Intrusive internal voices as commentary

[DogMan]

Different to hallucinations which I have had. These are internal

 

But, someone else's voice. People tied to trauma. Commentating beach walks, bus trips, cooking etc

 

I end up consumed by them. Lose my surroundings intermittently. Trip in holes dug by dogs etc

 

I internally answer in my own voice, and argue back and forth. In ways similar but different to real events which have happened

 

Then it'll side track to loops of communication breakdown with my deaf mother, sticking on a word or sentence, straightening out misunderstandings

 

And commentary, and things like blaming me for the route that the bus takes, but internal

 

Then into loss of awareness and my proprioception involved in intrusions of violence against these people

 

I don't know where all this fits, in the wibbly wobbly diagnosy wosy thing mess that is my file ATM

 

[dancesintherain]

is it possible that they are still hallucinations, just of a different type than normal?  I experience my hallucinations as being noises (music/sounds) that are inside my head.  I imagine if there were words, it could sound like internal commentary.

Not intending to doubt your understanding, just curious since you said you weren't sure how it fit in. 

[DogMan]

17 minutes ago, dancesintherain said:

is it possible that they are still hallucinations, just of a different type than normal?  I experience my hallucinations as being noises (music/sounds) that are inside my head.  I imagine if there were words, it could sound like internal commentary.

Not intending to doubt your understanding, just curious since you said you weren't sure how it fit in. 

I don't know 

 

Pseudohallucination probably fits. Since I have insight 

 

But internal and I am aware (sometimes afterwards) that it's my mind. So in my limited understanding, that rules out true hallucination 

 

I'll discuss it with team. Even writing I am struggling to convey it to them 

[dancesintherain]

thinking about it more...mine appear as external most of the time.  so pretty different.  But I can definitely recognize them as hallucinations, so that's where I was getting caught up. 

[DogMan]

i've been trying to type experience out

 

and i think if i get consumed in them, the boundaries of where i start and finish blur anyway. So internal/external loses some meaning/relevance. Or something

 

pdoc theoretically 17th, but prone to rescheduling. I'll try to put it in clearer words prior to that

[coraline]

I am not sure what your experience is called or what causes it but I think you explain it well.  I have a similar type experience where I hear internal  voices of people I know.  They will comment on past misfortunes or traumas or go over things I am experiencing. I internally talk back.  Very engaging and distracting.  I have just shrugged this off most of my life but it is troubling and I hope you get answers.

[confused]

I think it is a good sign you know they aren't real.  

You are describing it well, but I don't know what that would be called.

 

I get repetitive sentence fragments, they are my own voice, but they don't stop. Pdoc said intrusive thoughts but I don't know if that is correct.  

[deeschmee]

I could actually feel and understand exactly what you are describing. Whatever it's called. Your vocabulary exceeds my own, but I've been experiencing something quite similar. In addition I quite regularly hear voices as I'm about to fall asleep. I also confuse my dreams with reality

[Wonderful.Cheese]

@DogMan

I can feel how difficult this is to describe and put to words so as to make it clear for your treatment team. 

I experience the “getting consumed by them” in my voices that are internal (and external, though not as often) and talking back at my voices with my inner voice.

I get lost like this, usually sitting in my chair staring blankly ahead and “being somewhere else entirely” and certainly “experiencing something else entirely” in my mind than what I am actually doing physically (sitting completely idle in my chair). I don’t get out much anymore. I don’t have group therapies or case management. I stay at home each day, all day, all alone.

[DogMan]

I'll respond properly later. Just sent this express post 

 

Rachel

 

Follow up answers to Rachel’s questions. Appointment 1st June 11:30am

 

Lots, I didn’t know in the moment

 

I tried to ring Friday, you weren’t available, and didn’t return call (which reinforces safety plan needing revisiting)

 

Safety. This was difficult to answer, since “Safety” seems to be code in medicine for opposite of suicidal. I won’t do harm, which is probably the intent of the question. But I feel constantly threatened and unsafe, with no specific threat most times. Particularly unsafe in health care settings

 

I felt threatened by the question, like it was a trap

 

Eating/Drinking. In appointment, I said “OK, I think” but I realised that was wrong afterwards. And food is just the last thing on my mind. Both grocery shopping and preparing food get delayed with being distressed

 

Plenty of water. For temperature grounding 

 

Sleep. My sleep is never great. The lowered duloxetine has softened descent into sleep. I trialled 3 days scheduled 11pm meds and had the worst 3 days for a while. Rang triage, texted lifeline. So abandoned experiment, and won’t be revisiting it any time soon

 

I have returned to napping. I stopped around 2016, when previous GP Dr Tilly and psychologist strongly insisted that next to smoking, napping is the worst thing anyone can do for their health. This was part of my sleep cycles going tits up. They were very pushy, with lots of shouting me down and belittling my experience.  Lowering the duloxetine has me craving sleep sometimes, and naps 

 

