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Chronic feelings of emptiness


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Ok, I haven't felt borderline in a while, but at the age of 22 (as young as I might appear) I can't seem to shake this feeling of emptiness.

It's a giant void. It feels like there is nothing I can do to get rid of it.

I used to think the void had to do with not knowing enough people I could relate to. So I met people who I could relate to. Then I thought the void had to do with not accomplishing anything musically. So I decided to release an album and start a band.

It just seems like nothing is ever enough.

It seems like once I get what I'm looking for I need something else. Nothing is ever good enough. The emptiness always remains.

I do not feel like I had an actual self. I think that identity is a toy. Flexible.

Currently I feel mundane, lacking passion, and fat. I've been eating way too much. To fill the void? Dunno. I should go for a bike ride by I don't live in the nicest part of down and it's 10 PM. Fuck.

This is what happens when I'm not constantly occupied. Emptiness. When I am occupied I feel like I'm only distracting myself from the emptiness.

What can I do to fill the void? Or does it not even exist? If it doesn't exist, why do I feel so empty and hollow? Like there is nothing that is actually inside of me? Like everything I've ever done/known/felt/believed/experienced has in some shape or form been stripped away and shattered into a million pieces. Maybe I did that all to myself. I just don't know anymore.

I just don't fucking know.

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oftentimes i feel the same way.  especially how you said keeping busy is a way to distract yourself from the emptiness.  :S

my friend suggested volunteer work.  but i don't know if that's just another way to distract...  perhaps it is, but at least someone will feel better.  try that perhaps?

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i think my emptiness comes about from several factors.

-my lack of faith in myself.

-my lack of faith of humanity in general (most people seem selfish and don't care about the fellow man).

-the dreadful thought that life is supposed to be like it is right now; people so busy with -their own lives that they don't have time to appreciate things and have fun (it's all about making money?) also, whatever happened to caring about relationships?

-my attempt to be useful in society does not seem to be enough.

i "distract" myself from the void by sometimes being super hyper, super "happy", loud, silly, buying my friends presents (i think they get weirded out by that).  if there's no one else around then i'll hum.... the humming worries me :S

hmm.... sorry, i think i'm extra pessimistic today....  i'll come back later and see if i can make this more positive....

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Do you know where this constant feeling of discontent comes from? Maybe we can get rid of it by getting to its roots?

i think it has a lot to do with this:

I do not feel like I had an actual self. I think that identity is a toy. Flexible.

i don't know how to wave a magic wand, or even tell you how to get a stable sense of self.  i do now that after a crap load of work in therapy (DBT and regular) i finally have a stable sense of self and that ache of empty is (almost always) gone.  i think they go hand-in-hand.  if you can find you, a stable you that isn't dependent upon your job, your friends, your clothes, etc. a you that is YOU deep down, learn to know (excuse the cheese) your "soul" then you will be one step closer to escaping the empty.

the ache sucks.  and i may be wrong, but i think the first step to ending the ache is to work on finding a deep stable sense of self.

i wish i had a better answer.  i wish i could wave a wand and make the ache go away.

best,

penny

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Well it's been a long time since I've posted.  Yeah I'm still here.  But do I feel like I'm here???  No.  I'm dead inside.  I feel the same way.  Music doesn't bring happiness.  I can't concentrate to read, write poetry, write music, hell, even sit at this computer at times.

I eat way too much now.  I've gained a ton of weight and I know I should go on a diet.  But I just don't seem to give a shit anymore.  I'm bored with life.

Last night, I wanted to commit suicide, and not because I'm bored with life, because I'm tired of people ganging up on me.  Especially my father and sister.  I love them both but they always have to butt their noses into my life and tell me how I should live.  And it's not even helpful advice they're giving.  They're telling me to get rid of my cats, which are in fact my only children I'll ever have.  My dad keeps complaining to me about money, which I don't have a lot of and it's not my fault.  I'm on SSD.  Can't they see that I need help in a different kind of way?

But yes, I know how you feel, now that I've gone on about my pathetic life.  If only there was a solution to this boredom.

Elizabeth

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Do you know where this constant feeling of discontent comes from? Maybe we can get rid of it by getting to its roots?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i think it has a lot to do with this:

I do not feel like I had an actual self. I think that identity is a toy. Flexible.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i don't know how to wave a magic wand, or even tell you how to get a stable sense of self.  i do now that after a crap load of work in therapy (DBT and regular) i finally have a stable sense of self and that ache of empty is (almost always) gone.  i think they go hand-in-hand.  if you can find you, a stable you that isn't dependent upon your job, your friends, your clothes, etc. a you that is YOU deep down, learn to know (excuse the cheese) your "soul" then you will be one step closer to escaping the empty.

the ache sucks.  and i may be wrong, but i think the first step to ending the ache is to work on finding a deep stable sense of self.

i wish i had a better answer.  i wish i could wave a wand and make the ache go away.

best,

penny

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i agree with what penny said.  granted, I am someone who DOES NOT have a stable sense of self.... and, fuck, is that an understatement....  It makes sense to me that if I could truly find myself (and even be somewhat happy with me), the emptiness inside would groe smaller and smaller. 

Sometimes by saying things like "stable sense of self" and shit like that, I feel as iff I am just throwing words around and that's all.... because it seems impossible.... for me I mean. 

I don;t know.  I do know how some of you have mentioned with things that you thought should have filled the void, but didnt.  My acting, my singing, all sorts of academtic honors I recieved a year earlier than people normally do when they are qualified to recieve them, and all sorts of other crap.... but that is just what it is in my head... crap.  It doesn't help to fill anything.  So i know.... i know...

Penny is right, though.  I know people who have been helped so much.  And... I dont know.... I wish the best for all of you because it is what you all deserve....

