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i don't know where to put this. there isn't a 'useless waste-of-time-to-read whining' forum, which is where this would ideally belong. i don't know.

i haven't hurt myself intentionally for three months.

but i'm running out of ways to avoid it.

my head hurts all the time. i can't stop it and i can't get away from it. i can't eat and i live in my bed hiding from the light. even the light of the monitor hurts. and i know if i hurt myself, the headache and the sadness and the futility of everything will fade, maybe only just a little, but at least some of it would go away...i don't know how to cope with this. i will not kill myself but i don't know how to live with this.

i spend my days waiting for tomorrow, but tomorrow's never any better than today.

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Saying that you have tried everything you can think of, and you need help is not whining! It's saying "Hey guys, I think I need some more tools. What've you guys got?"

I don't know of any of us that are here because we bootstrapped our way out of our various illnesses. We're here because despite our different flavors, we're all in the same boat with regards to doing the best we can with the hand we're dealt. We're all here to support and encourage each other... but also to reach out to one another when we're struggling.

That said.... Like Raven said, getting your butt to the doc if you feel like you are past the point of no return is the best idea.

If you're feeling a bit more in control and not ready for the doc, then could you share what your coping strategies are/ have been for the 3 months you've been successful at avoiding self injury?

If you did end up self harming sometime between when you posted this and now, do you feel more in control and able to continue working on your strategies for coping? (Assuming of course your injury isn't requiring medical attention... if it is, please get it!)

A list of what you've been trying to replace the injuring activity with may help us come up with some more suggestions for you. Or maybe the act of typing out the list will help you to remember that you do have some tools available to you. Either way, it's really hard to harm yourself while you're trying to have a conversation about it, so please converse away!

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Call the doc. If you don't have one go to an er.
how do i say this...hmm. it's not bad enough to go to the er, but it's not good enough to just ignore it. it's kind of like a bad sprained ankle...you can't use it normally but you can manage to hop/hobble around with it.

i'm out of options to not si. i probably should have clarified that in the original post.

A list of what you've been trying to replace the injuring activity with may help us come up with some more suggestions for you.

-playing dr. mario

-reading

-writing stories

-petting my sammycat

my options are kind of limited because of the headaches. anything involving physical activity (punching a pillow, running, etc.) is pretty much out. ditto with anything that involves leaving the house during the daytime or driving a car. yesterday i ended up in bed with ice on my head and a pillow over my face listening to audiobooks. it was all i was capable of doing for most of the day.

i haven't done anything yet. still trying not to.

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Checkerboards,

Even though you don't think you feel bad enough to go to the ER (I loved the bad sprain analogy, by the way), you still need some medical attention fast. Please call your doc and say you need an emergency appointment. You're trying hard, but sometimes it's not enough. You deserve better.

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Urgh! Migraines! I'm so sorry... I get them too, and they're terrible! You've definitely got my sympathy on that count!

Now, as far as the rest goes. Being out of options to not harm yourself IS BAD ENOUGH. I agree with Greeny that you would do well to call and ask for an emergency appointment. Beyond that, is there anyone who could come and be with you? Or even just talk to you on the phone? I think that being in the presence of others is a very good way to avoid self harming.

Reading, writing and playing games are all very good ways to avoid immediate urges to SI. I would encourage you to utilize those. I think you need some other things though. What about things you can do to change your physical state? Taking a shower or a nap can help. So can doing some stretching or maybe pacing. I'm not sure what your threshold is for physical activity, so you'll have to use your best judgement there, but sometimes changing your body's physical position can have a positive effect.

Obviously you have the internet available to you. Is there something you've always been curious to learn about? Is there a topic you can get lost in for awhile? What about something you want to learn how to do, like knitting, cooking a certain type of dish, figuring out how to do things in photoshop or learning a different language?

