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Never well, something so 'wrong' with me


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Hi all, 

I am 36yrs old. Have been single my entire life. Have been depressed my entire life in varying degrees. I truly don't believe I've ever been totally 'well'

Currently seem to be in a relapse of a bad stage again and I'm just so DONE. I wanted to be a mother, I have donor sperm in a bank I've been paying for for years because I kept intending to use it. But my mental health is just too poor, and now I'm 36 and time is running out anyway. 

I am currently on 20mg Lexapro and 150mg Seroquel XR. How can I still be so depressed on this. Why doesn't anything work? 

There is something just WRONG with me as a human. I can't function like everyone else does. There is not a scrap of well-being in my consciousness.

I want to give up. 

 

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6 minutes ago, tickado said:

I am currently on 20mg Lexapro and 150mg Seroquel XR. How can I still be so depressed on this. Why doesn't anything work? 

There is something just WRONG with me as a human. I can't function like everyone else does. There is not a scrap of well-being in my consciousness.

I want to give up. 

 

What other medications have you tried, besides Lexapro and Seroquel XR?........There are many other choices available.

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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Sorry I only just updated my signature with them. 

Mostly SSRIs, Mirtazapine, an SNRI, have also spent some time on the IR of Seroquel 

I have never tried a tricyclic or MAOI I guess, or lithium. 

I am almost scared to try things because then thats another thing that I'll have ruled out as 'doesn't work' 

 

Edited by tickado
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41 minutes ago, tickado said:

Sorry I only just updated my signature with them. 

Mostly SSRIs, Mirtazapine, an SNRI, have also spent some time on the IR of Seroquel 

I have never tried a tricyclic or MAOI I guess, or lithium. 

I am almost scared to try things because then thats another thing that I'll have ruled out as 'doesn't work' 

 

I see you have some similiar diagnoses to me......Hmmm......Are you taking the Seroquel mainly for your insomnia, or as an augment for depression?.......

I totally understand being afraid to try new meds, because I've tried a lot of them, as you can see from my signature under "Ex-Meds"

I see you haven't tried the SSRIs Paxil or Luvox yet......Wellbutrin is another anti-depressant, but it was a an activating med for me....I've tried it, but it didn't play well with my anxiety, so I stopped it it.

Have you tried Trintellix?....I'm on that now...It's a newer anti-depressant, and it's basically an SSRI.....I haven't had any bad side effects from it at all.

Vibryd is also a newer antidepressant that you could try

Would your doc be open to trying a benzodiazepine for your anxiety?....I see you've tried diazepam, but I'm on clonazepam, and it works well for me, especially for sleep.......Gabapentin is sometimes used for anxiety as well....

Trazodone works well for me as a sleep aid, in combo with my clonazepam.......

Is your doc open to trying a tricyclic antidepressant?....Some docs are, and some aren't.

You could also ask pdoc about augmenting your current antidepressant with Abilify or Rexulti.....Some folks here have has sucess with that strategy.

I'm just throwing all this out there, based on my experience and what I've seen here.

You do have more options/combos you could try.

What symptoms right now are the most distressing to you?.........Are you sleeping okay?

 

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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The seroquel I was put on when I was admitted to inpatient with suicidality around 4 yrs ago as an augmentation to the SSRI I was on at the time (Fluoxetine). It worked quickly and well for me at the time. I stupidly came off it and went to IR just for sleep, then came off it altogether (during which time my sleep was awful). I've been back on the IR for a month or two and it has barely done a thing for my depression this time around. I am sleeping ok though. 

I just feel like I have no well being. No interest in anything. Teary. Everything seems pointless. Time is so slow cos it's just something to 'get through' until I can sleep again. Anxiety is ok currently. 

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41 minutes ago, tickado said:

The seroquel I was put on when I was admitted to inpatient with suicidality around 4 yrs ago as an augmentation to the SSRI I was on at the time (Fluoxetine). It worked quickly and well for me at the time. I stupidly came off it and went to IR just for sleep, then came off it altogether (during which time my sleep was awful). I've been back on the IR for a month or two and it has barely done a thing for my depression this time around. I am sleeping ok though. 

I just feel like I have no well being. No interest in anything. Teary. Everything seems pointless. Time is so slow cos it's just something to 'get through' until I can sleep again. Anxiety is ok currently. 

Ok, so from what you said, it seems as if the IR Seroquel is working for sleep, and your anxiety is stable right now.....but the Seroquel IR is not doing much currently for your depression.

You could ask your doc about going back on the XR Seroquel, since that was what intially worked for the depression......Also, the Seroquel XR dose for depression can range from 150mg to 300mg, so you do have some room to go up in dosage, if pdoc agrees.

https://www.drugs.com/dosage/quetiapine.html#Usual_Adult_Dose_for_Depression

Edited by CrazyRedhead
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48 minutes ago, tickado said:

I am already back on the XR, but yes I am on 150mg. So maybe ask to try increasing? 

