'm not completely depressed. I feel like I can hear myself again.

I am in the middle of titrating up with Lamotrigine. Not on my final dose yet and we still likely have a long way to go, but for the first time in a while I feel like maybe it's not just me and maybe I'm not just doomed to be miserable or the complete opposite. My impulsivity during, what were probably manic or hypomanic times, has gotten me into a lot of trouble. I just never recognized it as that. I always thought the depression just came back strong or that it was a problem with me personally. Feeling clear headed today is a step in the right direction. Can't predict tomorrow and there's still a lot of factors to consider and I have been told by my doctor it usually takes a few different medications (although he assured me he would try his best to keep medications to the minimum amount needed and not rush into trying a bunch of different things)... but today, I can think. And that's pretty cool. And it's not in that "mind racing, gotta get my thoughts out immediately" kind of way. And it's not in that super dark introspective/destructive way I can think during depression. 

Just wanted to share that with everyone. I hope everyone here finds the right solution for them, including myself. I've had meds work and then not work, but it's days like today that remind me there ARE answers and with enough time, patience and consistency it could be possible to not feel so lost forever.

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  • 1 month later...

Interesting that my experience was similar. I had such depression and also times that I just thought I was messed up with no self control. I resisted the new diagnosis and treatment but it’s been life changing. Lamotrigine has given me a new life in some ways because depression was such a constant. It did take time plus it’s not my only med but only a small dose of another and I am afraid to change anything. I hope it’s the answer for you too. 

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