You say you write stories, so I assume you've got some creative juices in you. Maybe you could illustrate one of your stories. Painting, drawing, or even just tearing out magazine pages and sort of putting together a collage from those would be interesting.

Low light options could include listening to soothing music, talking with someone on the phone, unravelling an old sweater, massaging your feet with lotion, taking a shower in candlelight, (I love to do this btw... If you've never tried it, it's very nice.) doing crossword puzzles, playing a kitty game with Sammycat ;) playing with legos or tinkertoys...

Hang in there! You've done so well for three months! That's a very long time! If you SI today, please be safe about it, and try not to be angry with yourself over it. You've still been successful and you can continue to do so!

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Checker, you scared us a bit.  But we aren't giving up.

I think this is close to the emergency level. If you reach the tripping point tonight, go to the ER.  That is what they are there for.    If you can't manage yourself then call a friend or an ambulance.

Unrelenting migraines on top of MI is not something you can shake off with a cup of coffee, a change to a more cheery atitude for the day and a walk around the block.

You need to be on the phone to your Pdoc first thing in the morning to get direction/help for the SI urges and the depression.

Additionally, you need to be on the phone to whoever is managing your migraine treatment for action.

If it takes getting someone to transport you or getting a cab, then do it.  Your mental issues are unlikely to get better when you are in continuous pain.

Don't be afraid to ask for help.  Don't let things build to the breaking point when treatment is available.

Best,

A.M.

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thank you all for your suggestions and help.

i'm going to try and find someone to help with the migraines tomorrow morning. (my normal doc is on maternity leave until june/july.) and then my fiance is going to drive me to our hometown, so i'll have some good company this weekend.

it's dark out now, and i think i'm going to sit on the doorstep and watch the stars for a while.

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i see a therapist about once a week. i see him through my school's counseling program, which unfortunately means i've only got another few weeks with him before i have to start looking for someone else.

i've been too cowardly to admit to my parents the depth of my depression (they don't even know that i'm still in therapy) so i've never seen an official psychiatrist. i know i need to. maybe i'll get braver and be able to see one once i'm married and stuff and off of their insurance so they don't have to know about it.

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Well, I'm a parent and I'd definitely  want to know if my daughter felt like you do! 

It's extra hard to feel terrible and have to hide it too.

I'm worried about summer coming.  I think it would be a good idea for you to ask for help from the school therapist about communicating with your parents.  Maybe the therapist has asked to and you refused to agree. 

Yes do DO have to give permission. That law was made because some parents had their children treated against their will, sometimes using very powerful methods, for problems that were only big in the parents' minds.  It was not intended for kids like you to conceal things from their parents out of embarrassment or for fear of disappointing them - or whatever. 

Maybe your parents will want to help - and WILL help. Wouldn't it be great to tell what' s really going on to a doctor who could even help with medicine?  Imagine how different you could feel if a medicine "put the color back"  in your life!  I'll bet you will only regret having waited.   

If your parents are  not helpful (parents sometimes have their own personal problems with admitting to themselves that their children  are having  problems.  That's too bad.  And sometimes money is an issue or something else.). But it they do not help,  you will still have time to decide what to do,  with the school therapist. A plan about how to handle the summer is very important. 

I hope you have been honest with the school therapist about how bad things are inside. Then the therapist's job is to communicate clearly to your parents that you have an emotional illness and that you need help.  THat it's IMPORTANT that you get help.    The school should be able to check out your eligibility for help seeing a psychiatrist at reduced rates or even free through state programs,  if your parents can't afford it.

THese things need to be sorted out before summer comes, though!

Best of luck!

rt.

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Please think hard about telling your folks. If you feel like they are mostly on your side, tell them. If you feel like they mess with your head, it's a tougher decision.

In any case, hurting yourself isn't an acceptable option. Unless, I suppose, it's something like watching 3 hours of political speeches on TV without any commercial breaks. No, seriously, hurting yourself isn't going to help for very long, and then after it stops helping it's going to be worse. I suppose this is easy to say since I'm only looking at it from the outside, and my ways of messing myself up are less direct. But I'm hoping you can avoid it. You may need some more help to do that. I hope you'll tell your therapist about this.