 

If you're back on the XR 150mg, and still feeling pretty depressed, yes, you could try asking pdoc about an increase.

How long have you been back on the XR?

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4 hours ago, tickado said:

A couple of weeks. I am just disheartened because when I started on it back inpatient it worked within a week. And this time I don’t notice any difference, if anything I feel worse. 

Have you told your pdoc about feeling worse?.......I think it would be worth it to call doc about your depression symptoms, and see what they think about increasing the Seroquel XR dose.

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10 hours ago, tickado said:

A couple of weeks. I am just disheartened because when I started on it back inpatient it worked within a week. And this time I don’t notice any difference, if anything I feel worse. 

I've been told medication can take up to six weeks to start working in the past, but you should be seeing your pdoc every two weeks regarding medication when doing something new, if possible. I would definitely bring up to your pdoc about zero changes to see what can be done. Best of luck to you!

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I wonder if having the seroquel on board would allow you to try wellbutrin without all of the activation effects 

But if you've had luck with seroquel in the past it might make sense to up that before introducing something new. that plan may be the easiest on your anxiety too. Sorry, that above comment was me thinking out loud and probably not super helpful 

Edited by Iceberg
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I'm the same, been depressed for the last 27 years. Except you have so many meds and other modalities to try!

- combos e.g. California rocket fuel (Google it!)

- tricyclics (sorry if you've tried them all, my OCD makes reading threads impossible)

- novels such as Wellbutrin (think I saw that mentioned)

- MAOI's. They are not as scary as people think. I've tried them all and only had issues when I was foolish. They can work when nothing else does. There is good data to support this and I will answer any questions you have, depression permitting. 

- Ketamine

- dTMS

- ECT 

- VNS & DBS

I'm happy to help on any of the above. 

Pete

 

 

 

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Thank you for reminding me there are options still available. I have tried to get in with my pdoc but she doesn’t have any appointments until March. I’m in australia so maybe it works a little differently. 
it is so so hard to end up back in this place continually. I just feel like I’m too broken for anything to work 

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3 minutes ago, tickado said:

Thank you for reminding me there are options still available. I have tried to get in with my pdoc but she doesn’t have any appointments until March. I’m in australia so maybe it works a little differently. 
it is so so hard to end up back in this place continually. I just feel like I’m too broken for anything to work 

Sure thing. Statistically, you have a good chance of finding something that will help enough. Maybe try keeping that fact in mind 🙂

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hello, @tickado

I have pervasive depressive disorder, and sometimes go into bouts of deep/weepy depression, like you described. I can really relate to your struggle! I hope that you can try to remember that while you end up in this place repeatedly, you also have climbed out of it repeatedly. My counselor tells me progress looks more like a rollercoaster, than a plain incline. Hang in there.

An important side note: You didn't mention tummy issues, but if you have noticed digestion problems, there's a chance that you have a damaged stomach lining, and you are low on B12 - also called pernicious anemia. I have on more than one occasion felt this weepy deep depression (despair) from medications. Over time, my symptoms got worse, including stopping talking in the middle of a sentence, losing vision in one eye temporarily, and seeing hallucinations. It turned out I was having a stroke. My prescriptions were fine...the problem is me. I have on and off tested as anemic, which means fewer red blood cells, so there's already less oxygen getting to the brain. Some medicines, like some birth control pills or some ADHD medicines can enhance this effect. I don't know if your medications do.

I've also experienced this same sense of despair (but no stroke symptoms) at least twice when eating foods high in iron, and twice when taking vitamins high in iron. I suspect this also has to do with the anemia. If the body can't use the iron in red blood cells, it immediately starts to store it in your organs. This can lead to iron overload disorder, which is dangerous and is associated with depression.

Maybe just as a precaution, ask your doctors if there's a chance you're anemic or have a blood disorder, and should be tested. Until then, it is true that the molecules in plain black tea fit themselves into the same receptors as iron. You can try just having tea before eating meals high in iron, until you get to see your doctor. This way, the iron is blocked from absorption, and gets flushed out of your system rather than being stored in organs. Additionally, fresh cranberries have a reputation for chelating iron (removing iron stored in your organs), however I can never find them fresh except between November and December. Maybe there are other foods or therapies to chelate iron, but I don't know.

(edit: I remembered that giving blood is a way to chelate iron, and if you need it, you can get a prescription to get blood drawn for those reasons, rather than to donate. Blood collections centers will reject you if you're anemic, unless you get the prescription, I think. They can't use the blood. But they'll draw it with a prescription, and not give it to other patients).

It's really, really difficult to be depressed all the time. I'm sorry you have to deal with this! Good luck with the doctor. 

Edited by undone
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