Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

overwhelmed


Guest ~Aurelie~

Recommended Posts

Guest ~Aurelie~

hi. i'm going to try to put some words out here because i desperately need some help but my brain is not functioning properly and i don't know how clear this post will come across.

so i've got parts/alters. whatever.

kind of a big change has happened recently. walked out on job and began new one within a week. there was lot's of infighting and abuse going on in the former. the latter seems quite good so far, good people, but it's not the same. i have sentimental feelings for the old place for certain reasons i won't get into here, but those feelings are pretty major, and i was hugely betrayed. HUGELY. i am deeply saddened by what happened and it won't let go of me.

other parts are going through other things. like with family of origin stuff. certain ones are coming into town next month, and another has begun to play new mind games. while i myself have dealt with a lot of this stuff long ago, other parts haven't fully, some haven't even begun, some still live in that house. so i am being pushed and pulled in all directions and there's been lot's of switching and i'm losing time again more, and finding stuff happened to the body and it's just breaking me up inside and out. i'm really falling apart at the seams.

i don't have it in me to mediate between parts and i feel like everyone expects me to take care of them and sometimes i need to be taken care of and <sigh>.

i'm getting depressed again. i can't allow this. but it's happening and i'm trying, you know? i'm taking vitamins because i know there hasn't been much eating and i'm trying to rest but there's been so many nightmares lately, lot's having to do with thinking certain people are good and finding out they are pure evil. we've had a lot of evil people around us the whole life. and i don't want to become bitter and jaded. but i'm starting to feel suspicious of everyone and i used to always believe the best in people and i thought that was a good characteristic to have. but people keep letting me down! i give so much and then get dragged through mud and spit and ashes. and i don't understand evil. like, it just is what it is? i don't understand people without conscience. i don't get it. and i find it scary actually.

also i think some parts think i still work at the other place? so i feel very disoriented at the new place sometimes finding one going, whoa? where am i? what is going on? so i'm scared i'm not doing a very good job and i feel literally like i'm going to go crazy. i'm going to snap and lose my mind completely. get sucked into black and dissolve and just be gone.

i'm so scared. i'm so scared. if anybody here has any advice. people who have parts especially, but anyone really, please please help me, i mean, if you can. i have no therapist right now and haven't for a long time and i do okay most of the time because i have a loving partner and i do okay when there's not a million different elephants, err, stressors, sitting on top of us. but right now there is, and i feel like i can't breathe and like i'm really losing it, really losing my grip. please help me if you can, i can't do this on my own.

thank you very much and i'm sorry if i'm being a real pain. i know it's easy to get sick of me. i'm just so scared.

aurelie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thank you very much and i'm sorry if i'm being a real pain. i know it's easy to get sick of me. i'm just so scared.

aurelie

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Oh Aurelie, you are not a pain and it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to get sick of you (or any of the parts I don't know like I've come to know you).

What you're dealing with is so out of my league, all I can offer is love, acceptance (of all of you) and support. I know that since you've been with us and posting regularly, you have ups and downs (like we all do) and that you have helped a bunch of us (me included) through our down times.

Just stay with us, okay? Just stay close to us and I'm not gonna say stupid, trite stuff like "everything's going to be alright," because even though I might believe that, and others might believe it, obviously you are scared shitless and hearing that may not help. You have a STRONG support group here, just stay with us and keep talking (all of you).

Hopefully some more wise than me will have better advice, but know that you ARE loved here, and add so much joy, humor, compassion and more to our group.

A job change is stressful for anyone under the best of conditions. You have extra challenges getting used to something new. So if you can acknowledge that, maybe you and the other parts can relax a little bit?

I for one am very proud of you, you've come out of yourself so much in the last few months. And you are a delightful person! I am honored to share your burden if only to listen. And I am listening as are many others who are undoubtedly posting as I post this.

Love,

S9

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Acceptance and boundaries. That's what I'm working on now for some of the same issues. There is evil out there, there are shitty people out there and people will let you down. It's been a hard fact for me to accept. But I'm learning that. There's nothing you can do to change anyone else. Nothing. So acceptance goes a long way in that regard. "Yes, I hate it that people can be like that, but that's the way it is" And I've learned that just by accepting that simple fact, I can let go of some of my angst about it. Now that's not to say I didn't wish it were different. But it never will be and if I dwell on it, it makes me miserable.

