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I don't want to encourage anyone to drink. It's crap. Have an ice tea instead. I drink a hideous amount sometimes. Really health destroying amounts. There are reasons why I do this. Not necessarily good reasons. Self-defeating reasons for the most part. I'm not an addict but my relationship with alcohol is not any better. I can go weeks without drinking anything and then go on a self-destructive binge. Reasons. I'm usually a good drunk. Happier and more sociable. Allows me to get out of my damn head and actually pay attention to other people. Self-esteem in a bottle. It's easier to interact with people when I actually think that I have something to offer. It can be dangerous though. Alcohol narrows your focus, which might mean that the awful thoughts get muted. Or, they might be the only thing you hear. I don't really think I have a future so concerns about health don't matter. And sometimes it is deliberately self-destructive. Not always. Sometimes it's frightening. There is a part of me which knows how insane this is. I wish I could feel happy without alcohol. I have tried and I always end up falling. You don't think about long term consequences when the present seems so awful. Just make it to the next day.

I'm probably sounding too dramatic. Alcohol isn't just a symptom of depression it's also a cause. There's the self-loathing which comes from thinking that you're a useless fucking drunk. But happiness seems so elusive so I always end up doing it again. Why not? I mean I know it's a grim thing to say but why not? Never a good enough reason not to. Think about your future! I am, and that's why I drink. Yes this is all fucking stupid. It probably hurts more than it helps. Sobriety is often just boredom and misery though. So why not?

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  • 1 month later...

I am on this rollercoaster myself. Alcohol loosens everything up. My tight muscles, my tight brain. And it allows me to temporarily forget the misery of my existence.

However, the next day, or 3 days to be more precise, I'm back to abhorring my existence. So there's that, for me. I still struggle. 

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