<3

Ophelia

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I feel the same way.  The thing for me is that I'm not very good at distracting myself.  When I get down (which is much of the time) my attention span is very short and I just can't seem to keep myself busy. 

But...I can relate.

As far as filling the void, the one thing that works for me is yoga.  I take a class once a week and I never feel as whole and at peace as I do right when class is ending.  It's like the exercise and meditation "unblocks" all of my emotions and helps me connect with the universe (I don't mean that in quite as kooky a way as it sounds).  Unfortunately, it seems to wear off rather quickly.  But yoga is something I'd really suggest, especially the gentle, meditative types like kripalu.

Also, I love playing with animals.  They give you a lot of love and that can help remind you that you're lovable.  Animals see the good in you, I think, unlike people, who can be so duplicitous.

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i think my emptiness comes about from several factors.

-my lack of faith in myself.

-my lack of faith of humanity in general (most people seem selfish and don't care about the fellow man).

-the dreadful thought that life is supposed to be like it is right now; people so busy with -their own lives that they don't have time to appreciate things and have fun (it's all about making money?) also, whatever happened to caring about relationships?

-my attempt to be useful in society does not seem to be enough.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I just wanted to say that I can identify with all of these.  I feel empty 99% of the time.

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  • 3 years later...
Guest monstergirl

i think my emptiness comes about from several factors.

-my lack of faith in myself.

-my lack of faith of humanity in general (most people seem selfish and don't care about the fellow man).

-the dreadful thought that life is supposed to be like it is right now; people so busy with -their own lives that they don't have time to appreciate things and have fun (it's all about making money?) also, whatever happened to caring about relationships?

-my attempt to be useful in society does not seem to be enough.

i "distract" myself from the void by sometimes being super hyper, super "happy", loud, silly, buying my friends presents (i think they get weirded out by that).  if there's no one else around then i'll hum.... the humming worries me :S

hmm.... sorry, i think i'm extra pessimistic today....  i'll come back later and see if i can make this more positive....

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Guest monstergirl

i no how you all feel. i hate it. i cant call this living. its not. i have to pretend im happy for everybody else. i have to fake joy. i wish i knew what it really feels like to be happy. i dont know how to fix this. sometimes i dont even care. i just want it all to end. empty promises. empty words. empty life. empty me. going through the motions. its like im in survival mode. the shell of me...my human form is just trying to stay alive...but im dead on the inside. i cant feel anything. just hollowness. my "friends" always ask how im doing and i say im fine...then i realize thats one of the biggest lies ive ever told.

i wish hat no one else had to feel like this. no one deserves this. i can feel nothingness eating away at my soul. and at this point i dont even want to fight back anymore.

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I would love to know why I feel empty all the time. I didn't really get that answered at my DBT group. I still have not found a long lasting reason to find life worth living. The day I got my nails done and my brows waxed was a day that I felt life was worth living, but nothing since then.

I have had this emptyness even as a child. My mom was talking about my behavior as a kid and I'm just now connectiing it to feeling empty.

My son has BP NOS and I hope to God he doesn't feel this way. It really is a horrible feeling. It's like no matter how great something is the let down is just around the corner. And for no good reason.

Why can't I keep a happy high for a while, or just be happy for no reason. I don't think I have ever been happy for any good length of time.

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  • 3 months later...
Guest khadija

you have just said every thing i wanted to say unbelievable it felt as i i was talking, you have no idea what does it mean to me to know that i am not alone in this, i have always blamed my self for not making too many friends and even closing the door in the face of any one who want to be my friend, because simply i feel disconnected to this world some times i feel that i am merely a ghost that i don't even exist i won't be surprised if one day i turn out to be already dead or something like in horror movies and what drive me crazy is that nothing from boys to parties to shopping to going out nothing feels this hole inside me nothing and am only 22 i wonder what will i feel like in 10 or 20 years from now, it really suck

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i don't know how to wave a magic wand, or even tell you how to get a stable sense of self. i do now that after a crap load of work in therapy (DBT and regular) i finally have a stable sense of self and that ache of empty is (almost always) gone. i think they go hand-in-hand. if you can find you, a stable you that isn't dependent upon your job, your friends, your clothes, etc. a you that is YOU deep down, learn to know (excuse the cheese) your "soul" then you will be one step closer to escaping the empty.

I'm chiming in with Penny on this one, as others have. This is certainly the canonical wisdom for dealing with that horrible empty place inside that is so characteristic of BPD. People have had some relief, as mentioned, with DBT, yoga, daily meditation, and radical acceptance. Meds can help stop-gap your mood over until you can see results from therapy, but the meds won't fix it either. All I can say is that there certainly is a you, a real self, even if you can't see it. It is there. You are a whole, real person and deserve to feel good about yourself. I hope this gets better for you ...

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  • 6 months later...
Guest clementine

I am fortunate to feel a fairly good sense of who I am. And I'm pleased with who I am. It's taken a long time to be as strong and brave and adventurous and accomplished as I've always wanted to be. I should feel stable. But I feel so unstable because of this emptiness. I'm very positive and I've always had a strong faith in God and a decent faith in people. But like most of you, everytime I search for meaningful things, I'm back to feeling a strange void, the search for fulfillment. I'm involved in church. I volunteer in the community. I help people all the time. I thought this was the meaning of life. I've always felt called to help people. I go on big trips when I can and have grand adventures. I'm completely independent. I know that if I really want something, I can get it done. And I'm not depressed. But I can't concentrate on hardly anything because I still feel like something's missing. The only idea left is to find a soulmate who you think is going to complete you and take away the emptiness. But that is impossible. Isn't fulfillment supposed to come from yourself? Yet that seems to be what I crave; what I'm searching to reach fulfillment. I hope that will let me concentrate again.

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