I'm also learning to set boundaries. Especially around those same people. It's my well-being at stake and if it hurts too much to be around or engage with those types of people I limit their accessability to me as much as possible. I know sometimes it's impossible especially when it's family involved, but in those situations I'm flat out telling em "Treat me with respect or leave me alone" If they don't like it, it's not my problem. I refuse to feel guilty anymore about it. It's hard to do, but the more you stand up for yourself the easier it gets.

Also sounds like you could use some pampering me time. Get out, take a break, clear your mind kinda thing.

Hang in there. It can get better.

Croix

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ~Aurelie~

Saturnine,

A job change is stressful for anyone under the best of conditions. You have extra challenges getting used to something new. So if you can acknowledge that, maybe you and the other parts can relax a little bit?
it really meant a lot to me to read this. thank you for acknowledging the extra challenges, because it really is so hard and sometimes i wonder if people know that, and most people don't because most people don't know what i am dealing with everyday. so thank you really so much.

Just stay with us, okay? Just stay close to us

ok. i need youse people a lot. seems you're the only one's i can trust now, besides my partner. so thanks for that, too.

all I can offer is love, acceptance (of all of you) and support.
all you can offer? c'mon. that is ALL THAT MATTERS. that is EVERYTHING. and i am tearfully grateful to you.

Croix,

I refuse to feel guilty anymore about it. It's hard to do, but the more you stand up for yourself the easier it gets.

i try to do this. i thought i could manage to. i hope it does get easier. i guess having parts makes this a longer process. i dunno.

Also sounds like you could use some pampering me time. Get out, take a break, clear your mind kinda thing.
i don't know how to do this right now. i don't feel it. but it helps to be here with you guys. it really does. and i really appreciate your advice and warmth. thank you very much.

Boyd,

A new job is very very stressful and will take a few weeks to be acustomed to a new routine.

I'll send out some VR flowers to your new job... Love Boyd

thanks for saying this boyd. it is good to be reminded that everyone goes through adjustment periods, even you singletons. there are just several of us in here who need to do their own adjusting and we're all over the map, so i guess i should just try to be more patient and understanding. thanks for the flowers. you're very thoughtful.

i hope you all know how blessed i feel to know you. i know i/we make it hard sometimes for you to understand or even like us, but you keep staying by us, and that means everything. really really everything. i am going to lie down for a nap because i feel depleted. i will take your thoughtful words with me and try to be calm.

love

aurelie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi.

I feel like I have been very clumsey trying to connect with Alex. She hasn't responded much to my tries at engaging her. If you have any suggestions please let me know.

I have already realised I need to use her name and to not ask why.

I don't know how to get her to talk instead of hurting the body. I think she may be willing if I find the right way to approach.

Can you comunicate with everyone? Are there ways to get messeges thru? Could you let them know about some of the changes? Even do a I'll tell you, you tell so and so?

I can see that this is complicated.

About evil. As near as I can tell after many years of trying to understand, most evil is done unknowingly. People just try to get what they want and don't even think how it affects others. Sometimes people have other motives but mostly it is just being selfish.

I care about you and want to help. I have only common sense and careing as tools. I will try to do some reading.

Love,

Raven

some other thoughts, my mom told me it takes at least 6 weeks to get used to a new job. It might take you less cause it is similar to what you were doing.

And I really recomend ensure or some other meal drink.

Love again.

r

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ~Aurelie~

raven your post just totally made me cry. you are so wonderful to me. you try so hard and i hope you know how much i appreciate you. i hope you know that, even when i am unable to communicate because others are out. you mean the world to me and i am forever grateful to you for sticking by us.

i will give your questions some good thought and i will be sure to answer.

thank you thank you.

love

aurelie

ps. you have been GREAT and never clumsy and please never think that because you go way beyond what anyone has to. no one is expected to help me through any of this. this is not a place for therapy and i know that. so please don't be hard on yourself. you have been constantly wonderful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ~Aurelie~

ok now i'm crying.

raven

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

no no no! don't cry. i'm sorry! did i write something the wrong way? i meant only good things! i promise! i love you!

aurelie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

much love to you, i didn't find this post until now.

