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I just need to let this all out. I havn't told anyone what's really going on in my life lately.Sorry if this gets long...dont feel like you have to read it.

i was debating on whether to put this in this forum or the schizophrenia forum. hope i made the right choice. however, this is my first post on the depression board, so...hi everyone.

i feel like shit and i will likely wind up back in the hospital pretty soon....it's my fault though.

First i went off the anti psychotic; abilify. I've done this quite a few times before with the same result; voices, delusions, and paranoia come back slowly and before i know it im back in the hospital. I told myself i'd only go off it for a week or two...just to have a break from the side effects, but now i can't seem to convince myself to start taking it again. The voices and delusional thinking and negative symptoms are coming back slowly....but they're coming.

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You shouldve added one more goal to your list. Post thoughts on crazyboards and make it long. You suceeded! one more goal achieved today. I read your whole story and am sure others here will too. Good Luck ditching the meds, for better or worse. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

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I went off my med last year too.  I was just taking Zoloft, but had been for 11 years.  I wanted to experience what "normal" was, who I was w/o the drug.  Took about a week for me to crash.  I experimented w/a few AD's and now I'm back to Zoloft but this year has been hell for me.  I certainly wish I haden't gone off..good luck to you!

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Sorry to hear you are feeling crappy. As a fellow schizo-person-who-tried-to-ditch-abilify I can relate to what you are going through

We all go off our meds at some point, - it happens to the best of us! I guess it's something you have to get out of your system. You need to examine your motivation for quitting them in the first place. What prompted the big ditching of the meds in the first place? I know that I tried to give up my medication and my quality of life took a huge nose dive. It was not a life worth living. I feel so much better now that I am back on them. I hope your situation resolves itself and you feel better soon. Keep us updated. ;)

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I think many if not most of us go off our meds at some time.  Crappy side effects, wanting to be in control?  Yeah, those are probaly the biggest reasons.

Your boyfriend is going to need some good care in recuperating.  The best encouragement I can give you for taking your meds is so that you can be there for him, support him in getting well. 

Best,

A.M.

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So sorry about all this misery.

I mean all of it, back from when you started at age five, hearing about the realitves with sz and getting that sense.  You must be no more than twenty too. 

I don't know where you live, but where I am (Central PA) there is a service through the County called ICMs (Intensive Cae Managers).  They come to your home for hours, as often as once a week if needed. They aren't therapists but they coordinate services, know the ropes, can apply for free meds, help you prioritize etc.  There's a long waiting list, but applying doesn't take long. In fact, it's jsut a phone call if you've already been through the financial paperwork and initial interview (sounds like you have). 

Somebody like that could help you stay on track.  Also if it's a matter of getting disability, he or she's make sure you got it all together.  My ICM applies for things for me, or they  would never get done.  It's very important you get things done right too since some programs need to be applied for by age cutoffs,  or you can permanently lose rights  since you became ill as a juvenile.  This  also goes for indefinite health insurance on a parent's policy.

Please try to care enough about yourself to get on top of this. I know it's SO hard - and  truly a Catch 22 besides.  You need disability coverage because you're disabled but you can't apply BECAUSE of the disability!  I feel sure there is a social service to help you so you don't fall between the cracks this way.

You're right.  The longer you stay off the meds, the less likely you are to go back on  your own. Worse (accordng to me anyhow) the law being as it is,  they can't make you take them. Another Catch 22.  The more you need them, the more you  can become  convinced you DON'T need them.  My son's pdoc said one of the risks of his stopping his Abilify (his former med) is that it might become almost impossible to convince him to go back onto it as he lost insight more and more.

And that's with somebody trying to persuade him!

By the way,  if the Abilify was activating to you, that would increase your sleepiness too. You talk about feeling suicidal before, but there are many  ways to do yourself in. It sounds to me that you're commiting slow suicide by putting yourself in a place where you KNOW  you're going to slide downhill. I mean stopping the meds.  Writing here seems like a cry for help. Please get it. 

About your boyfriend.  Maybe finding out about his kidney disease, can save his life - so it's  possible that terrible fall could have had at least one good result. I wonder how and why he fell  Sounds to me as if you two need a lot of advocacy to get services both of you qualify for. 

Can't help thinking that was a mighty ambitious list you wrote yourself.  I say good for doing the negected laundry!  There are days, I have struggled to find ANYTHING constructive I've done and only come up with "flossed teeth".    Fewer self expectations and more credit for yourself, I say!  You're NOT an idiot and that was NOT crap you wrote. Neither are you.  You  deserve better. 

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Life can be really tough.  I empathise with your condition. My brother died crossing the street 13 years ago nearly and it tore us all apart.  Being diagnosed with schizophrenia recently scared me a little but provided me with some relief; at least I know what is wrong and can have it treated directly.

Try to keep in mind that most psychiatric meds are not designed to be cut out cold turkey.  If you feel like they arent working you need to talk with your dr about making some changes, and if you feel good, its probably because they are working.

I am currently on a whopping 1500mg of seroquel for schizophrenia.  Its caused a fair bit of weight gain and I get tired sometimes, but it blocks out the voices and a lot of the disordered thought almost completely.  We are switching me over to abilify soon which I am looking forward to.

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thank you everyone for your support

My mind is not working well right now. I wish i could respond more. I just wanted to let you all know how thankful i am and that i read all the replies. Hopefully tomorrow i will be able to say more.

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