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I've always been of the belief that your upward trajectory in life is equally weighted by efforts and willpower as it is to general skills you get at birth. I was granted disability eleven years ago as my health suddenly imploded between my two college programs. I adjusted my perspectives in order to continue my education in a adjoining field. I have held onto the idea that by some random act of chance I could at least marginally improve myself in the future. The pipe dream being entering the workforce full time again. This year as I am up for CDR once again (roughly my third, they never come on time) I expected much the same cycle of wanting to improve and then karmic interference. I tend to self soothe by reassuring myself of hard facts and that the logic processes will still be the same so I will continue on as usual, at bare minimum. 

This year however, months after my CDR cleared no problem I am thrown during a particularly bad week at my household into not only my near-yearly emergency room crisis, but also by getting an appointment for financial review. General google consensus is to just take it as a bureaucratic time waster, but they are asking for very specific documents which are not relevant to my life. (VA/Burial/ ect.) So I was trying to decompress by talking to my sister and mentioned that I am not coded for SSI status under the condition I applied myself under. When I was trying to find where I had footnoted it, I instead dropped into the large files and came to a horrifying discovery. I am notated as being severely cognitive impaired and incapable of likely handling finances. The oversight doctor said this would most likely have been due to stroke (Affected IQ: 70). I had never scrolled across this end page before and beleived I was only a 10.6 of the 300's code.

Needless to say my ego is beyond bruised. My family has been complaining for so long about changes I have made for my own comfort that they do not like. I thought I was just mellowing out and being more honest in how I am willing to spend my time/energy. Now I am smacking straight into a pillar, that for over ten years people have let me believe a lie. I did finish my Bachelorette and Masters degree during my first few years on disability. I thought I still might have a way to finish any sort of ascent in my lifetime goals. But now here sits the truth, that person was not possible and will likely never be possible. I will never leave poverty, I will never earn equal to my partner and I will always be looked at by a failure by those who should be peers, because I cannot heal this brain injury. 

Normally, I would take this news as celebration that my responsibilities to perform for others sakes are nulled by this knowledge. I could be liberated by it, but the people in my life don't work that way. So now that I have reached my ceiling I guess I am looking for lateral moves. There must be someway to broaden my scope again by breaking down walls around me, even if the ceiling height will always be fixed? Why is the SSI program so cruel that we aren't allowed to make better for ourselves without utter horrendous fear placed upon our person. 

Edited by hypoElectron
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I have to wonder if there is a possibility of having that notation reevaluated in some way. Simply reading your post suggests that it can't possibly be correct - your verbal skills are not those of someone with an Affected IQ of 70.

Even if you had a stroke, it would not necessarily be reasonable to rely on an assessment taken in the recent aftermath of that event. The brain can be plastic, and recovery from stroke, to a greater or lesser degree is absolutely possible. I know. I had two strokes in 2014 that caused various levels of functional impairment in both motor function and cognitive function. I have largely regained that function.

One should never base one's self esteem on what one was. A person is the sum of his or her experiences, and they are cumulative. You are always more than you were yesterday.

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Posted (edited)
On 7/26/2022 at 12:51 AM, Cerberus said:

I have to wonder if there is a possibility of having that notation reevaluated in some way. Simply reading your post suggests that it can't possibly be correct - your verbal skills are not those of someone with an Affected IQ of 70.

Even if you had a stroke, it would not necessarily be reasonable to rely on an assessment taken in the recent aftermath of that event. The brain can be plastic, and recovery from stroke, to a greater or lesser degree is absolutely possible. I know. I had two strokes in 2014 that caused various levels of functional impairment in both motor function and cognitive function. I have largely regained that function.

One should never base one's self esteem on what one was. A person is the sum of his or her experiences, and they are cumulative. You are always more than you were yesterday.

Yes, the file I dropped into contained repeat evaluations (2yr span), with the 70 score being the worst. I take receiving aid very seriously as I am the one for which burden of proof lies on. It's just awkward for me because of liability involved in my case that details were never made clear to me. That being said, since I want to be 100% transparent and cooperative with the aid provider it was a shock to me when my first review came up and I was flagged for being "noncompliant". Which led me to discover that my condition coding was primarily for a psychiatric diagnosis. It was rather funny since I had been going at my physical and neurological deficits as if they owed me some life debt, trying to wipe them off the map and get back into a working setup. 

I have since contacted SSI about the strange out of date letter I got demanding oddly unrelated files. We did the financial review live via phone and no changes are expected. I wasn't even supposed to get that letter it seems. However, this whole emotional rollercoaster has made clear to me that I am much more paranoid and perhaps full of misinformation about how much the government really cares to peep into my business at all. My next step would be Total Disability Loan Discharge, which I attempted once before but the physician was uncomfortable signing off someone's debt. My lack of improvement over the years was likely slowed to his nonchalant attitude. I have a different care team now and its advisable to get it dismissed finally.

I do have a friend who had a catastrophic stroke and I would say we are completely incomparable. His deficits are primarily static while mine worsen due to anything that might cause stress/delirium. I would never want to lessen his experience by comparing our situations. Thank you for your words, they were very helpful.

Edited by hypoElectron
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