hmmm, so many changes, so many stresses....dealing with the family stuff would send some singletons over the edge....having different alters all in different times and places would just be near impossible...yet you are doing it.

somehow, you are doing it.  it's just really exhausting you.

my vote is to limit contact with family, especially the ones who trigger you.  if contact with them causes you pain/damage, then don't feel guilty about limiting time for now. when you are better healed, you can re-evaluate.  being a nice person doesn't mean you have to let people pour salt in open wounds, you know?  you can use bandages and have barriers and still be a nice person...it just means that *right now* you are an injured person.  i mean, if you just had major surgery or an accident & were in a cast & couldn't move around, you wouldn't be guilty?  if you knew someone in that situation, you wouldn't think they are a bad person, would you?  so why judge yourself as harshly.

i too have been thinking about Alex & how to talk to her.  please let her know she is in my thoughts.  i too have been suicidal and felt that there was no point in going on & that everyone was out to hurt me.  i am trying to find the words to speak to her. so it's not me ignoring her, but me doing some very deep thinking on her behalf.

oh, one last thing: being assertive and setting boundaries and all that is a learned skill.  you have to practice it.  & it feels awkward and weird at first, you have to go through a learning curve.  so don't be upset if you don't get it right the first several times, it really does take some practice.

give everyone inside a hug from me & i will do some reading on multiples.  the different times/space thing sounds hard to manage.  i'm sure someone out there has got to have advice on how to handle it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

thanks for saying this boyd. it is good to be reminded that everyone goes through adjustment periods, even you singletons. there are just several of us in here who need to do their own adjusting and we're all over the map, so i guess i should just try to be more patient and understanding.

Singletons...for some reason that made me smile, made me think of simpletons too.  :)

i hope you all know how blessed i feel to know you. i know i/we make it hard sometimes for you to understand or even like us, but you keep staying by us, and that means everything. really really everything. i am going to lie down for a nap because i feel depleted. i will take your thoughtful words with me and try to be calm.
A- I don't know, and won't even pretend to understand, the complexities of MPD. But I want to thank you for opening up your self/selves to us so that we CAN know. I'm not sure you get how extraordinary this makes you. And yet you have this bright, down-to-earth, funny as hell *primary*??? identity?? I'm guessing at terminology who is patient and understanding with us, singletons/simpletons...<snickers> I hope that's not offensive to you, but the way you articulate what it's like to be you, and to walk with you on part of your journey at least has been an honor.

When Raven says all tears are not bad, I know just what she means. In so many ways you ARE extremely special, and yet there is a humility about you that does not exploit this in anyway. You're just one of us, trying to deal, but it still needs to be acknowledged that what you are dealing with is so different and so much more complex than what most of us are dealing with.

I know we are encouraged to identify with each other our similarities and not compare our differences. But the differences you display are truly remarkable, and I don't want you to underestimate or doubt that for a moment.

Okay, enough serious stuff!

I think Boyd needs remedial "Quoting" lessons... ;) You got farther with him than ANY of us EVER have in how to quote in a post....yet I noticed last night he was backsliding again into forgetting how to do it! So whatever magic you worked on him, you need to break our your wand and do it again!

Take care warrior woman, and again, thank YOU for sharing YOU. Some people cross my path that I know I will never forget for what they've taught me about love, strength and persistence. You are one of those people.

I hope some day I get the pleasure of meeting you in person.

Love,

Suzanne

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't have any other parts, and you already know that. I just wanted to chime in here with love. I love you dearly, and you are in my thoughts so often during the days. You are in a tremendous amount of upheaval and change, and you are handling it with so much courage and grace. I don't really have any good advice for you, except to remember to breathe. Not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. Whenever you can grab a moment here and there to just sit and be idle, grab onto that. Pampering yourself doesn't have to mean taking off for days to go to a spa. It can be just as simple as taking a walk over to that coffee shop and grabbing a cup and a bagel. Something I've been enjoying the last couple of weeks is that the birds are coming back! I have this great big maple tree outside my window right here by my computer, and I like to just stare out the window at the busy birds and squirrels for a few minutes, sometimes.

I know you have some younger parts. I would like to encourage you to try to engage their senses of wonder and delight. Remind yourself what it is to feel amazed and curious about the spectacular diversity of life right outside your window. It may seem like a silly thing that couldn't possibly help, but I find that it makes a nice break from stress and learning positive mental health skills and work and family.