Try grounding outside, in fresh air. I do this daily, mostly at the beach, and the thoughts and distress follow me, consume me. I trip over things, losing awareness of surroundings. The exercise triggers thoughts of pig headed health professionals obsessed with such things, and thoughts of violence towards them

 

Lots of distraction strategies follow a similar path, they just lead to intrusions of pig headed health professionals obsessed with lifestyle

 

Thoughts turn to intrusive commentary, criticising every move and complaining. Similar to historical hallucinations, but internal and I realise they are internal. Familiar voices tied to trauma. Not hallucinated but not my voice and Involuntary 

 

Different to hallucinations which I have had. These are internal, but similar running commentary in someone else’s voice

But, someone else's voice. People tied to trauma. Commentating beach walks, bus trips, cooking etc

I end up consumed by them. Lose my surroundings intermittently. Trip in holes dug by dogs etc. The boundaries of my body blur, where I begin and end blurs

I internally answer in my own voice, and argue back and forth. In ways similar but different to real events which have happened. Shouted internal commentary, by someone else

Then it'll side track to loops of communication breakdown with my deaf mother, sticking on a word or sentence, straightening out misunderstandings

And commentary, and things like blaming me for the route that the bus takes, but internal

Then into loss of awareness and my proprioception involved in intrusions of violence against these people. Stomping on their heads, yanking their hair out, sexual violence

Or alternately, actual event flahbacks, often health care professionals

I don't know where all this fits, in the wibbly wobbly diagnosy wosy thing mess that is my file ATM

 

Irritability. Yes, and rage. Some days/times, I can’t have a peaceful thought. There is sometimes no mental space for simple “I might eat” etc. Or “Cold today” I just get consumed by loud intrusions and flashbacks, which leads to irritability and rage

 

Particularly irritable around “flashforwards” or intrusions of violence, some intrusive memories, and also during running commentary inner critic

 

Comedy on youtube. Couldn’t engage with it

 

Music. Helps a bit, until I zone away from music and stew on thoughts and memories, zone out

 

What do you do? I listen to talk back radio. I listened to a few podcasts when Dr Jon first suggested OCD, to understand it. I browse social media on my phone and laptop. There is generally someone, somewhere online to chat to. I go to the beach most mornings, walk from Carrum to Seaford, and shop for mum on my way home. I paint, but lately it triggers internal commentary and violent thoughts. I spend time with my parrots

 

How are you coping with lowered antidepressant? OK, I think. My mood has dipped, but I have been through much worse, for much longer, and been told to eat my vegetables and take up jogging. Thoughts are no more frequent. Slowly receiving answers is helping, I’m looking forward to more explanations on what is going on. Which will help as much as anything

 

Dan 

[DogMan]

@coraline @confused @deeschmee @Wonderful.Cheese

 

i don't know either, can "harsh inner critic" associated with GAD be someone else's voice? with maybe some dissociating elements or just getting too absorbed

 

[confused]

27 minutes ago, DogMan said:

@coraline @confused @deeschmee @Wonderful.Cheese

 

i don't know either, can "harsh inner critic" associated with GAD be someone else's voice? with maybe some dissociating elements or just getting too absorbed

 

I did hear my father putting me  down in my head but now I do it myself. I do dissociate briefly. I don't think of that as a hallucination but I don't know. I hope you can get this all figured out    

[Wonderful.Cheese]

16 hours ago, DogMan said:

@coraline @confused @deeschmee @Wonderful.Cheese

 

i don't know either, can "harsh inner critic" associated with GAD be someone else's voice? with maybe some dissociating elements or just getting too absorbed

 

I am unsure too about this. You bring up an interesting inquiry. I have been thinking about this off and on for a while now.

Personally, I would say it is something other than GAD if it’s not your own inner voice (at least in my experience with it). I experience GAD as my own inner voice as a negative inner critic and also worry for myself and for others. GAD for me has always been lots of nervousness and worry and negativity, but always in my own inner voice/monologue.

I hope this helps and doesn’t further confuse. Sorry if it’s the latter. 

Edited June 4 by Wonderful.Cheese

[DogMan]

Posed this on (n)ever reliable fb

 

Some people said that emotional flashbacks associated with CPTSD sometimes do this. The emotions take on the voice of generally unpleasant people from past

 

I did briefly write to case manager about this. And how it is often triggered by trying self care and spiralling into grumpy doctor commentary of walks etc 

 

So hopefully we can discuss this Friday. Dr Maria was circling around trauma questions last appointment 

 

Following on from above. I downloaded Pete Walker from surviving to thriving audiobook about CPTSD and he seems to back up the idea. And even linked back to validation of non verbal emotional outbursts of infants and toddlers. Which I have mused over with regard to deaf mother and crying baby 

[dancesintherain]

I’ve been meaning to read Pete Walker’s book for a while, so I appreciate seeing the reminder.  
yes, I’ve heard of cptsd causing this sort of symptoms. It’s not the first thing that would have come to mind, but still makes complete sense.