Given the problems you've been having with migraines, it's no wonder you're depressed. I don't think it's a sign of weakness or anything. During the few weeks I once had to cope with severe pain, my head went to some pretty bad places too.

Hoping you'll feel a bit better soon.

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Checkerboards -

Can you have chocolate?  Or does that get wonky with your migraines?  Chocolate is a good source of quick endorphins, which is one of the primary things that leads people to SI - in response to the pain of injury, the body issues an emergency rush of endorphins.  Chocolate is far preferable.  Ask any Oompa-Loompa.

Exercise produces endorphins, too.  Do you get any exercise?  Love it or loathe it, exercise has been shown to have a positive impact on most mental conditions.

Cerberus

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my head hurts all the time. i can't stop it and i can't get away from it. i can't eat and i live in my bed hiding from the light. even the light of the monitor hurts. and i know if i hurt myself, the headache and the sadness and the futility of everything will fade, maybe only just a little, but at least some of it would go away...i don't know how to cope with this. i will not kill myself but i don't know how to live with this.

i spend my days waiting for tomorrow, but tomorrow's never any better than today.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

CB, your dx for migraine doesn't sound validated by a physician (based on your parenthetical statement "for lack of a better description.")

There is a group of us here on the boards who get severe migraines, some of us are more treatment resistant than others, but nonetheless you have company. You need a doctor to dx migraine. Especially if you're on your parents' insurance. Get help and good drugs. If your not resistant to abortives like Imitrex, Zomig, Maxalt, Amerge, etc...it can change your life.

If your head pain is NOT coming from migraine, you need to know where it's coming from.

Don't suffer needlessly, and the head pain has to be a trigger for SI. I have NO history of SI, but when I'm in a runaway migraine the thought crosses my mind, just to *move* the pain around.

Take good care,

S9

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i'm shaky and tired and not able to express myself the way i'd like. but i may not be around for a few days and i didn't want to just disappear.

i heard back from the neurology department. they called the wrong number (parents' house instead of mine) so i didn't get to talk to anyone directly. but i'm supposed to try a new med for the migraines - verapamil - so hopefully that does some good.

i do have medical validation for the migraines. i just feel silly calling my everyday non-pounding non-sound-sensitive headache a migraine. to me, a migraine isn't a migraine until it totally disables me. but maybe that's just me being stupid.

but when I'm in a runaway migraine the thought crosses my mind, just to *move* the pain around.

that's exactly why i started. it works. i wish it didn't, but it does. (and if i'd never fallen down and hurt my ankle during a migraine in the first place, i never would have thought to do it intentionally. *sigh*)

have to stop now. need to lay down again.

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I took Verapamil for a short time because of a heart condition, though in my case, when I checked the PDM it was contraindicated because of something else I was taking. I haven't heard of it for migraines, but I haven't been paying attention either. You may be pleased to know that on me it seemed to have the side effects of making me happy and relaxed. Maybe you'll get those side effects too.

My s.o. gets migraines, and they vary. She can work through most of them.

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i heard back from the neurology department. they called the wrong number (parents' house instead of mine) so i didn't get to talk to anyone directly. but i'm supposed to try a new med for the migraines - verapamil - so hopefully that does some good.
I *just* got a script for Verapamil myself, after an abyssmal trial of Topamax. I seem to recall Verapamil worked for me in my 20's, which was some 20 years ago. It's an oldie. But can be very effective for preventative measures for migraine.

For abortives I take Imitrex and Zomig. Triptans aved my life.  Have you tried them? Maybe if you can get your migraines under control you'll find the rest of your symptoms abate.

x'ing fingers for you and me on the Verapamil...keep me posted!

Hugs,

S9

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