I wish I could just put up a bulletin board in your brain so all your parts can post messages to one another and set up a town meeting so they can all get together and come to some agreements! (Of course, there would probably be at least one that was just mad because someone ate their ice cream. There always is!)

Much love to you!

SerraGeorge

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Alex, Aurelie and others,

It may help for me to lay out some things here.

I am a woman old enough to be a grandmother. I have come to know Aurelie and a little bit of Alex on this board and to care for both of you. I want to be your friend. I am very concerned that you still have to wait to see a doc.

I am not a doc and I won't pretend to be. You don't have to tell me anything about how this happened. I will listen and wittness whatever it helps you to tell me but I will not push you to reveal anything.

I may dissapoint you sometimes thru lack of understanding, but I will not harm you knowingly.

While I understand your position, Alex, I believe that life can be better for you. I would like to discuss this but don't want to argue or cause you pain. I want you to live. My life experience tells me that there are good things in your future.

I may think of other things I want you to know but that is enough for now.

I hope that you will let me be your friend.

Raven

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest ~Aurelie~

raven reddog s9 serrageorge--

i want you to know i've read your posts and i'm very grateful. i don't feel up to posting right now though, i am sorry. i'm having derealization, like, stuff is not looking right and i just don't feel *here*. been crying a lot. spaced. napping. but appreciate so much all you've said to me, all your help. please know this.

i will come back and write proper when i am more here?

ok. love and thanks.

aurelie

*edit* am actually considering going to hospital. i feel like i'm going to dissolve into the black and never come back. but hospitals are a no no for us. so i dunno. i will let you know though, if i do go.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

what Raven said.  i'm not a doc, but well, i just don't believe you are stuck in an impossible situation.  a difficult one, a tough one, yes, but not an impossible one.

i just don't.  and even if you sometimes believe that it's not possible, then i'll just do your believing for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would encourage you to go to a hospital. I would feel better if you did. This is about you, not me but I think it might get you help sooner.

Love,

Raven

Let me be more direct. Go to the hospital.

If it had been anyone else we would have said that a long time ago.

You have suicidal things going on, You are malnurished and you NEED to see a doc.

Please go to the hospital.

With much love,

Raven

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would encourage you to go to a hospital. I would feel better if you did. This is about you, not me but I think it might get you help sooner.

Love,

Raven

Let me be more direct. Go to the hospital.

If it had been anyone else we would have said that a long time ago.

You have suicidal things going on, You are malnurished and you NEED to see a doc.

Please go to the hospital.

With much love,

Raven

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Aurelie, I would trust Raven with my life--and she offers a different perspective in her last post that I think is valid, and I hadn't really thought about. I would like to join her in her plea for you to get more immediate help than waiting for pdoc. Would you consider, please, for all of your parts checking into the hospital? Would hate for something terrible to happen while you wait for proper outpatient care. Sometimes what seems like a "no-no" turns out to be the best things we do for ourselves. I am worried about the thoughts you are having about dissolving into blackness.

Please at least consider...

Love,

S9

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Raven here, Aurelie. You can't do this all by yourself, sweetheart. We make good splints and band-aids here, but we can't prescribe meds or treatments to you.

This is going to be a BIG leap of faith for your ones that are telling you hospitals are no-nos. I can fully appreciate that. But, whether they admit it or not, you've given them some proof of doing the right things. You've opened up to us here, and it's been good. You've opened up to your boyfriend, and it's been good. You've got them talking and it's been good.

Sometimes the sheriff has to be forceful and tell people the way it's going to be. Sometimes she has to act in ways that not everybody approves of in order to protect the public. It's a big responsibility and you've been doing so very well with it, but you're tired and you're hungry and you NEED to get some tools to learn how to do this job. The hospital is the entrance exam to get into the police academy. It's a doorway to get to the help you need and deserve. I think Raven is right on with the idea that going to the hospital will move you up in the queue to getting a regular therapist to help you start gathering some coping skills.

You are so loved and so appreciated Aurelie! I don't want anything bad to ever happen to you or to Alex or to any of the others. Please be strong and do what you need to do to start really getting better.

*blows gentle forehead kisses and teddy bear hugs*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...